Yellow diamonds in the light.
Now we're standing side by side.
As your shadow crosses mine.
What it takes to come alive.
It's the way I'm feeling I just can't deny.
But I gotta let it go.
-Rihanna, "We Found Love"
Sara met her in the line of Starbucks. Her hair was a short pixie cut while her bangs were spiked. The dark brown leather jacket made her seem rough around the edge, a badass, someone you won't mess with in a dark alley. She had the presence of a woman who knew the streets, but wasn't violent unless provoked. She was the type of woman Sara wanted by her side.
Sara hated lines. She had an important deadline to make before noon. It was one reason she hated waking up late, but somehow her alarm clock wasn't set.
She folded her arms. When will the line move so she can leave for work?
"My boss is going to have my badge if the line doesn't move." Sara heard the woman mumbled.
"You're not the only one. I have a meeting in twenty minutes. It's really ten if you don't count traffic," Sara responded to her. She doubted the woman heard her.
"Ten minutes?" The woman looked at her.
She was proven wrong.
"It's a long story, but I would really love a cup of coffee. Something to keep me awake through the day."
The woman chuckled.
"I know what you're saying. The type of work I do, coffee is a requirement."
Soon the line began to move.
"Finally. I guess we will get our coffee in no time.
Sara agreed. They shared a few more words until the woman received her order and left the shop. Sara watched her leave before someone shouted at her. She shook her head and made her order. After getting her coffee and croissant, her eyes lingered at the doorway. She sighed.
Why did she want the woman to return?
~oOo~
Sara met her again while running through the park. Sara wasn't a runner but she wanted to stay in shape. Most people think she was too thin. They might be right, but they obviously didn't care about their health. Heart disease ran in her family and she wanted to do everything in her power to maintain her health.
She almost ran five miles when she saw the woman sitting at the park bench, reading a book. The small sunglasses made her appear like someone from the Matrix. Sara noticed the woman wore the same dark brown leather jacket which fitted her to the T. Her hair wasn't spiked from their last encounter, but gelled to her head. She actually liked the woman's hair spiked but it was her personal preference.
Sara didn't know if she should stop and reintroduce herself to the woman. She wondered if she still remembered her from Starbucks a few weeks ago. Sara didn't know but the urge to speak to her was stuck in her mind. Maybe a small chat would ease it. If the woman didn't remember her, at least she heard her voice again.
"Hey! Your order was black coffee with light cream." How the hell did Sara remember her order?
The woman looked up from her book and smiled.
"And yours were Mocha Latte with extra cream and little milk, right?"
Now, how the hell did she know about her order?
"I heard it before I left the store. You like running?"
Sara stood in front of the woman and couldn't take her eyes off her breast. Perhaps it was the way the tight red shirt made them appear bigger or the lack of sex in her love life, but they were a distraction.
"It depends on the day. But after the meeting I had yesterday, I needed a distraction." She looked into the woman's dark brown eyes and thought they were pretty. Beautiful seemed to describe her eyes a bit better.
"I should try running. My partner is an avid runner. Well, was an avid runner. He stopped after our workload increase."
"Partner?" Sara wiped the sweat from her forehead. She tried to push the hurt away but it lingered in her thoughts.
"Yea, as in my partner I work with on the force. I'm a detective."
"Oh," Sara laughed nervously.
From the short talks about their professions to the exchange of numbers, Sara left the part with a bright, big smile on her face. Olivia Benson, the woman wearing the dark brown leather jacket, stayed on her mind for most of the day.
~oOo~
After talking on the phone for a month, Olivia finally asked her out. At first, Sara didn't know what to say. Of course she was attracted to Olivia. She loved her personality. She liked their conversations when it became deep and meaningful. They hardly talk about Olivia's job or the nature of it. All she knew was Olivia is a detective. She found it odd that she can tell her little details of her life but Olivia could not. But Sara didn't voice her opinion about it.
What worried her the most was how to handle an intimate evening with another woman?
