Disclaimer: Klonoa, Guntz and related characters belong to Namco. I earn nothing.
Author's Note: This originally started as a drabble for Kiss and Tell, but over six months, it developed into something different. I couldn't stop writing this; it's bold, it's a very straightforward Guntz x Klonoa oneshot. It was a story that just had to be told. It's very long, so I recommend it if you have lots of time.
It's my last long oneshot before I get onto my next drabble collection, which will come up sometime in March. Kiss and Tell is due to be finished soon, now I have finished working on this. It's not that good, and very depressing, but I had to get it off my chest somehow.
Do enjoy.
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It had been so perfect.
But it wasn't meant to be.
When we defeated Nahatomb, and revived Lolo, it had been fabulous. Pango had looked slightly glum, but I was just so glad to have brought Lolo back to the lively girl she had been, and didn't notice the absence of one of my friends.
About a minute later, I noticed. "Where's Guntz?"
Lolo looked curious, but Pango dropped his gaze and sighed. I felt the happiness drain out of me - I needed Guntz! Where was he? My mind screamed that something terrible had happened.
"Lolo, could you go and check the spaceship for us?" Pango asked. She nodded, for she knew that Pango wanted to talk to me alone. As she ran towards the vessel, I felt alarm rising inside me, and I was getting frantic.
"Pango, what happened?"
"...Follow me, Klonoa. It will be a shock." He turned and led the way. Something absolutely terrible had happened, Pango couldn't be so downhearted otherwise. I followed him over to the rubble where we had fought Nahatomb, and...
I couldn't say anything. I was paralyzed with shock and horror.
"He didn't make it." Pango said quietly.
"No..." That was the first thing that came out of my mouth. I couldn't think of anything else to say; I didn't even intend to say it. It was something that just slipped out, one word that summed up the various emotions coursing through me.
Guntz's body was lying on the rubble, his eyes closed. His body was intact and his goggles were not even broken - If not for his fur, which was dyed a deep blackish-red by his blood, he could have been sleeping.
The deep blood-red patches on his clothes and fur were not what shocked me. The patches struck me as... dull. Not quite dreamlike, but unreal. I didn't believe Guntz was really... really...
I can't say it.
But the way his gun lay forgotten just metres away from his hand, his bloodstained gloves, and the thin trickle of blood running down his cheek struck me, right deep into my mind. It brought me back into reality. Reality I didn't want to go back into.
"Guntz... no!" I ran over to him, and tried frantically to shake him awake. Although inwardly I knew it wouldn't be any use, I kept trying. Oh, he was cold; his body was icy with the chill of death, and he was pale. He wasn't breathing either. That didn't stop me trying to wake him up, though. "Please... Guntz, you have to wake up... I need to tell you something... I need you." Tears were blinding my vision at this point. "Don't leave us..." I started, but then one sentence, which I had been dying to say but couldn't, just burst out of me. "Don't leave me!!"
Pango gently came up behind me, holding my shoulders. I looked back, tears freely falling down my face, and saw that he was cryng a little, too. Pango, after all, had cared for Guntz like a father. A father Guntz never had enough of. Pango's son - Boris - had been struck by the sleeping sickness and he had no son to virtually look after. So he kind of cared for Guntz and me like his sons. He knew more about Guntz then I did about him. But he wouldn't have cared for Guntz as much as I did. Which meant a lot; Pango was so kind and caring that his care towards Guntz was almost fatherly love. There isn't anything much that can beat that kind of friendship. Except one.
How I felt towards Guntz.
"Klonoa, don't... He's dead..." Pango whispered, choking on his own words. I shook my head fiercely and clung to Guntz's body tightly.
"He can't be. He can't." I murmured brokenly. I was sobbing, I hadn't realized it but now I could hear my own sobs as my vision became completely blurred due to my tears.
"Hey..."
We both looked towards the sound. A woman, one of the Moon people, was standing before us with a box behind her. She reminded me of Lephise from the Moon Kingdom. She was very beautiful.
"My name is Silvana. He asked me to do this if this happened."
"What? What are you talking about?" I whispered. "Do you know what happened to Guntz?"
"Yes. Guntz-san came around to my shop last night and asked me a favour. He had saved my sister - you know a group of Moon people you rescued from the Lunar Base about two days ago - and I owed him. He asked me to make this-" She pointed to the box. "And he said that in the battle tomorrow, if he didn't make it, put him in there and carry him back to the place where he first met Klonoa-chan." Silvana shed a tear. "I kind of thought it was ridiculous. But... he really is dead. I... can't... believe it."
Tears silently streaming down her face, she took out the box - it was a big one - and showed it to us. I, for a moment, was lost - what was that thing? It was a long box, rather big in size.
But then I realized what it was, with a kind of horror.
A coffin.
"...This was what he wanted." She said finally, and lapsed into silence. Pango nodded softly. "Thank you, Miss Silvana. Thank you." She smiled through her tears, and bending down, gently took Guntz's body in her arms and placed him in the coffin neatly.
