Astral Wrighter: Hello readers and welcome to Saiyuki Theatre radio. This is where you're favorite Saiyuki characters will willing put on plays of your favorite fables and childhood fairytales. Now I hope you will sit back and enjoy our cute little retelling of Cinderella….
Sanzo: What the Hell is going on Hakkai?
Hakkai: Well, uh, you see we're, um, going to play Cinderella.
Gojyo: Shit, why the fuck are we doing that?
Hakkai: It's for the Fan service. Now everyone get in your places.
Goku: Wait! How do we know who we're playing?!
Hakkai: *chuckle* You'll see… Ahem.
Now once upon a time there lived a lively young blonde names Sanzorella—
Sanzo: Hell no! Why am I the princess?
Gojyo: Coz you're the prettiest.
Sanzo: *cock the harmer of the gun* I'm the what now?
Hakkai: All the parts were chosen at random, Sanzo. Nobody got to choose.
Sanzo: Then who the fuck is the kappa supposed to be?
Gojyo: I'm the king, and you know what, I can live with that…
Sanzo: And you, Hakkai?
Hakkai: Why couldn't you tell from just a moment ago? I'm the narrator. Now get back to your places, I have to introduce the rest of the cast.
Sanzo: Well this oughta be good.
Hakkai: Sanzorella lived in large castle—
Sanzo: Why am I living in a castle?
Hakkai: If you would let me finish…—
—with his wicked step siblings and his evil stepmother, Lady Gyokumen—
Sanzo: What the Fuck is Kougaiji and the rest of the freak show from Houtou Castle doing here?
Kougaiji: Coz if it's just your lot there aren't enough actors.
Hakkai: Ahem?
Now Sanzorella was very, um… charming and that didn't sit well with his evil stepmother. So she put him to work as her personal *heheh* man servant.
Sanzo: What?!
Gyokumen: Oh, I was born for this part, Ahem:
Sanzorella! Mop the floor! Iron my clothes! Paint my nails! Refill my coffee! Hand over the Maten scripture!
Sanzo: Hell no Bitch.
Lirin: Hahaha! Baldy is doing all the chores.
Kougaiji: Heh heh, this is kind of fun.
Sanzorella, polish my boots
Lirin: Oh, I want a try!
Baldiella make me lunch! Oh, oh! No, play with me! Play with me!
Sanzo: Move on Hakkai!
Hakkai: Oh yeah. Hehe
Well one day there came an announcement that the King was holding a royal ball in honor of finding a bride for the handsome Prince Charming. The whole kingdom was excited. Especially the evil stepmother who was itching to get her hands on some of that royal power.
Gyokumen: Sanzorella, make my daughter beautiful!
Sanzo: Which one?
Kougaiji: What was that monk?
Sanzo: *Smirk* Oh, you meant the short one? Oh, I don't think there is anything I can do to fix that…
Lirin: Fix what?
Gyokumen: Sanzorella, you do what I say or I'll—!"
Sanzo: You'll do what exactly?
Gyokumen: Now I was going to let you go to the ball since you're a man and there for not a threat to my daughter, but if you're going to be an Ass, I'll just leave you behind.
Sanzo: Like I care…
Hakkai: You could act a little more upset, you know?
Sanzo: *tch*
Hakkai: *Sigh*
So, since Sanzorella couldn't be compliant, he was left at home to—
... Sanzo, what are you doing?
Sanzo: The bitch and her brats are gone, so I'm having a smoke and reading the paper. You got a problem with that?
Hakkai: Well no. I personally don't, but that's really out of character for Cinderella? I don't think Cinderella was a chain smoker. Couldn't you act a little more lonely, or cry, or… I don't know something.
Sanzo: You're lucky I haven't shot anyone yet.
Hakkai: And just when Sanzorella thought he was in his darkest hour—
Sanzo: Not happening
Hakkai:—there appeared a bright light in the form of an orb descending from the heaven.
Sanzo: Shit No! Not her!
Kanzeon: It's been awhile Konzen…
Sanzo: Why the Hell is that bitch here?!
Hakkai: She asked for the part of fairy godmother.
Sanzo: I thought you said that nobody got to choose their part!
