[April]

Alex walked down the hall from the patient room they put Mer in and hooked her up, feeling hollow somehow. He looked up only for a second when someone small rushed by him, colliding into him, making his lab coat fly up and his stethoscope slide down. Alex furrowed his eyebrows when catching the device and narrowed his eyes at who he then made out as Dr. Bailey, his heart immediately tearing when seeing her distraught face. She rushed on, doubling back at his face and they shared a second of grief, before he dropped his eyes to the floor and walked on. Pierce had gone down to see the kids, Torres had gone into surgery with Amelia, Richard and Owen were with Mer, it was just him now and for the life of him, he didn't know what to do with himself. He was supposed to call Yang, they had told him to do so, he was supposed to talk to their friend about her best friend's husband. Dying.

What the fuck?

They were only in their mid-thirties. Well, at least Alex was. And Mer and Derek, they'd just made up. Everything was going to be okay between them. No more Mer in his bed in the middle of the night, no more rants over countless tequila shots, no more snarky remarks towards his surgical career. Well, he wasn't so sure about that. Anyways. No more of it all. Just normal friends again, friends with a highly talented surgeon, having inherited a highly renowned name in their business, having married another kick-ass surgeon who had gone to work for the president for God's sake, who had been doing ungraspable neurosurgical research. Who had survived a shooting in his childhood, a dry-gone marriage, a wife cheating on him, a friendship lost and then found again, a freaking hospital shooting, or let's say, a gunshot wound to his freaking chest, a plane crash. Had survived so many deaths and losses, had saved so many lives with his own hands and brain. And now he was dead because he had had a freaking car accident and the neurosurgeon at that freaking hospital hadn't known how to take a 911 seriously? Well, now that he thought about it, he didn't know if or what to take as fact from Mer's soft mumblings when they had tried talking to her. He just knew that Derek was dead. As in dead. He seriously was dead.

What the fuck, right?!

Alex took a deep breath and got out his phone from his lab coat, meaning to call Yang, when he spotted the A as in Addison Montgomery amongst his contacts, his guts dropping. All those people who had no idea. All those people who they'd have to inform. All those people that were going to grieve. Alex felt weirdly hazy, it just… it was so absurd. Of course he knew how to deal with death, they had death on their hands all the freaking time. He'd had people die that he had once loved or been close to. Derek Shepherd hadn't even been close to him. Still, everything inside him was heavy when he just thought about the ramifications of this. Professional, and personal. Meredith was now widowed. Their young kids half-orphaned. Thinking of it. Does widow apply to you if you're divorced? Alex shook his head at his strange thoughts, not knowing what was going on with him. He gave the list of contacts a push upwards to get to Yang.

How in the world am I gonna say this?

He felt himself stop in the middle of the hallway, sensing as people walking behind or next to him gave him irritated glares, gruff remarks, not caring about them at all, just asking himself just what it was he was gonna tell Yang. He reached up and rubbed his forehead with his spare hand, thinking. There wasn't a way around this, anyways, so why push it out, right. Alex tapped the screen shortly, instantly putting the phone towards his ear and looking up, cancelling the call a split second later, just before he was put through to the line and pocketed his phone, walking up towards the nurses' counter. That's why you push it out. He moved closer to stand right behind Jo, burying his nose in her neck that was unusually naked, freed from all her curly hair since she was wearing a scrub cap and his big palms were rubbing up and down her upper arms, in a soothing motion. Well, a much more soothing oneself motion than anything else. He sensed her turning her head when realizing his appearance, him kissing her shoulder as a hello. Jo was finishing something up on the tablet before she turned around, Alex having placed his arms on either side of her, restricting her to the counter. He saw her small smile falter at seeing his face, and panic set on her own. Her left hand grabbed the front of his lab coat and she inched the tiniest bit closer.

"What's going on Alex? Is everything okay?" she asked him and he could hear fear in her voice. Alex looked back at her emptily, hearing himself breathe rather fast. After a moment, he took her soft small hand that was holding onto his lab coat into his and pulled her towards the next best empty room, closing the door and the blinds and leaning back on the conference table. "You're scaring me, what's going on?" Alex sighed and looked on the floor before rubbing his eyes, all of a sudden feeling exhausted. He looked back up when he felt Jo's hand on his forearm and her step in between his legs.

"Derek Shepherd has died in a car accident last night," he said the words out loud, for the first time. Jo yanked her head back as if he had just yelled at her or something, staring at him in disbelief. She shook her head in the tiniest motion, shaping the letter W a few times on her lips, never getting the words out properly though.

"W-w-what?" she croaked after a couple of failed attempts, clearing her throat uncomfortably right after. He just nodded. She kept shaking her head and she wanted to say something, but then she just licked her lips and took a deep breath. "Are you serious?" she asked him in a low whisper. Alex bit his lower lip and nodded again, dropping his eyes to her hands that she kept rubbing on her thighs as if she was wiping off sweaty palms. He reached out slowly, matching them with his and pulled her closer, hugging her to him, his head against her stomach, her arms encircling him. They stood there for a while, not saying anything. When he pulled back and looked up at her, he watched her lose a silent tear, wiping it away angrily when he caught her at it and looking at the closed blinds, away from him. Alex pushed away from the edge of the table and stretched to his feet, pulling her into a full hug, meeting some resistance. "Don't, Alex, I'm fine," she wiped away more tears, but he just kissed her head, looking down at her. She looked back up at him with glazed over eyes, deeply genuine. "How is she?" Alex closed his eyes and let out a sharp puff of air through his nose, as if saying yeah, I'm supposed to be the one knowing that, right.

"I was supposed to call Yang," he said instead, making her nod. "I couldn't do it yet. I just… don't know what to say," he admitted. Jo nodded again.

"How about I'll stay with you?" Alex looked back at her gratefully and nodded. He leaned back down on the table, whereas Jo sat down next to him, snuggling into him from the side, her head on his shoulder and her arms entangled with his, their fingers entwined, while he put his phone against his ear again. Jo found herself kissing his shoulder repeatedly, making him squeeze her fingers in return. She stroked her thumb across the back of his hand, watching herself do it, trying to stay calm, breathe regularly, not drive herself crazy with panic. Alex was right here with her.

"It's me," she heard him say without much tone to his voice. "Stop talking," he sounded like it should have come across as irritated but ended up sounding exhausted. "I have bad news."