Atonement
Disclaimer: The usual, I don't own them, just playing with them since WB and STM won't do anything with them! I'll put them back when I'm done like a good little girl, I promise (Grins!) I retain rights to the plot, if there is one. That came from my own twisted imagination! Excerpt taken from "The First Time", written by Eugenie Ross-Leming and Brad Buckner, Rod Holcomb
All the quotes at the beginnings of the chapters come from my own poetry. All poems can be found in their entirety on FF.Net.
Premise: Filler for the time between my stories "Wild Night" and "Repercussions". Amanda starts to deal with killing August Kincaid, and her feelings about Lee Stetson. Flashbacks are offset by ~~~~~
Timeline: Summer of 1985. Starts off right after Amanda left Lee's apartment in "Wild Night". For the purposes of this series, we are going to assume that the aired episodes of the third season prior to and including "Utopia Now" were set in the spring of '85.
Rating: I'm going to have to say 'R' for some of the violence. Though not horribly graphic, I'd rather be safe than sorry!
Archive: ff.net, SMK Fanfic Archive, Dawn's site . . . anywhere else is fine too, just send me the link so I can check it out!
Authors notes: First, why Ocean City, New Jersey? Because they do have a boardwalk there, and I'm somewhat familiar with the area, having grown up in South Jersey myself. Second, I am well aware that it is out of character, and that gives me reservations about posting it. Keep in mind that this Whole series is TOTALLY AU, because we know that it would never have happened on the show. But. . . what if it did? It popped into my head completely formed, and held my brain captive until it made it's way onto my computer. I couldn't resist the challenge! So, that said . . .
Feedback: Yeah, sure! On list or off, all CONSTRUCTIVE criticism and high praise accepted. Flames? I got the marshmallows and hot dogs. Who's bringing the sticks?
Thanks go out to Barb for her quick beta of this story, and to Danielle for allowing me to "use" her!
**********
Prologue
King House
Saturday, June 15, 1985, 10:30 AM
"Mother!" Amanda King called as she entered the house, hoping that everyone was home.
"Up here, Amanda," Dotty West's voice called from upstairs.
Amanda ran up the steps and found her mother in her bedroom, straightening the bed. "Mother, how would you like to go to the beach for a month? Just you, me and the boys."
Dotty looked up from the bed at her daughter. "What about work?"
"Well, my boss just gave me some time off, and I kinda want to take it before they change their minds. We could leave soon, if you and the boys want. Where are the boys?"
"In the back yard, dear. Amanda, how would we afford a month at the beach, anyway. The hotel fees alone . . ."
"Mother, you remember Megan Alwin? She came home with me from UVA one Thanksgiving? One of my sorority sisters?"
"Oh yes, that sweet girl. What does she have to do with staying at the beach?"
"Well, she has a beach house in Ocean City, and she said that if we wanted, we could use it. She's not going to be able to make it there this year, and said she didn't want it to go to waste."
"Oh. Well, in that case . . ."
"So why don't you just start packing, Mother. I'll head into the boys room and start getting them ready."
Dotty watched as Amanda flew out of the room and shook her head. "I shouldn't question it. I just shouldn't question it!"
**********
Chapter One: Sleepless Nights
A Beach House in Ocean City, New Jersey
Monday, July 1, 1985. 11:00 PM
"in my head
the demon resides
the zombie of the night
the dream I cannot shake
tonight's the night
to end all time
a lifetime of pain
now for total darkness resides . . ."
(From "No More Silence")
Amanda King stood on the deck of the beach house, looking out at the ocean. It seemed so long ago that she'd been just a single mother of two taking her boyfriend to a train station. So much had changed since that morning. Amanda looked down at her hands. Hands that two weeks ago had killed a man.
'How could I have done that? I killed a man. I killed one man to save another. To save Lee. A man I will likely never see again."
"Amanda?" Dotty's voice broke into her reverie. "I'm surprised you're still awake, what with the boys keeping you running all day.
"I couldn't sleep," Amanda mumbled.
"Again? Amanda, whatever is bothering you, it would probably help if you were to talk about it."
Amanda shook her head in the negative. This wasn't something that Dotty could handle. "I'll be fine, Mother, it's nothing."
"I don't think it's nothing, dear. You're always moping around. That's just not like you."
"I don't want to talk about it," Amanda half-cried, running from the balcony down to the edge of the water. She felt the waves lap at her feet, and buried her head in her hands before looking up at the sky. "Why?" she whispered into the blackness. "Why did I do it? I killed him. I killed him." Amanda sank down to her knees in the sand and buried her face in her hands once again.
-~-~-~-~-~-
1:00 AM
Amanda lay awake on the bed, tossing and turning. The vision of her holding the gun on Kincaid refused to leave her mind. She could see the scene as clearly as if she was still there, hear his voice yelling at Lee as clearly as if he was in the room with her.
~~~~~
"Where is it? Where is the disk, Stetson!"
"I don't know what you're talking about." Lee growled.
"Freeze!" Amanda shouted.
She could see Kincaid slowly raising his weapon, and could hear the loud retort of a gun. The thick smell of gunpowder crowded her nostrils as she watched the red stain spreading across Kincaid's chest. He fell to the ground as she watched, stunned into silence.
"Amanda," Lee's voice called to her from where he still sat tied to the chair.
She dropped the gun, but was still unable to pull her eyes away from Kincaid lying on the floor.
"Amanda," Lee called out again, his voice seeming to be miles away.
"I . . ."
"Amanda!"
"Killed . . ."
"Amanda?"
"Him?"
"Amanda, please."
She shook her head to clear it as the word please came through. She turned to Lee and went to untie him.
