Author's note: If the first part of my nickname didn't give it away: This is my favorite Degrassi pairing. By far.
Rated T for the mentions of cutting and depression.
Butterflies
Someone once told Ellie that she was like a butterfly. That she had transformed from a shy and insecure child to a head-strong, beautiful young woman. That she had found her wings and was ready to spread them.
Ellie believed it. For once, everything seemed to go right. Her mom had stopped drinking, her father was back home, and for the first time she had found friends that cared about her. She was fourteen years old en sure that from now on, it could only get better.
She was wrong.
She realized this as soon as her father left again. The look in her mother's eyes said everything. The slight twitch of her eyebrow, the quiver in her hands. Those were signs that Ellie had learn to read a long time ago. When she found the empty liquor bottle the next morning she wasn't surprised.
She could feel her wings shrink a little.
Ellie was back to being the parent, while her mother was the child. The worst thing about it was that it was nothing new. Nothing had changed. It would never change. Ellie was sure of this as she saw her mom spiral down the well known path of depression once again. Ellie could feel herself heading down there too. Could feel the colors on her wings fade.
She couldn't talk to anyone. Once upon a time she could have talked to Marco, but with everything that happened between them, it didn't seem right. Ashley was a great friend, but she wouldn't understand this. And how could she, when Ellie didn't understand anything herself anymore? Suddenly, all that her life was about was pain. The pain of her father leaving. Of her mother slowly killing herself, and killing Ellie in the process. The pain of cool metal against her skin. Pain was all she got now. It was her biggest enemy and her only comfort.
-X-
There are many people who notice beauty. Who see things that others don't. These people aren't always what you would expect them to be, though. Sometimes, the people who recognize true beauty, are the ones that know what ugly really looks like.
-X-
Ellie should have known better than to think that everything would be fine once she found someone to talk to. Not even talk, really. She never told Sean about the deep feelings of hate, towards herself, towards her mother, that she felt. She didn't tell him about the times that she would wake up in the middle of the night, fighting the urge to fall back into the routine she missed so much. She was pretty sure he would think she was sick, no person is supposed to miss pain.
So she didn't talk, not really. But that was fine. Because Sean made her feel good about herself and so everything was going to get better.
She had told herself that once before. She had been wrong. Now, she was wrong again.
Sean had given her back some color. As he left, he took it with him. And then some. Her wings were turning brown, then grey, then black. Or maybe it wasn't Sean who stole her colors. Maybe that was all her own doing. Cause when she opened up one of her old cuts, she was pretty sure she could feel her wings grow almost transparent.
-X-
It wasn't his job to notice. It sure as hell wasn't his job to care. He wasn't Sean. He didn't get a kick out of helping some depressed goth with her problems. But then again, Sean wasn't there. He just left her. Didn't he ever notice how fragile she was? Jay didn't even care, but he had. He'd seen the look in Ellie's eyes when no one was watching. He'd seen her smile disappear as soon as no one paid attention to her.
He didn't give a shit. He really didn't, but he had asked Sean how she was doing none the less. Sean said she was fine, that they had worked out her problems. Jay didn't believe it for a second. Just like he didn't believe that Ellie was dealing with him leaving in anything even resembling a healthy way. But he didn't care. It wasn't his job to care.
-X-
She tried to stop. She tried it time and time again and sometimes she would succeed. Sometimes she wouldn't. After a while, it didn't seem like such a problem anymore. Sometimes she would cut, sometimes she wouldn't. Sometimes she would be happy, sometimes she would feel like dying. Nothing wrong with that.
By now, het wings felt broken. Every time someone broke her spirit, it was just another bruise. Every time she bled, it was just another scratch. Every time her heart broke, it was just another gun shot. Her mother. BAM. Marco. BAM. Sean. BAM. Craig. BAM. Jesse. BAM.
It took her five heartbreaks to realize that she wasn't meant to be happy.
It was ironic really, that after all of that, she was the one to clip her own wings. They fell limply to the ground, the day she decided to never let anyone come near her heart again.
-X-
It was a long time ago that Jay Hogart had seen Ellie Nash. He almost didn't recognize her. The last time they had met, she didn't look overly depressed. To others, she probably didn't look depressed at all, but Jay knew despair when he saw it. And he saw it every time he laid eyes on her.
Even so, it had never been this bad. Not since Sean left. She had grown up, obviously. She wasn't sixteen anymore, she was twenty-five. Her hair was cut short, bringing out her eyes. They looked empty.
When she spoke, to answer his question, she sounded hallow. "I'm doing fine! How about you?"
Jay contemplated on just letting it rest. He had his own issues. His own heartbreak. There was a Manny-sized gap in his chest and he didn't need anyone else's problems to fill it up. He had already opened his mouth to tell her that he was doing great himself, when something else entirely slipped out.
"I feel like shit. But then again, so do you."
-X-
Ellie promised herself that she would learn from her mistakes. Hope, for one, had been a big one. Thinking that things would get better. It was stupid. Completely and utterly idiotic. That was what she told Jay. That she may feel like shit, but that it was fine, because at least she knew what was coming. No ugly surprises. No hurt feelings. She told him this, on a random bench in the park. And when she was finished, she told him that it was none of his business anyway. She didn't need anything. She didn't need anyone.
-X-
There was something about beauty. The most beautiful things often hide in the darkest places. He saw beauty there, underneath the harsh words and the cold look. He saw it, clear as day.
It really are the people who know what ugly looks like that spot beauty before anyone else does.
"Well, if you don't need anyone, and you have it all so under control, than nothing is stopping you from getting a drink with me is there?"
-X-
Someone once told Ellie that she was like a butterfly. For a long time, she didn't believe it. Happiness didn't know her name, nothing was going to change that. Jay laughing on the other side of the table at a coffee house didn't change it. His hand brushing hers as they walked back to the park didn't change it. None of the glances, the coffee dates, the phone calls meant anything. They couldn't could they?
But slowly, she could feel them grow, underneath her skin. Even if she was trying to stop it. So after a while, she just stopped trying. If heartbreak was going to find her again, she would deal with it when she had to.
It was a long time before she dared to believe she may not have to. It took a lot of gentle kisses. It took a lot of friendly, loving, bickering. It took a lot of Jay.
-X-
And when someone spots something that is worth watching, it is most likely worth holding on to. Jay was going to hold on. Until his fingers gave out.
"I love you."
-X-
Ellie let a smile take over her lips. Jays breath tickled her ear as he said it. His hands were holding onto her hips, almost like they were afraid to let her go. Those words lingered in the air for a few moments, before Ellie softly whispered them back. Believing that they were true.
Jay had been one of the unlikeliest people to notice the butterfly in Ellie. And yet, he had been the one to give her back her wings.