Until she met Olivia Benson, she considered herself heterosexual. She loved the male anatomy but did appreciate female beauty. She just never considered dating someone of the same sex. It frightened her. She wasn't a lesbian but she found herself attracted to a beautiful detective who made her feel good with just one word…
How does a date go with two women?
"Dating another woman is like dating a man: you talk, get to know each other, and decide if you want something more. Sometimes, depending on the woman, you go back to her place…"
"I get it." Sara stopped Diana. She was going to dinner with Olivia, not sleeping with her.
"The only difference is you're dealing with another woman. Just relax, Sara, it's not a big deal. Just take it one step at a time and enjoy yourself. If you like her, then continue the relationship."
Sara's head started to spin. Sara didn't know if she could deal with the whole woman kissing woman thing. It was new to her and she felt like she was swimming to Lake Michigan.
A few hours later, Sara met Olivia at some fancy restaurant. Sara wore the silk purple dress which showed off her back. She hoped it was appropriate. She didn't know what to expect. She was so used to the men's gaze but never a woman's.
Olivia came in the restaurant a few minutes later. Sara's face lightened up as she looked at the rosy smile on Olivia's face. Sara's eyes lingered at the black dress she wore. It fitted her, made her skin glow and changed her often serious demeanor.
It made her sexy.
Olivia sat across from her.
"You look nice."
Sara blushed.
"You do too. I mean, it looks stunning on you."
"Thanks. It's like one of the only dresses I have in my closet."
"Every woman needs a few dresses in her closet." Christ, she sounds like her mother.
Olivia sighed.
"True, but I rarely have time to shop or even date."
"Your job?"
Olivia nodded. She smiled sadly.
"Yea. It might be a chance I have to leave early. I'm on call again. I hate to do it—"
Sara touched her hand on the table.
"I'll understand. I used to date…" Sara paused. Could she consider Neal an ex-boyfriend or an ex-fuck buddy? She wasn't sure. "…a consultant for the FBI. He would leave when something came up on the job. In the meantime, let's enjoy this evening. Deal?"
"Deal." Olivia agreed.
Throughout dinner, Olivia avoided talking about her job. How bad was it? Sara was used to worse. She did sleep with a con-artist. Besides that obstacle, they talked about their day and little comments on their favorite shows. Sara did most of the talking while Olivia listened. A slight nod of her head or a small smile encouraged Sara to relax and feel better about agreeing to the date. It was like any other date she had, except it was with an attractive woman with a pixie haircut.
They left the restaurant and went for dessert. Before placing an order, Olivia's phone rang. Sara knew their date officially ended.
"I'm sorry, Sara. Cragen wants me at Central Park as soon as possible. That's what I hate about my job."
Sara offered to drive her there, but Olivia insisted she can catch a cab.
"I had a good time, Olivia."
"Ditto. We should do it again sometime."
They made plans for another date on next Thursday. With a kiss on the cheek, Olivia entered the cab, and went to her destination.
Sara touched her cheek and smiled. She remained calm on the outside but her stomach did backflips as her mind ran amuck. Suddenly she shivered. She looked behind and saw no one. She shrugged it off as she walked up the street.
Sara survived her first date with a woman. She just wished next Thursday would come sooner.
~oOo~
"My mother was an alcoholic."
Sara paused. He spoon rose slightly from the ice cream bowl.
"An alcoholic?"
Olivia nodded.
"She was sober for a while until she went back to the bottle. I thought she was going to change." She looked at the tiles on the floor.
"It must've been difficult." Sara thought about her father and his drinking problem. The man could drink a bottle of tequila and three cans of beer in one hour. He might have been the best lawyer but he was a lousy drunk. No wonder her mother fought him to the grave.
"When I was young, I couldn't have friends over. I had to worry if she was passed out drunk or if she would beat me. I thought marrying this twenty-four year old guy would help me escape from her."
Sara raised an eyebrow. Did she hear her right?