~~~~~
Amanda bolted upright out of the bed before her mind could travel to the eventual outcome of that night.
**********
Chapter Two: Endless Days
The Beach House
Thursday, July 4, 1985. 9:00 AM
"Seek me now while I may be found
show me the love I need
as the kindness falls like rain one last time
tell me, show me, seek me.
Seek me now while I may be found . . ."
(From "Seek Me Now")
"Mom, can Jamie and I go down to the boardwalk?" Phillip King started begging.
"Yeah, Mom, can we? Please?" Jamie joined in.
"Just for a little while? We'll be careful, we promise!"
"Yeah, Mom, we promise!"
"Only if you're careful, fellas," Amanda sighed, not wanting to say no.
"Alright!" Both boys shouted in unison before running out of the house.
"Be back by noon, fellas!" Amanda shouted behind them.
"Amanda," Dotty interjected as the boys rushed out the door.
"Yes Mother?"
"Are you sure you're okay? You've been awfully quiet lately."
"I'm fine, Mother," Amanda replied, standing up from the table. "I'm just going to take a walk, okay?"
"Do you want me to join you?"
"No thanks, I just need to be by myself for a little while," Amanda answered as she headed out the sliding glass doors that lead outside to the deck and then down to the beach.
"Something is seriously wrong with that girl," Dotty muttered under her breath.
-~-~-~-~-~-
Amanda walked along the beach, heading south. As she watched the vacationers here for Independence day weekend, she sighed, wishing she could feel as carefree as these people did. But she knew about the people fighting behind the scenes, making sure that there would be another Independence day. Making sure that men like Kincaid didn't get to sell secrets to countries like Russia and East Germany.
Just the fact that she'd prevented that from happening should have absolved her, but it didn't. Amanda knew that if she'd stayed in Arlington, she'd probably be seeing Dr. Phaff right about now, talking through the feelings that were overwhelming her since she'd pulled that trigger. But she wasn't there, she was here. Would talking to a shrink help? How much could she tell them? Certainly not the truth. Who would believe that a single mother from the suburbs was a spy? But she had to talk to someone, she knew that. Before she totally broke down.
Lee's face came unbidden to her mind. He knew what it was like. He knew what she was going through. She remembered what he'd said to her as they sat on his couch that night . . .
~~~~~
"Lee?"
"Hmm?" he responded, looking deep into her eyes.
"What was it like? The first time you . . ."
"Shot someone?"
Amanda nodded.
"Strangely, I found myself in a similar situation as you did tonight. My partner went in ahead of me. I, uh, heard shots, and went after him," Lee paused for a moment, a play of emotions running across his face. "When I, uh, got inside, someone had a gun to his head. My partner elbowed the man holding him, which made him lower his gun for just a second. When the gun started to raise back to my partner, I fired."
Amanda thought about this as Lee paused, waiting for him to continue. "But how did you deal with it after?" She lifted the glass to her lips again.
"Well, I guess the way most of us do, Amanda. Of course I had to go to the shrink. And it took a while before I could look at a gun without remembering what I'd done. But I knew in the end that it was either I kill him, or he would kill my partner."
Amanda thought about for this for several long moments. Lee was, in his way, telling her it was not her fault. She'd done what she'd had to do. That didn't, however, ease her mind.
~~~~~
'Lee would understand,' Amanda thought, 'But Lee isn't here. And even if he was, there's no going back now.'
**********
Chapter Three: Seeking Help
An office building in Downtown Ocean City
Monday, July 8, 1985, 1:00 PM
"No more difference between night and day
life is all the same anyway
no more time between dark and light
all I know is I don't wanna fight . . ."
(From "So Close So far")
'Well, Amanda, this is it,' Amanda thought as she stood outside the door to Dr. Frasier's office. 'Time to get your head shrunk.' She opened the door and stepped in.
"Ahh, Mrs. King I presume?" A young redheaded woman smiled at her as she walked in the office.
"Yes," Amanda answered shyly, looking around the well furnished room.
"I'm Danielle Frasier," The redhead introduced herself. "Most of my patients prefer to call me Danielle, it's a lot less intimidating than 'Doctor.' Oh, just sit wherever you feel most comfortable. Some people prefer the chair, others the couch."
Amanda took a seat in one of the arm chairs, and Danielle took the other.
"So Amanda," Danielle began, "Do you mind if I call you Amanda?"
"No, not at all," Amanda smiled, already feeling more comfortable in this woman's presence.
"When you called, you said you were having problems with recurring dreams."
"Yes," Amanda answered, the smile disappearing. "You see, I know why I'm having the dreams. They have to do with something I did. I . . ." Amanda broke off and looked down at her hands. "Everything I tell you is confidential, right?"
"Yes, there are strict rules about doctor-patient privileges."
"I was working in . . . law enforcement, and, well, I was forced to shoot someone. I'd never had to before, in fact, I never even carried a gun, but . . . he had my partner, and was about to shoot him. And then I shouted 'Freeze' but he didn't freeze, and the next thing I remember is seeing him fall to the ground. I heard the shot, but I don't remember pulling the trigger. And I . . . I don't think I've gotten a full night sleep since. Every time I close my eyes, I'm back in the warehouse, holding the gun."
Danielle closed her eyes for a moment, and then looked directly at Amanda. "Your company didn't have you talk to somebody?"
Amanda looked down at her hands again. "Well, it got kinda complicated. When my partner and I got back to the . . . the office, and went in for debriefing . . .The Age . . . ah, company psychiatrist had already left. It happened on a Friday, and he'd left for the weekend. And my Sec . . . ah, my boss was on vacation for the weekend, so we got out of there pretty quickly. I talked to my partner about it a little bit, since he's been doing this a lot longer than I have, but, well, that's when things got complicated, and I . . . I, uh, resigned."
