WARNING: THIS STORY WILL CONTAIN MENTIONS OF RAPE AND CONVERSATIONS ABOUT RAPE. THE PLOT ITSELF WILL BE CENTERED HEAVILY AROUND RAPE. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.
So, I know that a lot of you will likely wonder why I am writing this story. The only thing I have to say is that I have had this idea for a long time. I'm finally deciding to write it because I wish to challenge myself as an author and to push the limits of what I think I can and can't write. That being said, if you are made uncomfortable by the idea of this, do not read it. I will continue to write and post this story for my own purposes.
As always, feel free to come talk to me about this and share your thoughts and feelings, but know that I am not writing this with any intention other than that of challenging myself.
Alec woke up gasping for air and knew he had to get out of the room no matter what. He turned to look at Magnus, who was lying peacefully beside of him, and tried to slow his rapid heartbeat. He tried to tell himself that he was fine, but before long, he had to turn away and get out of bed, doing everything in his power to keep from waking Magnus.
As Alec curled up on the couch and wrapped a blanket around himself, he couldn't help but wonder what he was actually doing. The problem was not in any way about Magnus, and he knew that, but he couldn't seem to allow himself to stay by Magnus's side any longer, even though he felt safe with Magnus. The entire idea of it was absolutely maddening, and it was an idea that made him want to run away from it all.
Earlier that day, he remembered, he had thought that he could not have been happier. He had spent the entire day with Magnus, sometimes finding that he slowly felt himself relaxing in a way that he rarely did. When Magnus had offered to let him spend the night, Alec had, for a reason that he would likely never understand, agreed. But now, in the silence of the night, he was beginning to wonder if he'd made a mistake.
Almost absently, Alec realized that he was shivering, and even though he knew it wasn't from being cold, he wrapped the blanket around him tighter. The reason he had woken up, the reason he had to get out of bed had absolutely nothing to do with Magnus, but rather the fact that he found himself having a dream he hadn't had in years, and he wasn't entirely sure what to make of it.
Alec leaned over to put his head in his hands, almost feeling angry with himself for it. Why, after all this time, would the things that had haunted him for so long come back to haunt him once more? Why, when he had finally found comfort and happiness, would his mind decide to bring up the one thing that could ruin everything for him?
After several minutes of deep breathing, Alec felt his heartrate begin to slow. Several minutes after that, he decided that going back to bed would be the best course of action, seeing as he didn't exactly relish the thought of talking to Magnus about exactly why he was out of bed in the first place. Slipping back into bed beside of Magnus, Alec felt strangely comforted, which didn't make any sense to him at all, so he closed his eyes and let himself relax, shoving his thoughts aside and letting his body sink into the sleep it so desperately wanted.
Magnus didn't really know exactly what he was doing, all he knew was that he was on autopilot, far more driven by his emotions than anything his mind had to say to him at the moment. For a reason that Magnus didn't truly understand, he had just asked Alec to move in with him. They were six months into their relationship, and he had simply asked with no warning to even himself.
They had spent the day together, doing things that Alec himself had planned, which was such a surprising change to Magnus that he couldn't do anything other than allow himself to forget about everything going on around him that didn't include Alec. Since Alec had planned the entire day, Magnus had taken it upon himself to make, magic free, dinner. It was over dinner that Magnus had suddenly found himself asking Alec to move in, and he couldn't even begin to fathom why.
For a few very long moments, Magnus couldn't help but thinking that Alec was going to tell him no. Finally, a smile began to creep across Alec's face, and he simply began nodding, causing Magnus to find a smile on his face as well. Magnus didn't know exactly what had prompted him to ask, but considering the fact that Alec had said yes, he was prepared to leave it unquestioned.
After dinner, Magnus found himself suddenly unable to keep his eyes off of Alec, which wasn't too much of a strange thing considering that it happened more often than he would care to admit. Instead of taking the time to clean up, Magnus snapped his fingers and set the kitchen clean once more. He got up from his seat at the table and reached out a hand to Alec, leading him back to the bedroom and quickly turning around to wrap his arms around Alec.