"How old were you when you decided to marry?"
"Seventeen. It didn't happen. My mother made sure of it. The next best option was college. It was when she decided to get clean. I wished it lasted."
"Is she all right?"
Olivia's eyes met Sara's.
"She died a couple of years ago."
"I'm sorry," Sara whispered.
Olivia smiled.
"It took me a while to accept the fact she was an alcoholic. I already grieved for her when she started drinking again."
Sara stared at her in disbelief. She couldn't understand how Olivia could feel indifferent to her mother's passing. But she had to walk in her shoes to understand. Then again, there were many things she didn't understand about Olivia. There were still the inner workings of her…girlfriend she may never fully comprehend. Sara still wanted to try.
"So, what are you doing next week? I'm off until Saturday."
At least the mood changed quickly.
~oOo~
Sara laughed as Olivia wrapped her arms around her slender waist as they roller-skated through Central Park. It was a beautiful sunny day. Warm enough to wear light weighed clothing and avoid wearing heavy coats. It was one of the rare days that the fall season felt more like summer.
Sara almost fall on her face until Olivia caught her and pulled her close. She could feel the fullness of her breast against her back and the hot breath upon her neck. Sara giggled as Olivia teased her about her bad skating skills.
"I never thought I would fall in love for a klutz."
Sara pushed her slightly away, trying to stay mad but failed.
"And you think you're better, Liv?"
"I am better," she whispered seductively in her ear.
Sara shivered. Three months of dating and Olivia knew how to make her melt. She loved the gentleness of her voice and the softness of her touch. Every time she was near Olivia, butterflies formed in her stomach. She was in heaven and didn't want to leave the fluffy clouds.
"In your dreams." She skated further away until she tripped over her own shoes.
Olivia grabbed her wrist and kept her from falling, again.
"Next time, we should ride bikes. I can't keep catching you."
Sara rolled her eyes as a playful smile appeared on her face.
"You know you like catching me." She faced her.
"Really?" Olivia moved closer.
"Really." Sara wrapped her arms around her neck.
Olivia chuckled as she held her by the waist.
"I guess you're right, Sara. I like holding you. It gives me great pleasure just to be near you."
"I like how you're holding me, Benson." Before long she kissed her.
Sara could hear the cat calls and wolf whistles as Olivia released her. She could tell Olivia didn't appreciate the constant stares or objectifying remarks. Sara tried to ignore them, especially the men, but it bothered her. Why couldn't she love Olivia without it becoming a sexual fetish for some and a sickness to others? She wanted to love her without peeving eyes or homophobic and sexist comments.
Sara held Olivia's arm.
"Let it go, Liv. We can go back to the car and find something else to do."
Olivia growled. She still narrowed her eyes at the men who objectified them but slowly the anger evaporated.
"Men. Some of them can be pigs. Are you sure you want to leave?" Olivia's face softened as she looked at Sara.
Sara held her hand.
"I've been ready to leave for a while now. Besides, these skates are killing me."
"We are definitely riding bikes next time." Olivia laughed.
Sara pushed Olivia towards a pile of leaves before skating her way to the parking lot.
~oOo~
Sara lied on the bed, facing Olivia who sat above her. Those deep brown eyes darken with lust as the predatorial grin appeared on her face. Five months of dating and Sara agreed to finally spend the night.
Nervous, scared, horny and many other emotions washed over her face as she looked at Olivia. She never done anything like this before: allowing another woman to make love to her. Hell, she doesn't know what to expect. If it's anything like the ones she saw on "lesbian" porn, she should expect over exaggerated movements and mockery.
Sara felt Olivia's hand caressed the side of her cheek until it reached her collarbone. Soft to the touch which made Sara craved more than just her fingers.
"Don't be nervous, Sara. Relax."
Sara's breath hitched as Olivia's fingers lingered at her hard nipples. Just one touch and she was already over the edge.
