Title: If I'm So Great...
Characters: Miles, Tristan, Maya
Summary: Miles has to overcome the self-hatred he learned at the hands of his father. Soft-Triles, some Matlingsworth multiship. Set during episode 13x13. Contains child abuse and references to sexual content within the teen rating.
Warnings: Child abuse, homophobia.
Notes: I'm writing this in an older style of Miles as this takes place in 13x13. Back when this episode aired, our view of Miles was entirely different and I am trying to emulate that some but also with consideration of what more we know about Miles after the fact. This fic is inspired by ideas from fics posted in fall of 2013 since I only joined the fandom at Next Class.
If I'm So Great…
I.
Miles had been as nearly as happy as Maya when he heard the excitement in her voice for the music video she had made yesterday. She had called him last night ecstatic about her big break and couldn't wait for him to see it t. So here he was on the edge of his seat waiting to see the thing that made the girl of his dreams so happy.
It was news to him that Maya loved music though he couldn't really blame himself for not knowing. They had only been back from Paris for a few weeks and their friendship was just starting. He had tons more to learn about her and Tristan. Plus, he was a guy – it took the better part of his brain to look past her beauty, long wavy hair and perky breast to value the friend underneath. He vowed not to objectify her like he had all the girls of his past and see her for who she was. Maya and Tristan were the best friends he had made since Chewy and he didn't want to throw it away.
But Maya was making that incredibly difficult right now.
It pained him to see her twirling around on the screen half-naked and using sex for attention. He grimaced as she cuddled up next to him to share her excitement – a surprisingly small portion of the pain was caused by the pressure on his bruises.
His eyes shot to Tristan and Zoe in hope that at least one of them shared his feelings, but nope. Neither felt the slightest bit of anger at seeing their friend belittle herself for all to see. Zoe was just as enthralled in her handiwork as Maya and Tristan was basking in the risqué nature of it all.
His lips trembled and he had to stop his jaw from twitching before the tears started to pour. He tried to look at his lap but he couldn't tear his eyes away from the screen as the girl he liked so much showed off and felt so comfortable in her body. Jealousy tore through tore through him at the fact another person could feel so comfortable in their skin unlike him. It was only compounded by his jealousy of the more than attractive guy she was with.
'Take, take it all off. Look at the real me and don't ever stop. Take, take it all offfffff,' her sweet voice enchanted yet crushed him.
Why was she doing this to him? It was as if she thought the whole thing through and made it to tear him apart.
His eyes glazed over as his brain dragged him into a flash back from the previously week that he didn't want to relive – but his mind was his greatest tormentor.
"Why can't you do anything right, Miles?" he father roared as he burst unceremoniously into Miles' room and flicked the light on.
"Wha-what?" Miles mumbled as sleep addled thoughts adjusted to consciousness and he peered out of squinted eyes at his father through too bright a light. His whole body tensed in fear as the sharp crack of the door slamming tore through the room. "What did I do now?" he asked half-heartedly.
He yelped as his father pulled him out of bed by his arm and slammed him against the wall. It happened in the span of a second and his shoulder blades ached at the contact. He ignored the pain and glared daggers at his father.
"You couldn't even make the fucking basketball team?" his father queried in a tone that didn't invite an answer.
Miles knew he wasn't getting out of this without a beating so he did what he always did – he wouldn't let his father know that he had already won.
"I made the team, jackass. Both Tristan and I did," Miles retorted, then shrunk in terror as he realized his mistake. He fought back more tears at the slap in his face.
"Just like you to say that, you fucking failure of a son. Not only are you friends with that fag, you can't even play basketball better than him. Pathetic," his father scoffed.
"Whatever, fuck you. Can I go back to bed now?" Miles pleaded indignantly. Then he doubled over in pain as his father's fist met his gut.
"Why can't you be like your sister and be good at school? Or your brother and be good at sports. Hunter is great at lacrosse."
Miles looked up to his father and hissed. "And he hates playing it, like I hate playing basketball. The only thing I like about it is hanging out with my friends."
His father kicked him in the side and Miles gasped with a sound he never wanted to repeat as he struggled to express his pain.
