It's Time for Change
Disclaimer: I do not own the original characters.
Author's Note: Hi Girls! We arrived to a special point, this is officially my 50th story! So it's time for a little celebration! And that's the reason I choose a special story this time. I tried to make a bridge between PD1 and PD2, what was in my mind for three years now… Oh and it's a story for Ursa. Yes dear, you were right.
"…Who am I for you?" asked Joseph out of the blue, stopping his queen and making her turn around.
"What?... Sorry, I don't think I understand you." Clarisse had a confused smile on her face. "Joseph, are you ok?"
"Who am I for you? Answer me, please."
"Who would you be?" She smiled, playfully stoking his cheek. "Oh Joseph… You know, you are my man, my lover, my best friend…. and my Head of Security." She added the last bit with a chuckle in her voice but his expression stopped her. "Joseph, what is the problem?"
"Do you think everything is alright?"
"Yes, of course." She smiled. "We are happy together… aren't we?"
"And do you really think this is happiness?"
"Oh, please don't start that." She held up her hand, protesting. "I thought we've already talked about this…"
"Yes we DID, but it does not mean this is how it has to be."
"Joseph…" She sighed and stepped closer. "My life is complicated, and you knew that perfectly well when we started this. I can't risk letting anyone know about our relationship…I can't take this public right now."
"When, Clarisse? When will you be able to acknowledge us… this relationship?" he asked, his voice sad and frustrated at the same time. "You promised me you would try. When will you try to find a way for us to be together?"
"I FOUND a way, Joseph. We ARE together. We live together, we sleep together, we ARE together. I don't know what else I could give you."
"Yourself," he whispered, looking at her.
"This is me, Joseph. Why don't you understand that?" She was so tired of these talks. "This is ME, myself, my life and I have given everything to you."
"You are not mine."
"How the hell would I not be yours?!" She was close to shouting.
"Sometimes I feel there is no point in this… In us." He sighed, hesitating about whether to leave or not, but Clarisse grabbed his arm to stop him.
"How can you say there is no point in us?" she asked quickly, her question hanging in the air.
"Sometimes, I just feel… Most of the time I'm over the clouds with you, but…"
"But?" She was concentrating hard.
"But from time to time, I feel I'm alone. That this whole thing is only one sided. You are living your life, and it seems you do not need me."
"That's not true."
"I know, but that's how I feel. You are happy in your own little world, doing your everyday things, and when you need a little comfort you just snap and I'm there. And you are happy with that. And when you do not need me, you just put me aside. I know it's not intentional."
"I don't do that!" Clarisse said unbelievingly.
"Yes, you do," he nodded. "When you want, we are together, doing anything, but when I want to be with you even for a few minutes, you just get rid of me. You say that you have to work, or you are too busy, and these are the better ways. Most of the time, you do not say a word, just disappear for days. Not literally of course, but I can see you during the day, but only from afar, and you do not even think to say goodnight or anything… as if I do not exist."
"No Joseph, you know how important you are to me." She was still shocked. "I just… I'm just busy, you know? I have so many things in my head."
"But you could say hello at least on those busy days."
"So you're saying now that I'm selfish?" she asked, becoming frustrated.
"In a way…yes."
"Fine!" she cried. "Then let me tell you that I'm not in that lucky, free position that you are. I have duties. I have to rule a country. And in every relationship people have to make compromises. And because you are free and I'm not, I thought it would be natural that you have to be a bit more conformable."
"It's not about conformation, you're treating me like an object."
"Really?! Then why don't you just go back to your room for tonight, hm? Oh, sorry! You cannot do that, because you are just an OBJECT!" she hissed and shut the door behind her.