Danielle nodded her head. "I take it you haven't been back since?"
"No, I can't . . . I can't face certain people there."
"Which people? Your partner?"
Amanda nodded. "We, well, I, uh . . . that part's not important, is it? I mean, if I can get over these dreams . . ." The thoughts of that night came rushing back at her.
~~~~~
It was dizzying, this kiss. Like something out of those romance novels her mother read. She could feel those fireworks. She was spiraling into the light of a thousand stars. She couldn't move. Her mind, addled by the wine as it was, kept telling her to move, to get out of his embrace before anything else happened, something that they could not take back. Her body refused to cooperate, and her heart took over the debate. 'You've wanted this for a long time, Amanda King. Just go for it!'
She felt his hand coasting up her side, and the movement was in no way ticklish. From where it had been on her waist, up to the underside of her breast. She plunged her hands in his hair, drawing him ever closer.
"Amanda," Lee moaned.
A tsunami of desire coursed through her as he started kissing the hollow of her neck. An answering moan of "Lee," escaped her lips. Her hands left his hair and caressed his chest.
She was spiraling out of control. Her hands moved from his chest, and worked their way beneath his shirt. His skin was hot to the touch, so hot it almost burned her.
Amanda had his shirt unbuttoned, and was placing hot kisses down his chest. All Lee could do was groan, and pulled her up to face him, the question screaming out of his eyes before he could even ask.
Amanda's answer was simple. She cupped her hand on his cheek, and drew his mouth back to hers.
Lee scooped her up and stood in one motion, and carried her to his bedroom. With the greatest reverence, he laid her down on his bed, and gently laid beside her. With a reverent voice, said like a prayer, he whispered, "Oh, Amanda . . ."
Her voice held the same tone when she whispered his name back. His lips descended on hers again, while his hands continued their tender assault on her senses. He started his own trail of kisses down her midsection, as her hands tangled in his hair like vice grips.
~~~~~
"Amanda?" Danielle called out.
Amanda's head snapped back and she looked at the young doctor as the blush rose in her cheeks. "I'm sorry, I . . . uh . . ."
"It's alright. Must be some memory."
"Huh?" Amanda asked.
"You're blushing."
"I am?" Amanda brought her hands up to her cheeks.
"Yes, I'm afraid you are."
"I'm . . . it's, uh . . . oh my gosh!"
"It's alright. If you just want to deal with the dreams for the time being, I mean."
"Oh. Yes, I think that would be best."
"You said that the second you lay down, they come back to you? These memories of what happened when you shot the man."
"Yes."
"And if you hadn't shot him. What would have happened?"
"He would have shot my partner."
"Would he have shot you as well?"
"I don't know. I didn't even think of that. But even if he did, it still doesn't excuse what I did. A man is dead because of me."
"But another is alive because of you. And if he was willing to kill your partner, and possibly you as well, what would have stopped him from killing again? Your partner, was he the first person this man tried to kill?"
"No," Amanda shook her head. "He was . . . people paid him to . . ."
"He was a paid assassin?"
"Yes," Amanda admitted.
"Then you probably saved quite a few lives."
"Yes, I suppose I did."
"But that doesn't make you feel better?"
"No. Because I still see him falling. I tried telling myself that the world was better off without him, but . . . he's still there when I close my eyes."
-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-
Danielle Frasier sighed as she watched Amanda leave her office at the end of the hour. Taking the notepad out of her desk, she sat down and started writing her impressions of the confused woman.
'Amanda King. Possible shock. Government employee -- Agency, perhaps. Maybe CIA. -- She and Partner (name unknown) went on an assignment, partner captured. Amanda killed the assailant. Nightmares. Resigned from "company" after incident. Not followed up by "company" psychiatrist.
Other issues seem to be wrapped up in the shock. Says she cannot face partner. Possibly because of her actions in saving his life, not sure. Does not seem the type for the work in which she was involved. A certain amount of –naiveté?- innocence, moral standing, evident.'
***********
Chapter Four : The Chains Will Break
The Beach House
Wednesday, July 24, 1985, 12:00 Noon
"That moment's gone
a short little bit of time
the happiness has passed
no rhythm, no reason, no rhyme."
(From "Pieces Of Me")
"Mother, I'm going for a walk, I'll be back later," Amanda called out.
"Do you want me to come with you?" Dotty asked.
"No Mother, I'll be fine." Amanda called back as she slipped out the door and headed down the beach. They'd been there for a month and a half, and she'd been seeing Dr. Frasier for a little over two weeks. The nightmares were easing up, but now, she still had to deal with her feelings for Lee. And the possible repercussions of those feelings, or more accurately, the possible repercussions of that night. But she didn't want to face that just yet. There was still time for that. Right now, she had to go see Dr. Frasier.
-~-~-~-~-~-
"Amanda, right on time, as always," Dr. Danielle Frasier smiled as Amanda entered the office.
"Hello Danielle," Amanda smiled back at the red-haired doctor before sitting down in the armchair.
"You look a lot better today," Danielle remarked. "How are the nightmares?"
"Not so bad the last few days," Amanda admitted. "But there is something else."
"And what's that?"
"I think I'm ready to talk about the complicated part. I don't think I'll be able to totally get over the nightmares until I do."
"If it's tied in somehow, likely not. Where do you want to start?"
"At the beginning, I suppose. It's strange, really. When I first met him, I never thought that we could . . . I mean, he's just so different than anyone I'd ever met."
"Different how?"
