Chapter One
I lie on Edward's couch. The soft fabric covering my chest feels like a prison. There is nothing I want more in the world than to become what Edward is, but am I really ready to give up everything I have? Every small positive in my human life has just multiplied itself by ten. All of the things I won't be able to do swim around my head, and I am unable to escape them. I lie perfectly still, controlling my emotions surprisingly well; I don't think Edward even notices the last minute doubts I am experiencing. But when he rolls me over onto my side so he can gaze into my eyes, the worry is obvious. I try to reassure him with a smile, but I know that my heart beat gives me away.
"I'm sorry, Bella." He whispers into my ear. My pulse races.
"Why?" Yes, why? Why can't I think what I need to think when Edward is beside me?
"I can't do it. I won't do it." The finality in his voice scares me. He promised me, though, just as he had promised never to leave me.
"What-?" I try. He presses a finger to my lips so I can't interrupt him.
"You have no idea, Bella! You will never know the feelings I feel whenever I see you. I am so proud, yet so frightened at the same time, to know that I must be the only one of my kind to be able to love a human as I do. How can I change you, knowing that you will never be my perfect, human, Bella?" his breath races with passion. He golden eyes burn into mine, scorching my heart that beats so fast beneath my skin. I sigh and bury my face in the pillow.
"I knew it," my voice comes out all muffled. That is good, I don't want him to hear what I have to say properly, it will anger him, and I don't want him to be angry. "You won't love me. But how can I ever live if I can't have you utterly and completely?" I turn back to him, praying my eyes are as beseeching as I am hoping they are. Edward's expression is bewildered, but I can see the steel edge that means he is angry, as I had predicted.
"Bella!" he sighs, exasperated. "Why, why must you do this to me? You know I will always love you. There is nothing in the world that could ever change the way I feel. Stop blaming yourself for what is inevitable!"
I am really confused.
"But you said-"I trail off. Edward's eyes are bright and his jaw is clenched. He moves across the bed until he is so close I can feel his eyelashes brushing my cheek.
"Why are we going over this again, Bella? We seem to be going round in circles day in and day out." He leans forward and kisses my forehead, my nose, my mouth. I try to protest and defend myself, but I get too lost in the moment. I let him kiss me and mumble "Sorry" when my mouth is free. Edward runs the tip of his nose over my skin and kisses my neck. I breathe in his heady scent, then freeze when I feel the unmistakable feeling of his cold teeth. I feel him chuckle and he lifts his head up.
"Bella?" he says, all traces of humour gone in an instant.
"Yes-" I whisper, too afraid my voice will betray the feelings I am trying to hide.
"Do you really want to be a monster?" The confusion in his voice is prominent, and I can't understand why he must insist on calling himself that.
"Edward," I say with mock exasperation. "Why are we going over this again? We seem to be going round in circles day in and day out. You. Are. No. Monster!"
His eyes are so intense, and I feel my insides melt as I realise I made him happy. I will trade everything just to make him happy; there is nothing more important to me in the universe.
"Edward," I sigh. "Do it if you will, but do it now. I won't wait either way."
His smile starts to fade and I can't bear to see it disappear completely so I bury my head in his chest.
The feeling of his teeth on my skin returns, but this time I don't freeze. I try to think of it as a needle; if I tense up it will hurt more. The pressure on my neck intensifies and I grip Edward's shirt. His arms are around me, but more to sedate himself, I think, than to comfort me. I feel him tense up, and I guess that he has broken the skin. I am surprises; I feel nothing but the blood racing through my veins. Edward leans back and looks at me anxiously. I check to see if I'm ok, then smile when I find I am. Edward anxiety turns to disbelief. I laugh, but something catches in my throat and I cannot finish, I cannot breathe. The ever too familiar burning feeling begins at the back of my throat. It takes up all the space until I cannot get enough air into my lungs and I start to choke. Edward wraps his arms back around me and rocks me back and forth, holding me to his perfect chest. Everything turns red. The pain spreads throughout my limbs and takes over my body. I know I am screaming, although how I get the sound past the fire constricting my lungs I don't know. I hear Edward frantically trying to get me to answer him, but I cannot understand his words. The bed underneath me falls away until I am floating, painfully, upon thick, muggy air. It slides up my nostrils and makes me gag; it tastes so bad. I wonder if this is why vampires do not breathe. I feel a cool hand on my forehead but I do not want to be reminded of the unbearable heat, so I push it away. I clamp my mouth shut and cling to the only solid thing left to me; Edward. I choke his name out so that he knows I am still his, then the red turns to black and I faint.
Edward still holds me even in my dreams, but his eyes are dull and feverish, and I wake up screaming.
The endless red is painful. When I try to wipe it away it sticks to my palms and clings to my fingers.
I try to disentangle myself, but it wraps itself around my chest, crushing me in it's embrace.
This isn't how holding Edward is supposed to feel.
But when I look, Edward isn't there.
How could he have left me now? When I need him?
I let go and fall asleep covered in strings of malicious red, hungrily eating me up.
I lie on Edward's couch. The soft cotton sheets covering my chest feel like a prison. I push against them but I do not have the strength. A shape blots out the sun that streams through the windows and alights on my head. I shake myself until the image becomes clear. It is Edward. I smile and let myself fall onto him. He makes me sit up and stares into my eyes.
"My Bella." He says with such fervent passion and possession that I laugh. I makes me feel good to be able to laugh again.
He leans forward and kisses me roughly. I kiss him back, savouring the last of the moment until he pulls away. But he doesn't pull away. Eventually I push him away, even thought I am not breathless.
"Love you." I murmur.
"Love you too, my Bella." he whipers, I smile.
The door bursts open and Alice skips in.
"Bella!" she sings happily when she sees me sitting upright. "You did it!!"
I frown, and Alice's smile slips.
"Did what?" I ask. I turn to Edward, but he is already behind me, linking his arms around my waist.
"You survived, Bella." He breathed in my ear. I shake my head, trying to make sense of what he is saying. Then everything comes back to me. The three, endless days of pain. My hand flies up to my neck and I finger the small pucker that marks where Edward had broken the skin. I let out a sigh of amazement; I was a vampire! I stand up, wobbling, and walk slowly over to the mirror on the wall. The person I see isn't me. She has such a perfect face it brings tears to my eyes. I angrily wipe them away and continue staring. I see a girl with perfect, flawless skin and tame hair such a striking shade of russet it scares me. I turn my head and am almost surprised when the faultless girl does the same. I smile, and those smooth red lips curled upwards in the mirror. Then I looked up to my eyes. The blackness I had seen in Edward's eyes is nothing compared to what I seein mine. They are blacker than pitch, and look so hungry. I shut them, not being able to bear to look at them any longer. I feel Edward's arms twine around mine once more and hold me in his stony embrace.
"Edward?" I say, frightened by how velvety my voice sounds.
"Bella?" he replies lovingly.
"I'm-, I'm hungry…" the disgust in my own voice is obvious, and Edward turnes me around to face him.
"Of course you are, Bella my love. Don't look at me like that, there is nothing to be ashamed of."
I stare at him for a few moments, then throw myself at him and try to cry. No tears come though, no matter how hard I try.
"Shh," he whispers, rocking me like a baby. "It's alright, I promise."