"I'm sorry all this had to happen." With that, and a small, sad sigh, she faded away into thin air. The inhabitants of the Moon could do that.
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I don't want to talk about how we carried him back to Earth, how the funeral was being prepared. Everything was a daze. All I can remember was crying. Crying as soon as morning found me, and crying myself to sleep at night.
Why?
Why my Guntz of all people?
...Yes, 'my' Guntz.
It sounds strange, it's unnatural...
...But I loved Guntz. I still love him - I'll always love him.
I loved him so much.
After that battle, if we made it through safely, I was going to confess my love to him. I, of course, didn't know whether he loved me or not, but I had to tell him anyway, I had to take a chance.
If only I had confessed my love just one day ago.
If only I had told him the night before.
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Guntz's body lay for five days and five nights in the hall of the house where I lived. It was a large house. His body was cleaned and preserved, and he lay there, hands clasped to his chest and wearing that expressionless look on his face. Mourners came from all around the place - but I nearly all the time stayed in my room and cried.
On the third day, I was lying on my bed, clutching my black funeral clothes and just wishing I could die. There was a sound from my door, and Pango came in, holding something like a sheet of paper in his hands.
"Klonoa." He called me softly. I didn't answer. "Klonoa, I know you're awake." Still I didn't respond.
"...I miss him too, Klonoa..."
If someone else had said that I wouldn't have believed them. But because it was Pango, and he was like a father to Guntz, I could believe him. I could feel the pain he was going through, the pain one feels when their companions die. I sat up.
"This is what Guntz wanted, Klonoa - He wanted us to read his will to you." I stared.
"Guntz had a will?"
"Yes. He kept it in his pocket all the time." He sighed. "Maybe... maybe Guntz knew that his time would come."
"Guntz stated here that I should only tell you what he left to you, give it to you and say no more about it." A puzzled frown. "That's slightly odd... but it was what he wanted..." Pango dabbed his eyes for a moment. "He told us to sell all his guns and the RedClan, he wouldn't be needing it anymore. But he asked to be buried with the handguns and his father's rifle. That was what he said so far."
"He left you a pendant and a ring that has been passed down his family for seven generations, and also a third of his money - that comes to fifty thousand Lunads."
I couldn't speak.
"And finally, he left you this. The pendant and ring that the will stated is in here, along with something else - he didn't specify it."
Pango took out a envelope out of his pocket and gave it to me. The envelope had been sealed with a wax seal that wasn't yet broken. I took it, confused about why Guntz would leave me something like this.
"I'll leave now..." Pango stood up to go, but I called him back. "Pango..."
"Hmm?" He turned around. I hesitated slightly, and went over to him and hugged him gently.
"Thank you." I whispered. That was all I could say, but Pango understood. He smiled softly and went out, closing the door behind him.
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I opened the envelope, curiosity overcoming my sadness. I was especially careful about the wax seal, because it had been Guntz's. Guntz had sealed it himself. It was special to me. And I still have the wax seal in my drawer.
A gold ring and a pendant fell out, along with a small package around A6 size. I gently picked up the ring and the pendant, and was instantly immersed.
The ring was slim and beautiful, with a small lapis lazuli and two even smaller aquamarines embedded in the middle. I looked at it, fascinated by the beauty of the ring. "Wow..." I whispered. I stared at it for another while, fingering the gems softly as not to break it. It was sacred to me.
I turned my attention to the pendant after what seemed like forever. The pendant was hanging in a thin gold chain, the pendant itself being a cresent-shaped sapphire with a silver frame. It was absolutely wonderful to look at - just looking at it calmed down my mind.
After that, I finally looked at the package. The shape of it didn't give me any clues; it was just a A6 size rectangle, and that was all. Curious, I unwrapped the paper and looked at the contents.
It was a small notebook.
It looked rather new; not that new, of course. The notebook was plain black and gold, ragged very slightly at the edges. The colour brought back memories of Guntz, my beautiful hunter, and I had to shut my eyes tight to hold back the tears. Not here, not now. Not in front of what Guntz had once owned.
I opened the notebook to the very first page, and realized that he had written in it - he had written a letter to me. I could tell, for he had written 'Dear Klonoa' at the top line. Flicking through the pages, I saw that his swirly handwriting carried on for almost half the notebook. He wrote small, but somehow something had happened that drove Guntz to writing pages and pages, maybe even in one single night. Considering the notebook seemed rather new, it looked like he had bought it only about a month ago. That was around the time we first met.
I started to read the letter.
Every word, every new truth that was revealed punctured my heart.
This was what he wrote.
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Dear Klonoa,
This is the hardest letter I have had to write. Not that I had to write many letters in my lifetime - people usually wrote letters to me, begging not to hurt them. It is one of the many things I regret now.
Where to begin?
I had a tragic past. My mother was murdered in front of our house when I was no more than just a toddler. Hell, I was three. I didn't find out until a year later, when my father told me the truth.
My father was not brutal, Klonoa. He wasn't being cruel to me by telling me the truth. I had wanted to know, no matter how terrible it was. I liked honesty, even when I was that young. So he had sat me down, and told me that my mother had been killed.