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
She was terribly angry when she reached the garden. Angry, because until now she thought, at least she tried to convince herself, that everything was right between them, and now, what she was afraid of was true. She loved this life, the same routine and duties every day, while she also had the love of her life. And yes, she was happy with that. She was happy and contended, and hoped that he felt the same way about her. She hoped that he would be satisfied and happy with their lifestyle, but thinking on it, it started to seem ridiculous… How could he be happy with this? Happy that they have to sneak around every time they want to be together? Sneaking around… The truth was she loved waiting for him at night, waiting for him in secret and spending the night in his arms. It was exciting of course, but mostly… intimate. She loved these nights, and she was thinking a lot about how it would be to spend every night with him, legally, but something in her just… just ran away from this opportunity. It was strange, on one hand was what she had always wanted, but on the other hand she was scared. Scared about… changing. Changing in her public life, and changing in her private life. Everything was too complicated. She did not know how people would react, how would she live with Joseph openly at the palace, maybe he would want to move out, she would have to leave Mia and everything she built up over the years. Everything was in balance until now, her public and secret life. She did not want (did not dare) to make a change. But there was another reason she feared change. She tried to convince herself that it wasn't the main reason, but deep inside she knew what her problem was…herself. She was afraid of marriage. It sounded ridiculous after 40 something years of being married, but that was not a real a marriage, it was a business deal between two families, a promise that two friends had made each other. But now, everything would be different… She would have to be a real wife. What if she messed up? What if she is not suited for this role? What if they couldn't make this work? What if? She was tired. Tired of thinking over and over again about the same problem. She was so happy with her life. Then why… why did she have to make a change? Why the hell did she have to make decisions? She was fed up with making decisions. She wanted her old life, but she also wanted her new one with Joseph. And she knew he was not happy with this situation.
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Joseph quickly regretted what he said. Why wasn't he satisfied with his life? He had everything he ever dreamed of, and he had… yes he knew he had, the woman who was so unreachable for years, the woman he always dreamed of. He was so stupid. He could be over the clouds twenty-four hours a day, but he wanted more. More than everything? Is that possible? He knew how much she loved him, and also knew that when she 'ignored' him, it was not intentional. She just had a non average life before him, and her lifestyle, her habits, her reactions were different. That's all, but she loved him more than anything. Then why wasn't he satisfied? Why was he so selfish? Was he really selfish? Was it really a selfish thing, to want to live with the woman you love in a real family? No, it was not. But still… he should be happy with this, with their secret life, but it was not enough. He desperately wanted more. Why? He did not know. Ok, maybe he did. But it was just a feeling, a slight little nothing, that he should ignore. It was almost ridiculous to accept, but he was afraid. Yes, he Joseph, the Head of Security, that man with the dangerous look and a poker face, was afraid. Afraid of what exactly? Afraid of other men? No. He was absolutely sure that none of the men from her circles could seduce, and steal her from him. No, his enemy was not a possibility of another man. His enemy was worse…her duty. What if she will wake up one day and say, 'I'm sorry Joseph, it was a mistake, and we have to forget what happened between us.' What if she changed her mind? She could do it at anytime. She has no responsibility. They were together only in secret, no-one knew it; it was just a dream if she choose that way… if she wanted to step out. And he could not bear this suspense. He was worrying too much over the years and he did not want to worry anymore. What if he lost her forever by forcing this? Was it really worth the risk? He was so lost… so lost in worry. The only thing he was able to think at the moment was her, holding her in his arms and… and he needed her. He knew he could not give their life up for his worries of the moment. He did not want to risk it. At least not yet.
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Clarisse was laying on her left side, trying to sleep or at least relax a bit. She knew she was thinking too much for one day, but she was not able to think on anything else. She missed him…. missed him terribly. She missed his arms around her, feeling his warm body surrounding her… gosh, it was hell. Maybe she could pop in his room, just to see him. Just to… At that moment she heard her door open. It was a soft sound, but over the years, she grew attuned to it and recognized it immediately. This was one of her favorite sounds, because it meant that Joseph was there. A warm smile appeared on her lips, but she did not dare to move. What if he just wanted to collect his things, his things that he always 'just left in her room'. But he did not want to sneak out the same way as he came, no. A little later, she felt him get under the sheets next to her and start stroking her arm gently.
"Are you sleeping?" he whispered, leaning closer to her.
She could hardly hide her smile, before she answered. "Not yet," and turned around.
"I'm so sorry…" started Joseph, who wanted to tell her how much he regretted their argument, but she cut him off quickly.
"No Joseph, you were right. I'M sorry. I didn't know how you felt. I really did not want to ignore you…never. Oh my God, never, I could never do that." She was whispering, turning into his arms and kissing his lips fully. Joseph should bring up with the idea of them being together openly, but everything was too perfect. He did not want to ruin it, he was too happy to have her… at least in secret. But maybe… maybe one day he would ask her to make that decision, and maybe… he would ask her to marry him in the gazebo. They say it's a perfect kind of place for that…
The End