Stupidity... and Fear
By Kitara Lira
A hand groped about under the covers: empty. The mattress was cold suggesting that it had never been occupied. Through the dark room a sigh echoed, followed by a soft voice, "Baka…"
-
It was several more hours before the figure willed herself from the bed. Nature called, and denying it for too long would result in unnecessary trouble. Grunting and groaning, feet hit the cold floor, padding across the smooth surface in quite a hurry. The sound of a door shutting, eventually followed by the sound of what was presumably the toilet, then the sink; the only noise throughout the house.
Door creaking open, a pair of emerald eyes peering out into the room. It was dark outside again, or at least almost dark. A few streams of light filtered through the slits of the blinds. Forehead resting against the frame of the door the woman again let out a sigh. Normally the room was neatly arranged, with a fresh vase of flowers upon the dresser and the blinds drawn high to allow the remaining rays of light to seep in before darkness snuffed them out.
Today wasn't normally. Blinds were shut tightly, clothes, blankets and pillows littered the floor and the flowers in the vase were beginning to wilt. Feet drug half heartedly across the floor as the woman made her way back to the bundle of carelessly thrown blankets, burrowing her way deep into the center of the comfort. There she found a small stuffed animal, her fingers tracing its petite shape, "Please…" A lone tear trickled down the pale features; sleep retook her before another trail of moisture could follow.
-
A door opened and closed. Little noise was made as the figure crept about, only the sound of socks sliding across hardwood could be heard. Before the second door, the form paused, hand poised above the handle. A few moments passed before the door was opened and the shadow slipped in.
There, across the room, curled upon the bed with blankets in a frenzy, rested a woman. With a small stuffed animal cuddled up to her chest, even through the darkness, the small details could be seen.
Slipping off the coat that rested upon her shoulders, and out of the stuffy clothing, more suitable loose articles were adopted. A soft smile spread across the figures face and into the bed she slipped.
-
The moment a second heat source was detected, arms reached instinctively, wrapping about the midsection of the other; drawing them closer. A gentle laughter filtered through her ears, reverting the woman to a state of alertness, "Shi…zuru?" Asked the voice desperately, her eyes not yet adjusted to the darkness.
"Hai?" Responded the other, her fingers trailing about the warm midsection of her lover.
There was a long silence, as the first choked on her words, "I… I'm sorry… I didn't mean to… I was stupid…"
A slender finger upon her lips stopped the slur of words, "Shhh Natsuki, its okay…"
Raising her own hand to entangle with the one resting before her lips, Natsuki shook her head, "No Shizuru, it's not okay. I did something stupid; really stupid. I don't know why you put up with me." The younger woman choked upon her words, biting gently at the base of her own lip as if it would calm the uncertainty; the fear, "You're always there for me, always. What happened last night… I shouldn't have run like that. You mean the world to me and I don't know what I would do without you Shizuru. But sometimes… sometimes I feel so helpless. Like anything I do or say, it will only make things worse…"
"Natsuki you know…" The older woman was cut off by a gentle kiss, Natsuki's thumb running along the outline of her face. Even through the darkness, everything seemed perfectly illuminated.
"You say I know, but not matter how many times you say it Shizuru the fear… it doesn't go away. No matter how hard I try there is still always that lingering doubt. That somehow I'll manage to hurt you again but the more I worry about that, the more I hurt you and it just becomes this vicious cycle of love and hurt."
Shizuru didn't speak; instead she allowed her own arms to pull the other woman closer; something they both needed.
"I know I can't say those three words and it is stupid and it hurts you, I can see it in your eyes but… I'm just so scared Shizuru…" A stream of tears billowed from emerald orbs, to which Shizuru kissed away, "I'm so scared that if I say them Shizuru I'm going to lose you too. I don't want to lose you… please… don't go…"
A soothing hand ran down her hair, and down her back, then again went through the same motion. Over and over until the other calmed herself enough that the sobs had subsided. "Natsuki," Began Shizuru softly, "Rest now, we'll talk about this in the morning." Had enough light been present, it would have been visible the pain, yet the comfort in those crimson pools.
Natsuki visibly relaxed by the ministrations of the hand across her back, down her hair. Sleep was again tugging at her lids and her body, beckoning her to follow. She didn't want to. All she wanted was to cry into the arms of her most important person; she wanted to apologize for all the stupid things she had done; she wanted Shizuru to know that this commitment they shared to each other was the scariest thing she knew, yet was something she couldn't live without. But most importantly Natsuki had wanted to be able to make her lover happy; to chase away her fears; to be her shoulder to cry on; to be her rock. Natsuki wanted to confess everything then and there but as usual she felt the words lacking.
Before sleep took its final hold, Natsuki murmured softly, one last stray tear falling, "Gomen Shizuru, gomen… I just want to make you happy… but… I'm scared… and when you needed me most… I failed… gomen…"