"At first I thought it was just the excitement of the job. I mean, yes, he's gorgeous, and when he wants to be he can be the sweetest man, but he's . . . well, life hasn't been easy for him, and I think I'm one of the first real friends he's ever had."
"How did you meet him? I take it we're talking about your partner?"
"Yes," Amanda smiled briefly as she thought about that October day. "Actually, it was kind of strange how it happened. I was taking my boyfriend, Dean to the train station, and had just waved goodbye to Dean, when there he was. A man dressed as a waiter, but he had the most beautiful eyes, and when he asked me to take the package . . ."
~~~~~
"Excuse me!" Amanda exclaimed.
"Just walk with me." Lee looked at her desperately.
"I certainly will not." Amanda turned out of his grasp, but not fast enough, for he caught her.
"Please, I'm in trouble."
"No, I've got to go," Amanda said forcefully.
"Wait. Just one more thing. Please."
"No."
"I'm in trouble. Please? Please?" Lee begged. They looked into each other's eyes, and Amanda relented.
"What is it you want me to do?"
"Take this, get on the train. It's a matter of life and death."
"Life and death?"
"Hand it to the man in the red hat."
"Is this for real?"
"Look, just get on the train, hand it to the man in the red hat. You can get off at the next stop and forget all about this, but just do it!"
~~~~~
"And then I got on the train as he asked. There were twenty-five men in red hats, so I kept the package. Then there he was again, knocking on my car window when I took my boys to a drive-in restaurant. That was a almost two years ago.
"And how did it get complicated?"
"Well, we've worked together a lot since then, and we eventually became friends. Then the night that I . . . that I saved his life . . ."
~~~~~
She finally decided to just blurt it out, get it over with. "Lee, I'm done. I want to quit. The Agency, that is."
"Amanda, nothing like that is ever going to happen again."
Amanda now had tears running from her eyes. "How can . . . you be. . . sure?"
"Because," he paused, stuttering slightly, "Cause I'd never. . . would never let anyone hurt . . . hurt the woman I love."
Now Amanda was shocked. He'd said he loved her! Euphoria was coursing through her soul.
Lee leaned over to touch her lips with his, gently at first, ever so gently.
He pulled back. That's all Amanda could think about. He pulled back. Not this time, buster! She touched her hand to his face, the love pouring out of her eyes. This time, she moved towards him. Gently at first, since she'd felt that electricity course through herself the first time. Then more demanding.
His lips parted, his tongue licking her lips for entrance. He nibbled her bottom lip, and suddenly they parted, granting him the taste of her mouth.
It was dizzying, this kiss . . .
~~~~~
"And then we . . . um, we made love."
"You're in love with him."
"Yes," Amanda admitted.
"Have you told him?"
"I couldn't."
~~~~~
She didn't know how to begin. His head was hanging there. She knew that he knew she was there, but he wouldn't look at her. How could she tell him what she knew in her heart of hearts? She had no idea if those feelings were really returned or not, no matter what he'd said last night. How could she tell him she loved him? Would just coming out and saying it pressure him into admitting whatever it was that he felt for her? She knew now that he at least desired her, or he did last night. She could tell that he knew exactly who was with him. She didn't think he would have paused the way he did with any of his other woman. Most of them knew exactly what he was after. So did she, but last night it hadn't made any difference to her. She'd needed him too much to stop at that point.
"Amanda?" Lee asked, finally lifting his head, even though he didn't look her in the eye.
"Yes?" Amanda was staring in her coffee, as if by looking in the dark pool she could tell the future.
"Um, about last night," he broke off.
Amanda raised her head. 'Here it comes. It was just two people who got carried away. Last night didn't mean anything to him, or he wouldn't be so uncomfortable around me now. He knows what it would have meant to me. He knows I don't take things like that lightly.' She decided to let him off easy, even though she felt like she was suffocating. "I understand."
~~~~~
"And I left. Packed up Mother and the boys, and we came here."
"You're running away, Amanda, You know that, don't you."
"I don't think I can face him. What if he knows, but he doesn't feel the same?"
"What if he does feel the same? He did tell you he loves you."
"But the way he acted the next morning . . ."
"Amanda, there are plenty of reasons why he would have acted like that. You said yourself that he has trouble with emotions."
"Maybe. I just don't know how I can talk to him now."
***********
Chapter Five: Rise Above
Danielle Frasier's office
Tuesday, August 13, 1985, 2:00 PM
"and I will rise above
mightier than before
having fought the beast
even if I have not won the battle,
mayhap I can win the war.
No more silence have I."
(From "No More Silence")
"I just wanted to let you know, Danielle. We're leaving on Thursday morning."
"Do you want a referral for when you get back to Arlington?" Danielle asked, a small frown marring her face. "Or do you think you'll go to one of your company's psychiatrists?"
"I don't know yet. Like I said, no one at home knows what I do. It's been pretty easy so far because my Mother just thinks I've been taking a lot of walks, but when we get back . . ."
"She'll wonder, especially if you don't go back to work."
"I don't know yet if I can go back. Or even if I'd want to."
"Tell you what, I can write you one anyway, and then you can decide later. How does that sound?"
"That sounds like a good idea. Thank you for everything, Danielle." Amanda said as she exited the office for the last time.
-~-~-~-~-~-
The beach house, 9:00 PM
Amanda looked out on the Atlantic ocean, and sighed. There was still a long way to go, she knew. At least the nightmares were gone, for the most part. She'd only had one in the past two weeks.
She walked down to the water's edge and watched the ebb and flow of the tide. She placed a hand on her abdomen as she thought of the tiny life nestled inside, the child conceived out of a night of passion. Her atonement for taking a life.
