Disclaimer: The Raccoons and all associated characters are the property of Evergreen Raccoons Marketing and are used without permission. This work is solely for the entertainment of the author and his readers and no money is either being or to be made from this work.
Pay the Piper
It was a perfect afternoon. Bert and Melissa Raccoon or at least Melissa waited patently seated at a picnic table as Ralph Raccoon complete with chef's hat poked at the days catch cooking on the grill periodically with a spatula.
"Come on Ralph!" Bert bounced impatiently, "I'm hungry."
"It'll be done soon Bert." Melissa tried to calm Bert down as she unpacked their picnic basket.
"Not soon enough." Bert harrumphed crossing his arms over his chest as he sat down with the picnic basket to his back. Bert uncrossed his arms and reached into the picnic basket withdrawing a jar of peanut butter. "And Ralph is forgetting the most important ingredient when grilling, peanut butter."
Ralph's ears twitched at Bert's suggestion and as Bert walked over with said jar of peanut butter Ralph was ready. "Peanut butter shall not touch my grill Bert." Ralph said with a growl stabbing at Bert with the spatula as if it were a knife. Ralph was normally a peace loving raccoon but some things were sacred, namely his grill and the absence of peanut butter on it.
"Bert Raccoon?" an unfamiliar voice intruded upon the scene. The voice belonged to a police dog pulling some overtime doubling as a court bailiff.
"I'm Bert Raccoon." Bert said.
"This is a notice of summons. Please sign this to acknowledge receipt." The police dog presented Bert with a manila envelope after he signed. With his job finished the police dog returned to his car and left.
"What is it Bert?" Ralph asked as Bert opened the manila envelope and peered at the papers.
"It says I am hereby summoned to Crown Court for deliberation of a paternity suit. That's ridiculous I don't even own a suit so it can't be too important." Bert scratched his head in confusion.
"Uh Bert," Ralph offered, "A paternity suit means someone is claiming you are the father of their child and this is important."
"You mean somewhere out there I have a kid?" Bert asked astounded, "That's great!" The exuberant raccoon exclaimed as he jumped in the air then danced a little jig.
"How exactly is this great Bert?" Ralph asked before continuing, "It says here that you are being sued for twelve years of back child support as well as maintenance until she turns eighteen."
"A daughter, I have a daughter? I better get a shotgun you know how boys are these days."
Melissa spoke up, "Probably a lot like they were in your day Bert"
"I know, that's why I need a shotgun."
Melissa spoke again, "Bert how did this happen?"
"No wonder we don't have any kids." Ralph crossed his arms over his chest.
Melissa shot him a quit it or die look then restated, "I mean I know how it happened but who is the mother? You seem awful certain you're the father."
Bert took the papers back from Ralph, "Says here the mother is Delilah Blackmask. I remember her we dated for a few weeks before she told me to pick up my stuff and leave."
"Well you obviously left something behind Bert." Ralph stated.
"And I don't intend to do that anymore. Bert Raccoon, ace dad." Bert gave his trademark fill in the blank phrase as he began to trek back inside. "Now I have to figure out what to do when I see her. I wonder if she'll like fishing?" Bert's talking trailed off as he walked into the raccoondominium leaving Ralph and Melissa by themselves.
"Do you think we should tell him?" Ralph asked his worried looking wife.
"It'll break his heart." Melissa responded.
"The way the family courts are stacked against fathers he's going to get chewed up and spit out. It'll kill him." Ralph said as he and Melissa hugged one another despairing over what to tell Bert.
Some time later Bert and Bentley were in Bert's room. Bert had made a partial effort to clean his room reasoning that he could not very well yell at his kid for her room looking like a tornado hit it if his room looked like a hurricane hit it.
Bentley brought over some ties for Bert to try on because he actually did not own any. So far his efforts to properly tie a necktie had not borne fruit. For the most part Bert's efforts ended up with the tie either a jumbled mess or coming completely undone.
"Try again Bert." Bentley was exasperated that Bert was having such a difficult time trying to tie a tie.
"Why did they have to make these things so hard to work?" Bert asked as he fumbled with the tie making a crude knot that for some reason had ensnared his hand.
"Maybe you should just get a clip on Bert." Bentley suggested.
"No clip ons! I want to do this properly." Bert answered as he began tying the tie again this time keeping his hand from becoming part of the knot though instead of a straight tie it looked more like a poorly tied bow tie At least it did until it came undone yet again.
"Bert, take the larger end and wrap it around keeping a finger or two to hold the space, then up, over and through. Just make sure the two ends are the same length. Now you try it just like that." Bentley demonstrated to Bert how to tie a single Windsor knot.
"Hold on I think I've got it." Their exchange was interrupted when Lisa stormed into Bert's room her hands were balled into fists and she appeared to have been crying. Right now however, she was just enraged.
"Hey Lisa how does my tie look?" Bert was oblivious to her mood.
"You two-timing, conniving, backstabbing, son of a…"
Bert did not hear the last word Lisa spoke because as she spoke it she slapped him right across the face before turning and running out of the room crying. "What was that about?" Bert asked his hand holding his aching cheek.
"Don't know Bert," Bentley said, "she gets like this once a month.
"How long does it last?"
"All month."
"Do you think maybe she'd like the other tie better?"
"How should I know Bert?" Bentley said. "The only thing I know about girls is that they are soft, smell good and are nuttier than squirrel poop."
A week later Bert stood outside the Evergreen Forest Courthouse. He finally learned to tie a tie even if a bit sloppily. His nervousness was observable to Ralph, Melissa and Cedric who came to give him some moral support.
"Don't worry Bert you'll be fine." Melissa said as she straightened and tightened the knot of Bert's tie.