"Have…" She paused, feeling her lips being replaced with Olivia's. It was all the answer she needed. The feel of her lover inside her made her skin crawl as her body wanted more. She was better than any men she ever slept with.
Sara arched her back, allowing Olivia more access to her core. The heat, lust and hunger consumed her mind. She found peace in the loving and protective movements of Olivia.
~oOo~
Sara entered the restaurant. A bright smile lightened her face. She sat across from Neal and looked at the menu. She hummed a romantic melody as she tried to find something good to eat.
"You're in a good mood."
Sara blushed. Although Olivia had to leave for work, she made it up to her. She giggled. She loved showers.
"What do you mean? I'm always in a good mood, Caffrey."
"You never glow like that, Ms. Ellis. So, who's the lucky guy?"
"Well, her name is Olivia and I'm seeing her again next week."
Neal's mouth dropped as the waiter came to their table. He wrote down Sara's order while waiting for Neal to speak.
"Come back later when he's done deciding."
For once, she made Neal speechless.
~oOo~
Alex Cabot. Sara didn't loath the woman, but she didn't like her either. She watched from the doorway, observing their interaction. They were close, too close as they laughed together. Sara even noticed Olivia briefly touching her shoulder. She didn't know how long she can take until Olivia saw her.
"Sara, I didn't know you were coming."
Sara cleared her throat.
"I wanted to surprise you. I wanted to take you out for lunch."
"I think I should go. Nice seeing you again, Olivia," Alex said before leaving the apartment.
Sara shivered when she uttered Olivia's name.
Olivia looked at her and folded her arms.
"There is nothing between us anymore, Sara. I will never lie to you."
"Like your job. I had to call your boss to find out you work for the Special Victims Unit. You couldn't trust me enough to tell me."
"Maybe that's why I didn't tell you. I told you I'm sorry about it, but you didn't have to snoop in my business to find out."
Sara hated how her thoughts went from their arguments on trust to the smell of her girlfriend and how the black tank top fitted her frame. Olivia was irresistible when angry.
"You could have told me up front."
Olivia shook her head.
"You know what? I'm not hungry right now. I'll talk to you later."
When the door shut in front of her, Sara felt guilty.
~oOo~
Making up was fine, but make up sex was better. Sara stitched Olivia's back as her fingers thrust insider her. Sara straddled her lap, rocking to her rhythm while she sucked between her breasts.
"Oh God!" Sara cried.
"You like that," Olivia whispered, sucking on her earlobe.
Sara answered with a moan. She pressed her feet upon Olivia's back. She felt the room spinning as she arched her back and came.
Olivia kissed her passionately, exploring her mouth while her hands moved possessively over Sara's body. Sara returned the kiss, tasting her, running her hands through her damped hair.
Gentle caresses and tender kisses seemed to fill their time until Sara rested her head on Olivia's shoulder, coming down from her high.
They laid on the bed, in each other arms. Olivia rested her head on her stomach.
"Forgiven?" Sara whispered.
"For now," Olivia mumbled.
Sara kicked her playfully.
"I should leave you for that, Benson."
~oOo~
"No."
"Why not? Let's move in together, Olivia. We've been together for almost seven months—"
"I said no." Olivia stood from the table and walked towards the window. Sara followed her.
"Is it because of your job? I know you are a detective for the Special Victims Unit. I know you work long hours. And I know you see some of the heinous crimes imaginable. I don't care about that, none of that. I want this to work."
"You don't understand the full nature of my work. I have to spend days, even weeks on one case or even work two at a time. They affect the way…I don't want you to be a part of it, baby."
Sara frowned.
"What about your partner Elliot? He's married with kids and he have too—"
"He's getting a divorce," Olivia said.
"What?"
"His wife filed the papers. He's a mess and it's going to get worse. Sara, please understand that no matter how much I love you, I can't move in with you. It will not work. How will the people at work fee—"
"It's none of their damn business what I do in my private life. I dated…"Sara stopped. There were things she will keep to herself.
