A/N: If you take this seriously, then please get help.
In his young adult years, Ezio Auditore was remarkably well-known throughout Italy for his beyond expectation assets. For years, he had had admirer after admirer that would stare and be tantalized by the wonderful butt that he possessed. They gaped as he passed, eyes locked in his direction to make sure they could get a pleasant view the ravishingly refined walking piece of ass that was the greatest ass-assin to come out of Florence. Ezio knew this, and always feigned surprise when he was told by his brothers that a crowd of bypassers would look over their shoulders to sneak a peak at his gluteus. He found amusement in their gasping and whispering, What wonderfully tight pants!, and Who is that man?; all things said on a daily basis.
Ezio merely smirked and taunted.
From the day he vowed his father that he too would become one with the ass-assins, took the oath of the AssCreed; Ezio had been grateful. He no longer had to bare the burden of wielding a glorious arse. All his youth he had thought himself to be too gifted, that he had been an outsider for having his magnificent behind. His older brother and his father both had the Auditore Family curse of a capital bum, so he took comfort in knowing that he was not completely alone. When he joined the AssCreed, it was like a big sigh of relief that he could accept his booty for what it was- beauteous and ravishing.
Grateful for all the satisfaction of being an ass-assin brought by the creed, Ezio made a personal vow to see to it that he would expand and glorify the order. Ezio had always been in search of the best to bring into the AssCreed. His tutelage would only go so far as to raise the right sorts of butts into the order and condition those people to accept an observation that has been repeated by the ass-assin's since the great beginning;
Nothing is true,
Every ass is permitted.
The AssCreed had been flourishing and in a golden age of bums and booty's galore, until the day the Borgia's would not have their arse-based reputation dwindle to a lower status. Cesare sought out Ezio, and played every trick in the book to lure the Ass-assin out to him. He killed off his brothers, insulted his behind, outlawed tight pants, ANYTHING to draw forth Ezio. Having enough of the rambunctious royalty's affairs, Ezio finally allowed himself to be summoned. He purposefully wore his tightest pants in spite of Cesare.
"Ezio Auditore da Firenze… a… Master Ass-assin! The ass that EVERYBODY is talking about."
Cesare strutted about his rooftop balcony where the two had met up. He was clad in some-what tight leggings that barely highlighted his cardboard-flat arse, ones that any higher classmen should likely be ashamed of.
"Enough of your antics, Cesare. You have so desperately called me out, now tell me what it is that you want from me." Ezio belittled him, annoyed and regretting actually being beckoned by the jealous bigot.
"You know damn well what I want, ass-assin! Tell me, tell me your secrets!" Cesare screamed foolishly in a desperate wail of animosity.
"I thought that message would be clear," Ezio smirked and leaned casually over the balcony fence, making sure his perfect butt stuck out from his robes, taunting. "Every ass in our order is ~natural~."
Cesare grimaced, rage boiled in his eyes, a feverish red dawning on his face.
"Auditore, I swear to GOD if you do not reveal to me the secrets left by Altiar on perfect butts, your order shall suffer! I shall bring my wrath about them as if it were the APOCALYPSE!"
Ezio casually wiggled his behind, pouting, unamused. "You can't have it, culo piatto."*
Cesare broke down crying out, wailing, and stomping. "THE BORGIAS WILL NOT BE DISGRACED BY A BAND OF PETTY ASS-FLASHERS!" He punched at a wall, "Our asses have been worshiped! Our booties are the greatest in all of Italia! Of the WORLD! No low-life, scoundrels with tight pants will surpass that!"
Ezio only smirked. He could only offer a few more words to further pester the raging Templar.
"Perhaps one day, Cesare, you will finally see the truth about your own arse." Ezio started to climb onto the railing, Cesare just stared with distaste, "The truth that you, or any member of your family, cannot possess the power brought by a wonderful ass."
With these last provoking words, Ezio dodged a bullet that Cesare had fired and leaped into a haystack on the outside of the castle walls, smirking the whole way. Cesare stomped over to the railing to watch him go, raising his fist in the air.
"I WILL FIND YOUR SECRETS, ASS-ASSIN!"
* flat ass