Magnus would have gotten entirely lost in their kiss if it hadn't been for the fact that he noticed how hesitant Alec was to kiss him at first. It was something that he'd noticed several times, but he'd refrained from bringing it up, knowing that Alec was sometimes uncomfortable with himself in general. Half of the time, it seemed to him as though Alec had to work himself up to being able to become intimate with Magnus in any way. It was as though he had to tell himself that things were fine before he could actually allow himself to relax enough to be with Magnus.
It was something that Magnus had always simply chalked up to the fact that this was Alec's first relationship. He knew that Alec was slowly becoming comfortable with both his life and their relationship, so he tried to give Alec the space that he needed, tried to be as understanding as possible. Knowing that it had been far too long since his first relationship, Magnus tried to remind himself that he only halfway knew what Alec was feeling.
At this particular moment, however, Magnus couldn't help but realize that Alec was much more hesitant than usual. Sensing this, he slowed himself down as much as possible, letting Alec know that he was allowed to take control. As Alec turned toward the bed, Magnus tried to remind himself that he and Alec had only gone so far, that Alec was likely still weary because he'd never had sex. Magnus closed his eyes, trying to slow himself down and tell himself that he couldn't allow himself to get too lost in Alec's touch.
For a while, he let Alec encompass him, suddenly finding it very hard to distinguish where he ended and Alec began. Being with Alec so intimately was like taking a deep breath after a lifetime of breathing through a straw, and Magnus found himself wanting to breathe deeper and deeper. Just as Magnus began to slide his hand further up Alec's leg, however, Alec pulled back from their kiss, his breath ragged.
"Magnus," he halfway breathed. "Magnus, I need to stop. Please." Despite absolutely everything that his body currently wanted, Magnus forced himself to pull away from Alec, the pain in Alec's voice far too apparent. For a few moments, they sat completely still, Magnus looking down at Alec with open concern as he sat on the bed, his hands pushing against Magnus's chest. Before Magnus could figure out anything that he could do or say, Alec abruptly pushed himself away, quickly moving off the bed and out of the room.
Magnus allowed several minutes to pass before he followed Alec into the living room. This was mostly due to the fact that he was trying to work through everything that had just happened in his own mind. If Magnus had thought for a moment that Alec had simply been uncomfortable with the thought of having sex, he likely would have left it alone. But the look in Alec's eyes when he pushed himself off of the bed told Magnus that it was much more than that, so he made sure he was fully clothed once more before picking up the rest of Alec's clothes and following him out of the bedroom.
When Magnus saw Alec seated on the couch, curled up almost as tightly as possible, he knew that the situation was much worse than he had initially thought. He walked over to the couch and placed Alec's clothes on the back of it before making his way to the kitchen. When Magnus returned to the living room, he sat on the opposite end of the couch and held out a mug full of hot chocolate to Alec. Alec tried to smile weakly as he took the mug, but Magnus could easily see how hard that was for him to do.
"It's not that I don't want to have sex with you, Magnus," Alec said before Magnus had time to think of how he was going to go about the conversation before him. "Trust me, that's not it at all." The way Alec's voice wavered made Magnus want nothing more than to wrap Alec in his arms and hold him until the pain went away, but considering the current circumstances, Magnus knew that was the last thing he needed to do.
"You don't have to explain yourself to me, Alexander," Magnus said, trying to keep his voice as light and even as possible. He didn't exactly want to have this conversation either, but he knew they had to have it. "But I do have a question for you." He waited until Alec nodded to continue.
"Have you been-" Magnus paused abruptly, having absolutely no idea how to properly phrase his question. "Did someone-" he almost groaned in frustration. "Were you-" when Magnus paused once more, he was surprised to see Alec look over at him with the slightest smile on his face. Before Magnus could attempt to rephrase his question again, Alec asked a question of his own. His question was so simple, or at least it should have been, but the fact that he was finishing Magnus's own question hit Magnus much harder than he had imagined it could. "Raped?"