Never felt so lost, confused in my own emotional state of mind. While I show happiness on the outside and being so strong through the tough times but in reality, I'm secretly breaking down bit by bit. Every day I have to struggle to get up out of the bed and get myself ready for the day. It's exhausting to hide myself from the cruel world, constantly pushing people away when they try to get close to me. I hardly trusted anyone anymore. At first, I didn't know what was causing me to be like this then I realized…

It all started all this pain and hopelessness when you decided to disappear out of my life, my world. Without a goodbye, a warning and not even one hint. But when you disappeared, I could feel my world, myself shattering to millions of pieces very slowly. All of the most painful emotions I've ever felt came at me at once. It was like a suicidal guy jumping off a 100 stories building but constantly hitting the side of the building, unable to die but to suffer through it and it seemed endless.

Useless, worthless and so empty, the three most dominant feelings out of them all. I just became numb, started to put up an act to play my part in the world when it wasn't really me there. Just my brain trying to make me, my body to function while my soul was completely detached. I was basically a walking, talking puppet to put it that way. I just didn't want to do anything, but to sit in one spot and just not move if I could.

Eventually, my best friends started to notice that something was wrong and started asking me what was going on… I couldn't explain to them, I mean How can you explain that you're missing something, that your soul is broken? Or That something was taken from me out of nowhere. So I've decided to just tell them that I've got too much going on in my life and gave them a skim over of What I was feeling and How I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me.

I hated not being able to tell them what really was wrong but I knew, something inside of me was telling me not to bother telling them because they would not understand… My emotions are beyond my age group's comprehension and they would think I'm being childish or judge me. I'm sorry but I knew I can't tell them, They could have made it more complicated or cause more trouble than necessary. And I don't think I could have been able to handle that.

As the months passed, I'm starting to feel again, feeling real and alive but still in pain and something was missing, causing me to still feel empty. Those feelings has become a part of me, of who I am. I was determined to pull myself out of this world of misery. I made new, amazing friends that somewhat understood me and wouldn't judge me. I could feel myself getting stronger and stronger, picking up my pieces and trying to fix myself back together.

Then all of that changed in an instant, one simple message. You were right back into my life again. Just like that, just like how you disappeared on me, very randomly and unexpected. The pain was still fresh in my head and I prevented myself from breaking down. I calmed myself down. I had to decide what I was going to do.

I told myself that we was not going to hang out and we will remain in touch using technology we have nowadays because I knew I wouldn't be able to handle seeing you again. I still couldn't believe you was back into my life after all those days and months of nothing, just sheer blackness and pain. But suddenly, I knew I had to see you again.

Finally, I saw you, standing waiting for me to meet up with you. I hesitated because I didn't know how I would react if you looked at me. So I took a quick second to compose myself and try to hide the pain. But when you turned and looked at me right into my eyes, I knew you saw all the pain and grief I suffered through. I could see that I wasn't the only one that somewhat suffered. Your eyes looked so weary, stressed and filled with confusions. But when you smiled, I could see hope glimmering in your eyes for some reason. Those made me forget all about my pain for a short while and enjoyed being around you. I've missed how you've made me laugh and made me feel like myself. I was so comfortable around you.

But when it was time for me to leave, I dreaded it. I knew the feelings would come back instantly as soon as I got home. I tried to focus on the positive and be happy for the good moments we just had together. But as soon as I got home, I was ready for the pain. I allowed it to slowly consume me, piece by piece. I finally collapse in exhaustion and broke down into sobs. Questions running through my head such as:

"When will this end? Why am I feeling so empty? Why does it have to be so painful? What do I have to do to end this? What am I missing?"
Then I could feel myself getting so angry to the point where I would yell out of frustration and punching stuff that's in my sight and I wouldn't stop until at least one of my knuckles are bruised or broken. Then I would usually slump to the ground and bury my face into my knees and stay that way for a while.

Then I would try to pull myself back together and try to be positive. But that never last long, I tend to overthink stuff to the point where I actually would cause myself to have migraines or worry myself to when I would have no hope, no self-esteem and no energy left to keep up with it. It's a constant, repeated cycle I go through just about every day. It's a raging war between me v. me, my brain v. my heart. It's an exhausting endless fight. I have wondered when I was going to reach my breaking point of no return but it has yet not to happen.

Then that's what got me thinking, I'm still here and I'm actually starting to recover. I survived my soul, myself being shattered to millions of pieces. And I'm actually picking them up then piecing them back together, trying to repair myself. I felt myself getting stronger and more confident but the pain is still there, pitted deep into my heart and into my mind, trying to pull me down.

Like I previously had said, it's a hard, never ending struggle. And it is NOT easy to piece myself back together, I already have a couple chunks missing and I know for a fact I will not get them back ever. But that's okay; I don't want a perfect heart, actually I would rather have a broken, destroyed heart. I find it more beautiful, stronger and unique that way. I have finally found a way out, a true way to recover and still have you by my side.

The next day, I walked with my head held high, feeling amazing. I knew everyone noticed the difference in me by how they watched me. I was feeling proud and strong of myself, knowing I have amazing people by my side including you. I was actually happy and believing things was going to get better from this point on.

As the weeks passed, I started to feel crappy again. I just didn't want to do anything and I started doubting myself, doubting everyone including you. I started to panic that the "episodes" was coming back again. I didn't want to go through it again so I begged for a sign. I wanted a sign of How can I stop doubting you and my friends. Ironically enough, it happened but not in the way I would imagine. I am not going to explain what happens because it's very personal and painful to talk about but I can say what I've learned and gain from this experience.

My new buddies and I have gotten a hell lot closer. I've lost "friends" that were not worth my time. I've also made a lot of changes with myself. But most importantly, I knew you do really care about me; even other people noticed it and can even say it without doubt. It was one if the greatest feelings ever, I won't lie. It's like I could run forever and not even have to stop for anything, I was absolutely ecstatic. But my own mother and my grandmother have caught me off guard that night, we were just generally talking and somehow they brought you up. I was thinking "ohm my god, Are you kidding me? Seriously, we're talking about this right now?" But I decided to be respectful and listen to what they had to say. My own mother said this…"I know that boy loves you." I rolled my eyes at her and scoffed. My grandmother unbelievably backed her up! I was getting irritated and angry. She said…" I can see it in his eyes, the way he looks at you when you're not looking." I got up and walked away. I was so mad; I just walked to my room and started swearing at everything. I tried to calm myself down but no success, then I felt it again, the pain in my chest. It was so overwhelming, I couldn't even breathe. So I just slumped down on the ground and just simply said "…Why me?" As if my life isn't challenging enough without you and the drama involved.

I was still so irritated but then again, I started thinking again. I hated having to think about it, because it makes me feel so childish and weird. I just really sat there, and reviewed what has had happened over the last few weeks. It seems like you do really care and for some reason, you just have to be near me from what I've noticed and other people has noticed then tell me about it. I'm confused, what the hell do you want? I'm getting somewhat tired of the mixed signals you're sending me. I'm very mentally exhausted but yet you keep me going. You make me so mad and yet, you never got mad at me. You've haven't yelled at me, we haven't had a "one-on-one" argument. Then I started to feel guilty for thinking that, I know I should be grateful and feeling lucky that we haven't argued nor you getting pissed at me. I knew that's when I needed to change my state of mind, my ways of thinking and looking at things.

I started to feel a lot better. I've decided to stop taking things and people for granted and start enjoying the good things; Suffer through the bad but become stronger through that. I felt a lot more confident thinking that and actually happier than before.

There will be more pieces to this story, I tend to start with the middle then work my way out to the beginning and the end! I would love ideas and critisim (^_^)