`Merlin... Why don´t you tell us why you are here?´ The lanky boy on the fare away side of the circle around the therapist winced when he heard his name being called. He glared at the woman and then looked shyly through his lashes around the group.
`I´m here because you have a problem with me. I´m here because you think I´m crazy. That this is a call for help. That I want more attention from my surroundings. You know what? I hate attention. I just want to live in peace. So back off.´ With those words said he slung his arms around his thin body and retreated back into his shell not listening what the therapist answered.
After the group session ended he returned through the long white halls of the mental institution back to his rooms. There was nothing in there but a single bed with a too thin matress, a cupboard for his clothes and a small nightstand. Another door lead into the tiny bathroom without a window. Not that the view would be nice. Surrounding the building was a yard with a few trees and big stone walls as far as you could see.
If you would lay your head back you could glimps a part of the cloudy sky. Everything was framed by metal bars. Merlin was brought to this asylum 2 months ago. The people found out that he had memories of former lifes. Not random ones. He was the reincarnation of Merlin Emrys, advisor of the king of Camelot and whatever he used to be in all the lifes following after that fateful first one.
With this knowledge the people thought he was weird and had a little, no, way too much fantasy. But that was not the worst part. His so called best friends were let into the secret that not only his memories carried on into all his lifes but his magic too. That piece of information was enough for his friends to call the nice men with the straightjackets.
When he woke up here after they gave him an injection in the hospital where his friends brought him after punching him for fear he would go madman at them he couldn´t believe he was stupid enough to tell anyone. He remembered how it ended the last times.
That´s why he was reincarnated so often. Because in every lifetime he died as a young man a painful unnatural way being sent to death for sorcery and black magic. He thought the 21st century would be progressive enough for accepting that magic still excisted and wasn´t always bad. But you see where you are now Merlin, he told himself. At least be grateful they didn´t burn you at the stakes. This time.
Two months and he didn´t talk to his therapist not to speak of the other inhabitants. Some of them weren´t too bad. Those ones who ignored him. But others tried to force the the magic out of him by bullying him or trying to raise his temper with cruel jokes and mean names. He didn´t trust anybody and wouldn´t make that mistake again. He simply endured it.
But more painful than all these things together was the fact that hadn´t found Arthur in the last 5 centuries. He was never able to feel him again after he had seen him at the court in Florence during the Renaissance. He thought the reason he was born again and again was that his destiny was not fulfilled and he had to protect the once and future king. But then why couldn´t he find him to protect him.
The times when his memories were bleary and fragmentary were easier to live trough although it felt like he was missing some important thing. The next time he remembered fully the pain and desperation came back full force. He couldn´t breath right, his mind was torturing him with images of Arthur and telling him he had to find him or else Arthur wouldn´t survive. It was too much to handle sometimes.
The pressure built the longer he lived without success. And now he couldn´t even search for him because he was stuck in this damn prison. It was killing him knowing that maybe Arthur was out there this time and he simply losed out on finding him because of this unbelievable people who thought him crazy. Merlin needed to get out of here. Soon. This feeling nagging on the back of his mind grew stronger and he just knew in this world Arthur did exist.
Frustrated Merlin threw himself on his bed and tried to think of a solution. He must have dozed of because the next thing he heard was shuffling around the room and the voice of the night-nurse telling someone about this room, the bed, the bathroom and who his roommate was. Apparently me, Merlin thought. Fucking awsome. Not only do I have to face the other lunatics daily, no now I have to share a room with one. And with my luck he has some anger management problems and kills me in my sleep. Great.
This were the only things Merlin managed to think before deciding he didn´t care enough to have a look at the newbie in the middle of the night. This could wait till morning. The last sounds he heard were again the nurse who gave the other boy some pills and ordered him to take them in her presence.
But his nightsleep was interrupted again as Merlin heard a new voice. This one was whimpering and babbling something Merlin couldn´t understand. As the noises grew louder Merlin turned to face the rest of the room. The other bed was occupied and the boy who was sleeping there had apparently a very bad dream.
He couldn´t see him clearly because of the darkness. The boy was now crying out for someone or something and began trashing around. His screams turned agonized and Merlin remembered a time when he himself had dreams like this. It was the first life he had to face after Arthur´s dead. Nearly every night he dreamt about his king, his friend, his love.
Sometimes there were good dreams when he remembered the good times they´d had together. But more often it were cruel dreams that made him relive Arthurs dead again and again. He could never save him and had to watch his lover die before he could reach him. After those dreams he woke up screaming and crying for his lost love and the pain he was still feeling everytime he saw the images. It felt like parts of his heart and soul had been ripped out.
Because of this experiences he simply couldn´t stand by when this boy was feeling the same things he had been Merlin went slowly over to the bed of the boy. He sat on the matress and began stroking the boys back. It seemed to help a little because he stopped trashing so hard. But the tears were still streaming in a constant float down his cheeks and he was still half shouting half whispering incoherently words.