"What?" Olivia raised a brow. "Keep going."
Sara shook her head.
"I don't feel like it. I better leave." Sara picked up her purse when Olivia stopped her. She wrapped her arms around Sara's waist and pulled her close. She kissed Sara on the forehead before laying her head on her shoulder.
Sara sighed. She loved that woman but there were times she worried about her.
~oOo~
It's been weeks since she last heard from Olivia. She tried calling her but with no answers. Sara decided to do the unthinkable and visit her at her workplace. She knew Olivia didn't want her anywhere near the place but she had no choice. She was simply worried about her.
Sara stood in the police station. She was out of place compare to the dull colors, sour facial expressions, and smell of stale coffee. She was among the suspects, criminals and officers of the law. A man walked too close to her, trying to feel her up. She pushed him away, narrowing her eyes at him. He was about to react when Elliot pushed him in the cell.
"Are you alright?"
Sara nodded.
"I'm fine. Is Olivia here?"
Elliot sighed, rubbing the back of his neck, keeping a cool demeanor despite the chaos in the room.
"Sara…"
"Please, Elliot, just tell me."
Elliot turned his face towards the backroom.
"She's in there."
Sara thanked him and went inside the backroom. She saw her girlfriend lying on the bottom bunk bed. She walked slowly to the bed and sat on the edge. She caressed the side of Olivia's face. She frowned, her eyes trailed from the black circles to the crow's feet at the corner of Olivia's eyes.
She pushed back some of the hair from her face and planted a kiss on Olivia's lips. She blinked her eyes a couple of times until they stayed glued to Sara. She smiled.
"Sara."
"Miss me."
"A lot." She melted into the kiss. Wrapping her arms around Sara's small neck, she pulled her close, caressing the naps of her full hair.
Sara pulled away.
"When are you coming home?"
"When Elliot and I close the case."
Sara moved away from Olivia's embrace and leaned against the metal post. Olivia sat up.
"Don't be like that. This man killed twelve innocent girls. I have to stop him."
"Olivia, you've been working on this case for weeks and you still didn't catch him. I'll understand you need to get him. I want him caught too, but it's not doing you any good by staying up all night, without sleep."
"I am getting sleep." She rose from the bed and straightened her clothes. She was about to leave until Sara held her by the wrist. Olivia turned to her, shock and anger shown on her face.
Sara recoiled but stood on her grounds. She had to be firm with Olivia despite the swirling of her stomach and the hitch of her breath. She never knew how frightened she was until the very moment, standing across from Olivia the detective not Olivia the lover.
"Really? The bags under your eyes tell a different story. Please, go back to your place and sleep for a while. When your body is rested and mind cleared, then you can get him and bring his ass to justices."
Olivia jerked her wrist from Sara's grip and leaned against the wall.
"Sara, I'm not Peter Burke who have a stress free job. I'm a detective and I have to deal with the scrum of the earth. He deals with petty crimes while I deal with heinous crimes. That's why I didn't want to get you involved." Her voice was like venom to Sara's ears. Her once playful brown eyes were dead, harden like the criminals she hunted down. Olivia was gone and Benson took her place.
Sara turned her head and saw Elliot standing near the door. He cleared his throat but she knew he wanted to leave them alone for few more minutes.
"Olivia, we have a lead. I can ask Munch to—"
"I'm on my way. Thanks," Olivia said as she grabbed her coat from the nearby chair and ran out the room.
Sara looked at the closing of the door and remained quiet. Maybe Olivia was right.
~oOo~
Getting the key to Olivia's apartment was not a problem. The problem was hoping she return to her apartment in time. Sara sipped some of her wine until the door opened. With a seductive stare, Sara looked at her which surprised but encouraged Olivia to walk closer.
Sara pressed her knees on the sofa cushion. Only long, double looped pearls hung from her neck as her arm rested on the sofa. Olivia held them. Her fingers lingered on the tiny cream-colored balls. Despite the smudginess of her shoulders and tired posture, Olivia smirked. This encouraged Sara to rise from her seat and wrap her arms around her.