I was shocked; How could someone do things like that? Like I said, I was young. Even though I understood that people died and the basic concept of death, but I didn't know that people could kill each other purely out of spite. So young, so innocent and cheerful I was then.
I was very different to what you know of me now.
But then it all changed, with that fateful day.
I was outside, playing and polishing my gun. I was five. I was humming a song that my mother had often hummed herself, and it always calmed me down. Janga, my father's friend at that time, was in the house talking to my father. Suddenly, he just shot out of the house and grabbed me in his arms, claws near my neck. I was too frightened to move, Klonoa. I couldn't even scream.
Then my father ran out of the house, shouting at Janga, but he froze as soon he saw Janga, me struggling in his arms, yelping and scared.
"For god's sake, Janga! Let him go!" He shouted. "It's me you want! Guntz has done nothing wrong!" But that bastard only grinned, and tightened his grip on me. "Butz, honestly you don't really think that I will let your little son go just because of that?" I was bloody terrified by this time.
"Father, what's going on? Father-" I started, but then Janga suddenly glared at me. "Keep quiet, little brat. The adults are talking." I shut up at that.
"Well, if you insist on that, I'll let this kid go - so it will be just the two of us. Not that it'll make much of a difference with your kid in the way." And he dropped me, and I rolled over. But I soon got up.
"Father!" I yelled instantly, running to him. My father stepped forward to take me safely in his arms, but we never made it.
Janga stepped swiftly between us, and drove his claws right through my father's chest.
I don't know what happened at that moment; All I can remember is screaming out in horror as his body slumped onto the ground.
"So much for the best hunter of the West." And laughing, Janga ran and disappeared into the horizon. It had started raining.
I ran to my father; he was still breathing, thank god. I shook him gently.
"Father... wake up, please... Janga's gone.." I tried.
"... Guntz..."
"Yes..?"
"Take this." And then with a bloodstained, trembling hand, he ripped off the Hero Medal from his clothes, and passed it to me shakily.
"Stop Janga... stop him, Guntz..." He muttered. His vision was fading, and I could see that his eyes were clouding over.
"I'm sorry... for leaving you behind... I just wish..." I saw his tears for the first time. "I just wish... I could protect you... I love you, my son."
"I love you too... father..." I whispered. I was crying without realizing it. "I love you."
"I'm sorry, Guntz..." And with that, my only parent, my only guardian drew his last breath.
I don't know how long I stayed there, crying and crying like mad. I was horrified and disbelieving. I must have been there for hours. In the end the villagers, who found me and my father that night, found out that I had collapsed in the rain due to total exhaustion. So I'd cried until I fainted.
I can't talk about the rest of my childhood. It couldn't even be called childhood in my opinion. A period of time when I was addicted to my thoughts of revenge, more like. I grew permanently cold and uncaring. By the time I was fifteen I didn't know what I was anymore. The little, young, carefree kid of five had gone, replaced with a sharp, cruel teenager. A hunter. Deadly. I had no idea what was the real me and what wasn't.
But then, after I had just turned sixteen, I met you.
You were so innocent, so young and most people would have called you sweet. You were nothing to me at that time; just an annoying little kid. The truth was... well, the truth was that I was jealous of you.
You had simplicity, innocence I never retained. I wanted to be young again, to be rid of this heavy burden upon my back. But I couldn't. So I acted like I couldn't stand you, didn't like you and even,hated you. Klonoa, you weren't affected. You still clung to me, weren't afraid to admit to your weaknesses, honest and caring with me. In all those lonely years, you were the first to care.
And I pushed you away. I hurt you, and abandoned you. I can't forgive myself for that.
I first realized that I did care for you, did like you in Volk City. You had won me over with what you had said - 'If we lose, we can't win anything.' So obvious. Yet what I had been missing, what I had been overlooking all this time.
So we set off together, and unfortunately, failed to rescue your friend. I felt very, very terrible - although I hardly knew her, she looked like a kind, caring girl. And... it... kind of felt like... I was losing a friend of mine when we had to step back, and watch helplessly as she was carried away in the rocket, screaming. By Janga.
I haven't told you this before. But have you noticed that I had another gun in my hands when you met me in Volk City again? It was, unbelievably, my father's gun. I haven't told anyone before, but I can tell you, I can trust you.
When I came to Volk City, I was in hot pursuit of Janga. I had tracked him down to there, and fighting Moos and all those bloody Glibz and Boomies all along the way, and finally caught up with Janga.
"Kii... What a persistant brat you are! So tiresome!" Janga snarled when he saw me.
"I told you! I'll run after you even till the end of hell!" I yelled back. Janga smirked.
"How impressive... but all in vain." He grinned, showing his sharp white teeth. I clenched my own teeth at that.
"What the heck do you mean?"
"This." With that, he lunged towards me, and punched me in the stomach. I was unprepared for that attack, and went down as easy as anything. So I lay there, cursing and clutching my stomach, trying to get up. By the time I did get up, Janga had pulled out a rifle and was pointing it to my head.
