Without a doubt.

Michelle sat at her kitchen table with her head in her hands, her green eyes deeply bloodshot and brown hair thick with grease. She was only 32 but looked like she had aged and suffered beyond her years. Her stained pink nightie hung loosely over her now skeletal figure showing openly the fresh cuts and deep scars along her arms. The little round table that sat in the centre of the kitchen on top of the sticky black and white lino was covered in bills. The council flat in Hackney looked like squatters had been living init. Dirty plates piled up in the sink, food moulding in the fridge. But Michelle didn't care, didn't notice. Her life was standstill, she had stopped living. She pulled the full ashtray towards her and shakily lit another cigarette.

A 12 year old young boy stood in the doorway of the kitchen and watched what was left of his mum, he wore a scruffy black uniform and held an old black Nike bag where the Nike tick was barely visible anymore, he had scruffy dark brown hair and had been born with a condition called Hetrochromeintridum, which meant he had two different eye colours, one blue and one green. He didn't bother going to school anymore he only wore the uniform so his mum wouldn't ask questions. Not that she noticed or paid any attention to him, not since Carl. He walked over to the table and put his bag on it making Michelle flinch.

'Hi Mum' She didn't even look up just carried on smoking her cigarette, he went over to the fridge, Nothing.

'Would you like me to go the shop, there's no food'

Michelle slowly turned to her 12 year old son and just looked at him expressionless. 'Why are you in your school uniform its Sunday' she asked in barely audible whisper

'No mum it's Thursday' he swallowed.

She smirked, stubbed the end of her cigarette in the ashtray went over to the cupboard under the sink and pulled out a nearly full bottle of vodka. She dragged her feet and mumbled she was going to bed.

12 year old Paul Turner didn't see his mum after that.

The morning after he went to check on her, the room was dark and smelt he went over to her bed. She was lying on her front and seemed asleep. She was cold and wouldn't wake up. He shock her gently.

Mum…Mum please wake up …. Mum? Mummy?

A lump built up in his throat, he rolled her over, she was covered in sick. Paul got a cloth and wiped her face and pillow the best he could. He picked up the now empty bottle of cheap vodka and put it on the sticky bedside along with the empty packets of painkillers and various other medications. He moved the hair from her face.

'You'll wake up soon and I'll make us breakfast' he whispered tears rolling down his cheeks

12 year old Paul turner sat in that dark room with his mum for 3 days. She never woke up.

He didn't want to leave her but he knew deep down he needed help. So what did that mean next? What would happen to him? His mum? The stench in the room became unbearable, he couldn't breathe anymore eventually he slowly got up looked at his mum. 'I'll be back soon'. His little legs could just about carry him. He was weak hungry and pale. The light in the kitchen hurt his eyes, and then he heard someone banging on the door making him jump. He knew it was either debt collector's police or social services. No one else cared. He sat in the Kitchen cuddling his legs 'Go away' he mumbled. Whoever it was they would be back and they would take his mum away and take him away or worse send him to his Dads. This is exactly what social services did.

Two weeks just two weeks I spent with my Dad, until I moved to Brentwood Essex to live with my nan. She looked after me, didn't hurt me and cupboards were always full. I liked her house the way it smelt, the way it looked. I hadn't seen my Nan since I was a baby but she didn't feel like a stranger and she didn't treat me like one. I felt for once like I was home. She had a kind face, big green eyes just like Mum and Carl and a cloud of white blonde hair. She had life in her eyes though unlike mum. I hardly spoke to her the first few weeks, I just couldn't. It rained outside for what seemed like forever, lightning flashed and thunder roared outside my window. I pretended I wasn't scared. I just hid under my new navy clean bed covers with my flashlight and pretended. Pretended my brother was still around, pretended my mum and dad loved me. Just pretended.

It was Sunday when it stopped raining, I felt the sun reach through my windows to say morning, that's when my Nan called me to come downstairs. I thought I was in trouble that's the only reason I ever got called. I sleepily walked down in my pyjama bottoms she had brought me.

'Good morning sleepyhead' she stood at the bottom of the stairs with a big grin on her face. I rubbed my eyes and just stared at her.

'Now that it's stopped raining there's something I need to show you in the back garden'

I didn't respond so she just sighed and walked through to the kitchen and stood at the back door. I stayed at the stairs and just watched her from where I stood.

