"No."

I couldn't believe my ears. No?! After everything and everyone she's done in her life she says no to this, to me? How can I not be insulted by this?

"Thank Christ!"

Banky doesn't want to either. For some reason this hurts more than Alyssa's rejection. Yet, feeling insulted by Banky is the last thing I'm feeling…Banky ignites more of a feeling of curiosity and something else. Disappointment maybe? Why did he agree to it in the first place then? As quickly as I think of that question the answer immediately pops into my head. For me. He was going to go through with this insane request just because I asked him to. This flattery warms my heart. Wait, why do I care so much about this? Why are my thoughts so focused on my best friend when I should be paying closer attention to my girlfriend?

"You don't want this Holden."

"Yes I do. I've thought about this over and over and I'm sure of it. It's the only way to make things work for all of us."

I glance over at Banky, his eyes are closed and his bottom lip has a slight tremble to it. I think he's doing all he can to keep himself from crying. I did that. I hurt him. All I want to do is make it better, but I honestly have no idea how. I'd go to him now, but I'm worried that'd just make things worse. For the first time in 20 years I'm at a loss with how to talk to Banky. I suppose it's just as well since apparently Alyssa has more to say.

"See that's what I'm talking about. "all of us"? Why include Banky in this at all? If you truly just wanted to be on par with me then why not ask me to bring one of my girlfriends to bed with us? Or try some toys? Or role play? There are plenty of ways to get you some more experience that don't involve your best friend who happens to be in love with you. Your best friend that, apparently, you're attracted to. How can you not see just how worse this would make everything?"

Now she's crying. I'm crying too and I don't even know when I started. I look back at Banky and his head is turned away, but his hand is wiping at his face, and it kills me that I just keep hurting him. I never meant to hurt anyone. This was just meant to be a solution to just get things back to where they were before. When things were easier. I just wanted a girlfriend that doesn't lie to me and my best friend to stop bitching so much. That's where I fucked up, because I was just focusing on what I wanted. I obviously didn't think hard enough on what these two wanted. Alyssa's done with her wild ways and just wants to settle down with me. Which probably would've happened if she hadn't lied about her past. Banky may bitch, but it's his way of being brutally honest with me. He's never lied to me and I have never lied to him. But, I think we both have been lying to ourselves. Banky just bitched so much about Alyssa because he was so scared of losing me to her. I pretended not to notice how much he cares for me, because I didn't want to deal with fact that I care just as much for him. Damn, is Alyssa still talking?

"Holden, you have to choose. I think Banky can agree with me when I say that we hate each other and we're not interested in sharing you. He obviously can't accept me as your girlfriend. And, to be honest, after tonight, I don't know if I can deal with such a...close friendship. Jesus Holden, if what you say is true, do you really think Banky's interested in being used tonight, just to be pushed away tomorrow? Even if he is, and calls a truce come morning, he'll eventually get tired of being the lovesick third wheel and'll bail. Best case scenario, we all do our best to pretend your proposition here didn't happen. The more time you spend building a life with me, is time you'd be losing with Banky. It happens, even to those 'normal couples' you seem to envy so much. Over time friendships change and sometimes even end. It sucks, but it's a part of life. Why do you have such a hard time accepting that? Why are you so desperate to keep Banky around that you think a threesome would be a good idea?"

"Alyssa, I…"

My voice trails off, because I'm too stunned to think. Damnit, Banky was right. This is the time when I have to choose. Banky or Alyssa, I obviously can't have them both. Alyssa is becoming a slobbery mess and I don't dare look at Banky. I just force myself to think. To imagine a life without Alyssa. A life with no wife. No picket fence. No 2.5 kids. A life full of nothing, but comics. And Sega. And rehearsed Star Wars references and backwards caps and drinking chocolate milk while watching TV and his weird way with kids and that smile. I think of Banky's smile. Now, I force myself to think of a life without Banky.

"Banky. I choose Banky."

Alyssa closes her eyes and nods with tears running down her face. Out of the corner of my eye I see Banky's head snap towards me and his eyes are wide with shock. Alyssa begins to stand to leave and I feel the need to say something.

"I'm sorry Alyssa. I'm so fucking sorry."

"Yeah. Me too."

She hugs me and I hug her back. I feel like shit for hurting her. For chasing after her only to let her go. If only I dealt with my own drama first. Would I though? Would I had ever sat down and discussed things with Banky unless I was forced to? Probably not. Would the concept of love transcending gender ever even occur to me if it wasn't for knowing Alyssa? No, I would've stayed my happy ignorant self. Never risking having more with Banky in the fear of losing what we already had.

She starts to walk out when she stops for a second to look down at Banky and say, "He's yours again." I want to call her out on being a bitch to him, but I don't want to delay her departure. It's shitty of me I know, but I just want her gone. Because I need to know if I am in fact his again. Because I want to be. God help me, I so want to be.