"Bad day?"
"It was until now."
Sara wasn't sure how to please Olivia. She was mostly the passive lover in their love making. It wasn't that she was not adventurous. On the contrary, she loved experimenting, but she still felt nervous exploring new territories on another woman's body.
Somehow, by the loud groans coming from Olivia's lips when she nibbled along her clit or her tongue teasing the other woman's wetness, Sara became more confident in her skills. Olivia needed it and she wanted to please her, inside and out.
Sara laid her head on Olivia's chest, staring at her. As Olivia rubbed her hair she whispered,
"Thanks."
"No problem," Sara responded before closing her eyes and slept.
~oOo~
Four months later and their relationship hit a bump in the road. Sara found herself loathing Olivia, even on the good days. She still loved her, even desired to marry her, but Olivia's profession was ruining it. Sara understood that being a detective, in regards to dealing with cases on children and sexual assault, was not easy. There were many sacrifices made and it would be times she will hardly see her. She can understand the dedication to seek justices for those who can't defend themselves. But she can't understand Olivia attempts to push her away, even when she wanted to share some of Olivia's anguish.
Sara asked Olivia to move in with her for the second time. Olivia avoided the question and went to work instead. Sara threw her expensive perfume bottle at the door, frustrated at the lack of communication. Why can't Olivia talk to her? She can leave out the gruesome details and talk to her openly without hiding from her. She didn't want Olivia to turn into her partner.
Olivia's back faced Sara as she tried to sleep. Sara noticed her hair grew longer and reached to her shoulders. Sara didn't have a problem with the length. It was a change, an insignificant part of her life. She could become accustomed to the hair but not to the current state of their relationship.
Sara faced the ceiling, keeping the tears at bay. She didn't want to spend their one year anniversary going to bed angry.
"Happy anniversary, Liv," she whispered.
~oOo~
"We need to talk."
"I can't…"
"Please."
Olivia grumbled as she sat back down.
Sara tapped nervously at the cup of coffee. The stream warmed her face, but didn't hide the stress and frustration riding her mood.
"What is it?" Olivia asked impatiently.
Sara tried to keep calm and collective as her insides did flips and turns, making her feel ill.
"For the past five months, we hardly saw each other."
Olivia laughed bitterly, making the thin hairs on Sara's body stand. She felt her face heated as her hands gripping the cup until her knuckles turned pale.
"Sara, you know my job—"
"You intentionally avoid me. You used to talk to me, even when you had a bad day at work. You became so obsess with your cases, it prevent you from enjoying your life."
"I told you from the start my job will get in the way. You knew it and still wanted to purse a relationship with me. My job requires me to get those scrums off the street and give the victims a voice."
"Are you?" Sara asked calmly.
Olivia narrowed her eyes.
"What do you mean, Sara?"
Sara shivered at the harshness of her voice.
"Your mother was raped and you were the result. Are you doing it to gain justices for yourself and her or the victims?"
"I can't believe this. My mother has nothing to do with it. I'm doing it to bring justices to the victims. I already have closure."
"I don't care if you have closure or not. The point is I'm sick of it!" Sara's voice rose slightly. She didn't mean for it to come out harsh and insensitive, but it was how she felt. She had enough.
Olivia opened her mouth but shut it. She took a deep breath, glancing at her fingers before looking at Sara.
"Like I said, you knew what you were getting yourself into."
"It took me a few months to find out the unit you work at," Sara snapped.
"You snooped into my business without my permission." Olivia gripped the table.
"I didn't need your permission, Olivia. We are together. I have a right to know! At least, we were together."
Olivia raised an eyebrow.
"Now you're giving me an ultimatum?"
Sara kept her eyes on Olivia, fighting the urge to scream or slap her in the face.
"Open up to me and cut back your hours or I'm leaving."