'Come on slow poke' she called

I hesitated at first then walked over

'Put these on its still wet outside I don't want you getting a chill'

I frowned when she pointed to a pair of red wellingtons and handed me a brown knitted cardi she had on. I did not want to put them on, but I did as I was told. I sat on the kitchen floor and pulled the wellies on which were slightly snug. I knew I looked like a dick as soon as stood up and the smile forming on my nans face didn't help. She unlocked the backdoor and I reluctantly followed her. It was bright outside and I had to blink a few times. The garden was huge; we'd never had one living in the flat. The grass was over grown and the concrete patio had cracks with weeds growing out of it. The fence that framed the garden had gnomes sitting underneath. Gnomes were a big theme in this place. Me and my brother stole a bunch of gnomes from a garden once, took all their heads off and put them back. The look on the man's face the next day was priceless. I smiled thinking about it then caught her watching me so I stopped.

'The back garden was always your granddads thing, I didn't want to touch it when he…'

She couldn't seem to say the word died. So I just shrugged in response. She put her arms on my shoulders I flinched at her touch, but she didn't notice just turned my body in the direction of a large oak tree standing at the very back of the garden with a wooden tree house sitting init. It was by far the coolest thing I'd ever seen. I'd never had anything like it. Me and my brother always wanted something like it, but the closest we had got was an old shed full of used condoms and dirty needles We stopped going there when a tramp started sleeping init.

But this was so cool. I stared up at my Nan, I knew she could read my thoughts.

'Cool huh, your granddad built this for you and your brother but you never got to see it, your granddad loved you both very much'

I wanted a closer look. I took one step towards it, and then looked at her. 'Can I go see?' I asked hopeful

'Oh baby course you can. It's yours' she sounded relieved

I ran up to it as fast as I could and climbed the rope ladder. It had two little windows and a little door that I had to crouch down to fit through it had a sign saying 'Carl and Pauls hideout'. The wood was still damp and had that wet smell from the rain but I didn't care. This place was mine and I knew my brother would of loved it. I sat on the edge legs dangling; I could see my nan watching me from the kitchen window while she washed the dishes. I desperately wanted a cigarette but I hadn't seen her smoke yet, so no way of getting one I wasn't about to ask her. I gave her a small wave. My stomach growled and right on cue as if she read my thoughts again she stepped out the backdoor and called me to say lunch was ready

Future.

There she was standing in the starbucks queue two people in front of me waiting no doubt for a caramel Frappuccino with cream and a giant cookie. Everything stopped when I noticed her, my whole body was on fire, heart pounding. Part of me wanted to run the other half willing her to turn around and see me. This could go either way. I could be smooth and act like where just old friends or I completely fuck it up like I did everything. It was her turn to order.

'Tall Caramel Frappuccino please'

'Cream?' the lad behind the counter asked

'No thank you'

'Anything else? '

She shook her head.

'Name?'

'Cara'

My heart dropped a little, her order had changed, why that hurt I have no idea on some stupid level make me feel like I didn't know her anymore but then I suppose I don't.

'£3.45 please madam' She fished around her purse and stepped to one side. I tilted my head around the person in front of me who really needed to lay off the starbucks. She was frowning rummaging around in her handbag. She turned back to the counter and gave an apologetic smile 'sorry my cards here somewhere'. I heard the big fella in front tut which annoyed the hell out of me. This was my chance. I walked up to the counter and gave the young lad my debit card.

'Here I'll get this and a latte with cream please mate'

By this point she had her back to me crouched on the floor emptying her bag. She had frozen. My heart stopped. Slowly she stood up and faced me, I just kept thinking 'oh god oh god'. She was more beautiful than I remembered. Her golden hair fell just over her face she looked flustered. Those brown eyes stared right through me burning. Lips parted. Everything seemed silent I could just hear us breathing. She didn't say anything just stared. Shocked no doubt it had been about 2 years after all. I swallowed hard not blinking locked on to her face.

'erm sir I need your pin please'

I ignored him. We both did.

