Into Consciousness
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"Death be not proud, though some have called thee
Mighty and dreadful, for thou art not so,
For those whom thou think'st thou dost overthrow,
Die not, poor Death, nor yet canst thou kill me.
From rest and sleep, which but thy pictures be,
Much pleasure: then from thee much more must flow,
And soonest our best men with thee do go,
Rest of their bones, and soul's delivery.
Thou art slave to fate, chance, kings, and desperate men,
And dost with poison, war, and sickness dwell;
And poppy or charms can make us sleep as well
And better than thy stroke; why swell'st thou then?
One short sleep past, we wake eternally,
And death shall be no more, Death thou shalt die."
- John Donne, "Death Be Not Proud".
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"Piccolo..." Gohan's voice comes from far off. I just....can't concentrate on anything anymore. No clue what's happening to me, I feel so peaceful. The room's getting brighter. Must be sunrise. I'm so tired...I'll watch the sun come up and then I'll go to sleep.
It seems so brilliant, the sun's a reddish-white against the hills and trees. But what the hell? That's south! Well, south-east. How can the sun come up in the southeast when it's summer?
Who cares...
Just above the sun's glare is this bright red star, right smack dab in a dense section of the Milky Way. So bright the glaring dawn doesn't affect its visibility at all. Stars are supposed to twinkle...this one doesn't...it's like Venus sitting on the horizon at sundown. Brighter than that. Kind of...pretty. Come to think of it, none of the stars twinkle. Usually they disappear when the sun comes up. They're getting brighter and converging in the center of my vision. Everything else is dimming except the light. It's so beautiful, never seen anything like it. It's so powerful the view doesn't flicker when my eyes blink, nor does it blur when I let them lose focus.
I can't stop staring at that red star in the center. A tiny point as bright as the sun. For a split second I swear I was much closer and looking at it through the window of a ship. And then I'm back in myself...tethered to this damn weak body.
Somehow...someway...I'll get to my star...I have to. It's calling to me. It's...home...
...why the hell is Gohan worried about me when this is going on?
"The sunrise," I tell him, "It's amazing."
"It's - " Gohan looks over his shoulder, blinks and looks back at me. Strangely unenthralled. He's got that terrified look on his face. "Yeah, it is...mind if I watch it with you?"
Two sunrises in a row since I got sick. Moments like these make me glad to have Gohan around. He understands me. I can tell him anything...or I did when he slept.
Is it me, or did it just get a lot harder to breathe? I have to consciously force air into my lungs, and even then I barely have enough to speak. "I'd like that."
There's a rustle as Gohan moves around the bed. I feel him settle down next to me, his head on my shoulder. I want to wrap an arm around him...but I don't have the strength. Turning my head took the last of it. Heh, pathetic isn't it? Drained just because I turned my head to the window. Oh the shame...the humiliation...the great Piccolo struck down by illness.
...pathetic...
...but the sunrise is so amazing...
I'm exhausted. Maybe if I sleep for awhile, I'll feel better.
No...this is a different kind of exhaustion, there will be no awakening once I fall asleep. I want to turn to Gohan and tell him goodbye. I can't even twist my head around to look at him one last time.
I can hear him breathing and feel his hand rubbing my chest. That's comfort enough for me...just knowing he's there and I'm not alone.
...I'm not alone...
Bye, kid.
And I let go of my grip on consciousness. My will, not my body's. I know what's happening and I'm not afraid. Everything fades from my sight except for the stars. I'm amazed all the light doesn't hurt my eyes.
This'll sound strange...I'm asleep and I know it, but I'm well aware of Gohan holding me, talking to me. The words echo as they so often do when he blabbers at me while I'm trying to go to sleep. It's....comforting....keep talking, kid, keep talking....I still hear you. Still hear you....still -
I'm dreaming my life.
No joke...it's like watching a projection against the light. But I'm outside these memories, looking in from some invisible source. For one eternal second I relive all my sire's horrors. It's a terrifying, excruciating moment filled with blood, pain and rage. But I'm far away from it. Safe. The awful images slip away forever.
And then I relive my own life from beginning to end. I see....Doramu's birth. His eyes meeting mine. That love I felt rushes back as if I'm in the moment again. It's getting so bright...I'm falling into the twinkles in his eyes...I feel myself drifting closer...further from Gohan and closer to my son's eyes...closer to eternity and beyond...almost there. Almost -
Don't go! Gohan's thoughts grate across my mind. Don't leave me! I can't stand this pain!