"I don't bother with my poison claws - they're too valuable to waste on a brat like you. Instead, I'll give you this - go alone to hell!" He shouted like a maniac.
"Damn... you...!!" Was all I could say at that, I was just so furiously angry. He grinned madly.
"Get along with your precious father in hell. Farewell." And with that, he pulled the trigger.
All I can remember is pain. Shooting through my body, taking over my self control. And I blacked out completely for a moment.
When I woke up, I thought I had died and gone to hell, as Janga had said. He had long since gone. But then I realized that my father's rifle was draped across my body, carelessly as if it had been thrown there. I didn't know how I was alive - but then I saw the gold bullet, lying next to me. It was on the floor next to my chest, where the Hero Medal was pinned. It had deflected the bullet. It had saved my life.
"I see... " I whispered. I took up my father's rifle, feeling it in my hands. It had been so big before, I could barely hold it when I was five. But time had passed, and it was now only as heavy as my mini bazooka. I thought that I could still feel the warmth of my father's hands there, and for a minute I could almost feel his hands stroking my head, praising me for what new technique I had perfected, and his warmth as he had hugged me as always every night, telling me that he was proud of me and would always love me. And then, I sat there and wept. Wept for damn near half an hour, I guess. I suddenly wanted my father so much, I was tired of living my life like this. I longed for just one day - just one day with my father. I clutched his rifle to my heart, holding it as if my life depended on it.
One day, Klonoa... That's not much to ask for. Just one day, just twenty-four hours. That... isn't too much to ask.
So that was how I learnt my new attack, Shinigami Rush. My anger and determination fueled me, along with my father's spirit. I vowed to keep running after Janga even if it meant my life as well. And when I met you and Pango, my so-called hatred for you faded. It was replaced with a feeling I didn't know of until that night.
When we had to go into an inn for the night before we set off, we each took separate bedrooms. That wasn't anything spectacular or anything. But around midnight, you came into my room, and stood there, watching me.
"Guntz." You called softly, waking me up. I got up and looked around a bit before I saw you. You were shivering in the chill of the night.
"You're still there..." You murmured. "I don't feel... safe, Guntz. Can I... can I sleep with you tonight?"
You looked so frightened and insecure that night - it momentarily gave me a flashback of myself years ago. I hesitated and nodded.
"Alright... come in." You nodded back, and climbed into my bed. There was a pause, but then you suddenly grabbed me in a hug, shouting, "Never leave me like that again, Guntz!"
I should say, I was never more shocked.
"I missed you... so much..." You sobbed, burrowing into my chest. "Don't leave me again!" And with that, you broke down and cried into my chest. I was now painfully aware how lost, how scared you must have been. No matter how mature you were, you were still young and depended on your friends a lot. I awkwardly wrapped my arms around you, returning your hug.
"I'm sorry, Klonoa... I'm sorry..." I murmured into your ear, trying to calm you down. That seemed to last forever.
Afterwards, I lay awake, looking down at you. You had cried yourself to sleep in my arms. I stroked your back gently, feeling guilty for abandoning you, and you shifted and nuzzled deeper into my chest, purring. I couldn't believe it. You had begun to purr. In my arms, nonetheless.
It was then I realized that...
... That I loved you.
You approached me. You were so sweet to me, and I had fallen for you sometime during the journey. I hadn't seen it because I was too wrapped up in thoughts of revenge. I realized that then, that I loved you so much. I loved you as a lover, not like the way you love a friend.
The concept made my eyes water for some reason.
I started to touch you gently, as not to hurt you. You were precious to me. Like a priceless jewel - no, more than that. You seemed to like it. But maybe... maybe that was because you didn't know who was touching you. It broke my heart to have you so close, to have your body touching mine, yet being unable to take you for my own or even tell you that I loved you so much. Yet I allowed myself one touch - one touch that was forbidden.
I kissed you on the cheek.
You leaned into my kiss, and I stopped, afraid of waking you. Afraid of being framed. You were too valuable. I couldn't lose you. So while you slept, I stayed awake, torment littering my mind. Love was painful. But it was worth it - You, at least, slept, and your mind was on ease. That was what mattered to me.
And the business in the Moon.
I had never been more scared, Klonoa. I thought you would die. When you threw yourself in front of me, like that, and those red claws slashed your chest open... it was like watching my father die in front of me again. You screamed and crumpled to the floor, curled up and trembling with fear and pain. I shot at Janga like crazy, not caring about the bullets I was wasting on that cretin. He laughed his scream-like laugh once more, called us fools - and disappeared forever into the crevasse of the Moon.
I ran to you first, not even stopping to celebrate my revenge on him at last. You were a million times more important than Janga.
"Klonoa! Oh god, Klonoa!" I yelled, turning you over. I could see that your eyes were shut tightly, your face deathly pale. The front of your shirt was all bloody and slashed. The sight made me feel sick - half from all that blood and half from the fear that I was going to lose you forever.
"Guntz... hehe..." You smiled despite the pain. It made me feel even more terrible. "You're okay... that's what matters..."
"Where are you hurt?" I cried, unzipping your shirt to look at the damage.
