Too Late

Disclaimer: I do not own Beyblade characters in any way.

Warnings: Yaoi (male x male) – don't like, don't read.

Pairing: Ray/Kai, implied Lee/Ray

Summary: Too late to make you happy… I can just try not to make you unhappy.

A/N: A story about what happens when you don't take your chance. Written from a sudden stir of my weird thoughts ; Poetry used here is mine, from two separate poems, so don't expect it to be too connected.

Dedicated to my one and only Misako-chan XD HAPPY B-DAY!!!

Lee's POV.

Have I ever made you listen?

I think not;

there has always been this knot

in my throat when I should've spoken

You know what's the absolutely stupidest thing in the whole world? No? I'll tell you. Someone confesses to you – in fact, imagine that the person is your best friend. You freak out and run away, because you've never considered yourself gay. Then, the person disappears for a while… and now comes the stupid part - some months after that, you realize that you're no longer certain about your own feeling towards that person, because it's not possible to miss just a friend the way you miss him.

"Lee, stop pouting and help me with this!" Ray calls out and grins at me, showing his teeth with slightly longer canines. That smile is absolutely charming and it pins me to the chair from which I was just rising. I have no clue about why I was so stupid and yelled at him then, three years ago, when he told me he liked me. But it's too late now…

It's getting way too late

for me to realize it now

you were never just a mate

and I'd rather die than let you know

when you're happy as you are

without my sentimental crap

and my love-life's trap

of which you're the bait

my only star

„How's it going?" A familiar deep voice with a slight Russian accent echoes from behind me and I feel strong urge to turn around and use that knife I'm holding in a more brutal and satisfying way.

Or at least run away from here.

I do turn around, but instead of killing certain someone, I watch that someone wrap his arms possessively around Ray's shoulders. Kai loves him, that is certain, but it still hurts deeply. Even if I would do anything to make Ray happy, it hurts. And the worst part is that I can't bring myself to really hate Kai, because Ray loves him. Ray's content smile and a slight purr when Kai kisses him speak too loudly against my killing intent.

Damn, it would be easier if I could at least cry. But no… no matter how tightly is my chest squeezed by that invisible force whenever I see them together, I can't shed a tear for my own stupidity.

I'd give everything I have

and have never had

to make a single tear

hold the pain I bear

I never imagined it would be this bad.

"Excellent," Ray purrs into Kai's ear and I turn away, trying to look busy with cutting the vegetables, just so I don't have to look at Kai's stray hand on Ray's butt. I imagine the face with blue triangles on the cabbage and I cut it more violently than intended. Somehow, I'm angrier with myself, because I'm not brave enough to voice my thoughts, to hold him and kiss him and tell him what I want to say. But then again – he wouldn't be happy if I did that. And I want to see his smile, even if it's driving me mad that all those smiles will never belong to me.

My throat's squeezed tight

by your own hand - I see lights

no wristcuts or that kind of shit

or maybe inhaling some gas a bit

though I'd like to leave

I'm too weak for suicidal notes

maybe I will just leave

let no one know my whereabouts

that would be simple. Don't you think?

I thought about it, sure. Just a slight cut, just if my knife slipped a bit… yeah. I have this kind of thoughts more and more often. I morbidly bask in the planning of my own death, but still I'm unable to carry it on. Because Ray would be unhappy. That thought is like a mantra to me, I repeat it in my head like a stereo tape and it's the only think that keeps me away from suicide or at least hysterical screaming every time Ray hugs me and tells me he's glad to have a friend as good as me.

you happy and content and me listening

to all you have to say

and I'm hugging you to my dismay

because this dreadful feeling's lingering

And I'm here now, here in cold Russia, where it's freezing just like my whole being every time I realize it more and more clearly that Ray will never belong to me, not for a single second. If I just wasn't stupid at that time… but there's no time for my brooding. I'm the chef now, the chef who helps to prepare a wedding. Or a funeral, from my point of view as I can't imagine Ray marrying him. Or, to be honest, I can, I just don't want to. Because every time I do, every time Ray asks me for some tiny detail about the reception or asks me for my opinion about his outfit… every single time I feel this is wrong. It could be me, fussing over Ray and the whole ceremony, feeling nervous and happy at the same time, it could be me in Ray's arms. If I just wasn't stupid that time.