It's so jarring I'm slammed back into my body. I was almost there, so close to paradise...is it selfish of me to want to go? Or is he being selfish for wanting to keep me? I...I...kid, I don't want to go, I have to...it's beyond my control now. I'm sorry. Let me die, Gohan, let me die while I still have dignity. Please...this body's useless to me now. You can't save me. Let go, kid...
Please...just let me...go....
I'm trying desperately to speak to him. I make some noises, but my throat won't contract. My body is totally shut down and I can't rouse it. I can't stop what's happening any more than the man in the moon, but I can't leave until I know Gohan will be okay. I just...can't....
That's funny, it just got quiet. Too quiet.
Oh shit, I think my heart stopped.
And...oh gross, I didn't...I did...this is PATHETIC!
Dizzy...so dizzy...headrush from Hell. I need to sleep, but I can't close my eyes. The light's gone completely. All I see through my lowered eyelids is Gohan's tear-stained face. His voice is muffled as if I'm underwater. Things become less real. My sight fuzzes over like it always does when I stand up too fast or take a hard hit in the head. Only the pink-edged spots take over completely. I tingle all over. Suddenly I'm treated to my brain's version of TV-snow.
And then that disintegrates into numb oblivion.
But I'm conscious...aren't I?
Earthquakes jar my dark world, making it rumble like a million boulders grinding around me. Must be my bones...I'm just a tiny speck of dust that traveled down into the center of my body. It's safe here...or it will be if Gohan would just stop shaking me!
And he does eventually, when he seems to realize I'm not going to answer him.
After a time I hear ChiChi's voice, but I can't understand her words. She talks to Gohan a few times. And then I hear another voice...this one perfectly clear. A voice I know so well because I needed only to hear noises to know what its owner wanted.
"Da-da."
That's my son. M life. What I'd give to hold him one more time...leaving him breaks my heart.
How sad. Me, a once-demon, pining for my child. I've really gone soft.
Sloshing water...movement...wish I knew what the heck was going on. I hate this, I can't feel anything other than pressure. Someone's rubbing my back. Feels good. Must be ChiChi seeing me off. Off to where?
Finally, I'm being left alone. I'll sleep now.
"Hey, Piccolo? Why're you still holding onto your body? Hellllooooooooo...I know you're in there! PICCOLO!"
....Goku?
I can't see him, but I sense and hear him. It's weird. When did I wake up? I don't even remember falling asleep...damn, my mind must be breaking up.
"Wha? What're you doing in here? Get out of my head!"
How long did I sleep? Did I sleep, or just slip out of existence for a scant moment and his voice called me back? I am so confused. Frustrated. Where's the music and clouds and other disgustingly sentimental things people see when they die?
A chuckle, "I'm not in your head. You can hear me because we're on the same wavelength. Now sit up, you goof!"
Grrr.
But I do as Goku tells me. It feels like I'm trapped under molasses....or real intense gravity. Why is this so hard?
"You're still trying to hold on." Goku giggles, he must think it's a real gas. "It's always hard when people still have an intact body when they die. Always afraid they won't exist if they let go of it."
He thinks he knows everything.
"Shut up, Goku!" I force my eyes open and look around. I'm still in the bedroom, but my eyesight is intense. I see colors and light I never knew existed. A glow surrounds everything. Everything has its own living aura. Something living people can't see...it's beautiful.. Gohan sits beside me...or what used to be me. My body looks small and withered like an empty chrysalis. It has no aura. The empty corpse is like a shadow against the surrounding lights.
...am I a light now? I look outside. Even the stars have auras that make them brighter and more majestic. The sky is alive, dancing, singing...
Then I look down at myself. All I see is a yellowish light. Where are my hands? Why can't I see my new self? Goku, where's Goku? What the hell's going on?!
"You won't see yourself until you believe you still exist, Piccolo." A "presence" that feels like Goku's energy signature comes up beside me. Visible only as an odd ring of white light surrounding a figure I can't see. "I can see you, you look fine. Just like you did before you got sick." he comes closer still. "Hey, let's go into the kitchen. Your son will see you."
"But he's alive!"