I swear to you...
It was so horrifying, I had to turn my head away and take deep breaths, or else I would have thrown up.
When it all subsided, I gently zipped your shirt back again, but pressing it softly to try to stop the blood flow - you were bleeding badly. Too badly. You whimpered quietly at that, and I stopped, afraid of hurting you more than you already were.
"Janga...?" You whispered. Despite the situation you paid more attention to what had happened to him than yourself. I bit my lip, unsure what to say, but Pango answered for me.
"The crevasse swallowed him up. He fell into the ground of the Moon." You smiled weakly again, and nodded. "I see..."
"Klonoa! Klonoa, come on! I promise you'll be alright!" I said, although it was a lie. Janga's claws were always smeared with poison. If he hadn't substituted his usual poison for a nightmare one, you wouldn't have been talking to me at all because you would have died instantly. But I didn't know what poison he had used at the time.
"I'm fine.. we'll be alright, and we'll rescue Lolo... and Pango's son..." You whispered, almost in a daze.
"Yes. We will return safely!" Pango encouraged. But it couldn't stop your body reacting to the poison.
"But... I'm a little..." Your head lolled to the side, your eyes closing slowly. I was panicking.
"Klonoa, no!" I shouted frantically, trying to keep you awake. But it was in vain.
"...sleep...y..." And with that, your hand dropped limply and you fell into a long, silent, deathly sleep.
"Klonoa..." I didn't know what else to do. I was blank with shock, not believing you were dying. Pango was telling me that you were still breathing and happened to be in a deep sleep or coma, but I hardly noticed what he was saying until a few minutes had passed.
"Come on." Pango murmured. "There's an antidote in the Lunar Base. We have to get there." I nodded, and tore off a strip of my shirt to serve as a small bandage for your wound. I wouldn't have done it for anyone else, but you were far more important. I couldn't let you, my only love, die. After that I heaved you up on my back. All those years of carrying around heavy firearms paid off, I guess.
I won't explain all the crap we had to go through to reach the Lunar Base. It's too painful to explain - I was going crazy with worry all the time, it's a miracle I managed to remember a few incidents while traveling there.
When we actually got there, Pango found the antidote in a minute. He is such a brilliant person, Klonoa. He was like a father I always wanted, I always longed for and never got back. I love Pango like my own father.
Anyway, when he found it, we unwrapped the bandage and looked again. Pango looked rather green - that was the first time he'd seen your wound, remember. I felt nothing except for a sick, hollow feeling in my stomach. A lot of your blood had dried and formed some blackish-red gunge all over your chest. It was a real miracle that you'd survived those few hours.
"We'll have to wash it first - Janga sure did a lot of damage." Pango managed to say. I could see that he was shaking slightly. I only nodded and led you into a facility in the Base, where it had water. Pango watching over the entire operation, I gently washed out your wound. Once you whimpered and flinched, and I held you, silently coaxing you back into peace. Pango wiped his eyes at that, and although no one saw it, I was crying a bit too.
When all that finished, Pango took out the antidote and motioned for me to hold you up slightly - you would have choked on the antidote if you were lying down while Pango gave it to you, and that was the very last thing we wanted. I did as Pango asked, and he poured the contents down your throat.
Surprisingly, you didn't react much. You did tense and shudder, but that was it. But it made me even more worried; if you weren't reacting to anything we were doing to you, it meant that your condition was serious. We bandaged and sewed up your wound and laid you down on a bed. You needed ten whole stitches in total - it was so horrible.
"That's all we can do for him. The rest..." Pango trailed off and closed his eyes. "...will be up to Klonoa himself." He turned to me, and I could see my expression mirrored in his. We both loved you. In different ways, but it was love nonetheless. I only felt a sickening, heavy feeling tugging at my mind, and also... guilt.
Guilt! The sense that something was my fault, that I had done something wrong! I had never really felt guilty for the murders, for all the pain I had caused. But now, when I opened up to you and started to love you and want you, the guilt feelings started to creep up again. And you were just lying there, all your innocent, careless and bright charm gone, cold and silent. We weren't even sure that you would wake up. And when I saw you like that, everything, the emotions I had refused to feel, everything I should have felt sad and guilty about, flooded my mind. I had showed Janga mercy, mercy he didn't deserve, and you were hovering between life and death because I had weakened. It was my fault that you were dying. I had never felt more helpless. I was aching with love for you, so much love, but I couldn't tell you. Because it wasn't natural. But I could have had a chance. Only, at that time, I thought I had thrown away every chance of being with you or - hell, just confessing my love to you.
It was too much for me to bear. I bade Pango a quick goodnight, went to a room, locked the door, fell on the bed and curled up, shivering.
I was so scared.
I've never been like that. I had only been that frightened once in my life, and that was eleven years ago. It was, I should say, an unpleasant, but realistic deja vu. Fate was so cruel; at this point I was starting to think it wasn't meant to be. Maybe I didn't love you at all. But I didn't stick to those thoughts. It was no use denying my love.