Olivia stared at her with complete surprise and a hint of disappointment. Her lips quivered, hands trembled on the table. Sara thought she saw tears forming in her eyes, but perhaps the lighting in the kitchen made them glassy.
Olivia pushed back some of her hair and frowned.
"I'll guess it is goodbye." She stood from the chair and left the apartment.
Sara heard the door shut as she remained seated. The coffee lost it warmth since she couldn't feel the stream on her face. Her stomach dropped. Eyes became glassy. Sara was lost for words.
~oOo~
Sara nursed her strawberry splash martini. Two months later and she already missed Olivia. She tried to convince herself that it was for the best. She knew it was a front but it made her feel somewhat better.
Who was she kidding? She can't deny the fact she missed her senselessly. She missed the feel of her body next to her own and the morning breath upon the nap of her neck. Sara missed her tender voice and the way it sound whenever she said, "I love you." The intimate moments like the walks in the park or watching those trashy movies which grossed Sara out. Olivia laughed at her reaction. Sara never admitted it but she loved it when Olivia laughed. She seemed human, alive.
Sara was an idiot. If only she was more understanding and considerate, than they would have stayed together.
Sara sipped her martini until she sat beside her.
"Give Olivia sometime."
Sara laughed, feeling the buzz from her third martini.
"How? She's devoted to her job. She pushed me away when I try to get close…"
"She will eventually open up. She's complicated and her job causes her not to think clearly at times."
Sara snorted.
Alex ordered a drink.
"She talks about you. She doesn't talk about her personal life much, even when we were together."
Sara's heart skipped a beat.
"Olivia keeps people away for a reason. She will spend weeks without taking a phone call. It's one of the problems we had while together."
"Let me guess, you gave her a chance," Sara replied bitterly, taking another sip.
"Yes, but it wasn't the reason we broke up. Listen Sara, Olivia misses you. I don't know much about your relationship with her, but there is something between you two. Give her a call. She will let you in but be patient." Alex thanked the bartender.
"I don't know."
"I won't lie, it's hard. Being in a relationship with a law enforcer is not a walk in the park. You find yourself wanting to scream at them."
Sara nodded.
"But, not all relationships are easy. I found out easy relationships are not satisfying." Alex finished her drink and placed the glass on the bar. "Just think it over before you cut her out of your life for good."
Sara stared at her near empty glass. She missed Olivia. She loved her, with all her heart. She hated how Olivia turned into an obsessed monster when it came to the cases. She loathed how she pushed her away. She is afraid to give Olivia one more chance. Was it even worth it?
Sara found herself standing in front of Olivia's apartment. One knock, an apology and they will be together. It was an easy plan in her mind, but not so easy in reality. She just wanted Olivia back in her life. She will try her best to be more understanding and wait for her. Maybe she will come around. Maybe she won't. Sara will have to take a chance.
Her hand hovered over the doorknob until a hard metal rod hit her across the face.
Sara landed on the floor and blacked out.
~oOo~
Sara opened her eyes and looked at the numerous machines surrounding her bed. The smell of polished floors and antibodies flooded her nose. What the hell happened? Why was she in the hospital?
She looked to her right and saw a mass of brown locks lying on the pillow. The dark brown leather jacket hung on the back of the chair, along with two inch boots. Sara pushed back the long hair from her face and stared at the sleeping woman.
She came. She rescued her.
Olivia opened her eyes and yawned.
"Liv…"
"Nice to see you awake."
"What happe…"
Olivia placed her fingers over Sara's lips.
"All you need to know is we got him. You're fine. You're safe." She caressed the side of Sara's face.
"What?" Sara looked around the room. Her heart increased its pace. Who's he? What happened to her? Why was she in the hospital bed?
She wanted to say something, but her throat was suddenly dry. She felt Olivia hugging her, wet tears ran down her shoulders. "Olivia's crying?"