"Young babies are still linked to the spirit world. He says 'da-da' when he sees you, right?"
I balk at him. "How should I know? I died before he said it."
Goku laughs, "Just come with me."
But we don't walk. We don't float. We don't slip through walls.
I just blink and we're in the kitchen. ChiChi seems amazingly controlled as she fixes breakfast. Doramu sits in his high chair by the window. Immediately his eyes fix directly on mine. Those huge, innocent black orbs that changed me the moment I looked into them.
"Da-da!"
Yeah, daddy's here, Doramu...I'm here...I do exist!
And all at once I look down at my hands. They're as solid as in life, though surrounded by a faint yellow glow. There's a flicker to the right and Goku appears with a hand behind his head, grinning. The light's still around him, just not as bright. ChiChi walks right through him to set the table. Then she walks through me to hand Doramu water in a bottle. I pick up a rush of thoughts racing through her mind. Like a room full of people whispering to each other, but it's all coming from her. She's shocked that it's over. She's wondering if we could've...oh dear gods...shut up, ChiChi!
Goku's hand rests on my shoulder. Or it would if I didn't have my cape on. "It's okay, you get used to it."
I just shoot him a look. Suddenly I feel horribly embarrassed. That's his wife in here and she's having these thoughts about me! The way he's looking at me.....ehh....makes me wonder how much he saw.
Dully, I say, "I never intended to get involved -"
"She needed you." Goku cuts me off without losing his smile, "Don't worry about it."
Doesn't make me feel any better that he knows. His presence is starting to bother me, to be honest. I just want to be alone and get used to this. Goku's a nice guy and all...but the bubbly chatter does wear on my nerves after awhile.
"Hey Goku."
"No problem." He says as if I already spoke. "Just pick up my energy signature and you'll find me instantly. You're not bound by time and distance anymore, you know. You can be anywhere, any time." And then he flashes that insanely large smile of his. "See ya!" and he's gone. No flash, nothing, just gone as though he'd never been there.
Doramu gurgles to me and reaches out. I stretch my hand towards his...I can touch him. I feel his warm skin and his innocence and love...but he doesn't seem to feel me. He just looks perplexed, tiny brow ridges pressing together in a stern little frown. I think I just vanished from his sight.
I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel the prick of tears forming in my eyes. I collapse to my knees and look up at him. His eyes don't follow my descent. All I feel is his mind fluttering like a million butterflies.
A presence. ChiChi coming back to wipe Doramu's face. She's standing 'inside' me while I'm kneeling on the floor. I stand up slowly. ChiChi freezes...grabs her chest in shock and gasps. That's my cue to back away slowly. But she turns around and seems to look right at me.
No, her eyes look past me, not at me.
Damn, I can't stand this...let's see....Gohan. The instant I think of Gohan I'm beside him in the bedroom. He's fallen asleep in the same chair ChiChi was sleeping in when I died.
I reach my hand out and touch his hair. Soft as when he was little...his face so sad. I want to comfort him one more time...even though I hate how sentimental it is. So I put my arms around him. His head comes to rest on my chest...I feel him dreaming of happier times.
...there's something comforting about holding this young man. He feels strong and alive. His aura is blue-white and always moving. I think it was white until I died.
"Gohan, thanks for taking care of me. Thanks for just being around when I needed you. You'll never know how much you really meant to me. I should've told you while I could..."
He mumbles my name in his sleep. Maybe he can hear me. Somehow.
"I want you to grow up into a wonderful man. Show my kid how it's done. Keep your promises to him, no matter how stupid, small or silly they seem. Keep him happy."
Shit...I'm crying again. I'm a freaking sissy thanks to this kid....I never thought this would be so hard. But I can't leave him until I know he'll be okay. I've always been there, watching over him, I'm not going to quit that job. Not yet. Not until I think he can go on without me.
You can go any where, any time. Goku's words come back to me.
Any time...
My eyes close and I think of tomorrow. When I open them again my arms are empty, the bed's empty and I see Gohan wailing by a tree outside. Another instant has me right in front of him.
Come on, you can't keep going on like this, Gohan! You're just like your mother in that area.
I need to snap him out of it...but how?
Heh, I put my hand on the branch above my head. It whips forward and smacks Gohan rudely in the face. He stops crying in shock. Same effect as when I'd slap him for whining as a kid. Makes me smile every time.