For two days you lay like that. No response at all. We were beginning to worry about the nightmare waves in the moon - if one of them had caught you (and they did - lucky you fought your way out) you would have had absolutely no chance of waking up. The poison was still affecting you, and we had to give you antidotes every five hours - but it was worth it. It brought you back.
The third day, I sat by your bedside, watching you. Pango came in, I heard him, but I paid little to no attention to him.
"Guntz, you should rest. You hardly slept or ate anything during those two days." He said softly. I closed my eyes and buried my head into the sheets, but I don't recall myself replying. Pango hesitated and sat down next to me.
"You're being too hard on yourself, Guntz." He continued, and sighed. "I think I can guess what happened to you before." I heard it but I was just so dizzy I couldn't co-ordinate my surroundings, let alone think of a reply. Then I must have said something that didn't make much sense because Pango really began to look worried at whatever came out of my mouth.
"You've experienced loss before, haven't you."
I heard those words clearly and they cut a path through my endless, crowded thoughts. I sat up slowly.
"How do you know that, Pango?" I asked, or slurred, more like.
"I can see it. You've had a traumatic past, possibly due to a loss of one of your parents." Pango took hold of my shoulders gently. "Don't deny it, Guntz. I'm a father myself. I know that look in your eyes."
"You're right..." I muttered. "I did lose someone... yes..."
"Who?" He asked me as gently as he did last time.
"...My father. And my mother too. But I never knew her much. It was my father I saw dying." I replied flatly. But Pango's tone was getting the better of me. He wasn't commanding or bossing me around in any way. He just listened calmly, only nodding at my responses. I could really talk to him; he was the first I had really talked to in years.
You're the second... and probably the last one.
"You were an orphan, I take it." Pango said quietly. I stared at him. Pango knew everything. I couldn't deny a word he said to me, and also he seemed to see through me in everything and I had no chance of getting around him. I had definitely not told him when I lost my father. I hadn't even told him my age either, so my father could have died when I was already old enough to look after myself.
But Pango knew me.
"Yes." Was the only thing I could say at that point. After that, so much emotions, those I had tried to block out, flooded my mind, taking over me.
I broke down completely and wept.
I was so frightened, exhausted and tired of living. I can't explain how I felt at the time. My body took over my mind, and I just cried for a long time on Pango's shoulder. I don't think I even managed to say anything, try to explain why I was crying.
"There, there..." Pango sighed, rubbing my back. It was soothing, but it was still a raw, painful reminder of what I had missed over the years - love.
"Oh, Pango - I'm sorry, I just don't know what to do!" I cried, and that was the only thing I managed to say. For almost an hour we stayed like that.
Finally, my tears stopped flowing and the sobs were silenced. I was more exhausted than ever, and the last thing I remember is Pango saying "It's alright to grieve. Tears can heal - now do go to sleep, Guntz."
That's exactly what I did, I guess. I woke up curled beside your bed, my head just next to yours. You were still unconscious, and there was no one else in the room - I think Pango was in his own chamber at the time. I'm not sure where he was.
I got up soon and looked closely into your face, hoping desperately to reach you. Your face was very straight and blank - too blank - and it frightened me. You didn't even react to my touch. I sighed, running my fingers lightly over your cheek, hoping you'd wake up. And that was when I started to talk to you.
"Klonoa, can you hear me?" I started. "All those things I said to you in Jugkettle and in the Moon's ruins... I didn't mean it. I never meant to hurt you, Klonoa. I'm sorry..." I laid my head down next to yours at this point. "... It was my fault. It's because I was selfish. And yet... you still stood by me..." I was practically crying now. "I'm sorry, Klonoa, I'm sorry! I never... never wanted this to... happen..." Chokng back my sobs, I whispered the forbidden words.
"I love you..."
... That was when I comitted my greatest crime.
I kissed you again. And full on the lips.
Oh, no amount of the word 'sorry' can ever explain what I feel right now. I didn't want to steal your first kiss, I only wanted you to be happy. Although I must admit, I felt happy when I kissed you.
But as soon as I pulled away, guilt came flooding into my mind.
I knew that you would never love me. You were much better off with someone else, like Lolo. I mean - who would everwant someone like me? I'm not a saint; far from it. I've stolen, hunted and killed countless times. I don't deserve to be with someone so innocent, so wonderful like you are. You were never meant to be defiled by me.
But I did so.
And it's driving me crazy.
I kissed you and watched you for a long time, and then... you woke up.
That was the most confusing moment of my life, should I say. I was overjoyed, yet I also felt rather embarassed and guilty. That was why I pretended I didn't care whether you woke up or not, and I wasn't concerned at all.
But I didn't mean any of what I'd said that day.
So where am I now?
I'm in the inn with you and Pango, having just defeated Garlen. You're asleep, and Pango is too, but I'm staying up writing this.
How long have I been writing for? I'd say three hours now. I started about an hour after you two had fallen asleep, and it's midnight. But I'm far from finishing what I want to say.