…that would be simple. Don't you think?

but being a masochist I am

I will stay, watch you and sink

even deeper into this requiem

for love long lost and never found

and the world keeps turnin' round

even if it's too late

to say something about LOVE

I know I should have declined, when Ray asked me to help him with preparations. I know I should, but the idea of him being disappointed was unbearable. Ray wanted me to be here… he moved on to Kai and forgot what had happened years ago. I tried, but I couldn't, it keeps haunting me and I wake up with cold sweat dripping from my forehead and stinging in my eyes, a lame excuse for the tears I try to wipe away. Almost every night, I wake up and wonder why the hell I wasn't able of saying anything. When I realized I loved Ray, we were on the other ends of the world and I thought it could wait. I thought I loved him strongly enough and that that feeling would remain… that he can't change his mind that easily.

Well… my bad.

So forgive me for nothing I've done

I'm sorry for things you will never miss

maybe one day I will grow a backbone

to tell you what has been amiss

with us and with me alone.

"What's wrong? You look like shit," he grins and hugs me again. I can't push him away, because this friendly and - for me – empty hug is the only opportunity to have him close to me, to feel his warmth against my body and to inhale the sweet and spicy scent of his long hair.

"It's nothing… and you should be worrying about yourself. In an hour, you'll be Mrs. Hiwatari," I tease him and he hits me in the shoulder, not really meaning it and laughing silently. His big eyes look up at me, full of emotions and fear and he hugs me even tighter.

"Lee… I'm afraid. I do love him… but this whole thing scares the hell out of me. It's too… final. You know what I mean?"

Yeah… yeah, I do. It means that you'll be out of my reach forever. That I'll spend my whole life watching you from the distance, watching you in the arms of another man and I'll never be able to be close to you. Not in the way I want it… that's final.

I brush some stray hair out of his face and smile at him reassuringly. He needs it – that's why I'm here, to support him. Not to jump him and kiss him and beg for his forgiveness… he doesn't need that, so I tell him the only thing he does need to hear.

"Don't be silly. This is what you want and you know it. So stop freaking out and get your ass into that white shit."

His eyes widen and I'd swear he looks like a pregnant woman who was just told she's fat.

"Do I look weird in that? I thought so, I should have…"

I place a hand over his rambling mouth and a slight movement of his lips on my palm almost makes my knees give out. Gods, I love you… I think, but instead, I just smile and lightly push him towards his bed. Unfortunately not to make love to him on that bed until mattress would be thoroughly damaged. On that bed, there is a white silk kimono. His wedding robe… sounds weird to me and I just smile again, though only I know how much I have to force myself to do so.

"You look stunning in it. Now, get dressed."

His eyes are bright once again, though that fear hasn't disappeared.

"Thanks, Lee…"

Goodbye, my lover, cries the radio

I wish I could say that to you

but not having guts to be a fool

to lose anything that was never my own

I never made you listen.

You look like a fairy tale, you're a dream come true in that white silk. However, the dream's not mine…

"Go," I whisper, because there's nothing more I could say. And because for the first time I feel like crying – really crying, tears well up in my eyes and I know I can't hold them anymore.

And it's bad, because you are still staring at me, not giving me a chance for some decency. You even look sorry, as if you knew what's been bothering me all this time. You reach out your hand, perfectly clean and manicured just for today, and your pale, somewhat skinny fingers catch those goddamned tears running down my cheeks.

"Go," I whisper again, silently pleading for something that is not granted to me as you step even closer and I smell cinnamon from you. It reminds me of when we were kids, you used to smell the same way and I don't know how you achieved that same scent today, but it hurts somehow – to know that the scent that belonged only and solely to me (or at least I thought so), was to belong to another man. This is your childhood's smell, the smell of times you were mine, even if at that time I didn't want it.

"Lee…" you obviously don't know what to say. It seems you understand… you always understand when I don't need you to. Even this ridiculous monologue in my head, you know, don't you, Ray? Love…?

You smile a bit, apologetically it seems to me… and lean forward. Your silky, cold and soft lips touch mine, salty and rough from all that biting I've done these past days. It's just the briefest of all moments, but still, it's enough to make my tears flow even more easily from my eyes. I know there's nothing sexual in that kiss, it's just a silent thanks and maybe even sorry, though I doubt you really know why you're apologizing.

You run off to the handsome man – he washed down his blue triangles for today.

Because today is special.

Today is finally too late.

…forever my love, and never mine

I take a long sip of this wine

sour and thick and heavy in my chest

as I lay my heart to eternal rest.

Owari

Let me know how you liked it… well… IF you liked it. XD