Disclaimer: The usual, I don't own them, just playing with them since WB and STM won't do anything with them! I'll put them back when I'm done like a good little girl, I promise (Grins!) I retain rights to the plot, if there is one. That came from my own twisted imagination! Excerpt taken from "The First Time", written by Eugenie Ross-Leming and Brad Buckner, Rod Holcomb
All the quotes at the beginnings of the chapters come from my own poetry. All poems can be found in their entirety on FF.Net.
Premise: Filler for the time between my stories "Wild Night" and "Repercussions". Amanda starts to deal with killing August Kincaid, and her feelings about Lee Stetson. Flashbacks are offset by ~~~~~
Timeline: Summer of 1985. Starts off right after Amanda left Lee's apartment in "Wild Night". For the purposes of this series, we are going to assume that the aired episodes of the third season prior to and including "Utopia Now" were set in the spring of '85.
Rating: I'm going to have to say 'R' for some of the violence. Though not horribly graphic, I'd rather be safe than sorry!
Archive: ff.net, SMK Fanfic Archive, Dawn's site . . . anywhere else is fine too, just send me the link so I can check it out!
Authors notes: First, why Ocean City, New Jersey? Because they do have a boardwalk there, and I'm somewhat familiar with the area, having grown up in South Jersey myself. Second, I am well aware that it is out of character, and that gives me reservations about posting it. Keep in mind that this Whole series is TOTALLY AU, because we know that it would never have happened on the show. But. . . what if it did? It popped into my head completely formed, and held my brain captive until it made it's way onto my computer. I couldn't resist the challenge! So, that said . . .
Feedback: Yeah, sure! On list or off, all CONSTRUCTIVE criticism and high praise accepted. Flames? I got the marshmallows and hot dogs. Who's bringing the sticks?
Thanks go out to Barb for her quick beta of this story, and to Danielle for allowing me to "use" her!
**********
Prologue
King House
Saturday, June 15, 1985, 10:30 AM
"Mother!" Amanda King called as she entered the house, hoping that everyone was home.
"Up here, Amanda," Dotty West's voice called from upstairs.
Amanda ran up the steps and found her mother in her bedroom, straightening the bed. "Mother, how would you like to go to the beach for a month? Just you, me and the boys."
Dotty looked up from the bed at her daughter. "What about work?"
"Well, my boss just gave me some time off, and I kinda want to take it before they change their minds. We could leave soon, if you and the boys want. Where are the boys?"
"In the back yard, dear. Amanda, how would we afford a month at the beach, anyway. The hotel fees alone . . ."
"Mother, you remember Megan Alwin? She came home with me from UVA one Thanksgiving? One of my sorority sisters?"
"Oh yes, that sweet girl. What does she have to do with staying at the beach?"
"Well, she has a beach house in Ocean City, and she said that if we wanted, we could use it. She's not going to be able to make it there this year, and said she didn't want it to go to waste."
"Oh. Well, in that case . . ."
"So why don't you just start packing, Mother. I'll head into the boys room and start getting them ready."
Dotty watched as Amanda flew out of the room and shook her head. "I shouldn't question it. I just shouldn't question it!"
**********
Chapter One: Sleepless Nights
A Beach House in Ocean City, New Jersey
Monday, July 1, 1985. 11:00 PM
"in my head
the demon resides
the zombie of the night
the dream I cannot shake
tonight's the night
to end all time
a lifetime of pain
now for total darkness resides . . ."
(From "No More Silence")
Amanda King stood on the deck of the beach house, looking out at the ocean. It seemed so long ago that she'd been just a single mother of two taking her boyfriend to a train station. So much had changed since that morning. Amanda looked down at her hands. Hands that two weeks ago had killed a man.
'How could I have done that? I killed a man. I killed one man to save another. To save Lee. A man I will likely never see again."
"Amanda?" Dotty's voice broke into her reverie. "I'm surprised you're still awake, what with the boys keeping you running all day.
"I couldn't sleep," Amanda mumbled.
"Again? Amanda, whatever is bothering you, it would probably help if you were to talk about it."
Amanda shook her head in the negative. This wasn't something that Dotty could handle. "I'll be fine, Mother, it's nothing."
"I don't think it's nothing, dear. You're always moping around. That's just not like you."
"I don't want to talk about it," Amanda half-cried, running from the balcony down to the edge of the water. She felt the waves lap at her feet, and buried her head in her hands before looking up at the sky. "Why?" she whispered into the blackness. "Why did I do it? I killed him. I killed him." Amanda sank down to her knees in the sand and buried her face in her hands once again.
-~-~-~-~-~-
1:00 AM
Amanda lay awake on the bed, tossing and turning. The vision of her holding the gun on Kincaid refused to leave her mind. She could see the scene as clearly as if she was still there, hear his voice yelling at Lee as clearly as if he was in the room with her.
~~~~~
"Where is it? Where is the disk, Stetson!"
"I don't know what you're talking about." Lee growled.
"Freeze!" Amanda shouted.
She could see Kincaid slowly raising his weapon, and could hear the loud retort of a gun. The thick smell of gunpowder crowded her nostrils as she watched the red stain spreading across Kincaid's chest. He fell to the ground as she watched, stunned into silence.
"Amanda," Lee's voice called to her from where he still sat tied to the chair.
She dropped the gun, but was still unable to pull her eyes away from Kincaid lying on the floor.
"Amanda," Lee called out again, his voice seeming to be miles away.
"I . . ."
"Amanda!"
"Killed . . ."
"Amanda?"
"Him?"
"Amanda, please."
She shook her head to clear it as the word please came through. She turned to Lee and went to untie him.