Klonoa, my love, if you're reading this, then it is either because I'm dead and gone in the fighting with Nahatomb, or years have passed since the battle and I wanted you to read it for some reason. I highly doubt it's the latter, though. I've kept many secrets in my life, and if we did manage to survive, I would burn this notebook and... I don't know, maybe just tell you what I feel...
Or I may not say anything at all.
I wonder how you feel now that you've read all this.
Disgusted at me, most likely. I know. I'm ashamed of myself too, for defiling you and many other crimes I've comitted before that. That's why I plan to end my life in the battle tomorrow.
It is likely that I won't survive.
If you are angry and disgusted at my confessions, then I cannot blame you for wanting to get rid of my possesions. They are yours now; you can do whatever you want with them. I would have liked you to keep them, but if you do not wish to do so - it's entirely up to you.
I'm sorry.
For everything I've done.
The way I pushed your kindness away, and the way I've mistreated you... I can't forget those things. You meant the world to me, and I was too foolish to realize it. No words can ever explain how sorry I am.
I ask for just two things, though.
Settle down with someone good for you, Klonoa. Love is a beautiful thing. The few days I spent loving you were the happiest days of my life. Be free when you love someone. Love can be painful sometimes, but the happiness alone is worth it all. I learnt that when you came along.
Secondly, don't waste your time grieving over someone or something. Don't waste your life like I have done. I was too blinded, too obsessed by revenge. If only I could turn back time - if only I could correct all the things I have done... You must accept that life is like that.
I couldn't, but you can.
That's all I want, Klonoa. I only want you to be happy and content. If you live your life to the fullest...
... I would be happy.
Please forgive me for my sins. May the Goddess Claire be with you always. You're just mere feet away from me, and I can just wake you up now, tell you of my dreadful past and confess my love. You might save my life.
But I cannot bear the look that will be in your eyes.
I love you,
Guntz.
---------------------------------------------
I stopped reading at that point, although I could see that the writing carried on for another few pages. I snapped the book shut, throwing it in my drawer.
Guntz had loved me. And we'd never known about the way we felt about each other. I felt so lost and sick; if I had had more courage, I would have confessed. If I had, then we would be alive still, laughing and enjoying life to the fullest.
But it was impossible now. And all because I didn't have courage.
I buried my head on the pillows, and allowed all my tears to come.
---------------------------------------------
That night, I went down to the hall when everyone was asleep. Guntz's coffin was still in the hall; that was a relief. I walked over quietly and sat down, looking down at the coffin, into Guntz's pale, blank face. Tears didn't come anymore - my grief was beyond crying. I reached down and stroked his hair gently, feeling the softness.
"Guntz..."
I tried to get the words out, but I must say, I don't think I managed to pour out all my thoughts to him that night.
"... I read your letter."
He couldn't hear me, of course; his face remained blank. I sighed and continued:
"If only I'd told you, Guntz... why didn't you wake me up that night? That way... we would have survived. But it isn't your fault. I wish I'd told you sooner, Guntz-" I smiled through tearful eyes. "We could have had weeks... months... years maybe..." I caressed his smooth cheek, the golden fur silky beneath my fingers. "Only... it's too late now..." I closed my eyes, and said nothing for a while.
"I love you..."
I bent down and gave him a kiss on the lips after I'd said that.
It was something I'd wanted to do since I'd fallen in love with him. I couldn't really imagine myself kissing anyone even then, but the fact that his lips had touched mine - when I learnt that fact, my hesitation just melted away.
I couldn't imagine myself with any other person besides Guntz. I still can't.
His lips were still soft despite rigor mortis setting in days before, but oh, so cold; it was like kissing velvet that had been left out on a winter night. Nevertheless, I had gotten my wish, I'd kissed him and confessed my love.
That was enough for tonight.
I laid my head down on his chest, on his cold, but beautiful and silky black-and-gold fur where I fell asleep.
Ah, of course I couldn't stay there for long; when dawn broke, I was awakened by the faint light coming from outside. I knew that people would be coming down here shortly, and I couldn't face that. I looked at Guntz's body still lying there, tranquil and emotionless as ever.
"I'll be back," I whispered, and gave him a small peck on the lips. And I crept up to my room and curled up in the bed, shivering, faintly hearing the household inhabitants waking up and going downstairs.
It had been so close.
I closed my eyes and slept, both looking forward and dreading the day - I couldn't bear to face another day, but that night I would be able to visit Guntz again. The best thing to do was to sleep during the day and stay awake at night.
My lips tingled as I thought of the kiss I'd given my hunter - it had been beautiful, even though he was dead, and didn't return my kiss. I wondered what it would have felt like if we'd kissed when he was alive.
-------
I slept fitfully during the day, only coming outside to have a shower and get some food. Other than that, I spent the day either sleeping or fingering the ring and pendant Guntz had left to me. It gave me comfort, if only a little. I kept staring at the drawer, wanting to see if the letter and all the things Guntz had written did indeed exist. Half of my mind wished it to be all a dream, for the whole painful history of Guntz to never have happened. But if the letter had been a dream, then his confession of love would have been one, as well.