"That's better. I'll be checking in on you...right now there's something I need to see."
Now I just think of the future. Eighteen years should be enough.
The next time I open my eyes I'm in the bedroom again. It's different than how I remembered. My bed is gone, replaced by a soft mattress on the floor. Only one person sleeps there. If not for the aura around him I wouldn't be able to see him at all.
Doramu...
I kneel at my son's bedside and watch him sleep. He's beautiful...looks just like me, but softer, happier, no permanent lines in his brow from frowning all the time. What's wrong with...oh gods, he's with child. My son is going to have a son!
"Doramu," Lowering all the way, I press my lips to his forehead and brush his antennae back like unruly hair. He's deep in the coma-like sleep that precedes a birth. When I touch the bulge I see the developing child as clear as day. It's just started. A blurry green embryo with dark eye bulges and flipper-like limbs. Good, his growth won't be accelerated like mine.
For a second I shut my eyes. The next time I open them it's morning.
Doramu stirs. Sits up. Sinks. One hand goes to his throat.
Unlike me, he doesn't know what he's doing. I sense he's scared. He doesn't realize he's having contractions and he can't call for ChiChi. I watch him lay on his side, gasping, eyes wide and glazed. Just like a frightened animal.
Wish my dad was here...he'd know what to do... The thought torpedoes through my mind.
I'm here, son, you just don't know it.
He rolls over onto his back. Winces. Goes to rest on his other side. He needs to sit up! The egg will never engage right unless he sits upright!
He's losing consciousness. The egg is cutting off the circulation to his brain. Dammit, I know you want to lay down, but sitting up is the only way you'll bring it up!
"Sit up!" I command him, "You have to sit up. Doramu...sit up or you're going to die!"
I feel his grip on life weakening. The white aura surrounding him threatens to detach. He's separating from his body...I can talk to him.
"Doramu!"
Doramu looks at me in shock. Like me when blood stopped flowing to my brain, he sees only light and not my actual face. "Who're you?"
"Not important right now, kid..." I push him back into his body, "Sit up! That egg won't come up unless you're sitting upright. Trust me, I've done this before..."
"...but sitting up hurts!"
I want to slap sense into him. "I know it hurts, I know...but the contractions will be stronger and push the egg up to the gag reflex. Then you just let it happen. Trust your body, Doramu..."
He stares at me, or rather, at the light that is me. "How do you know who I am? Who are you? You sound familiar...who are you?"
I desperately want to tell him who I am. But I can't....my words freeze before they can escape. I'm afraid he'll think I abandoned him as a baby. Left him as an orphan...I'm such a fool.
Instead of speaking, I just embrace him. To me he feels just as flesh and real as in life and I know I feel real to him. Doramu looks up, blinks and touches my face. He looks so surprised...but doesn't recognize me.
I don't think Gohan told him the story yet. I hope to hell he's just waiting for the right time...
"All will be revealed to you in time. For now, you must live so your son can live. I know you're in pain, but you have to breathe and sit up. You can do this, I know you can. I'm proud of you. Now live, Doramu..."
It dawns on him. "...dad?"
Doramu's body starts breathing again, thus sucking him back in before he can finish his response. He slides off the mattress and sits up against the wall. Taking deep breaths. In pain...how I wish I could comfort him...I feel like I should physically be there to tell him what's happening.
His breathing accelerates. He strains, hisses, relaxes and strains again. I lay hands on his face. I can touch and feel him, but he can't feel me anymore.
"Now just push it up. Burp a watermelon, that's all. It's okay...trust your body."
Doramu strains and strains. The egg won't move no matter how much he pushes. He's not pushing right. I remember when I was in labor, I had to tighten my stomach and thrust upwards. Painful as hell and not something I was used to, but the egg came right out.
I thrust my hands into Doramu's chest and hope it gives him something to push against. C'mon, kid...
His chest tightens exactly as I hoped it would. The bulbous lump moves up an inch...two inches...and stops behind his jaw. I watch his fangs walk it forward. Yikes...his jaw's tighter than mine was because he's tense. But wow, I never realized how frightening it really looked until now.
"That's it, just let it happen...you're doing it!"
