A/N: I was giving a play-by-play version of Twilight to one of my friends and this is how it turned out. FLAMES ARE WELCOME AND ENJOYED! :]
ON A PLANE!
(Bella is leaving Phoenix)
Bella- Oh my god. This place sucks. My life sucks.
(Gets off plane to find rainy Forks)
Bella- No freaking' way. Rain? My life sucks even more. Ima go cut myself now, thanks.
Charlie- Um, Want your FREE car?
Bella- FREE? Yeah. I'll get my car then I will go plan my suicide.
Charlie- Squee!
(Charlie points to car)
Bella- …What the hell? I get this jacked-up piece of crap as a car? Gee, thanks, Charlie. Way to go.
Charlie- *cries*
Bella- Ugh. I'm going to go to my room and cry for the rest of the night. 'KTHNXBYE.
NEXT MORNING!
Bella- *teary eyed* Alright, lets go to school. Ugh. I hate school. I hate Forks. Ew, it's raining. I guess that means I can't wear my regular shorty-shorts and tank tops. OH WELL.*sigh*
AT SCHOOL!
Bella- La-ti-da! School is so boring!
Ben- Hey babe!
Mike- OMG NEW GURL. *bats eyelashes* Heyyy, Isabella.
Tyler- What's up, Sexayyy?
Angela- Mmm! Bella! Bab-… Wait, oops. I'm straight.
Justin- *Smacks lips* Isabel!
Bella- No one likes me! Boo-hoo!
Cullen's- *all stare intently at Bella*.
Bella- Um. Creepy, much?
Jessica- Oh yeah. They are all (insert amazing things here). And Edward is a DOUCHE.
Bella- Oh. 'Kay. But, he is so hot.
BIOLOGY!
Bella- I'm so smart. I've already taken this class. Oh well. *sits by Edward, AKA: "Emo Eddie"*
Emo Eddie- *growls and rips apart the desk*
Bella- Um, Dude. How about you DON'T ruin the desk?
Emo Eddie- I want to eat you…
Bella- What?
Emo Eddie- What?
Bella- What did you just say?
Emo Eddie- Oh. *Shrugs* I want to eat you.
Bella- Oh my god. That is strangely sensual. I want to eat you too.
Emo Eddie- No, Really. I want to eat you. Like, rip out your throat. Drink your blood. That sorta thing.
Bella- Mmm. Sexyy. *winks* You cant drink my blood anytime.
Emo Eddie- *Perks up* Really?
Bella- Hell yes!
Emo Eddie- *Glances around the room full of students* Alrightyyy, then. *sinks his teeth into Bella's neck*
Bella- *dies*
THE END.
Not really. That's how I want it to happen. Back to the story…
Bella- What did you just say?
Emo Eddie- Oh. *Shrugs* I want to eat you.
Bella- Oh my god. That is strangely sensual. I want to eat you too.
Emo Eddie- No, Really. I want to eat you. Like, rip out your throat. Drink your blood. That sorta thing.
Bella- Mmm. Sexyy. *winks* You cant drink my blood anytime.
Emo Eddie- I can't. I love you.
Bella- Er. Oh…kay? Really?
Emo Eddie- Um….No?
PARKING LOT!
Bella- *sobs* Edward doesn't love me!
Emo Eddie- *Stares at Bella* Mm… Tasty snack…
(Tyler's car skids across the icy road, aims directly for Bella)
Bella- Oh noes!
Emo Eddie- Shit! I don't want to waste such a tasty snack!
(Emo Eddie runs over Bella and stops the car)
Bella- The hell?
Emo Eddie- Er. *waves hands around* I'm just a figment of your imaginationnnn…
Bella- *looks at car* Uh. You just stopped a car at full speed. Any explanation?
Emo Eddie- Oh, well, I'm a vampire.
Bella- HAHAHA. Wow, No, seriously.
Emo Eddie- …Never mind. It was an adrenaline rush. Google that shit.
LUNCH!
Emo Eddie- Hey Bella.
Bella- Yeah, Edward?
Emo Eddie- I'm a vampire.
Bella- HA. Oh-kay, then. *wink wink*
Emo Eddie- FINE! How do YOU explain my super strength, speed, mind reading, blood-sucking powers?
Bella- Easy. Radioactive spiders, kryptonite… that sort of thing.
Emo Eddie- *growls* Dammit! No!
Bella- …Jesus. Could you calm down? Ugh. Oh. By the way, wanna go to La Push with me and hang out with some werewolves?
Emo Eddie- Nty.
Bella- What?
Emo Eddie…No thank you. *rolls eyes*
LA PUSH!
Jacob- Hey, Bella! Guess what? I'm going to be a werewolf soon!
Bella- Sweet! So, uh. Curious, Do you know anything about Edward Cullen?
Jacob- Oh, he is a vampire.
Bella- WOAH, REALLY? I wish someone told me sooner before I fell in love with him!
PORT ANGELES!
(Blah blah, Bella is shopping with Jessica and Angela until she decides to go off on her own.)
Bella- La la! Let's go into this dark and scary alley!
Rapist #1- Hey look, dudes. A chick.
Rapist #2- Sweet! Let's go rape her!
Rapist #3- YUMMY!
