Here it is, the story for Scribbles who reviewed one of my other stories and voted for me over at the TE! I asked her for a prompt and my perverted mind came up with this story. This is the first chappie of the train wreck I call thought and the first part of this twoshot. Rating will probably go up and some (unintentional, it's all the characters' fault me swears!) slash is mentioned and will be more explicit later on so don't likey don't readey. My beta is off somewhere so the fanfic's unbeta'd. Point out dah mistakes.
Disclaimer: If I owned Harry Potter! I would hang out with rich people everyday! But unfortunately I don't! So I'm here all alone! Bawling my eyes out but hey hooray! I've got Fanfiction!
Boys Gone Wild Marauders' Style
Chapter 1: Obsessive stalkers and drooling girls
Nymphadora Tonks was given the task of sorting through old and forgotten pictures in the attic of the Order's HQ also known as the family 'home' of one Sirius Black, who happened to be her uncle. No, scratch that; they are cousins. Are they? Oh, sod it; this whole family tree business is SO confusing. We'll just say that he's her uncle because it makes him sound old and he gets angry.
Back on track, Tonks was rifling through boxes full of photographs when she stumbled upon a box labelled "JAMES POTTER'S BLACKMAIL MATERIAL. SNOOPERS WILL BE HEXED!" Her interest picked, Tonks started emptying the contents of the box hastily.
She should have known not to open a seemingly innocent photo album that stood out among the other paraphernalia that belonged to the contents of the box (among them lied a snitch themed bra, a pair of handcuffs and a male thong with a tiger print. She really didn't want to duel on the owners but something told her that the thong was one of Sirius' possessions), but she was a very curious Hufflepuff.
In the first page, resided a picture of a young and very naked Severus Snape cuffed with aforementioned handcuffs to a broom cupboard's handle, private parts thankfully obscured from public view by a conveniently placed cauldron. Tonks didn't know whether to cry or laugh; she settled on laughing and decided on asking her ex-professor about that unfortunate incident next time he stayed for dinner, where THE WEASLEY TWINS will be present. And this had nothing to do with the fact that she had to get back at him for acting like an arse at her. Nothing at all.
In the second page, a fat looking boy, who Tonks concluded to be Peter Pettigrew, was eating a large bar of chocolate with the wrapper stating in bold lettering that THIS CHOCOLATE IS REMUS LUPIN'S. She almost felt sorry for the boy, but not entirely, since she had a firsthand experience with Remus' infatuation with chocolate and the homicidal tendencies that came with it. Wormtail's bewildered expression at being caught indicated that he knew too. Oh well, he should have been more careful or not steal and wolf down (pun unintended) Remus' chocolate in the first place.
There were various pictures of very embarrassing moments of the Hogwarts' student body in the following pages of what proved to be a dirty little picture book. James' talent at snooping and his impeccable timing of walking in the worst moments possible proved to be helpful in this case. It also proved that Harry's timing at walking in the most inappropriate moments was a genetic matter and not something he did on purpose as Ron supported.
Surprisingly, she hadn't stumbled upon any picture of Remus and Sirius yet, but she had stumbled upon a very traumatizing picture of one Lucius Malfoy that would haunt her for years to come.
There was a grant variety of Lily Evans' pictures as well, only half of them being even remotely embarrassing. The rest of them consisted of a carefree Lily smiling or studying. She then remembered Sirius mentioning something about Prongs being one of the creepiest stalkers that grazed the walls of the magical school. That, upon further inspection, proved to be entirely true, given the context of the pictures and that in the majority of them Lily Evans seemed to ignore the fact that an infatuated James Potter snapped pictures of her in almost a daily basis.
Finally, she reached the ending pages of the book. In shock, she noted that almost all of them consisted of Remus and Sirius. The fact that he had labelled that particular part of the album as 'Remus and Sirius: The Utterly Real Disasters or T.U.R.D' should have been an indicator, but she was a bit too busy laughing over the incredible fail of the acronym to duel on anything else.
Before the last three pages, James had placed a warning. IF YOU ARE OR WISH TO BE INVOLVED WITH ONE OF THE OLD BICKERING COUPLE THAT ARE MY FRIENDS AND YOU HAVE ACCIDENTALLY FALLEN IN POSSESION OF THIS PLEASE CLOSE THE BOOK AND PRETEND IT NEVER HAPPENED.