Doramu leans forward and lets the egg drop onto the floor with a soft ker-plop. He vomits slime and afterbirth over the eggshell. Nature's way of making it brittle enough for the baby to hatch out. Then Doramu leans back to rest, just as I did, with his jaw completely dislocated. It's not pretty and it takes him awhile to pop it back in. Ouch...
No wonder he had such trouble with the egg, it came out backwards. Pointed end first. I heard it makes labor a lot harder and more dangerous.
I settle behind Doramu and rub his shoulders, feeling like I should do something for him while he waits for his son to hatch.
And when it happens, it's quick. Faster than Doramu's own hatching. A fighter right from the get-go, I like that. Over Doramu's shoulder, I watch the top of the egg cave in. Doramu reaches in and lifts out an exact replica of what he looked like when he was born. A tiny, helpless little creature formed perfectly in miniature.
More of those damn tears...
Doramu seems to know what he's doing now. He rubs the baby's back and chest. "Come on little guy, breathe."
And the little one stirs, flails and squawks, but doesn't really cry. He just opens his eyes and stares into Doramu's. A bright white aura blooms around him like opening rose petals. I'm literally bombarded by the flare of new life and love...the same feelings I felt when I gave birth. Stronger...and more wonderful...I'm glad I got to be here and see it.
I'm so overjoyed that I kiss their foreheads like a little sissy. Can't help it...
Mandorin... He's thinking of that for a name. I silently urge him to use it, it's perfect. The word literally translates to 'my other soul'.
My life has created life...I'm so proud of him.
Good thing I'm already dead, or I'd feel old. I'm a grandpa now...and the wheel of life just keeps on turning.
Mandorin looks directly at me with sleepy eyes, gurgles and drifts off to sleep. Doramu pulls him close and instinctively uses his own body heat to keep the little one warm. Then he looks up and says, "Dad, I did it...I don't know if you can hear me, but I did it...I can't wait to know everything about you. I can't wait."
"I know, son, I know."
And then a very haggard, sleep-heavy ChiChi comes in, looks surprised and starts to gush over the baby. I guess Doramu's used to seeing what she looks like in the morning - he hardly bats an eye at her ragged appearance. He just settles down in bed to rest while she cleans Mandorin up and swaddles him in a blanket. She takes the baby back to his new dad.
"Thanks, mom." Doramu says as he holds his newborn. The baby sleeps soundly, looking innocent and peaceful. It's hard to believe Doramu had once been that small, he's about six foot ten by dead guessing. From sixteen inches to six foot ten...just amazing.
ChiChi kisses his cheek and offers him a sip of water. "I wish Piccolo could be here to see this, he'd be so happy for you, Doramu. Was it hard? Why didn't you call me?"
He looks up, "I tried to call, but my voice wouldn't work...it's weird, but I passed out and I swear I saw my dad! I don't know how I knew it was him...but I swear he was here and helped me."
A small, sad smile blooms on ChiChi's face. Age has been kind to her, she only has a few gray hairs peppering her once black mane.
"I'm sure he was. Now I'm going to go call Gohan and - "
"Nah, don't bother him. Last time he wrote me he was up to his ears in paperwork." Doramu strokes Mandorin's tiny green head and smiles. His aura is different now...brighter with tinges of red and yellow.
ChiChi shakes her head in playful dismay. She seems quite well off without me, which I'm glad for. That poor woman, as bitchy as she is, she's been through so much hell with losing people.
Love. Heh, it's nice and all, but I don't go for the pretty flowers and gushy stuff.
Still...it's nice to know my son and his son won't be viewed as monsters. My sire's evil legacy died with me and I hope it stays that way.
I sit back and watch ChiChi place Mandorin in the same crib Doramu slept in as a baby. She kisses the baby's cheek, then goes over and kisses Doramu's forehead. Both he and the kid are already fast asleep again. Don't blame 'em, they're worn out.
When ChiChi leaves I approach the crib, bend down and pick Mandorin up. He's so light and fragile in my two hands, which he fits in perfectly.
Little Mandorin...you'll have what Doramu and I never had...a father who'll always be there. He'll be good to you, I know he will. Live a good life, kid...for me and your dad.
Mandorin doesn't wake. I smile briefly at his sleeping face and set him down again just as he was before. This is his life now, I don't need to hang around.