Kanzeon: I'm an all-powerful goddess, honey. I get whatever I want.
Sanzo: Fuck…
Hakkai: The beautiful, powerful, gorgeous, merciful and just fairy godmother appeared and smiled down on poor and helpless Sanzorella…
Uh, Merciful goddess? Did you mess with my script?
Kanzeon: Ahem. Konzenrella, I heard you want to crash the ball over at the Prince's Castle.
Sanzo: Where'd you hear that bull shit from?
Kanzeon: Well, being the powerful and amazing person I am, I'm going to help you get what you most desire.
Sanzo: What I most desire is for you to get the fuck out of my castle and let me have my cigarette in peace.
Kanzeon: Now Konzenrella, is that anyway to speak to someone that's trying to help. I could always turn you into a frog and we can do a different story…
Sanzo: Fuck, What do you want then?
Kanzeon: First I'll need a dragon.
Sanzo: Isn't it supposed to be a fuckin' pumpkin?
Kanzeon: I guess, but dragons a so much nicer don't you think?
Hakuryuu: Kyuu?
Hakkai: Yeah Hakuryuu, that's you're cue.
And just like magic a small dragon appeared and transformed into a vehicle worthy of Sanzorella's quest…
Sanzo: Yeah, it would be the Jeep.
Kanzeon: Perfect, now I'll need some mice.
Sanzo: Seems like we're all fresh out of mice.
Kanzeon: Oh no no no no. That can not be. We can't have Konzenrella driving himself to the ball, can we?
Gojyo: It's not like he has his license anyway.
Hakkai: Gojyo, you're supposed to get back to castle getting ready for your part.
Gojyo: Oh—Yeah…
Kanzeon: Oh, there's a mouse. Jiroushin get your ass out here.
Jiroushin: Yes m'lady… *walks out in mouse costume*
Sanzo: *Snicker* What the hell is that?
Kanzeon: That's a mouse obviously… Now, Bibbidy Bobidy or whatever!
Jiroushin: *sigh, takes off costume* Oh my, I'm a chauffeur. I shall take master Sanzorella to the ball…
Kanzeon: You could've put a little bit more emphasis into it.
Jiroushin: *Sigh*
Kanzeon: Now is there anything else you need, Konzenrella?
Sanzo: No
Kanzeon: Oh come on Konzenrella. There must be something you need so you can attend the ball.
Sanzo: No, I don't think so. You can leave now.
Kanzeon: *rolls eyes* Now all Kozenrella needs in the right robes for the ball.
Sanzo: I'm not changing.
Kanzeon: No need. I am a goddess after all.
Sanzo: *Poof* What the Hell did you do to me you old Hag?
Kanzeon: Just dressed you in something more fit for the occasion. My, you look just like you use to, Konzen Douji, in those robes. I wish they would have let he make your hair longer. I even followed the script and made your sandals out of glass.
Sanzo: This looks like fuckin' women's clothes.
Kanzeon: Hahaha, Have fun at the ball, Konzenrella!
Sanzo: That damn old Hag…
Jiroushin: If you could please get in, master Sanzorella…
Hakkai: At the royal Castle, the party was already well underway. And they were preparing to announce the Prince's arrival.
Gyokumen: Now Lirin, stop eating and listen to me. You have to be on your best behavior. Try and use some of that charm you inherited from me. Sweep that stupid prince off his feet. *licks her thumb and wipes away some of the food on Lirin's cheek*
Kougaiji: Wow, this is the first time I think I've ever seen you act like a real mother.
Gyokume: Shut up!
Hakkai: Just outside, Sanzorella had finally arrived.
Sanzo: Shit, what am I supposed to do now.
Jiroushin: You could help yourself to the buffet.
Sanzo: tch. I'm not the monkey…
Hakkai: But Sanzorella was awfully hungry…
Sanzo: Shut up Hakkai…
Hakkai: *chuckles* Just as Sanzorella entered the ball room, the Royal trumpeters played their horns, announcing the long awaited arrival of the prince—
Sanzo: Where is Goku in all this…
Hakkai: Sanzo, stop interrupting me…
Ahem—His Royal Highness, Prince Son Goku!