'Hi Cara' I finally said under my breath

'Hi Paul'

Present

My head is pounding, God only knows what I put in my system last night but whatever it was it was good. I have a faint memory of the lads doing a bit of Charlie in the back room more than likely I would have joined them. I slowly sat up daring myself to open my eyes; I went to reach for my water that I always left on my bedside. Then I realised and half remembered I wasn't in my room. Did I dare look at what/who I'd done last night? I looked out of the corner of my eye not that I could see much, she was brunette looked alright I suppose and my boy downstairs seemed happy. I should sneak off though while she's still asleep, I couldn't even remember her name and that would not go down well in the morning. Last weekend I got hold of some girl and my god was she a headache in the morning 'when am I seeing you again' blah blah blah. As much as I wanted to grab my stuff and let the sleeping.. kirsty?.. Kate?.. K something carry on snoring, my body was telling me to sleep and what my body wants my body gets. I crashed as soon as I hit the pillow again. When I woke up it was light outside. I put my arm out to see if 'K' was still next to me. She wasn't. Great. Her double bed was right against the wall which meant she would have had to of climbed over me to get of bed I must of really been out for the count. I sat on the edge of the bed and picked up my boxers and jeans from her sickly pink carpet. I couldn't see my white t-shirt anywhere. Then the girl walked in wearing it, she handed me a cup of coffee and sat on the bed next to me.

'Morning gorgeous' she said grinning making her lip piercing poke out more.

'Morning…you' I said giving her a small nod. Still trying to remember her name.

'So last night was fun, how about we do it again sometime?' She put her chin on my shoulder looking up at me. 'Maybe tonight' she added hopeful giving me puppy dog eyes

I stood up creating a little space between us. She eyed me up and down and took a deep breath. 'I could eat you with a spoon' she drawled. This comment made me slightly uncomfortable so I grabbed my Nike trainers and slipped them on. She came over and pulled my arm towards her going over my ink with her finger 'I love your sleeve of tattoos as well, the angel the demon with the cigarette it's so detailed so sexy… who's carl ? ' I snatched my am back. 'No one'. I raised my eyebrows and held my hand out. 'I need my t-shirt back please.'

She pouted and slowly pulled it over her head seductively so she was just standing there in a thong. My eyes went down her body and I began to feel a slight twinge in my jeans. I looked at my Rolex then her. I had time to spare.

'Kate?'

She nodded looking a little hurt. I walked over to her and stroked her cheek.

'Why wait till tonight' I mumbled beginning to kiss her neck I felt her body fall into mine as she giggled.

What's a man to do when there's a girl standing in nothing but her thong.

After I'd finished I got straight up just before I reached the bedroom door she asked me about tonight again. I shook my head 'I have football Sunday morning but I'll call you' Then I got out of there as quickly as I could with no intention of calling. I never did.

I stepped outside realising I didn't have a clue where I was, and then I saw my white Audi s3 just on the other side of the road.

'oh crap I must drove here fucking lucky I didn't get stopped' I patted my jeans for my keys which were luckily in my back pocket I did not want to have to go back to that girls house. I walked round my baby first checking I hadn't scratched her satisfied I got in and turned my Tom Tom on, I was only about 15 minutes away from home. I parked up; Nan was in the front gardening.

'Morning nan' she looked up at me from under her sun hat.

'Afternoon' she stated smirking

I looked at my watch 'holy shit it was 3pm.

I gave her my boyish smile and shrugged. She stood up and pulled off her gardening gloves and brushed down her linen trousers, she patted my cheek. 'Anyone you'll be bringing home to meet me?' I rolled my eyes. She started walking up the path towards our blue front door.

'I want to meet my great grandchildren ya know' she laughed walking through it 'Hungry?'

'Starved' I said hurrying in after her.

Nan was in the kitchen making stew. I sat on our floral sofas kicked my trainers off and stuck the football on. Out the corner of my eye I saw a box sitting on the wooden dining table. Out of curiosity I got up and wondered over to have a nose. It was full of pictures. I picked up a bunch. They were mostly of Nan and granddad. Then I came across a couple I didn't want to see. My mum holding me when I had just been born. Dad looking down at me like he was proud and Carl he must have been 3 in this picture. A lump formed in my throat. I'd never seen this actually never seen any pictures from that time, probably best that way. I put them back in the box, I didn't want nan to see me looking at them in case she started talking or bringing up the stuff from my past. Its best left in the back of my head.