I move back to Doramu's side. He's asleep on his side, face once again relaxed and calm. Leaving him will always be hard...and leaving Gohan is next to impossible. I just...feel like I can't let go of him until he's ready to let go of me. Until I know he's going to be okay. I'm just as trapped as I was when I was physically dying. And I hate it.
My hand rests on Doramu's head again. Softly so I won't wake him. Oh wait...he doesn't know I'm here.
"You've become a fine man, kid...a fine man." For some odd reason I lay my hand on his palm. Don't know what made me do that. When I do this, Doramu's fingers close tightly around my hand. I'm instantly reminded of the first time he closed his tiny fist around my fingertip. It'll always be the happiest moment I've ever known...
...I really should leave him now. I'd go see Gohan's wedding, but I don't think I'd be able to stand the mushy stuff. Doramu could, but not me. I'd rather chew glass than sit through a wedding.
Doramu's hand remains tightly clasped on mine, I can't tell where his fingers end and mine begin. Just by holding his hand I see everything he was, is and will be...and he'll be just fine.
...he doesn't even know who I am yet...and he loves me. I'd feel weird about loving someone I never met. Heh.
Time for me to check on Gohan.
I touch my lips to Doramu's forehead, slip my hand out of his grasp and think of the future. In a moment I'm watching Gohan kiss a dark-haired woman. She's massively pregnant...I'm amazed she doesn't deliver right there on the porch. So far they look happy...heh...he did find himself a wife and produce a squirt.
Fast forward a bit...next thing I know I'm in the forest. Gohan and Doramu sit quietly next to a dying campfire. I know instantly by their faces that the story is being told. My story...our story...and when I glance over I see Goku standing behind Gohan. He's grinning like the idiot he is.
"Took him almost twenty years, but he's getting it out."
"Can't imagine why he took this long," I mutter.
Gohan falls silent, struggling not to cry. Looks like this wasn't the first time he tried to tell it all. The awed look on Doramu's face leads me to believe he's remembering the egg incident. He knows it was me there...he smiles, but doesn't tell Gohan why. Happy tears sparkle on his cheeks. He's about to say something when Mandorin falls out of the bushes.
The look on Gohan's face is priceless. Too bad he didn't get to meet the little one when he was a few minutes old...he's fatter than Doramu was. ChiChi probably spoils him...I don't blame her though.
I watch Doramu point to the open photo album and happily say, "Lookie here, that's your grandpa Piccolo."
"Grandpa Piccolo?" Goku bursts out laughing, he's never going to let me live it down.
A growl from me, "Shut up before I make you shut up."
He grins that stupid, empty-headed grin at me, "You're still too serious. Loosen up. Heh, I'm gonna go check on ChiChi. See you later!"
Good, get out of here for right now. I need it quiet so I can think....I want them to know I'm here. How can I show them? Rustling trees won't do it. Then I spy a butterfly...
Getting that stupid bug's attention takes longer than I thought. While I'm trying to bring it my way, Gohan picks Mandorin up and holds him. I finally get the butterfly to land on my finger and guide it to land on Mandorin's. It'd be strange if it doesn't fly away when he moves, right?
And meanwhile Gohan and Doramu talk about what they think Goku and I are doing right now. Heh...adventure...that does sound like fun. Maybe I'll go start one when I get out of here.
Doramu looks momentarily sad...but shakes it off. He glances at the butterfly, smiles and meets Gohan's eyes again. I hear ChiChi scream about dinner being ready. They both laugh.
"We should get going," says Doramu, who still looks highly amused.
Gohan's eyes drift away to the tree I used to meditate under all the time. "Go on, I'll catch up later."
There's another wisecrack from Doramu before he smiles, waves and starts walking off. My God, it's like a mirror image of me. Right down to the clothes...but he's got his own life and spirit...everything I wanted for him has come true.
Except I'm not part of it. I never will be...
And I just forgot about the butterfly. It's a lapse just long enough for Mandorin to scare it away.
"Go-go!" the baby claps his hands, which sends the little white butterfly fluttering away in terror.
Gohan blinks, watches it and takes a deep breath. I feel his thoughts settling down. He can tolerate the pain now...there's resolve, he's accepting that I'm not with him anymore. I still exist, but not with him.
Slowly, I move forward behind Gohan and place my hands on his shoulders. Leaning on him a little, even though I know he can't feel me....or if he does it's probably just a faint warmth. For the first time since I've known him, Gohan doesn't start to cry when I really expected him to.