~~~~~
Amanda bolted upright out of the bed before her mind could travel to the eventual outcome of that night.
**********
Chapter Two: Endless Days
The Beach House
Thursday, July 4, 1985. 9:00 AM
"Seek me now while I may be found
show me the love I need
as the kindness falls like rain one last time
tell me, show me, seek me.
Seek me now while I may be found . . ."
(From "Seek Me Now")
"Mom, can Jamie and I go down to the boardwalk?" Phillip King started begging.
"Yeah, Mom, can we? Please?" Jamie joined in.
"Just for a little while? We'll be careful, we promise!"
"Yeah, Mom, we promise!"
"Only if you're careful, fellas," Amanda sighed, not wanting to say no.
"Alright!" Both boys shouted in unison before running out of the house.
"Be back by noon, fellas!" Amanda shouted behind them.
"Amanda," Dotty interjected as the boys rushed out the door.
"Yes Mother?"
"Are you sure you're okay? You've been awfully quiet lately."
"I'm fine, Mother," Amanda replied, standing up from the table. "I'm just going to take a walk, okay?"
"Do you want me to join you?"
"No thanks, I just need to be by myself for a little while," Amanda answered as she headed out the sliding glass doors that lead outside to the deck and then down to the beach.
"Something is seriously wrong with that girl," Dotty muttered under her breath.
-~-~-~-~-~-
Amanda walked along the beach, heading south. As she watched the vacationers here for Independence day weekend, she sighed, wishing she could feel as carefree as these people did. But she knew about the people fighting behind the scenes, making sure that there would be another Independence day. Making sure that men like Kincaid didn't get to sell secrets to countries like Russia and East Germany.
Just the fact that she'd prevented that from happening should have absolved her, but it didn't. Amanda knew that if she'd stayed in Arlington, she'd probably be seeing Dr. Phaff right about now, talking through the feelings that were overwhelming her since she'd pulled that trigger. But she wasn't there, she was here. Would talking to a shrink help? How much could she tell them? Certainly not the truth. Who would believe that a single mother from the suburbs was a spy? But she had to talk to someone, she knew that. Before she totally broke down.
Lee's face came unbidden to her mind. He knew what it was like. He knew what she was going through. She remembered what he'd said to her as they sat on his couch that night . . .
~~~~~
"Lee?"
"Hmm?" he responded, looking deep into her eyes.
"What was it like? The first time you . . ."
"Shot someone?"
Amanda nodded.
"Strangely, I found myself in a similar situation as you did tonight. My partner went in ahead of me. I, uh, heard shots, and went after him," Lee paused for a moment, a play of emotions running across his face. "When I, uh, got inside, someone had a gun to his head. My partner elbowed the man holding him, which made him lower his gun for just a second. When the gun started to raise back to my partner, I fired."
Amanda thought about this as Lee paused, waiting for him to continue. "But how did you deal with it after?" She lifted the glass to her lips again.
"Well, I guess the way most of us do, Amanda. Of course I had to go to the shrink. And it took a while before I could look at a gun without remembering what I'd done. But I knew in the end that it was either I kill him, or he would kill my partner."
Amanda thought about for this for several long moments. Lee was, in his way, telling her it was not her fault. She'd done what she'd had to do. That didn't, however, ease her mind.
~~~~~
'Lee would understand,' Amanda thought, 'But Lee isn't here. And even if he was, there's no going back now.'
**********
Chapter Three: Seeking Help
An office building in Downtown Ocean City
Monday, July 8, 1985, 1:00 PM
"No more difference between night and day
life is all the same anyway
no more time between dark and light
all I know is I don't wanna fight . . ."
(From "So Close So far")
'Well, Amanda, this is it,' Amanda thought as she stood outside the door to Dr. Frasier's office. 'Time to get your head shrunk.' She opened the door and stepped in.
"Ahh, Mrs. King I presume?" A young redheaded woman smiled at her as she walked in the office.
"Yes," Amanda answered shyly, looking around the well furnished room.
"I'm Danielle Frasier," The redhead introduced herself. "Most of my patients prefer to call me Danielle, it's a lot less intimidating than 'Doctor.' Oh, just sit wherever you feel most comfortable. Some people prefer the chair, others the couch."
Amanda took a seat in one of the arm chairs, and Danielle took the other.
"So Amanda," Danielle began, "Do you mind if I call you Amanda?"
"No, not at all," Amanda smiled, already feeling more comfortable in this woman's presence.
"When you called, you said you were having problems with recurring dreams."
"Yes," Amanda answered, the smile disappearing. "You see, I know why I'm having the dreams. They have to do with something I did. I . . ." Amanda broke off and looked down at her hands. "Everything I tell you is confidential, right?"
"Yes, there are strict rules about doctor-patient privileges."
"I was working in . . . law enforcement, and, well, I was forced to shoot someone. I'd never had to before, in fact, I never even carried a gun, but . . . he had my partner, and was about to shoot him. And then I shouted 'Freeze' but he didn't freeze, and the next thing I remember is seeing him fall to the ground. I heard the shot, but I don't remember pulling the trigger. And I . . . I don't think I've gotten a full night sleep since. Every time I close my eyes, I'm back in the warehouse, holding the gun."
Danielle closed her eyes for a moment, and then looked directly at Amanda. "Your company didn't have you talk to somebody?"
Amanda looked down at her hands again. "Well, it got kinda complicated. When my partner and I got back to the . . . the office, and went in for debriefing . . .The Age . . . ah, company psychiatrist had already left. It happened on a Friday, and he'd left for the weekend. And my Sec . . . ah, my boss was on vacation for the weekend, so we got out of there pretty quickly. I talked to my partner about it a little bit, since he's been doing this a lot longer than I have, but, well, that's when things got complicated, and I . . . I, uh, resigned."
