This story takes place right after the Season 4 episode "Crossfire" and heavily references the episode, so if you haven't seen it in a while, here's a refresher of my favorite scene (because it's so painful and wonderful at the same time!), all from Odo's POV!
"One Touch"
Odo remembered the moment all too clearly. The pain, the sorrow, yet the happiness he had felt for her. While it hurt him more than he would admit, if it made Kira smile like she had the day she had told him, Odo wanted nothing more and nothing less than for Kira Nerys to be in a romantic relationship with Bajor's First Minister Shakaar.
But that didn't mean the thought of what Shakaar had that Odo didn't have made him feel any better.
The night before, Odo had stood outside of Kira's quarters as if doing his duty of standing guard for the First Minister Shakaar. But, instead of feeling a sense of professionalism as he did this, pain had shot through him at the very thought that the Minister had been in there with her for all those hours. With every passing second, his spirits had sunk lower and lower, pulling him into the darkest of moods. He didn't want to think what they might be doing…why they were in there for the entire night. As he had stood there, unmoving, outside of her door, he had felt a darkness descend upon him. But, the darkness he had been plunged into did not contain any anger. No—it contained a desperate, hopeless sorrow.
Kira was in a romantic relationship with someone else, and now, Odo would never be able to tell her how he felt.
Once the Minister had left—in the morning, Odo couldn't help but notice—Kira had been glowing with joy. She had invited Odo into her quarters, and the constable had had to shake his thoughts off of the turbulent emotions inside of him and attend to business. His heart was breaking and he had been only too acutely aware of every jab, every scrape of the sharp edges of that heart as it shattered, piece by piece, and landed in a broken heap at the bottom of his soul.
Odo had tried to focus, tried to do his job as chief of security. But, with the sight of the candle and the empty champagne glasses on the table—no doubt lingering signs of the romantic night before—his thoughts had been derailed, completely diverted. He hadn't even noticed he had reached out to touch one of the glasses, wishing against all odds that he had been the one to share the night with Kira.
But, once he had realized what he was doing, he had retracted his hand with a jolt, embarrassed at his unrestrained actions and the laughter he had elicited from Kira. The words had fallen out of his mouth as if automatically: "Did I do something amusing?" How many times had he said those words when one laughed in his presence? Odo knew they were a way of distancing himself from the other person, trying to keep himself from feeling like he had to indulge in societal customs that had nothing to do with the job at hand. They were effective words, but not that day. That day, they had been nothing more than his desperate attempt to gain some time to collect himself, to pull himself together so he could go on with the investigation of what had happened in the turbolift yesterday. He would not let these feelings get in the way of what he had known for all these years: order could only be attained from a professional, guarded attitude. With this façade, he knew he couldn't be hurt.
And, right there, sitting on the couch, arms wrapped around her legs, Kira had spilled all of her emotions about being with Shakaar, telling Odo about how she had never known she would be more than friends with the Minister. He had listened with rapt attention, horrified at the words that had come out of Kira's mouth, making it sound like she and Shakaar were exclusive—official. But, something in the back of Odo's mind couldn't help but wonder at how Kira could tell him all about what she was feeling, and he couldn't tell her a word of what he was feeling.
However, with his next utterance, he had reciprocated with the only emotion that he felt he could bare to her. "I'm happy for you." It was true. He was very happy for her. But with this joy came a bitter poison that had filled his soul.
Kira had proclaimed that all this talk of her new feelings about Shakaar must seem silly to Odo. This was Constable Odo she was talking to, the unsympathetic Changeling who did his duty, maintained order, and did not indulge in any socializing for frivolous matters. Kira knew she had a relationship with Odo that most people didn't have, but that friendship, to her, held not even the slightest chance of turning into the delights and joys of a romantic relationship. Odo had made it known to all who knew him that he was off limits to any romance, and Kira had respected that.
What was once a shield to protect Odo had turned into a barricade that was unable to be torn down by his desperate attempts, a fortification that kept him trapped inside a lonely keep. And, with all his heart, Odo wanted those walls to come crashing down.