Some of them sounded like no..no.. please stop it... no... you are hurting him...has done nothing wrong...please... don´t kill...please... . The last words were spoken so pleadingly that Merlin couldn´t stand the other boys suffering any longer and began gently shaking him. `Hey. Wake up. Please. It´s ok. It was just a dream. Come on. Nobody is hurt. You are safe.´
With a start the boy woke up and propelled himself in a sitting position in the corner of his bed. He stared with wide eyes at Merlin and then scanned the room. Some lonely tears were still rolling down his left cheek and he looked so scared and lost and the agony and hurt in his eyes made Merlins heart ache.
It was too dark to make out the detailed features of the boy´s face. The knot around Merlins chest had loosened a little while he touched the boy but now it came back with might and nearly choked him. He tried to breath through the pain and to concentrate on the poor boy who was still caught in his dream.
`Sshhh it´s ok. It was just a dream. Your are safe. I´m Merlin. I´m your new roommate.´ The other boy looked at him closely for the first time. His eyes squinted to small slits when he inspected Merlins raven hair.
`It´s not about my safety. It´s about his. I couldn´t safe him. I never can.´At this point the tired speech changed into broken sobs and new tears appeared in these broken eyes. `He has to die every time because I am not fast enough to safe him. He gets hurt because of me.´
Merlin tried to comfort the crying boy while he contemplated what he had heard. He laid a hand on the arm of the boy who reacted immediatly by throwing himself into Merlins arms. It seemed to Merlin like the other one never had been comforted after a nightmare. So he gently rocked them both ignoring that the other one was a great deal more muscular and taller than him and stroked the shaking back of the boy.
`Do you want to talk about it? I had my share of nightmares too. Maybe talking helps´ Merlin offered. He had wished for someone he could tell his grief that long time ago. The other boy had calmed a little and loosened his grip from Merlin.
He held his head down and brushed his tears away. Outside was the deepest time of the night and they both couldn´t see a thing apart from silhouettes and the shining of each others eyes. Merlin felt a bond to the other boy and would like to help him.
`You would only think I´m crazy. Like all the others. But thanks for waking me. I hate it when they give me sleeping pills.´, the other boy said and turned back into his corner. Merlin was intrigued with the newbie and really wanted to cheer him up a little. He seemed too grown up for his young age. `I´ll tell you mine, if you tell me yours. Believe me in a contest of crazyness I would win. They say I´m a case they never heard of here.´
Grinning Merlin held his hand out for the pact. Newbie hesitantly raised his own hand as if considering if he really wanted to know with what a nut case he had to share a room and if it would be a wise decission to take the offered hand. But finally he agreed to share stories.
`Ok. I already started halfway anyway. And if I tell you now I won´t have as many problems not to tell the shrinks because I got it out of my system. It´s your own fault though if you wished you never heard afterwards. I´m here because of insomnia. I don´t sleep.
At least I try not to. The shrinks and my parents have no idea what´s the reason. They think something about a weird ritual or diet or sect or shit. But as you had the pleasure to witness first hand the reason why I don´t sleep is because everytime I close my eyes I see this boy dying.
The dreams started at the night of my 18th birthday.
At first I thought it were random people who die but after a while I saw it was the same boy ever and ever again. And I´m too late everytime. I just can´t save him. I must witness every night a new way how he dies. I know it´s my duty to save him.
I feel that it´s me who is the only one that can save him and everytime I disappoint him. I´m too late. I can´t fulfill my task. I don´t even know him. I haven´t even seen his face clearly. But it´s me who he is crying for to help him. And everytime I can´t save him I´m dying too.
Because I can feel his pain. His agony. His disappointment. It kills me to know the next night I close my eyes he´ll die again because I´m not good enough. Merlin I let him die.´ During his speech Merlin had made himself comfortable next to the boy.
Their hands found each other and the new boy held it in a death grip. He looked so small in this moment. And his words were hurting Merlin first because he felt so much empathy for the boy and second because his own memories how he could not save his king were ripped open again.
`But it´s just a dream. How do you know, it´s you who needs to save him? Maybe this dream has found the wrong man. You know dreams choose their bodies for the night. Maybe this one has been confused. What is happening in the dreams?´
The other boy shook his head but continued his story. `It´s not just one dream. Every night this boy dies in a different way. He has different clothes on. It seems like sometimes he dies centuries ago and sometimes it´s these days. It´s nearly like a memory.
But why should I have memories of a stranger. And I know it´s me who he is calling for. I feel a pull everytime I see his black hair and the blue eyes from afar. I was never close enough to touch him when he was alive. And the people are so cruel. He has to suffer and I can´t take it. I´m seconds away from a complete break down. Some times they hang him or behead him.