In his mind I was more of a father to him than Goku. And honestly, he's right....I feel like I'm the one who raised him from a boy to a teenager. Goku was always leaving, choosing adventure over family. Him and his screwed up mind. I don't think he ever realizes how much it hurt them.
I really don't mind either. Towards the end I wanted nothing but to have people around me. Funny, coming from a solitary bastard like me, but it took me my whole life to admit I'm lonely.
Gohan looks down at Mandorin's chubby green face. Down into his shiny, almost grotesquely oversized black eyes.
"Goodbye," he whispers.
I have no idea why, but I'm again stricken with sissified tears. When did I lose control of my emotions? When I died? I just...he's let me go...just like that, he let me go. For nineteen years he's been tormenting himself over my death.
But...
...I'm free...
Gohan's going to be fine now, now that he's found it in himself to see more than just my absence in his life. He's funny like that. Every time I think he'll fail, he pulls something out of his ass and proves me wrong.
I'm proud of you, Gohan. I didn't think you'd get through this one. Now go see your mother, she misses you.
That's the fun thing about being dead, you can plant suggestions in peoples' heads. Makes me wonder if Goku was the one who gave me all those stupid ideas about sex and love and all that mushy stuff.
Gohan starts towards the house with Mandorin on his hip. I don't follow...I just watch him walk out of my afterlife and into his future.
...feh...I'll go forward a little more.
....sunrise. Bright red and gold.
Doramu stands on the cliffside, releasing rose petals onto the desert floor. I'm guessing this is the spot where Gohan burned my body.
While my boy stands there, I really look at him. He looks strong. Slimmer than I was, but strong and muscular. It really is like looking in the mirror. Right down to how the wind blows his cape out behind him like wings. In the growing sunlight I see only faint traces of my sire's cheekbones on him. Same as me, I guess it's a trait that'll stay for good.
But the memories....they stop with me. From now on my child, his child and his child's children will have their own souls and lives. Untainted by my bitterness.
I'm beside my son now...where I wish I could be in life. I'd stand in him, but that feels too creepy even for me, it's not my place to invade his thoughts. I settle instead for the subtle hand on his shoulder.
Suddenly he turns and looks right at me...at the sunrise...but his eyes are fixed on mine. There's tears in them. He knows I'm here. He knows.
"I love you, son...never forget that, okay?"
All he'll hear is wind. But he surprises and amazes me again.
He smiles into my eyes, "I love you too, dad. Thank you for my life."
You're welcome...and thank you for being the best part of mine.
I continue forward a few days. Suddenly I'm in a hospital. Everybody - Doramu, Mandorin, Gohan, ChiChi, Videl and that oaf Mr. Satan are all crowded into a room. All of them ooh-ing and ahh-ing over a tiny baby girl in Videl's arms.
I'll be damned, Gohan had a daughter. Her bracelet says Pan. Heh, doesn't he know Pan means 'beloved' in Namekian? Did I tell him? I don't remember...must be coincidence.
And it's Goku's turn to giggle and coo over his grandchild. I just stand back and watch him have his fun, he looks so happy that I don't want to ruin it. He doesn't hang around as long as I did...a few seconds later he's standing next to me again. Both of us watching his...our....family.
"I think they're doing okay now, what do you think?"
I don't reply right away. Too busy watching them. Deep down it hurts to know I can watch, but not be part of their lives. I hate sitting on the sidelines. I can tell it's hard on Goku too....his smile seems unusually empty.
...they don't need us anymore.
"Goku," I turn to him and lower my head. "What do we do now?"
"Do? If you're ready, we can go to the check in station. Get you signed into Heaven and all that. Then you can enjoy eternity." He shrugs.
"Oh come on, I don't want to sit around, waiting for them to arrive! There's got to be something better out there!"
"Heheh...just wait until your brain finishes dying."
I stare blankly at him. "But I've been flipping through time, what do you mean my brain is still alive? We're twenty years away from where I died!"
"It's really hard to explain, but there's just enough life left to keep you here on Earth. It's the reason you feel the need to stay. It's unconscious, but it's there...just the clinging instinct I guess. Your body's in one piece and you don't want to leave it behind. Hard to leave what's familiar. That's why I had it easy, my body got obliterated. Nothing to hold me down."
