This is random and angsty, but we all need angst, right? Good, so enjoy!
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Well, that was how it happened anyway. No one was really sure it was even real at first. How he could be so weak to do something like that. How he could give up that easily and just...
Die. Gone. Forever.
I shook my head again, for what felt like the millionth time. How could he? He was always so strong, so invincible. And now he's gone. I couldn't even blame anyone, it had been an accident. Maybe that was what bothered me the most. Not that he was actually dead, but that he was that weak to make a mistake like that. He wasn't weak, it's just not a word that's associtated with his name. But now he's dead. There's no saying he isn't weak anymore. I still can't believe it. I'm standing in front of his casket, staring at his lifeless, pale face, eyes and mouth closed in an eternal frown, and I still can't believe it.
That's another irony. He's frowning, even in death. He always frowned, never smiled. I wonder why. Was he really that miserable in life? He never showed it. No, he was too strong to show his emotions. No one had seen it. No one, maybe Kanone once or twice, but if he did, he never let on. He always kept to himself, always stayed reserved and only gave his opinion when necessary. I wonder what he thinks of his own death. Does he think himself weak? Or is he too strong to admit that he's weak? Too strong? Sounds like more weakness to me. Maybe that's all he's ever been is weak. But he seemed strong. I never saw a weakness in him. Never saw a tear or agony on his face. Just coldness, lonliness. I wish I could have made him smile. Too late for that now.
Kanone himself was standing at my side along with the other Blade Children. Most of them wore expressionless faces, perhaps not sure how to react to such a thing. They all thought he was so strong, too. Never thought he could die like this. Never thought he'd die at all. The only one who showed any emotion was Kanone, of course. But it wasn't sadness, not that anyone had expected it to be. No, he was actually smiling. It seemed he would smile at such a time, though. That's just how he was, though. So...
Strong. Invincible. Forever.
Of course, I thought that about him, too, and now he's dead. As impossible as it seems, just like it seems impossible for Kanone to die. I defeated him, but never once did I think I could actually kill him. I wonder if Kanone's death will be as ironic, if it ever happens. Like his, an accident. A simple slip-up that resulted in stunned silences and disbelief. Some slip-up, though that's what everyone called it. Even in death, no one would admit that a man such as himself could do something like have an accident or make a mistake. Even if they knew the truth, they would deny it. Perhaps because they didn't want the image of him ruined. That's what had happened for me the moment I heard the news, heard what happened. The entire image of him, someone I looked up to and admired, someone I could depend on to be there, be strong. It was all completely shattered.
I clutched the suicide note in my hand. The one he had left before he had poisoned himself. I didn't bother to learn what poison or how long it took. Nothing. It was evident the moment I saw his body and the note lying next to it, both tagged and outlined in white chalk. Yes, he killed himself, but it had to have been an accident. There's no way he could possibly be so weak as to die like that. Not on purpose, not willingly. There had to be some explanation. Reading the note once through, it was evident his reasoning. He had wanted death, was practically begging for it. He hated this life, he was miserable. He wanted to die so badly, but no one would ever believe it, would think he was joking. No one in this world would take his life, not even Kanone. Not even the person he had most hurt and betrayed, had taken everything from and left him behind. No, no one would dare admit that he would want to die. Would actually want to...
Give up. Give in. Forever.
A person like him didn't give up. He fought through to the end, never surrendering. He wasn't like me. I looked over the note again, nothing new. The one line that caught my eye everytime, the one thing that he said that truly suprised me.
Live for yourself, no one else. Be who you are and let that be enough for you. No one else in this world can judge you if you don't judge yourself.
I didn't really understand those words. Was he telling me that it was alright not to live if I didn't want to? Was that what he finally realized? That he didn't need to live for anyone but himself, and that since he didn't want to live, he wouldn't? Or was he telling me that I didn't need to worry about other's opinions, that only my opinion mattered? I already believed that. Or, at least, I thought I did. Now that I think about it, I always got annoyed when other people said things about me, I just never showed it. I don't know why I cared, but I did. Or maybe I still do. But why? It seems ridiculous and yet I still do it. Should I stop? He said I should. I trust his advice, trust him.
Why is Kanone looking at him like that? Wait...am I...crying? That must be it... I haven't cried in years. Ever since he left. I don't know why, but perhaps I just wanted his approval and would think I was weak if I did. But I want to, so I am. That's what he told me to do, right? Live how I want? Seems that advice did more than I thought. Not that I mind taking his advice. I acted bitter, but I was just lonely. Seems that I'm more than just alone now. He's gone, left me behind. I want to join him, want to see him again. I want another chance. Guess it's too late now.
How did we get to the graveyard? I thought we were still in the church. Guess I'm more out of it than I thought. He's already burried, I missed it. Missed the last chance I had to see him. Not that it would have been him, just his coffin. The last time I really saw him was almost seven years ago. Seven wasted years I could have spent with him. But I pushed him and everyone else away. He's gone now and it...
Hurts. Badly. Forever.
The crowd and reporters are gone. Just a few others and myself. I lost Madoka, too, I wonder where she got to. Probably went back home to be alone. I look at his grave stone. It's a simple grey stone with a simple engraving. Rather fitting for him, I suppose. He was never complicated, liked things simple and clear-cut. I'm the only one left now, the Blade Children have all gone. Not that I expected them to stay long, and I'm sure they all have better things to do. I kneel down in front of his grave, numbly, and place a single, purple iris on the fresh dirt. Pictures, candles, balloons, everything else surrounds the grave, but my flower is the only one that lies on the actual soil, resting against the stone. I look once more at the gravestone and think how fitting it is. How true.
Kiyotaka Narumi
Detective. Husband. Brother.
Forever
That was how it happened, anyway. How my brother died. How I became a better person that day, living for no one but myself. That was how it happened. But if someone like him, someone so strong, started it. How can anyone end it? Maybe it's not meant to end. Maybe it's meant to just be forever.
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No idea where that came from... huh, oh well. Hope you liked it, review!