"The fag friend? I thought I beat it all out of you when I took you out of that dance class," Miles vaguely heard his father say above him as he struggled to gather his thoughts. "You know what Miles, I don't even care if you are one. I give up on you. You're a scrawny little wimp anyway, not as if even that porker would go for you. Just make starter by the end of the semester or I guarantee you'll regret it. At least give me something good to say about you for the campaign. We'll get you steroids if we have to. Maybe if they shrink your balls enough you'll stop being a fairy, not that you ever had any."
His father left the room and he stayed on the floor for hours unable to gather the will to move. His father had given up on him. His flaws couldn't be fixed. He wasn't worthy of even the most basic of fatherly love.
He didn't go to school the next day and felt nothing but pain until a text from Maya brightened his day.
Seeing the video that Maya was so excited about had been his reason for crawling out of bed this morning. Now that he saw it, it could only manage to send his stomach into a ache reminiscent of his father's punch.
His jaw was still shaking and his eyes were jumping in his head ready to burst with tears but he could hardly feel it as the world spun around him.
He was shaken to awareness by Maya shaking his arm. "So, what did you think?" she asked with a smile that simultaneously crushed as well as delighted him.
"Ye-yeah," he stammered. "It was great. If you like porn," he spat with venom and stood up to leave. He couldn't deal with this right now. He heard her ask in a sad voice to Tristan, "Is he okay?" and those words tugged at him and almost dragged him back into the room. But he crushed those threads.
He found his way to the bathroom and splashed water on his face. She didn't really care about him. Who would? He was a skinny, scrawny guy who failed at everything. He could never compete with the hot guy in that video that even he would go for. And the he watched himself slap his face in the mirror for that. He couldn't be gay. Couldn't show the slightest inclination or his father might very well end him.
He shouldn't have gotten out of bed this morning. It only made everything worse. He went to an empty stall, pressed his head against the wall and cried. No one could see how pathetic he was here.
II.
He missed his next class but he finally built up the courage to leave and go to the one after. It helped that he at least liked English. It was the one thing he excelled in though his grade didn't show it.
He was at his locker when Maya came up to him. He turned his eyes away in shame, but she spoke anyway.
"Are you made at me?" she asked.
He scoffed. "It's not like you're my girlfriend." You would never like me anyway, was the only thought he could think of.
"Look, I'm sorry I said no to the Ed Sheeran thing," she said, but Miles cut her off.
"You see, I though you weren't ready for a relationship, but really you just didn't want a relationship with me," he snarled.
Maya blinked. "That's not true. I like you Miles, I just…" she trailed off.
"You just think I'm despicable. I get it Maya. I have awful teeth, a scrawny body and no muscle. Now go kiss your Prince Charming," Miles mock-encouraged as he walked off.
"Miles!" Maya cried following him. "That's not true. You're perfect the way you are."
"Ha!" Miles roared. "I've heard it all before Maya. You girl's always want my money. You know, I thought we were friends. I didn't think you were such a slut."
Maya froze in her tracks. "You did NOT just call me that," she exclaimed.
Miles scoffed as he turned around. "It's not just me, go check your Facerange."
And then he left. He had English class after all. Anything was more important than this.
III.
Miles skipped his last class and was waiting outside for when his mother would pick up his siblings and him. He laid down in the grass and closed his eyes to catch some sleep. He had barely closed his eyes when a voice awoke him.
"What do you think you're doing?" he heard a voice roar. He opened his eyes and hissed as the sun burned into them.
Miles groaned when he recognized the voice. "What do you want Tris," he asked.
"Coming to see what's up with you?" Tristan said. "Calling Maya a slut was not okay."
Miles closed his eyes for a moment before speaking. "Look, maybe it wasn't the best thing to say. But… she made that video just to hurt me."
Tristan laughed without mirth. "Ugh! I'm not even sure if I should be mad at you for being so self-absorbed, or worried that you actually think she would make that video to upset you. Ugh!" Tristan crouched down next to Miles. "First thing first, I guess. Why do you think she made that video to hurt you?"