"That's just great." I curse silently. "You know, Goku...I want to be able to go back and do it all again. Only I'll be able to make my own choices, grow up, grow old...I didn't get either last time. I want it all." An idea hits me, a far, hopeful idea. "Didn't you say people could go back?"
Goku grins happily and links both hands behind his head. "Yup! I've been thinkin' about doing it myself!"
"...that's what I'm going to do, but first I need to know something."
"Yeah?"
"What if Gohan arrives and I'm not there? Or Doramu, or anybody else we know?"
Goku falls over, gets up and balks at me. "Piccolo! There's no such thing as time anymore, remember? I still feel like I just died and it's been seven years. Trust me...a lifetime is just a heartbeat now. So go on, I'll find you."
"Not if I find you first."
He flashes a peace sign, grins and vanishes into a glowing vortex. The moment before he enters the light, he becomes a ball of stars and swirls into the brilliance.
I shoot a last look towards what used to be the family I loved. They don't belong to me anymore, just as I don't belong with this world. I know my destiny is far away....far into forever.
All at once, I'm back near where I started. This time out in the desert. Floating above my body, which lies on the wooden pyre. It's oddly easier to be here when I know Gohan will eventually be okay. He's hurting now, but he'll survive and become the man I hoped he would be.
I'm surrounded by flames...nobody ever told me fire looks beautiful from within. When I look straight up I see this swirling tunnel of fire and smoke. The sun shines brilliantly in the center like a beacon. Smoke paints it an almost cherry red. Other stars come out around it until I'm again treated to the same vista I saw before I fell asleep.
And this time nothing will stop me from reaching it.
I look down at my body as it burns away. First into bone, then ash. I feel lighter...nothing holding me down. A giant weight just fell off my shoulders. Was that tug really my body? It was so heavy!
....I'm....I'm free.
I turn my gaze on Gohan once more. He can't stand to watch me burn, I don't blame him.
But he'll be fine. I can leave him now, everything I hope he'll get will come to him.
Bye, kid.
And I rise through the fiery tunnel. Each second brings me closer to the light. I'm moving so fast that time itself can't even keep up. I see all my memories flying by...and slipping away. Further....further...but I'm not scared or saddened by their loss. They'll be back later. Doramu's birth is the last to go. I reach out and soar straight into his shining eyes.
I don't even know who I am when I finally reach the light. All I know
is it's beautiful and it's calling me. For one eternal moment the entire
universe reveals itself to me in all its glory. A chaotic mess of stars,
galaxies, nebulae and superclusters. And then all fades to bright oblivion.
Rough hands shake me awake from a sound sleep. The hell? Damn, these station seats are frigging uncomfortable. What time is it?
"Can't you stay awake for two hours? Come on!"
"Yeah, yeah..."
I begrudgingly heave myself to my feet, pick up my bag and look up at the holographic panel on the wall. My flight, Starliner Eternity, will be departing for Antares in the next ten minutes. The journey of a lifetime. I can't believe Kugo and I did it!
Turning from the panel, I look out the space station window. Earth looks like a giant blue half-globe in the bright sunlight. It glistens, a polished blue gem against the speckled blackness of space. It's the only home I ever knew and I'm leaving it for good. I never really belonged there to begin with...but still...it's home.
How can I thank this world for what it gave me? How do I say goodbye?
Kugo's reflection appears in the clear plastic separating me from the vacuum outside. He sounds excited as usual. "Hey, Cipoclo, they're starting to board. C'mon already!"
I don't even look at him. "Yeah, just gimme a minute, okay?"
My buddy politely shuts up.
I touch a hand to the cold, clear plastic and stare at Earth. It looks so small. And just above it, smaller still and much redder, is my destination. The star that's called to me since I was born. It's wonderful, knowing that I'll soon be looking up at it from the surface of a planet twice the size of Earth.
Days like this make me glad to be alive.
"Ciiiiiip, come on!" Kugo tugs my arm. He's terrified we'll miss the ship. "Are you ready to go yet?"
Turning back to the window, I cast a final look at the world that gave me life. "Goodbye..."
Another impatient tug. "Now are you ready?"
The melancholy leaves me. I face Kugo and grin, "Yeah, I'm ready. Let's go."