I met Luke in the gym around 7. I wasn't really in the mood to work out and I was still kind of feeling it from the night before but it had to be done and suppose it's good way to sweat the drugs outs. I ran for about 45 minutes then did some weights with Luke but it was hard to concentrate with him yapping on about his new bird Lucy. It's all he talks about now. I had officially begun to lose my best mate to a women. Matt joined us for a bit before I left. 'See you boys at football tomorrow' I said as I got up to leave. 'Alright mates see ya' Luke answered and matt just groaned as he struggled lifting

Next morning we were warming up on the field and Luke starts off again.

'Lucy just has this smile and the sex is amazing…'

'Ah I'm sick of that name' I put my hands over my ears 'Lucy this Lucy that, Luke enough!'

Luke was jogging on the spot shaking his hands 'I don't talk about her that much do I?' he frowned

'Are we talking about Lucy again?' Matt asked jogging over to us.

I nodded taking my hands away from my ears. Luke wasn't amused.

'Oh so what! Just be happy for me will you just cause you're alright shagging everything that moves and hands off for me will ya she coming with her mate to watch us play'

I feigned a shocked face. 'As if I would'

Matt and Luke exchanged glances

'Is she a female togger?' matt asked Luke in a mocking tone

Luke gave an exaggerated nod and then they both looked at me with wide eyes.

I laughed 'hey don't hate the player hate the game' I said holding my hands up.

'Well right now we have a football game' matt stated

I didn't notice the girls turn up I was to enwrapped with the game, the team we were playing were playing dirty and I could see a fight kicking off soon, then before I knew it Luke was on the floor holding his ankle, dickhead had tackled him and pretty much pushed him to floor even I saw this from the other end of the pitch but course the ref was completely oblivious, and just gave the team a yellow card and Luke went and hobbled over to the side. That's when I saw them, he sat down and straight away a red head was all over him. Lucy. But it was her friend that caught my eye. Note to self, kick Luke in the other leg for not telling me about Lucy's hot blonde friend and get it on with Lucy's hot blonde friend tonight. Sorted.

Shortly after the whistle blew for half time. We were losing 5-3. I went over to Luke and the two girls.

'How ya feeling Toggs' I asked squirting a bottle of water in my mouth, then wiping the sweat off my forehead.

'I'll live' he grinned showing the gap between his top front teeth. Lucy was sitting on his lap playing with his highlighted brown hair.

'So you must be the famous Lucy' I smiled still trying to catch my breath. She was pretty definitely Toggers type bright red hair green eyes slim had a vintage style if that's the right term to use.

'be awkward if I wasn't' she laughed getting up and giving me a light kiss on the cheek. 'mmm salty' she smirked wiping her mouth.

'Sorry I said wiping my face on the sleeve of my blue and yellow football kit. I am sweating a bit.'

I looked over at her friend who was awfully quiet and nodded. 'Alright?'

She just nodded back looking bored.

'Paul this is Cara my friend. I dragged her here this morning she's not to happy'

'oh really, well who would be happy standing in the freezing cold at 9am watching a bunch of sweaty boys playing football' Cara then smiled at me. Perfect set of white teeth, little dimples and a little mole just by the right side of her mouth. She was HOT. Tight jeans, tight jumper, blonde, brown eyed girl. Ooouushh. as the boys would say REEM. Yes I live in Essex my boys are Essex but I'm a hackney boy at heart. So reem is not in my vocabulary. But you need to understand how attractive this girl was. If I could I would have bent her over there and then.

The sun began coming out by the 2nd half, Toggers was back on the pitch. He looked back at me and made a drink motion with his hand and mouthed beer. I nodded towards the girls and he grinned stupidly. The other team scored. They won we lost woop to do. PUB. It's technically too early for drinking but as drake would say. YOLO. Plus once wed showered got sorted, got to pub had lunch it would be midday anyway and yes I realise I'm only trying to convince myself its ok.

We headed back towards the girls, I nudged Luke in the ribs.

'OW what was that for?!' he moaned rubbing his side.

'That's for leaving out the part about your bird's amazingly hot friend!'

'Please don't mate' His tone made me turn round and I saw his face he was being serious.