Sanzo: Fuck, I should have seen this coming. Fucked up Fan service…
Hakkai: As the prince looked over the audience before him with bewilderment, his ever assertive father came over to comfort him.
Gojyo:Finally, my part… So Goku, son. See anyone you like?
Goku: Gojyo, what's going on?
Gojyo: *Elbows Goku in the side*
Goku: Ouch, what the Hell was that for!?
Gojyo: Goku, I, as you father, threw this party for you to pick your bride. You can have anyone of these beauties, so just pick one.
Goku: Uh, what?
Hakkai: As King Gojyo explained what was going on to his ignorant son, Sanzorella had found his way to the buffet table and was mingling as only our Sanzo can.
Sanzo: Don't touch me!
Hakkai: See? But just as he was starting to at least be less annoyed with his circumstances, a certain really important character bumped into him.
Sanzo: Hey watch where you're going.
Goku: Oh, sorry Sanzo.
Sanzo: Stupid Monkey, stick to the script. You're not supposed to know me.
Goku: Oh yeah, sorry. Um, excuse me miss.
Sanzo: *beat Goku with the fan* I'm not a miss you idiot.
Goku: Ouch! Sorry, I mean sir. Why's everyone keep hitting me? *Goku looks up at Sanzo* Woah, Sanzo. You look really nice.
Sanzo: Shut up Monkey *Sanzo turns away*
Hakkai: And yes, he is blushing—
Sanzo: Hakkai!
Hakkai: Sorry. *smirk* Anyway, Prince Goku, struck in awe by Sanzorella's beauty, asks Sanzorella to dance with him.
Pssst—Goku, that's your cue…
Goku: Oh, okay. Sanzo—I mean, um, Sir would you—
Sanzo: Hell no.
Hakkai: Sanzo, you have to. It's part of the story.
Sanzo: I'm not dancing with the monkey. With his clumsy feet, I won't be able to stand.
Goku: Sanzoooo? *tugs on Sanzo's arm*
Sanzo: What! *looks down at Goku*
Goku: *stares at Sanzo, kind of hurt that Sanzo won't dance with him even if it is only a play*
Sanzo: Shit. Fine, I'll dance…
Hakkai: Thank you Sanzo.
Sanzo: Shut up…
Hakkai: Sanzorella and Prince Goku Danced for half a song before Sanzorella said he'd had enough and limped off the dance floor. Prince Goku led Sanzorella to a bench outside and ran off to get him an ice pack. When he came back he tried to help, but Sanzorella batted his hands away…
Sanzo: Just give it to me. I'll do it myself.
Goku: I'm sorry Sanzo. I didn't think I would hurt you so bad.
Sanzo: *sigh* Stop apologizing you idiot. It's not your fault no one ever taught you to dance.
Goku: *Goku watches Sanzo for a while* Hey Sanzo, is it okay if I pick you?
Sanzo: What?
Goku: Gojyo said I had to pick one of the people in the room over there to be my bride. Can I choose you?
Sanzo: Goku, you didn't say that in italics.
Goku: I-whats?
Sanzo: I mean you didn't say that in character.
Goku: I wasn't acting.
Sanzo: *Sanzo's cheeks started to burn* Stupid Monkey. You're supposed to ask Sanzorella to marry you.
Goku: Who's Sanzorella?
Sanzo: A— *sigh* Forget it.
Goku: What?!
Hakkai: Suddenly the clock overhead tolled midnight—
Sanzo: Shit Hakkai! Were you listening to that?
Hakkai: *Snicker* Noooo…
Anyway! And Sanzorella realized his time with the prince was up.
Sanzo: *grumble* Well that's curfew. I've got to go Goku. I'll see you later.
Goku: Uh, okay…
Hakkai: Saznorella got up and walked back to the Jeep, leaving his discarded sandal next to the ice pack he'd been using…
The next day Lay Gyokumen was all in a tizzy about the night before. The prince had found his bride among his guests and they'd ran off with him during the duration of the evening and left him without giving their name and leaving only a glass sandal behind. Now the prince was determined to find his bride by matching their sandal with the foot of his beloved.
Gyokumen: How could this have happened? Who was the bitch that stole the prince?