"I know I'll be fine Melissa," Bert said, "but do you think she'll like me?" Bert asked in reference to his daughter.
"Of course she will Bert. Who wouldn't like you?" Melissa responded encouragingly.
"You're right Melissa." Bert bounded up the first few steps of the courthouse.
Cedric decided to inject a voice of reason, "Bert shouldn't you have a lawyer with you? Pop says the laws are so complicated now that you have to be crazy to go into a courtroom without one. And you know how pop is about spending money."
"Cedric, Cedric c'mon this is the 'justice system' that means justice is done and besides all I'm doing is declaring that I am the father and we'll set up support and visitation. What could possibly go wrong?" Bert began walking up the steps again.
"What indeed?" was all Ralph could come up with.
Bert passed though the double doors into the courtroom. There were a few disinterested observers sitting in the gallery directly behind the plaintiff and defendant's tables. He made his way up to the partition and was instructed to take his seat at the defendant's table. The courtroom was a typical modern room with faux wood paneling. The judicial bench was on a raised platform so that the judge or magistrate could look down for the power position on the litigants. The provincial seal was a garish chrome plated modern art sculpture meant to symbolize that even in a backwoods location taxpayer money can be wasted with impunity.
Ralph, Melissa and Cedric took their seats in the gallery directly behind Bert. The padded seats provided little comfort not that they were supposed to. Each one tried to keep up Bert's spirits by saying encouraging things or giving him a pat on the shoulder. Bert's insistence that all was well did not comport with his body language that showed his nervousness.
Soon three more raccoons entered the courtroom. The first was a male in a business suit he carried a briefcase and a grim look. He was a straight nosed pointy eared somewhat portly raccoon somewhat taller than Ralph but shorter than Bert.
The next in line was a statuesque female raccoon in a stylish neutral outfit she was slightly shorter than Lisa though taller than Bert. The female raccoon had pointy black ears and a straight nose. Bert recognized her as Delilah Blackmask her appearance had not changed much since college although he did not remember her breasts being quite so large. Bert was sure he heard Melissa mutter the word 'fake' as the female raccoon walked by.
Delilah had a young child in tow a female raccoon roughly twelve years old. Bert wasn't sure where his genetics came in on the girl. Her nose was straight and her ears pointy unlike Bert's bent nose and ears. Is this kid my daughter? Bert thought to himself as the three raccoons seated themselves at the plaintiff's table the male raccoon closest to Bert Delilah next and the young girl raccoon furthest away.
Bert looked over towards the plaintiff's table. The two older raccoons stared forward but the little girl soon began to glimpse at Bert of short occasions before retreating back behind her mother only to do so again. Bert for his part would smile at the young raccoon, which only encouraged her to continue. This game of peek-a-boo ended when Delilah caught her daughter and admonished her brusquely not to behave like that. Once her child was chastised Delilah glared at Bert as if he were a devil. Taking this as a cue Bert resumed staring forward only occasionally glancing sideways to see that the girl raccoon was doing the same.
Looking straight ahead Bert smiled to himself, that's where my genes come in, he thought acknowledging the girls free spirit and tendency to ignore her mother's admonishments.
Further attempts to spy on the child ended when the court Bailiff entered and intoned, "All rise. Crown court is now in session The Honorable Judith Sessions presiding." The entire courtroom rose from their seats as the judge a female sheepdog in judicial robes and a curly wig entered the room.
"You may be seated." The judge said adjusting her glasses as the entire courtroom took their seats. "I have read the motions brought before me. Now Mr. Raccoon present before the court is a motion that you are the father of one Cynthia Blackmask. How do you declare in this motion?"
Bert stood cleared his throat and declared, "I am the father." To Bert's right both Delilah Blackmask and her attorney grinned to one another there wouldn't even be a fight. Things were so much easier when there was no fight.
The judge was taken slightly aback. She shuffled some papers around and spoke again, "You do understand the responsibilities you will be taking on by this admission Mr. Raccoon?"
"Yes, I do."
"Good, that makes it easy. The defendant, Bert Raccoon, having declared parentage is hereby ordered to pay five hundred dollars a month in child support until the child achieves majority. Plaintiff's request for back support is dismissed." The judge banged the gavel down on the bench indicating the order was now in force.
Bert realized the judge had only mentioned child support payments and decided to ask about visitation. "Um when do I get to see my kid?"
"You haven't seen her for twelve years why start now?" The judge angrily shot from the bench. "Other than that take it up with the mother."
Bert was stunned the court didn't even acknowledge him as anything other than a wallet. Even so maybe his daughter's mother would be more reasonable. "Hello Delilah." Bert said to the retreating back of his one time girlfriend.
Delilah Blackmask stopped walking away and turned to face Bert a frown set in face and her eyes narrowed to slits. She was clearly unhappy that Bert was talking to her at all. "What do you want Bert?" Her voice was as cold as ice and very well practiced.
"I just wanted to discuss when I could see our daughter."
"Cynthia," Delilah commanded to her daughter, "Come here." Cynthia Blackmask bounced up and stood directly in front of her mother Delilah's hands on her shoulders. Just as quickly Delilah pushed her daughter to her side, "There you've seen her. Now you can go on with whatever you do."
"Um I was thinking more like weekends or some time in the summer." Bert started.
"What makes you think I would let you see my daughter?" Delilah emphasized the word my.
"Well," Bert stammered, "I am her father."
"And you think that gives you the right to see her? Cynthia don't look at him!" Delilah shushed her daughter who was smiling at Bert. Delilah pressed her hand against her daughter's back as she walked up the courtroom aisle. She turned her head back to Bert as she walked out, "It's over Bert. You won't have to bother with seeing her and don't you dare be late with the check." Delilah exited the courtroom with Cynthia and her attorney.
To Be Continued