Other times he is burned at the stakes. They torture him to dead. They run him through with swords. They stab him. He gets poisoned by injection. He gets shot.
Most times there are people around but sometimes there is only one other person and then he gets stroked down by lightning or a white light. It looks like the light is coming from the other man. That´s the weirdest one.´
At this point Merlin had frozen beside the boy. He accurately had described nearly every time he himself got killed in his past lifetimes. But how could a boy from the 21st century know about him. He loosened his grip around the hand of the other boy and instantly missed the contact and the familiar warmth...
Wait. What? Familiar? Where did that one come from?
Meanwhile the other boy had shuffled closer so that they sat shoulder to shoulder now. Another question popped up into Merlins head. He needed assurance. `Had you had a different dream from that ones? And how can you be sure he meant you?´
He tried to sound casual but in his own ears he failed miserably. The other boy didn´t seem to mind for he was too lost in his own thoughts. `You don´t seem to believe I´m a total nutcase yet... I know he means me because in the first dream I had he called my name.
My name. There was a person lying on the ground and the boy was running to it. There was blood everywhere. He cried and bent over the person. Then another man spoke. He was lying next to them and was covered in blood himself. He was dying, too.
He said `You failed your destiny. The king is dead. And you will die with him. You know one can not live without the other. So you will die as your king died.´ With that the boy cried out my name and vanished into a ball of blinding light. He called my name and in every one of the following dreams I knew he still waited for me and I failed him again.´
The boy was hunched over and looked more fragile than ever before. Merlin was sure now. He was able to help him.
His breaths came more freely and he relaxed a little bit as he linked his fingers once more with the others. `I guess it´s my part then. I am here because they think I´m crazy. They think I search attention and for that I used my fantasy to think myself into another world.
I have memories of different lifes. More precisely my former lifes. I´m Merlin Emrys. The advisor of the once and future king of Albion. And it was my destiny to protect the prince an later king. I failed my task and so I am reborn until I will fulfill it. I know it sounds creepy. But I also know all of my former lifes and I am so often reborn because I could not find him yet to help him fulfill our entwined fates.
I had some troubles on my way. And I think I am able to tell you more about your dreams.´ Merlin was shaking slightly because he was about to break his own promise not to tell someone about his magic ever again so soon after making it.
But it was worth it. He knew it was different this time. He found his solution. The boy looked at him like he wanted to bolt out of the room the next second but after awhile he was assured that Merlin wouldn´t laugh like a maniac the next minute and he was interested in what this strange boy had to say about his dreams.
So he stayed and nodded at the other one to continue.
`Your dreams are not such things. They are memories. My memories to be exact. You are dreaming about all the times the people found me guilty for practising sorcery and I was sentenced to dead. And I cried not because I was waiting for someone to rescue me but because I was not able to fulfill my destiny yet again. Because I hadn´t have the chance to find my king.
Because this way again I couldn´t save you Arthur.´ His voice cracked at the last word and Merlin turned around to watch the expression of his former lover. `The first dream you had was about the day you died. You were the person on the ground and Mordred, the other man, had killed you because I wasn´t there in time.
I cried for my lost king, my lost friend, my lost love.´ At this point were tears running down Merlins face. He couldn´t face the other boy out of fear he would think him a lunatic, a lyer. He wouldn´t be able to survive a rejection now that he had finally found him.
A hand slowly traveled up his arm until trembling fingers touched his chin and turned his head in Arthur´s direction. Dawn was breaking through the clouds and alightend the blonde hair and the beloved features.
How could Merlin have missed this the whole night. He should have been suspicious when the steel band around his chest became bearable.
Arthur gazed at him intensely with his incredible blue eyes.
`In all this dreams you died for me? Merlin you stupid idiot. I told you to keep better care of your secret. Maybe you would have found me sooner if you wouldn´t let yourself die so soon in every life. How ineffective of you. Do I have to find you myself the next time?´
Arthur wore his relaxed half grin and looked through and through the king he was. Merlin didn´t believe what he saw.
`You remember? Really? Everything? When is my birthday?´
`Merlin. I never knew your birthday. Morgana had to remember me all the time. And yes I do remember. I´m glad you never gave up searching for me.´ During the last whispered words Arthur´s features grew soft.
The younger boy smacked Arthur in the head for his first comment but his expression cleared after he saw the sincerity shining in Arthurs eyes. He leaned in and kissed the other boy softly on the lips.`I´m glad I finally found you.´
After a while of just enjoying the others company Arthur asked finally not able to hold it in longer `How do we get out of here now? How did you even manage to get yourself in here? I mean you are a sorcerer after all. Did you fall over your own feet and stumbled into this?´
The end
Hope you enjoyed it. It´s my first Merlin fanfic so please tell me what you think :)) now with a few edits.