Kougaiji: Um, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but the one that the prince ran off with was actually a guy…
Gyokumen: What? I… I..I didn't know the prince swung that way. Hmm, maybe I would have had better luck if I had dressed you up instead.
Kougaiji: What!? Mother!
Sanzo: *snicker*
Gyokumen: Well what did this asshole look?
Kougaiji: Well I'm not sure. I didn't get a good look at them. They were dressed in white robes, they weren't very tall, and they had a slender almost feminine figure, a pretty face… Oh and I heard that from someone that's already seen the sandal that whoever they are has really small feet.
Sanzo: We get it already!
Gyokumen: What does it matter to you, Sanzorella, it wasn't like you were actually there.
Lirin: Hey mother! There's someone here from the royal palace.
Gyokumen: Shit! They are here early. Sanzorella, go occupy yourself with something while they are here. I don't need to see your face right now.
Sanzo: Like I want to stick around here any longer anyway.
Gyokumen: Ohmigod, I wasn't expecting the prince to be fitting the shoe himself.
Goku: Hakkai's making me do it coz I blew my lines earlier…
Gyokumen: Uh… I mean, I hear that a young man has stolen the prince's heart. Is that true, your highness?
Goku: Uh, I guess.
Hakkai: Goku, talk in character…
Lady Gyokumen presented her son, Kougaiji to the prince and even though the prince said that Kougaiji didn't look like the man who had stolen his heart, Lady Gyokumen insisted he try it on anyway. But alas, Kougaiji's foot was too big, which was a relief to both Kougaiji and Goku because the person who fit the petite—
Sanzo: What.
Hakkai: —I mean small sandal was to be the prince's bride as decreed by the king.
Gojyo: What kind of stupid king makes a decree like that?
Gyokumen: Well, since there isn't anyone else around that's the appropriate gender that fits it, I guess you have to look somewhere else.
Goku: But what about Sanzo?
Hakkai: *Face palm* Goku, I told you to stick to your lines.
Goku: But Hakkai, why would I leave if Sanzo's here.
Hakkai: Because—
Sanzo: Ah shit, Hakkai. Let's just get this stupid thing over with. I'm here and I can try on the fuckin' sandal.
Gyokumen: I thought I told you to stay in the back!
Sanzo: Stuff it bitch. I'm trying on the stupid thing.
Goku: Ha! Sanzo, I knew you were here.
Sanzo: yeah, yeah, Monkey. Now put the fuckin' thing on my foot so we can get this over with.
Goku: Okay.
Hakkai: Finally… Prince Goku kneeled before Sanzorella and put the sandal on his foot… or, um, tried to…
Goku, what's the problem?
Goku: I don't know. The thing won't go on.
Sanzo: Fuck you idiot, be careful! It's still swollen from last night!
Goku: But if I can't get it on, I can't marry you.
Sanzo: You stupid monkey! Will you stop say that embarrassing shit out of character!
Gojyo: Hey Hakkai?
Hakkai: Yes Gojyo?
Gojyo: Does Sanzorella still have the other shoe from last night?
Hakkai: Ah, great idea Gojyo. Sanzo, get the other sandal out.
Gojyo: Unless the monkey stepped on both your feet.
Sanzo: Shut up you fuckin' Kappa. *reaches into sleeve* Here, here's the other sandal. Now put it on me so we can be done with this.
Goku: Okay!
Hakkai: Phew… With the sandal fitting easily onto our heroi—hero's foot, it was revealed that Saznorella was indeed the girl… Ahem boy, I mean man that had stolen Prince Goku's heart. And with that, Prince Goku kissed his fiancé.
Sanzo: Hakkai, stop messing around.
Hakkai: Hahaha. And they all lived happily ever after… probably…
Astral Wrighter: Hope you all enjoyed my first broadcast. And guess what, Sanzo Party? There will be many more to come. I want to hear any and all comments.
This is my Fan service stuff. If anyone has any story's in particular that they want to see the Saiyuki characters totally butcher—Grimm Brothers' stories, Greek/Roman Myths, Shakespearean stories, etc. I will write it if you mention it in a review. Also, I'll take ideas on casting and pairings. I've got nothing better to do at the moment and I can write these in a few hours…
Please review!