Summary: Broken is the only word Brooke knows to describe how she's feeling. The haze she's slipping into is pulling her deeper in and one person can save her. Her Nathan

Rating: M

Warnings: Self-mutilation, Mature Content, Language

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Except for the seasons on DVD and some cheerios.

Haze

Chapter One: Steel Gray

"Man staggers through life yapped at by his reason, pulled and shoved by his appetites, whispered to by fears, beckoned by hopes. Small wonder that what he craves most is self-forgetting."

Somehow she ended up at her old apartment. For weeks she'd hung out at a hotel, avoiding anyone and everyone, especially them. Lucas and Peyton. She'd ended things with him that night. With everything going on it had been easier. She'd ended things with him to avoid a broken heart. Unfortunately that hadn't really worked out so well. Because right now it was shattered. He had convinced her to come out. And not Lucas, the other him. Nathan. Her Nathan. Not hers for a long time though. First he'd left her for Peyton and then it had been Haley. But somehow he'd managed to get her over to his apartment. It had been a week since she'd first landed on there couch. And so far it was not any easier. She turned her face up to the hot spray of water beating down on her and sighed, leaning back against the shower wall. She'd thought after the first time Lucas broke her heart nothing would hurt as bad. But this did. This was killing her. She didn't realize she was crying until she felt the tears on her cheeks. This was worse than being cheated on. This was sacrificing the love of your life so he could be happy with the girl you knew he really loved. A girl you loved. And for selfish people like Brooke it was hard. Too hard. She slouched down to the floor of the shower, water and salty tears mixing together and slipping into her mouth, the sobs now escaping dying into whimpers. The water was cold but she hardly noticed. She felt all the air building inside her like she couldn't breathe, like she was dying. Her chest was rising and falling hard like a ton of bricks was resting on top of her and she couldn't get enough air. She felt like she was dying. Blindly she reached, not even realizing what she was doing until she felt the piece of metal dragging across her skin. At first she stared at the wound, the cut running across her hip, blood seeping out. Then she felt her breathing even out. And all the pain, the real hurt, go away. She watched her red tears seep into the drain and slip away. It was forty-five minutes before she climbed out of the shower, putting a bandage on her hip and slipping on sweats despite the fact it was summer. And when she finally reclaimed her place on the couch, only moments before Haley and Nathan arrived back home, for once a smile curved her lips. For once she felt a little better.

Weeks passed, days spent on the couch of their house until the day the call came. She could tell Nathan had been expecting it. Someone who wanted Haley to tour for the summer. And because he respected her so much he said okay. And then the tutor-girl was gone and he was her Nathan again. But he wasn't. He rarely said much, and it wasn't like she expected them to be best friends. But then again she wasn't much for conversation lately. She lived in some sort of numb stupor, a self-induced bubble. The piece of shiny steel that she taped into her makeup kit had become her new best friend, the slashes covering her now boney hips a kind of trophy. Nathan never questioned her long showers, though he complained about her lack of eating. But mostly she was on her own. On her own with her thoughts and her red tears.

It wasn't until Haley had been gone for two weeks that things changed. Lucas's calls stopped and she knew the reason. Nathan did to, that's why he stopped bringing him, or her, up around Brooke. For some reason he was spending more and more evenings with her on the couch, watching South Park reruns and laughing hysterically. Brooke actually looked forward to something.

"Brooke, you haven't touched your pizza." It was a Friday…or a Thursday she'd lost track, but whatever it was he was there and they'd ordered pizza and no she hadn't touched it. She shrugged and threw her plate with a slightly picked at slice of pizza back on top of the box.

"Yeah, I don't have an appetite." Nathan eyeballed her for a long moment.

"He really did a number on you, huh?" She looked at him, the pain in her eyes answering him. He looked away.

"Brooke, Haley, she told me to take care of you. But the thing is I'm not sure how. You seem, you look, well broke." She didn't say a word still. He was right. She had lost too much weight, her hip bones jutting out, and her ribs visible. Not only that but she was pale, dark circles ringing her eyes. Finally he saw the tears welling up and he reached for her, pulling her, crushing her to his chest. She scrunched her hands up, fistfuls of t-shirts in her hands, sobbing brokenly, her tears wetting his shoulder. But she didn't mind. This was her Nathan.

"Nathan stop spraying me! It is not funny." An eleven year old Brooke Davis held her hand up, blocking the water hoses freezing water as she pulled her long dark hair into a ponytail. She stood in her bikini, pink with red polka dots, Nathan in blue swim trunks. They were in his backyard, his mother watching Brooke for the day. A play date they called it. Nathan laughed.

"Yeah it kinda is." Brooke rolled her eyes, biting back a smile and ran past him cannon-balling into the huge pool, splashing Nathan and soaking him. He laughed and followed her into the pool. They were best friends, had to be. They'd been born to two of the most prominent families in Tree Hill. Nathan grabbed Brooke by her ponytail, pulling her to him and pushing her under. When she emerged red-faced he'd been choking on water from laughing.

"Jerk-off." She muttered the insult under her breath and swam away. Nathan sighed.

"Brooke, come on. It was a joke." She eyed him and then busted out laughing from the worried expression on his face.

"I know Nate; I'm just messing with you." He chuckled and started to swim away, before doubling back and pinning her to the wall.

"Nate, come on, enough." He shook his head, preparing to dunk her again. Instead he froze, her lips on his. The kiss itself was innocent, both of their first, Brooke's lips pressing against his for a few seconds. And when she pulled away to find his eyes wide with shock, a giggle escaped her lips.

"Brooke, what?" She grinned and shrugged.

"I don't know. I just wanted to." He bit down on his lip, the taste of her cherry chap-stick lingering there.

"But why?" Irritation gathered in her eyes. A moment later she shrugged.

"Cause you're my Nathan." She smiled softly and swam off, leaving him with an arm resting again the side of the pool, trying to figure out what just happened. Because whatever that was, he wanted to do it again.

Brooke let Nathan hold her for what seemed like forever, and he wasn't letting go anytime soon. He took her back to his room and laid her on the bed, covering her with covers when she'd finally cried herself to sleep. After a moment he pressed a kiss to her forehead and walked out to the couch. He would take care of her. She was his Brooke.

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