That was the wrong thing to say, because if there was something Nymphadora Tonks was, that was incurably curious and unfathomably obstinate. She had set her mind on finding out what the last three pages showed and she would fucking discover it or die trying. Okay, maybe that was a bit dramatic, but she was half a Black, so she had every right to be a Drama Queen. It was in her genes after all.
She turned the page with the warning and stared. Her mouth was doing a very convincing imitation of a fish.
In the third page from the end Sirius Black, wearing nothing but the aforementioned thong, was snogging an obviously drunk Remus Lupin wearing...
"IS THAT A BO-PEEP PIN-UP COSTUME?" screeched the bubblegum pink-haired girl. She felt her head turning, but she wasn't sure whether it was from disgust, arousal or both. Thankfully, the house was empty from the Order of the Phoenix save for Remus and Sirius. Unluckily (for the men mentioned) the house was empty save for Remus and Sirius.
She turned page and gaped more, when she came face to face with Sirius'...bum. The nausea was overwhelming and this time she did puke. She only felt better when she saw Lupin's part of the picture. Remus was only wearing the skirt part of the costume, scars criss-crossing on his chest and his-ahem-assets had created an obvious tent. He was panting and Tonks remained transfixed at the picture, as Sirius removed Remus' skirt ever so slowly before the-Fucking Disappointing, Frustrating, Idiotic, Amazingly Arousing-picture stopped just before she got a good peep.
She glared at the ceiling, hoping that James Potter was watching and laughing at her misery. "FUCK! Why do you have to be so cruel James Potter?" She then turned at the picture before her and muttered breathlessly at Remus' 17-year-old -self. "You bloody tease..."
The last picture was of the morning after, where the two familiar figures woke up and screamed like little girls (thank Merlin the picture had no sound). Then Remus leapt up and Tonks decided that he started chasing the aspiring photographer, since her last view was that of the floor. A little note accompanied the photograph.
I, James William Potter, solemnly swear that I'll never show these photos to anyone, nor will I sell them to a dating agency to use as an advert. I also swear that I will hand this photo album to Sirius after the school year is over and never talk about the incident viewed in the last three pages.
Tonks didn't give a flying fuck about the note. She had just seen Remus Lupin naked. Naked AND Angry. She felt like she could die right there and then with all the sensations going through her poor body.
So immersed was she at her thoughts, that she didn't notice the two men standing behind her. The taller one was trying to stifle his laughter, while the second one was turning redder as minutes went by. Finally, Sirius couldn't take it anymore.
"Like what you see Nymphie?"
The girl jumped ten feet in the air and smacked her head at the ceiling. She turned to glare at the man, but the effect was ruined by her red-stained cheeks. She started stammering, never making eye contact with Remus. "Uh...I-I, I j-just, w-well...Never mind."
Staring down only ensured that she would be involuntarily staring at his crotch and staring at Sirius wasn't the most advisable thing either. She started inspecting her nails instead, in hopes of this whole thing being a very unpleasant dream with just one pleasant image in its entire spectrum.
Wait a moment! Why should I be embarrassed? It's supposed to be them blushing and avoiding eye contact not I! More determined than before, Tonks made eye contact with Sirius and smirked cheekily. Sirius gulped and the sound echoed in the thick silence.
"Nice thong Sirius, it really brings to the surface your inner animal. I wonder what Snape would think of these pictures..."
"You wouldn't dare...," muttered the ebony-haired man.
Tonks took this as a challenge. "Wouldn't I?" She whipped out her wand, grabbed the photo album and was almost ready to apparate when Remus spoke up for the first time.
"STOP! I think that you would like to know the events behind the pictures, wouldn't you Dora?" Remus smiled at her and her tummy butterflies started screaming and dancing the can-can. She smiled dazedly at him. Of course, Sirius had to go and ruin it all.
"Oi! Stop eye-fucking each other, there's plenty time for that later."
"Why don't we put these things back, hide them somewhere dark and gloomy, ensure that no one else will find them and never ever speak of them again?" asked Remus hopefully.
"Can I keep the album?" said the cousins/niece-uncle simultaneously. They turned to glare at each other.
"No, sorry, now hand it over." Remus had his defy-me-not face and his tone didn't give any space for argument.
"Killjoy" muttered Tonks the same moment Sirius said "Wet blanket" under his breath.
"I heard that." The pair groaned. "Shall we move this party downstairs?" Without waiting for their answer, Remus descended the stairs, clearly not caring if they followed or not. Neither Tonks nor Padfoot failed to notice that Remus took the album with him.
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