Danielle nodded her head. "I take it you haven't been back since?"
"No, I can't . . . I can't face certain people there."
"Which people? Your partner?"
Amanda nodded. "We, well, I, uh . . . that part's not important, is it? I mean, if I can get over these dreams . . ." The thoughts of that night came rushing back at her.
~~~~~
It was dizzying, this kiss. Like something out of those romance novels her mother read. She could feel those fireworks. She was spiraling into the light of a thousand stars. She couldn't move. Her mind, addled by the wine as it was, kept telling her to move, to get out of his embrace before anything else happened, something that they could not take back. Her body refused to cooperate, and her heart took over the debate. 'You've wanted this for a long time, Amanda King. Just go for it!'
She felt his hand coasting up her side, and the movement was in no way ticklish. From where it had been on her waist, up to the underside of her breast. She plunged her hands in his hair, drawing him ever closer.
"Amanda," Lee moaned.
A tsunami of desire coursed through her as he started kissing the hollow of her neck. An answering moan of "Lee," escaped her lips. Her hands left his hair and caressed his chest.
She was spiraling out of control. Her hands moved from his chest, and worked their way beneath his shirt. His skin was hot to the touch, so hot it almost burned her.
Amanda had his shirt unbuttoned, and was placing hot kisses down his chest. All Lee could do was groan, and pulled her up to face him, the question screaming out of his eyes before he could even ask.
Amanda's answer was simple. She cupped her hand on his cheek, and drew his mouth back to hers.
Lee scooped her up and stood in one motion, and carried her to his bedroom. With the greatest reverence, he laid her down on his bed, and gently laid beside her. With a reverent voice, said like a prayer, he whispered, "Oh, Amanda . . ."
Her voice held the same tone when she whispered his name back. His lips descended on hers again, while his hands continued their tender assault on her senses. He started his own trail of kisses down her midsection, as her hands tangled in his hair like vice grips.
~~~~~
"Amanda?" Danielle called out.
Amanda's head snapped back and she looked at the young doctor as the blush rose in her cheeks. "I'm sorry, I . . . uh . . ."
"It's alright. Must be some memory."
"Huh?" Amanda asked.
"You're blushing."
"I am?" Amanda brought her hands up to her cheeks.
"Yes, I'm afraid you are."
"I'm . . . it's, uh . . . oh my gosh!"
"It's alright. If you just want to deal with the dreams for the time being, I mean."
"Oh. Yes, I think that would be best."
"You said that the second you lay down, they come back to you? These memories of what happened when you shot the man."
"Yes."
"And if you hadn't shot him. What would have happened?"
"He would have shot my partner."
"Would he have shot you as well?"
"I don't know. I didn't even think of that. But even if he did, it still doesn't excuse what I did. A man is dead because of me."
"But another is alive because of you. And if he was willing to kill your partner, and possibly you as well, what would have stopped him from killing again? Your partner, was he the first person this man tried to kill?"
"No," Amanda shook her head. "He was . . . people paid him to . . ."
"He was a paid assassin?"
"Yes," Amanda admitted.
"Then you probably saved quite a few lives."
"Yes, I suppose I did."
"But that doesn't make you feel better?"
"No. Because I still see him falling. I tried telling myself that the world was better off without him, but . . . he's still there when I close my eyes."
-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-
Danielle Frasier sighed as she watched Amanda leave her office at the end of the hour. Taking the notepad out of her desk, she sat down and started writing her impressions of the confused woman.
'Amanda King. Possible shock. Government employee -- Agency, perhaps. Maybe CIA. -- She and Partner (name unknown) went on an assignment, partner captured. Amanda killed the assailant. Nightmares. Resigned from "company" after incident. Not followed up by "company" psychiatrist.
Other issues seem to be wrapped up in the shock. Says she cannot face partner. Possibly because of her actions in saving his life, not sure. Does not seem the type for the work in which she was involved. A certain amount of –naiveté?- innocence, moral standing, evident.'
***********
Chapter Four : The Chains Will Break
The Beach House
Wednesday, July 24, 1985, 12:00 Noon
"That moment's gone
a short little bit of time
the happiness has passed
no rhythm, no reason, no rhyme."
(From "Pieces Of Me")
"Mother, I'm going for a walk, I'll be back later," Amanda called out.
"Do you want me to come with you?" Dotty asked.
"No Mother, I'll be fine." Amanda called back as she slipped out the door and headed down the beach. They'd been there for a month and a half, and she'd been seeing Dr. Frasier for a little over two weeks. The nightmares were easing up, but now, she still had to deal with her feelings for Lee. And the possible repercussions of those feelings, or more accurately, the possible repercussions of that night. But she didn't want to face that just yet. There was still time for that. Right now, she had to go see Dr. Frasier.
-~-~-~-~-~-
"Amanda, right on time, as always," Dr. Danielle Frasier smiled as Amanda entered the office.
"Hello Danielle," Amanda smiled back at the red-haired doctor before sitting down in the armchair.
"You look a lot better today," Danielle remarked. "How are the nightmares?"
"Not so bad the last few days," Amanda admitted. "But there is something else."
"And what's that?"
"I think I'm ready to talk about the complicated part. I don't think I'll be able to totally get over the nightmares until I do."
"If it's tied in somehow, likely not. Where do you want to start?"
"At the beginning, I suppose. It's strange, really. When I first met him, I never thought that we could . . . I mean, he's just so different than anyone I'd ever met."
"Different how?"
