Dear Die-Ary, Today Is Over: The Life and Times of Yuki Sohma
WARNING: Story is intended for mature audiences only. Contains graphic sexual reference, adult content, suggestive dialogue, violence, drug usage and occasional vaginal bruising.
✩ONE✩
Prostate Exam, Panties and Pie
Today, Kyo had to go for a prostate exam; Naturally, I went with him. While the doctor stuck his finger up Kyo's ass, I enjoyed listening to The Blow Job Song by Blink 182. A fine song in my opinion. The look on Kyo's face had to be the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life. It was a mix between a constipated owl and Akito when she's on the rag. The noise he made was even funnier. It was a combination of a garbage disposal throwing up and Lady Gaga.
"Mr. Sohma, you have to relax your anus. I believe that my finger is caught up there." Before Kyo can say anything I cut in. "Stuck? What do you mean stuck? Like they're gonna have to do surgery to fix his bumhole?" The doctor ignores me and turns his attention back to Kyo. Dickweed. I don't know why we just didn't go see Hatori like usual.
O.O That psycho-cunt who heads my fan club left her skanky panties in my locker again. I couldn't get my history book out of my locker without touching them. Fearing for my life, I headed to the science wing to get some gloves, goggles, tongs and a specimen jar. Armed to the teeth, I take my own hands in my life, and reach in for the panties. Before I could deposit them into the jar, Momiji ran up behind me, scaring the shit out of me, and I dropped the panties. "Jesus Christ!" "Who's he Yuki?" "Never mind that! Look what you've done! You've allowed the beast to escape!" Momiji looks at the panties on the floor. "Ah, Yuki, those are just girl's underwear. See?" He reaches for the panties, but I slap his hand.
"Have you no brain? I bet those things have fuckin' teeth. They nearly killed me earlier, they could easily take you down." Momiji backs up a few feet. "What are you going to do with them?" "The only reasonable thing a man can do." "Sniff them?" "Momiji! What the fuck did I just tell you? Anyway the smell of these things have already straightened my nose hair. This shit is like chemo for nose hair, I tell ya! I can't imagine what would happen if I actually sniffed them. My sinuses would probably dissolve."
Momiji giggles and I turn to face him. "There is nothing to be giggling about! This is a very serious matter. Who knows how many can be in danger because of these vial things?" "Yuki, did you take your medication today?" "YES!" I tong the panties and deposit them into the jar. I wipe the sweat off my forehead and exhale. "That was a close one!" "Whatever you say, Yuki." Then I remember that Momiji is lingering. "You wanna get out of there?" "Isn't that how you pick up women?" I snort. "Don't worry about that until you're older Bunny Boy. Let's go check out that new glory hole in the 17th street train station." I pick up the specimen jar, tape the son of a bitch shut and whip it into the trash bin. "Um, Yuki?" "Yeah?" I ask, taking my homework out of my locker. "What's a glory hole?"
Upon my arrival at home I discovered that Tohru had made a pie. By the smell of it, I would say either strawberry or raspberry. Delicious. I think about sticking my finger in the middle of it, but decide against it, because before I know it, I'll be up on the counter trying to get down and dirty with the thing. Ah, pie, such a sexual being. I don't know that from first hand experience, but I've spoken to Haru and he tells me there is nothing like it. And he swears that the juices from the pie actually make your nuts tingle. Hmm. Maybe that's why he wants to open a bakery when he graduates high school.
Tohru tells me that I have to dress for dinner. What the hell is wrong with my uniform? Ah, better not argue with her and have her try to tit slap me again. Yeah, you heard right! She tried to get all up on my titties. I know I'm sexy and all but motherfucker! She needs to pay like all the others. Then again, she does cook for me. Okay, she has the honour of giving me a blow job, no charge. No wonder I'm passing maths with flying colours-I'm a business man. Anyway, what the fuck am I going to wear to din-dins? Perhaps I'll dress like Hugh Hefner or Bob Barker…I haven't dressed like him in a while. Barker it is!