'what?' I said frowning

'Don't go there please Paul she's Lucy's best friend'

I put my arm round him 'even better then' I grinned. He didn't smile back

'Paul you can have any girl in Essex and elsewhere, You'll mess up and I really like Lucy if you get with Cara you'll mug her off like every girl and I'll be in between it, so please just with this one keep it in you trousers'

I was admittedly kind of shocked. I looked over at Cara and Lucy then at the seriousness in my friends face. I put my hands up in surrender. 'Alright I won't go there, but I'm not happy about it ! I whined.

Luke just patted my back 'thanks mate'

'just mosey on over its fine take ya time' Lucy grinned when we finally reached them.

'Shh you' Luke said kissing her

'Fancy a pub lunch girls?' I asked

Cara looked at me gratefully. 'YES I am starved, is it too early for a drink?'

I shook my head the same time Lucy said yes, making us all laugh.

'Don't be a spoil sport' Cara pouted at Lucy. 'Shall we meet you there in say 45mins?'

I nodded sounds good 'jacks?'

'Jacks it is' she smiled 'right come on lucy we'll see them soon'. She said grabbing lucys arm and dragging her off towards her car.

Me and Luke went back to mine to shower and change, I actually felt a bit nervous, I put on my jeans and black t-shirt. I put some gel through my slightly wet hair and was good to go, unlike Luke standing there in the mirror faffing with his hair for god knows how long.

'If I didn't know you so well mate I would think you was gay'

He gave me a dirty look in the mirror 'there's nothing wrong with taking care of yourself'

I just rolled my eyes and grabbed my keys off the side. 'Come on pretty boy can't leave the girls waiting'

I ruffled his hair, ran downstairs and jumped the last step while Luke ran after me 'PAUL' he yelled 'you're not funny'. Nan came through drying her hands laughing 'were you boys off to?'

I went over to her and kissed her on the cheek 'just the pub for lunch Nan'

Luke did the same 'Hi Jean'

'Hi sweetie, you boys have fun don't get into any trouble and Luke sort out your hair'

I laughed pushing Luke out the door 'Call me if you need me nan'

We walked into out our local pub Jacks short for Jack and Jill. Cara and Lucy were already sitting on a table outside as it was getting warmer outside, Cara spotted us first, she turned, her blonde wavy hair shining in the sun and gave a little wave, I nodded nudging Luke and walked over taking my ray-bans off and hooking them on my t-shirt. I felt something shoot through me when she smiled, 'Damn Luke and his Friendship I could be banging this girl by tonight'. Luke sat down next to Lucy.

'Drink anyone?' I asked

'pint please mate' Luke answered

'Lucy?'

'Archers and lemonade please' she smiled

I nodded then looked at Cara, 'I'm good thanks' she said lifting up a half full glass of what looked like orange juice 'I'll come with you though I'm going to order food'. She stood up and I couldn't help but stare at the curves on her, I hate Luke.

We walked over to the bar. The blonde serving came straight over to us ignoring the other punters.

'Hey Paul' she grinned

I gave her a cheeky smile, 'you alright babe' could not remember her name.

'What can I get you gorgeous' I gave her our drink orders then looked at Cara.

She gave Cara a fake smile 'what can I get you honey'

I saw Cara roll her eyes while looking at the menu 'burger and chips and nachos please…honey'

I couldn't help but smirk 'you know what that sounds good make that two please'

The girl put it through 'drinks are on the house, just make sure you call me sometime' she winked.

I nodded and winked back 'thanks babe'.

Cara picked up Lucy's drink laughing. 'Did you know her?' she asked walking back to the table.

I shrugged 'not that I can remember' making her laugh harder.

'What's so funny?' Lucy asked as Cara handed her drink over.

'Mr Hotshot here just got free drinks from the blonde' she grinned looking at me.

I sat down next to Cara, Luke looked at me 'What line did you use this time?'

'Didn't have to' I answered taking a sip of my pint

'Yeah yeah your such a charmer, it's the eyes, you've got pretty eyes ' Luke went to pick up his pint but I took it before he could get it, Lucy tilted her head and looked at him. 'You never tell me I have pretty eyes' she said seriously. Luke started stuttering.