But, they steadfastly and stubbornly remained.
Odo remembered turning around, telling her, with halting words, that no, it was not at all silly to him. And it wasn't. It was very serious. He had turned around to face the far bulkhead as a way to keep himself from feeling her radiance, from feeling the overwhelming love she felt for someone besides him. While he was happy for her, the thought was too painful for Odo, and he had to turn around to try and keep his world from falling apart around him. If he didn't look, he might be able to bear it.
But, what had come next had made his heart swell with emotions—so many emotions, all at once. Emotions that had threatened to consume him. Emotions that had both killed him and made him come to life in a forbidden bliss. A bliss that would never be felt from both ends.
Kira had come up to him and hugged him, arms wrapped tightly around his humanoid form. At her one touch, Odo had felt that surge of bliss. She was holding him, sharing her own happiness with him. For that first moment, he was in heaven, savoring her touch, feeling all his strength and fortitude weaken in a type of weakness he embraced instead of shunned, forgetting all the heavy sorrow he had just been feeling. She had set those emotions free from him, like freeing birds from a cage. And, in their place, he had felt nothing but pure bliss.
But, after a moment, the realization had hit him harder than it ever had before. He was so in love with her, but he couldn't make himself move. He had wanted so badly to turn around and return her embrace, to wrap her smaller form in his arms, to release all the pain and suffering both of them had ever felt in their lifetimes. But he didn't. Because it was right then that Odo realized the harsh, bitter cold of the truth.
She was not his, and he was not hers. Like Kira had said, the words only a faint echo next to the emotions spinning through Odo at the time: "You are such a good friend to me." Friend.He could not share what he wanted to share with her. He could not give her all of his affection, showering her in his care and warmth. And she could not return the love; she could not make him feel, for once in his life, like he really, truly belonged.
The realization was more painful than the worst of pains.
As Odo lay on the floor of his quarters, having exhausted himself to literally a puddle, his pail that held the flowers Kira had given him all those months ago upturned beside him, his belongings around him ruined from his outburst earlier that day, he reflected on the emotions he had felt in the last 26 hours. The pain, the bliss, the sorrow, the joy. All these emotions were so strong, so prevalent. Odo didn't know what to do with himself but keep his distance from Kira—for his sake more than hers—and continue on with his routine. His routine was safe. He couldn't get hurt if he followed his schedule—if he kept organized. He needed these aspects if he were to survive this. And, like always, he would survive.
Although, something inside of him kept going back—kept marveling at the fact of how one touch from Kira could leave him feeling such a mix of emotions, some he couldn't even begin to comprehend. Feelings that had flourished so long ago, especially that time when Kira had rested her hand on his and pretended he was her lover for the sake of pushing an unwanted suitor away. That one touch had set his emotions in a whirl, turning his world upside down with feelings he hadn't known how to handle. And now, with this realization, his emotions for her were stronger than ever.
Odo decided it was time to shift his attentions to other matters, pushing the painful thoughts into a deep corner of his mind, a corner that was so far away from his heart that he couldn't get hurt. In the dark of his quarters, in his liquid state, with nothing but the cold depths of space outside of the bulkheads surrounding him, Odo would allow himself to go through these toxic thoughts, to sift through these painful emotions. But, he knew that in the morning, when he was shifted back into his humanoid form, he would have to push aside the emotions that had arisen in him from that one touch from Kira. He would be strong enough to begin another day, safely set in his harmless routine.
Poor Odo! I feel for him, that's for sure. I really hope you enjoyed! I wrote this piece one night in a fevered moment of inspiration. It's the type of story that is either too angsty for your tastes, or hits the spot. I hope it did the latter for you! Please review! But, you should know that I've just started Season 5 of DS9 and I don't know what—if anything—will happen between Kira and Odo, so please don't give anything away about future episodes! But, I would really really appreciate some feedback! Thanks for reading! :)