Sara saw her frustrated, upset, and even angry but not crying? She knew Olivia hardly cries or let anyone see her upset. But to see her crying, showing some form of emotions was strange. At the same time, it was a relief. It brought Sara closer to Olivia, a way to understand her.
Sara rested her head on top of Olivia's and rubbed her back. Silences filled the room.
~oOo~
It took Sara three months to find out what happened to her. Olivia didn't want to tell her at first. She believed it was her fault for Sara's attack. Sara felt she deserved to know. Olivia finally told her.
"He was after me. He was released from prison over a year ago. He went under the radar and during that time, he stalked us, especially you. I said some things to him before he was locked up. He used it against me by going after the ones I loved and…" Olivia paused and looked at her hands.
Sara reached over the table and held her hands in her own. Olivia looked up and smiled. She continued.
"…he used you. I'm sorry for getting you into this mess."
"It wasn't your fault, Liv."
Olivia shook her head, holding Sara's hand tightly.
"It was, Sara. I don't know how he found you, but you were hurt because of me. It's one of the reasons I hardly date. The more closer I get to someone, the more my job complicates things. I wish I stopped him before he came after you."
Sara listened. She still had the scars from the attack. The memories of the night haven't come back and parts of her don't want to remember them. Despite Olivia's job, Sara couldn't blame her. It happened, life goes on. She started to move on and she wanted Olivia to do the same. She also wanted Olivia by her side, to help her recover. Then they can save their relationship.
"We can't be together anymore."
Sara stared at her, flabbergasted.
"What? Liv, if it's about—"
"You remember the ultimatum you gave me?"
Sara nodded. She regretted it.
"My job will always get in the way. Maybe I do want to save the world from all evil. Maybe I'm doing it for my mother and me, but when it comes to my job and private life, I can't have both. You deserve better, Sara. I love you but—"
"We can make it work, Olivia! I was being selfish at the time. I know your job will always come first and I'm willing to accept it. I love you, Olivia and I want this to work." She gripped her hand, not wanting to let her go.
"And then what? We will eventually hate each other. I won't let that happen," Olivia said.
Sara didn't know what to say. She could argue with Olivia all she wanted but she was set in her decision. Olivia doesn't take no for an answer, neither did Sara. They were so much alike which brought Sara closer to her but kept them at arms distant.
As much as Sara hoped Olivia will change her mind, she knew she would not. They were quiet for a moment, stuck in their own thoughts. Sara released Olivia's hand and wiped the tears coming down her face. She had to get herself together. It wasn't the right time to cry like a little girl, especially in front of a woman who seen worse.
A waitress came with their checks and each woman paid their respectable bill. They walked outside the restaurant and several miles until they reached Starbucks. Sara chuckled. The shop that started it all.
Sara faced Olivia.
"Thanks for taking me out for lunch. Maybe I can treat you for coffee."
Olivia smiled.
"I'm trying to stay away from coffee. How about tea instead?"
Sara nodded.
"Sure. I'm always up for a change of pace."
Olivia touched her shoulder.
"Be safe, Sara."
Sara wished it didn't have to end.
"You too, Liv." Sara kissed her.
Olivia returned the kiss, taking her time until her cellphone rang. She pulled away and answered it. Sara waited until Olivia was done.
"I have to run. Elliot needs me at Chelsea. I guess I will see you later?"
"Sure." It was a bittersweet ending for both of them. Sara still felt the hurt hovering over her but she still had Olivia as a friend. Maybe, one day, they can resume their relationship. Maybe Olivia will find someone else who will be the one to keep her stable. Sara didn't know but it didn't stop her from loving her unconditionally.
Sara hugged Olivia before she hauled a cab and left her alone on the streets. Sara watched the taxi cab driving down the street before it vanished into the afternoon traffic. Sara pulled the collar of her coat closer to her neck and walked up the street.
As Sara walked, she thought about Olivia. She will not change anything that happened between them. The hurt will go away but the love for her will never disappear. For now, all she could do is breath.