(Rapists all grab Bella)
Bella- Shit!
Emo Eddie- *appears from no where* Get in the car.
Bella- The hell? You think you can just come in here and tell me to get in the car? Who do you think you ar-…
Emo Eddie- *throws Bella into Volvo*
(They eat dinner.)
Bella- Hey, I know you are a vampire.
Emo Eddie- FINALLY! God, I mean, how slow can you be?!
Bella- Why didn't you ever tell me?
Emo Eddie- *facepalm*
MEDOW! (OMG, this is the place Stephenie Meyer had wet dreams about!)
Emo Eddie- *dances in the sunlight* I sparkleeee!
Bella- You… Sparkle? Superman flies, Spiderman shoots webs, and you… sparkle? Are you kidding me?
Emo Eddie- Isn't it… scary? OoOoOoOo!
Bella- No.
Emo Eddie- Not even a little?
Bella- Nope.
Emo Eddie- Not even a teeny, tiny, itsy-bitsy bit?
Bella- Mmm. *ponders* Nope, Not the least.
Emo Eddie- Damn. That's all I had to scare you.
Bella- You aren't scary.
Emo- "And so the lion fell in love with the lamb."
Bella- *looks around* Where?
Emo Eddie- You know…? I'm the lion…? You're the lamb?
Bella- No. I'm a human. You're a vampire…?
Emo Eddie- Its supposed to be metaphorical.
Bella- Oh. Err. I see…?
SEX~!
Bella- OMG, I love you. Let's do it.
Emo Eddie- I can't.
Bella- WTF?
Emo Eddie- Impotent. That kind of thing.
Bella- You…you're shitting me, right?
Emo Eddie- No.
Bella- Wow. I mean…just wow. *gets slapped in the face with FAIL*
LULZ PARENT TIME!
Bella- omgz. No bed? Oh….right.
Esme- So, I love you, Bella! You're awesome! Maybe now Emo will get lai-…
Alice- NO, I LOVE BELLA MORE.
Esme- Whaaaa? NO, NU-UH. YOU DID NOT JUST DO THAT.
Alice- *snaps in 'Z' formation*
Esme- Oh, Its ON. *Attacks Alice*
Bella- What the hell have I gotten into…?
BASEBALL FTW!
Bella- *watches Esme and Alice still fighting*
Alice- *stops* Oh shit, those fucktards are back.
Laurent- Heyyy loversss! So, I got a new Gucci purse and O-M-G it is sooo cute.
Victoria- *kisses James feet* Ily, baby.
James- Yeah, yeah. You told me.
Carlisle- Hey, um. No human here!
Laurent- You didn't mention if you liked my purse. *sobs tearless sobs*
Rosalie- Its ah-dorable. Now, see that girl with the brown hair? Yeah, eat her please.
James- Kay! I lurve snacks! :D
Emo Eddie- *growl*
James- Oh snap! Now this game is fun!
Rosalie- DAMNIT, EAT HER.
Emo Eddie- *flees with Bella-
OH NO. BACK HOME!
Alice- *sticks tongue out at Esme* I GET HER. I LOVE HER MORE.
Esme- *growls* This proves nothing.
Alice- It proves everything. YOU FAIL. *runs off with Bella and Jasper*
HOTEL IN GOD KNOWS WHERE!
Jasper- *licks lips* Mm. Bella. My favorite.
Bella- Oh! You're not impotent as well are you?
Jasper- Uh, What?
Bella- You know… Impotent…?
Jasper- I'm… married.
Bella- WTF WHY DOES EVERYONE MAKE NOISES LIKE THEY WANT TO EAT ME WHEN THEY DON'T WANT ME? *cries*
Alice- Oh snap! Bella, your getting screwed in a ballet studio!
Bella- FER REAL? By who?
Alice- James…!
Bella- So, he's not impotent I guess.
Alice- …Not what I meant by screwed. You're going to get killed.
Bella- Oh. Okay then.
Alice- Don't worry, I also won't try to keep an eye on you so you are free to sneak out to your death. Here's the address. *writes it down*
Bella- Oh gee! Thanks! *runs off *
BALLET STUDIO!
James- Lulz. Tasty snack.
Bella- Alright, come and get me. *Blacks out during the only part this series might have gotten some cool action, AKA the only fight scene.*
HOSPITAL!
Bella- WTH. Why am I here?!
Emo Eddie- I saved you, making me a monster.
Bella- …you saved me…?
Emo Eddie- Yes. I'm such a monster Bella. So, I'm going to leave you.
Bella- Score! You wont be here!? YES!
Emo Eddie- Alright, since you insisted, I will stay in Forks with you.
Bella- …I. Hate. You.
Emo Eddie- *hugs* I love you too, Bella. I promise never to leave you. (OMG HE LEAVES HER. NO SHIT.)
PROM
Bella- …OMG maybe we are going to do it. Why else would we get so dressed up? Especially on the day of Prom. No way Prom is what we are doing. We are going to do it. OMGOMG. Good thing I waxed.
Emo Eddie- Alright! We're here!
Bella- Did you bring protection?
Emo Eddie- What? Silly, Bella. We are going to PROM! No protection needed here.
Bella- Have I mentioned lately I hate you?
(Yeah. xD)