'Yeah maybe I should get you a white wine spritzer you women, oh Paul you've got such pretty eyes' I mimicked

Lucy started laughing. 'shut up Paul and give me my pint back'

Then I noticed Lucy studying my face. 'Paul have you got two different coloured eyes?'

I looked down feeling embarrassed 'yeah' I mumbled

'How did that happen?' she asked

I could feel Cara's gaze 'its called hetrochromeatrium condition, just born with it.' She answered for me, 'Is that right?' I nodded and gave her a grateful smile.

'That's really cool' Lucy grinned staring at me.

I hate people staring at me especially into my eyes just makes me feel really uncomfortable I can never keep eye contact, and I do not get the fascination with my eyes, one's blue ones green there's nothing special about them but everyone is always going on about them.

Our food came shortly after, Luke stole my nacho's and Cara had actually got hers for Lucy.

'So what do you do for a living?' Cara asked me

'Bit of this bit of that' I answered

'So in other words unemployed?'

I smirked 'alright what do you do?'

'I'm a physiotherapist 'she said simply

'Oh that's actually quite impressive'

She rolled her eyes

'You're a hairdresser aren't you Lucy?' I asked

'Yeah how did you know' she asked confused

'Toggers told me' I laughed seeing her face 'don't worry I'm not stalking you'

'Why do you call Luke Toggers?' Cara asked cutting in.

'His last name is toegart'

I saw Luke shut his eyes, while Cara tried not to laugh. 'Oh' was all she good manage

'Yeah yeah I know it's fine laugh' Luke sighed.

Cara just put her head down giggling hiding her face while Lucy looked up trying to hold back her smile, then kissed his cheek 'it's not that bad baby'

'I'm a plumber by the way, if anyone cares what I do' Luke said trying to change the subject back

'No-one cares mate' I winked.

Before we knew it was 5pm we had been talking for hours.

'Right guys sorry to be a party pooper but I've got to get home' Cara said standing up 'Lucy you coming with me or staying with Luke?'

Lucy looked at Luke.

'Yeah stay at mine tonight' he said kissing her, 'you alright driving us back to mine Paul?'

'Yeah I'm good to drive, want to go now?' I asked

Luke nodded and we stood up and walked out together.

'What car is yours?' Lucy asked

I pointed to my Audi the turned to Cara, 'was nice to meet you sure I'll see you around soon' I said fiddling with my keys.

She nodded and kissed me on the cheek 'yeah definitely, nice car by the way for a bit of this bit of that'

I just laughed; she kissed Luke on the cheek and hugged Lucy. 'Text me tomorrow bye guys' she held my gaze for a while then walked over to her car.

I drove Luke home with Lucy. I wasn't quite ready to go home so I picked up my phone and went through my contact list. Sarah will do, I rang her and went round. Sorted.

I didn't stay the night at hers just got what I needed then left. It was about 12:30 when I got in; Nan was already in bed so I quietly went up. It was about 4am when I woke up sweating, weird dreams, couldn't get back to sleep after that. This usually happened when I didn't have a joint in a while, smoking stopped me dreaming. I got up and went downstairs; I could hear the T.V on.

'Nan what you doing up?' I asked her seeing her sitting on the Sofa.

'Ah too many aches and pains in my old age, couldn't sleep' she patted the sofa next to her signalling me to sit down. I sat next to her and leant my head on her shoulder. I was and always will be nana's boy. The women saved me.

'What you watching?' I said staring at the T.V.

'Oh something about something' she laughed

'You're losing your memory in your old age as well'

'Oi cheeky' she softly slapped me round the head.

I sighed

'What's up dear, why can't you sleep?'

'Weird dreams' I mumbled

She didn't say anything, she knew what I was thinking

'About when you was younger' she whispered stroking my hair

I didn't say anything.

'You tell them monsters to go away, haunt someone else or forever pay, Memories are good, memories are bad but dreams are for smiles not to…..'

'Make you sad'. I Finished the rhyme 'Nan I'm 23 not 12 anymore.

She got up stretching 'I know but your still my boy' She kissed my forehead' goodnight'

I watched her struggle up the stairs; it's hard to think of her getting older. I flicked through the telly and must of fallen asleep on the sofa cause I woke up to nan gently waking me and putting a cup of coffee on the table in front of me.