Miles sighed, his eyes still closed to block out the sun. He turned to Tristan's general direction before speaking. "I don't know, Tris. Maya's just… she's so beautiful and pretty. She's so comfortable in her body and when I saw her with that guy, I was jealous."
"Don't worry, Miles," Tristan said. "She isn't leaving you for some random hot guy."
Miles laughed and cracked open his eyes to get a look at Tristan. "While I'll give you that he is hot, that's not why I was jealous." He was silent for a moment and he gulped nervously as Tristan analyzed what he said. "I was jealous of how comfortable she was in her body. And how nice it is."
"Ohhhh," Tristan said. Then, "Ohhhh," as true realization dawned on him. "Maya mentioned that you seemed… unsatisfied with your body."
Miles laughed sardonically at that. "Unsatisfied? Try fucking hating it? I'm scrawny, skin and bones, I hate looking in the mirror and I hate having to smile because my teeth are all wrong." Miles stretched his hands above his head, then pushed himself up.
He heard Tristan gasp and he looked to see the blonde covering his mouth in shock. Miles laughed again at that. "What Tris, can't take dark? Can you only be my friend when you think I'm the confident, happy guy you met back in Paris?"
"Miles," Tristan said, as he reached his hands towards Miles' ribs. Miles jerked at the contact and tried to roll away, only to be stopped by a gentle hold by Tristan. "Miles," Tristan repeated. "Talk to me."
"About what, Tris," Miles grumbled. "You don't really care about me, no one does."
"I care about you Miles. You're a great guy no matter what. You care about your friends even if you have a hard time showing it sometimes."
"If I'm so great Tris, then why…" Miles began. "Never mind."
"Tell me, Miles." Tristan begged.
"Whatever, Tris," Miles said as he scanned Tristan's eyes. "Sure, I'll bite. If I'm so great, why do I hate myself? I can't pretend anymore Tristan," Miles croaked. "I thought I really stood a chance with Maya, but she doesn't want me. Why would she?"
"That's not true, Miles. Maya cares about you. She sent me after you, after all."
"And not because you wanted to?" Miles asked snidely.
Tristan blinked with shock. "Of course I wanted to Miles. We're friends."
Miles rolled the word over his tongue. "Friends."
"Yes, Miles, friends. I care about you."
"Why?"
"Because you're a good person, Miles. You try to act all tough, but deep down you're a good guy. I didn't understand why before, but I do now. You have a vulnerability – you understand what it's like not to be perfect. You never judged me, not really. You don't understand how nice it is to have a guy best friend who I can really trust."
Miles frowned. He couldn't let Tristan look so down on himself. He didn't know why but Tristan deserved his love. "C'mon Tris, you're one of the most lovable guys I know. Anyone who doesn't like you, they're crazy."
Tristan smiled. "That's sweet, Miles."
"I don't want you to worry about me though, Tris."
"Then don't give me anything to worry about, Miles. Talk to me. Talk about your problems so I can know how to help."
"There's nothing you can do, Tris. I'm fine, promise!" Miles said with a fake grin plastered across his face. And then he hissed as Tristan's hand brushed the bruise on his ribs.
"I can't help, huh?" Tristan asked. "Tell me who did this to you."
Miles turned away again. "I fell," he lied.
"I'm not stupid, Miles. If you care about our friendship as much as you say, don't lie to me."
Miles closed his eyes. "Okay, Tris. I'll tell you. Can we do this tomorrow? I just want a good night's sleep."
"On one condition," Tristan said. "You need to spend the night with me. I'm not stupid Miles. And neither is Maya. She told me how cruel your father is to you, and I've seen how you get when you talk about him. He hits you, doesn't he?"
"Tomorrow, Tris. I promise."
Tristan nodded as he leaned down to offer his hand to Miles. "We can walk to my house."
I hope you enjoyed :) Well as much as you can a darker fic.
Fun fact: I threw in the line about Hunter with lacrosse because the first time we see him at dinner with his family, he mentions lacrosse (which was promptly dumped as he became the gamer kid). I figured he played and hated it and was excited to never do it again.