"At first I thought it was just the excitement of the job. I mean, yes, he's gorgeous, and when he wants to be he can be the sweetest man, but he's . . . well, life hasn't been easy for him, and I think I'm one of the first real friends he's ever had."
"How did you meet him? I take it we're talking about your partner?"
"Yes," Amanda smiled briefly as she thought about that October day. "Actually, it was kind of strange how it happened. I was taking my boyfriend, Dean to the train station, and had just waved goodbye to Dean, when there he was. A man dressed as a waiter, but he had the most beautiful eyes, and when he asked me to take the package . . ."
~~~~~
"Excuse me!" Amanda exclaimed.
"Just walk with me." Lee looked at her desperately.
"I certainly will not." Amanda turned out of his grasp, but not fast enough, for he caught her.
"Please, I'm in trouble."
"No, I've got to go," Amanda said forcefully.
"Wait. Just one more thing. Please."
"No."
"I'm in trouble. Please? Please?" Lee begged. They looked into each other's eyes, and Amanda relented.
"What is it you want me to do?"
"Take this, get on the train. It's a matter of life and death."
"Life and death?"
"Hand it to the man in the red hat."
"Is this for real?"
"Look, just get on the train, hand it to the man in the red hat. You can get off at the next stop and forget all about this, but just do it!"
~~~~~
"And then I got on the train as he asked. There were twenty-five men in red hats, so I kept the package. Then there he was again, knocking on my car window when I took my boys to a drive-in restaurant. That was a almost two years ago.
"And how did it get complicated?"
"Well, we've worked together a lot since then, and we eventually became friends. Then the night that I . . . that I saved his life . . ."
~~~~~
She finally decided to just blurt it out, get it over with. "Lee, I'm done. I want to quit. The Agency, that is."
"Amanda, nothing like that is ever going to happen again."
Amanda now had tears running from her eyes. "How can . . . you be. . . sure?"
"Because," he paused, stuttering slightly, "Cause I'd never. . . would never let anyone hurt . . . hurt the woman I love."
Now Amanda was shocked. He'd said he loved her! Euphoria was coursing through her soul.
Lee leaned over to touch her lips with his, gently at first, ever so gently.
He pulled back. That's all Amanda could think about. He pulled back. Not this time, buster! She touched her hand to his face, the love pouring out of her eyes. This time, she moved towards him. Gently at first, since she'd felt that electricity course through herself the first time. Then more demanding.
His lips parted, his tongue licking her lips for entrance. He nibbled her bottom lip, and suddenly they parted, granting him the taste of her mouth.
It was dizzying, this kiss . . .
~~~~~
"And then we . . . um, we made love."
"You're in love with him."
"Yes," Amanda admitted.
"Have you told him?"
"I couldn't."
~~~~~
She didn't know how to begin. His head was hanging there. She knew that he knew she was there, but he wouldn't look at her. How could she tell him what she knew in her heart of hearts? She had no idea if those feelings were really returned or not, no matter what he'd said last night. How could she tell him she loved him? Would just coming out and saying it pressure him into admitting whatever it was that he felt for her? She knew now that he at least desired her, or he did last night. She could tell that he knew exactly who was with him. She didn't think he would have paused the way he did with any of his other woman. Most of them knew exactly what he was after. So did she, but last night it hadn't made any difference to her. She'd needed him too much to stop at that point.
"Amanda?" Lee asked, finally lifting his head, even though he didn't look her in the eye.
"Yes?" Amanda was staring in her coffee, as if by looking in the dark pool she could tell the future.
"Um, about last night," he broke off.
Amanda raised her head. 'Here it comes. It was just two people who got carried away. Last night didn't mean anything to him, or he wouldn't be so uncomfortable around me now. He knows what it would have meant to me. He knows I don't take things like that lightly.' She decided to let him off easy, even though she felt like she was suffocating. "I understand."
~~~~~
"And I left. Packed up Mother and the boys, and we came here."
"You're running away, Amanda, You know that, don't you."
"I don't think I can face him. What if he knows, but he doesn't feel the same?"
"What if he does feel the same? He did tell you he loves you."
"But the way he acted the next morning . . ."
"Amanda, there are plenty of reasons why he would have acted like that. You said yourself that he has trouble with emotions."
"Maybe. I just don't know how I can talk to him now."
***********
Chapter Five: Rise Above
Danielle Frasier's office
Tuesday, August 13, 1985, 2:00 PM
"and I will rise above
mightier than before
having fought the beast
even if I have not won the battle,
mayhap I can win the war.
No more silence have I."
(From "No More Silence")
"I just wanted to let you know, Danielle. We're leaving on Thursday morning."
"Do you want a referral for when you get back to Arlington?" Danielle asked, a small frown marring her face. "Or do you think you'll go to one of your company's psychiatrists?"
"I don't know yet. Like I said, no one at home knows what I do. It's been pretty easy so far because my Mother just thinks I've been taking a lot of walks, but when we get back . . ."
"She'll wonder, especially if you don't go back to work."
"I don't know yet if I can go back. Or even if I'd want to."
"Tell you what, I can write you one anyway, and then you can decide later. How does that sound?"
"That sounds like a good idea. Thank you for everything, Danielle." Amanda said as she exited the office for the last time.
-~-~-~-~-~-
The beach house, 9:00 PM
Amanda looked out on the Atlantic ocean, and sighed. There was still a long way to go, she knew. At least the nightmares were gone, for the most part. She'd only had one in the past two weeks.
She walked down to the water's edge and watched the ebb and flow of the tide. She placed a hand on her abdomen as she thought of the tiny life nestled inside, the child conceived out of a night of passion. Her atonement for taking a life.