AUTHOR'S NOTE! I wrote this fic to vent out my feelings about, wow - you guessed it, a relationship of mine! I threw the thing about Blue's hat in, just to show that they were close, once? Or maybe you guys can pick that up by yourself, who knows! Another venting fic by me, woo. I also wrote this a few months ago, and just recently found it. Hopefully the next thing I publish has my writing skills now, which I hope are much better than the shit you're about to read.
You haven't talked to her since that day.
A real conversation. Not a "hey, how are you? good? great." A real conversation. You couldn't bring yourself to it when you knew she was happy with someone else. Someone who wasn't you.
You stayed up at night, trying not to think - but always thought about her and then. Her and past conversations; her and old jokes; her and that laugh you used to adore.
But that was then and this is now.
"Natsume!" she'd greet. But you just ran away. Because that's what you're good at, right?
"I've missed you," she'd say. But you wouldn't say anything in response because you know she doesn't miss you the way you miss her.
Months pass and you leave, just cleaning your head is what you call it. But she'd always say you can't run away forever.
You want her gone. Gone, gone, gone. You need to escape. But you don't know what else to do because you've invested so much time in her. Her, her, her. Her and that stupid hat she let you wear when she taught you how to dance. Her and that idiotic smile that used to send your heart soaring. She's everywhere. She's been everywhere in your home, your thoughts, your dreams, your mind. But you can't get rid of her. You can't get rid of the fist around your heart that tightens its grip every time you see her.
So you leave.
You come back, weeks later, and during that break you realize not all hope is lost. There's someone else. A girl with the perfect shade of ebony-coloured hair, with the perfect smile that brings a smile to your own cold lips, and suddenly things seem brighter.
You can go about your day without stopping to blink back tears because you feel so stupid. This is why I hate people you used to say, but now you've decided you don't feel that way anymore. You aren't ruthless in Gym Battles - and hell, you've even let a kid or two win, just to see them smile - because not everything in the world is as cruel as you make it to be. Things are great, amazing even. And for once you can say everything's alright and you sure as hell mean it..
Your trips to Celadon became daily, and you find yourself lost in that enticing floral aroma that the new girl gives off. It's soothing, and you find yourself back to where you were a few weeks ago - thinking about one girl. But this time it doesn't hurt.
"Natsume, hey!" she'd run up to you with a smile, and you'd say hello back. A polite hello, because part of you doesn't want to trust her again - but you're hoping, praying, that one day you will.
"Hey we should hang out sometime," she'd suggest. You agree but the plans never happen. But that's okay with you because she's happy with someone who isn't you, and you're finally okay with that. Because you're finally happy with someone, someone who isn't her.
Someone who's breathed life into you.
"Why are you doing this?" she asks a week later, anger rising with each word she spat at you. "That was special to me!"
"I can't believe this!" she screams, that once angelic face wanting nothing but your blood. "How could you take it away from me?"
Why are you acting like this? You ask, feeling yourself become furious too. What did I do this time? Because everything's always been your fault, right?
She leaves before either of you can get another word in, and you sure as hell wish you don't get another opportunity to do so. Hasn't she done things to hurt you, too? Hasn't she made you feel like this too?
You find yourself getting angry, to the point where tears start falling from your eyes. You're frustrated, and you hate it.
You're over twenty for fuck's sake. Control yourself. You've been through situations similar to this before, haven't you? You can't get angry. You can't lose it so quickly. You're a Gym Leader now. You're supposed to have changed.
Breathe in. And out.
In. Out.
But your body shakes and your heart aching again. Not for the same reason as before but the pain is so familiar. You'll be damned if she ever talks to you again, even comes your way again. Because life doesn't work that way for you, does it?
Because you're just a stupid, hurt, raven. And she's a stupid, irritating, bluebird, and no one likes ravens. They aren't supposed to be liked by bluebirds.
But you two broke that barrier.
She would always ask you why you couldn't just be best friends again, just like you used to be. You'd hate to answer that question because you're afraid to hear yourself say it. You're afraid of the truth. And this time, you don't want to face it. You don't want to see it. You want to go to the new girl and talk to her, and cry until it goes away because you feel safe with the new girl. You are at home with the new girl. Not her. Not anymore.
You want to make this right, but you don't know how. Because apparently you should have not been friends, apparently she should have broken off the friendship a long time ago. Because apparently it's your fault, again. But that's nothing new because, hey, it's always been.
You can live without her. You know that. You tell yourself this daily, and you have a new someone in your life who makes you genuinely happy. And you can't remember when you've felt like this last, because it's been such a long time.
You're not just happy for yourself, but you're happy for her and that someone who isn't you.
"We're best friends forever!" she had said, once.
You smile sadly at the thought and try to ignore the fresh tears that form in your eyes.
Did you really mean it? You can't help but wonder. Do you still think so now?