That night, I went downstairs and sat next to Guntz again, talking softly of the future I had dreamed of with him, and how it could never happen now. I also had to come to terms with the fact that Guntz's funeral was near, and he would be buried shortly.
But I didn't worry about it that night.
No, not that night. I still had so much to confess.
But the fifth, and last night was different. I wept and wept, knowing that I would never see Guntz again. Sure, he was dead, but for five short days his body had been downstairs, and that had given me comfort. I couldn't cope without him. I had no photos of him, and he would be buried for ever the next day. I was scared that I would forget his appearence, and that my love would remain only as an eternal memory. His burial would be a second loss to me - I couldn't bear to lose him again.
But the burial came anyway.
I couldn't go to the funeral. It was too much for me. I couldn't cry; I was too weak, to exhausted and overwhelmed for that. I simply stared into space, that's all. I held the sapphire cresent pendant and the ring in my hand, but I did nothing with them. I was dying inside myself.
That was when I remembered the letter again.
I opened my drawer and looked once more, bringing out the notebook. I flicked through the pages idly, not really paying attention. I just wanted to seek comfort, I guess. And the words he'd written wasn't exactly what you might call comfortable.
But then when I reached the end of the letter, I remembered that there had been more writing on the next page. I thought it would be something irrelevant, like a draft of his will, of something like that. I flicked the page.
I froze as soon as the first sentence came into view.
When will you forgive yourself, Klonoa?
I dropped the notebook, but it stayed open to that page. For a wild moment I wondered if Guntz had been alive and hiding all the time; but that was impossible. Plucking up the courage, I picked the notebook up and started to read again.
-------
If you are reading this, I take it that you have forgiven me. Even if you have not, please read this.
I slept for two hours and now the dawn is breaking. You're still asleep. I can write this now, although I don't have much time left. I wrote my will the night you regained conciousness from Janga's poison - I'd been planning it for that long. Do not be surprised.
I was... not a very good person, Klonoa. No, worse. Downright evil. But even the most evilest of all can breathe and talk, and that is what I will do before I leave Lunatea for ever.
You know that ring? Have you still kept it? It's a wedding ring, and it was my mother's. I've left it to you... because I love you, Klonoa, and I like to think of it as a kind of engagement, in a way. If you have indeed forgiven me, and by some heavenly chance return even a little of my feelings, please keep it. It's more than I can hope for.
And that pendant... try opening it. It's that song my mother used to hum to herself, and later I sought faith from that song. I have a feeling you may know it, for you have the air of one who is enlightened, and by that song as well.
Don't be sad, Klonoa. Your smile was what kept me going, what fueled me to come this far. I don't want to leave tears and anger behind. I've had too much of that. Instead, I will be content with one last smile from you.
That's all I ask of you.
And look at the back.
-------
I looked dumbly at the back of the notebook, and found sketches - quick, visual pictures of me, of Pango, and of himself. He was portrayed as depressed, and Pango as fatherly, but every quick, rough sketches of me had me smiling. He had spent the most time and care into sketches of me. Also taped the back were two photos. One was of him as a child, smiling and laughing innocently. I couldn't help but stare; he looked so innocent and sweet. That had been the real Guntz, the one covered up by the vision created with vengefulness and hate. The other one was of him as a teenager, his innocence gone and various negative emotions etched into his face, but still smiling softly. It was a genuine smile, a faraway one, but perfect.
I closed the notebook, my head still whirling. I picked up the pendant and looked at it, wondering how to open it. It just seemed like a flawless sapphire to me. But my fingers found a hinge, and the pendant sprang open, playing a orgol song.
It was the Song of Rebirth.
Instantly, all the pieces of the puzzle fell into place, and I started to weep, but out of happiness. Guntz was gone forever, I had to accept that. But he had left behind love, despite his life. Finally, he was in peace, and he would be happier if I was, too. He hadn't wanted me to grieve. He was happy where he was, and he loved me, even in death. He was free, after all the years.
It's been a full month since then. I can't forget him, nor do I want to. I visit his grave every day, talking to him sometimes, and other than that, my life returned to normal. No one will forget him, never, but scarred minds will heal, and he would be remembered as a loyal friend - to me, he's remembered as a lover.
I can't help but feel sometimes, and I go to the back shed sometimes to talk to him, only to remember that he isn't there. But I read his words and flick through his sketches and two photos, and as for the moment, it's the best I can get. I try not to be sad, though, because I know there's little point in grieving. Guntz is still alive in our memories and hearts, and I laugh and smile more often, now that I know that he's okay.
He lives in every smile I give away.
----------------------------------------------------
To be honest with you, I think the only best part of this ficcie was the ending and Guntz's letter. I'm so useless at writing in Klonoa's POV and trying to make the character seem hurting and sorrowful, yet still innocent and sweet. I just don't know how to do that. The Guntz x Klonoa element kind of got lost as well. x.x
Are tears running down your legs? I highly doubt it. It was depressing and weird, but I worked on this for half a year... what do you say to that? It's not brilliant, the world has seen a few hundred thousand better fics. But it's good enough for me, and I'm proud of it.
Now for a decent sleep...