According to Plan

~.~

When I was a little girl, I planned out my entire future. All of it. I would be a chef, I would be a wife, I would be a mom, and I would be happy. And I assumed, as all little girls do, that it would go exactly as planned. Especially since that's how I like to do things: exactly as planned.

When I was 8, I planned out my entire dream wedding, complete with Rachel as maid-of-honor, and down to the details of what flavor the wedding cake would be (white velvet with buttercream frosting) and what song I would dance to with my new husband (Wonderful Tonight).

And the groom? Tall, dark, and handsome, of course. We would meet, fall in love, and live happily-ever-after in the house in the suburbs with a white picket fence and three kids (two girls and a boy, the girls older).

I always pictured meeting this man while in college, and being married soon after, I guess because that's how so many other people did it. Or, because that's what my mother put into my head. As soon as Ross got engaged (which was when I was still in school, I might add), she was already breathing down my neck about finding a man to settle down with. I was twenty-one at the time. Twenty-one!

And then, it didn't happen. There was no one wonderful and amazing in my life. No one that gave me butterflies in my stomach when we kissed, or set off fireworks in my head. No one who I wanted to live my happily-ever-after with. No one who matched the tall, dark, and handsome, made-up man in my head.. There were guys I had fun with, even a couple whom I loved, but no one who felt…right. No one who fit the tall, dark, handsome man's description I had been picturing for nearly two decades.

And then he came along. My parents loved him, of course, since he was their friend to begin with. So, once the shock of us being together had worn off, they were happy for us. And my friends even loved him, once they got past seeing him as a father-figure. And he hung out with and loved my friends, which is a feat in itself. I imagine introducing a man I'm dating to them is something like a single mom introducing the man she is dating to her kid. Only worse. But, he somehow charmed them the way he charmed me, and everything was perfect.

So, of course (though I denied it) I started thinking about our future. And though I realized he was older, that he had already done the dad-thing, and was even onto the grandpa-thing, it never even crossed my mind that he was done with that. That he didn't want more kids. So, when he told me, my dream wedding with him playing the role of groom, and everything that came after, suddenly froze. And it scared me. Because he fit that role to a T. To a T! He was everything I had looked for, everything I had wanted. He even loved everyone I loved…

And in a sentence, a single sentence, that dream started to cloud over in my head.

I tried to push it out of my mind. I couldn't succeed for even one night. I know he was doing the same. I know he felt the same way; I could see it in his eyes. I think I shattered his dreams a bit, too.

And, I know he offered to compromise. I know he said that if kids was what it would take to be with me, he would do it all again, if he had to.

If he had to. He kept saying that. And that's what made me realize that our lives, our futures, were not something we could compromise with. Which neighborhood to live in, where to eat for dinner, if you have three or four kids, those are things you compromise about in a relationship. When one person wants kids and the other doesn't, I don't…I don't think you can compromise on that. Not because I'm stubborn (which, okay, I am), but because it would lead to a life of unhappiness and resentment. And I don't want to resent him. I love him too much for that. And I really don't want to be resented, either.

And, I know, we could have kept up with a false pretense of being on the same page for the time being. We could have gone on for years. We could have held on for just a bit longer. But, then, it would have just hurt that much more in the end.

I really can't imagine it hurting worse than right now, though. I can't imagine feeling more shattered and lost than I did the moment he walked away. I can't imagine anything worse than this sunken, empty heart feeling, like that Earth-shattering feeling when you were like, ten, and you liked Timmy, and Timmy said he liked you, but then he kissed Allison on the playground one day. Only then, you got over it in about an hour.

I don't think I'll be getting over him in an hour. Or a year, at this rate.

We didn't even leave the wedding together. We danced, one last dance, and then he left. I held my breath when he walked away. He glanced back once. Only once. My heart shattered just a little more. And then I left, alone, before Rachel and Ross, afraid of breaking down if confronted.

So, this is it. Square one. And it isn't even that perfect future that I'm sad about losing. It's him. Well, maybe it's a little of both, but mostly him.

I miss him. Already. It's been forty-seven minutes. I've been home for three of them. I've already done the dishes, and I'm about to vacuum. I'm afraid my entire apartment will be clean long before I run out of tears. Maybe I'll go across the hall to the guys' after. I could probably clean Ross's, too. Pheobe's, if I have to. Maybe Gunther will even let me clean Central Perk.

Forty-eight minutes. It's been forty-eight minutes now.

~.~

"Hey!" Chandler walked in the door, practically giddy, letting it slam shut behind him. "You will not believe who the online girl was!" Monica turned from her spot on the couch, alone, tv off. She was still in her dress from earlier, yellow gloves on like she had been cleaning, shoes kicked off in the middle of the floor. Her cheeks were tear-stained, eyes red and still brimming with tears. Tissues littered the floor and table in front of her in a completely un-Monica-equ fashion. "Mon, what happened?"

Monica took a deep breath in, still incredibly shaky from crying as she took off the gloves. "I just-" she started but trailed off, sniffling a few times. "I-Richard-" she tried again, shaking her head as she looked down. Chandler walked over to the couch, sitting beside her. "I-we-him-no kids-" she got out between sobs, grabbing another handful of tissues. "Di-di-different things-Dancing-and-and-" she choked out, breaking down completely. Chandler wrapped the blanket from the back of the couch around her shoulders before hugging her tightly.

"It'll be okay," he promised in a whisper, hoping she didn't question how it would be okay, because he had no actual answer. He felt like he should offer ice cream or alcohol, though it felt too soon for either. Rubbing her back as she cried into his chest, his shirt now wet from her tears, he kissed the top of her head. "It'll be okay," he repeated, trying to decide how appropriate a joke would be at the moment. He really wanted her to stop crying; he hated her crying. "You should really guess who my internet girl was," he continued what he had come into the apartment to tell her. "You'll laugh."

"An 80-year-old man?" came Monica's muffled response, face still buried in his chest.

"Hey, I'm comforting you. You're not allowed to tease me," Chandler laughed, glad she had formed a complete sentence. "You get a three word hint: Oh. My. God."

Monica laughed, though still crying, wiping away her tears. "No way."

"Way," he nodded. "I feel like fate is trying to tell me something with her," he added, shaking his head. "Hey, you wanna…talk about it?" he finally asked after a few moments of silence, and Monica shook her head.

"Not yet," she choked out, leaning back into the couch, clutching the blanket around her body. When Chandler moved to stand up, she grabbed for his arm. "Don't go," she nearly pleaded. "I just-Rachel's at Ross's, and I, I just…I don't…"she trailed off, and he again moved closer, pulling her into his arms.

"I'm not going anywhere," he whispered, holding her as she cried more than he'd ever seen her cry in all of the years he had known her, and possibly more than he actually thought possible.

Truth was, he liked Richard. Richard was awesome. He would be sad if he broke up with Richard. And she had loved him like he'd never seen her love anyone. Whatever it was that had happened, no matter what it was, and no matter how much he liked Richard, he wanted to go get Joey so they could team up and beat up that big tree. Maybe Ross, too. Oh, who was he kidding? Richard would still win. Freaking strong old tree.

As her sobs subsided to silent tears, Monica eventually cried herself to sleep, head resting in his lap. He thought about moving her to her bedroom, but thought better of it, not wanting to chance her waking. Keeping his promise, Chandler reached for the TV remote, and turned the volume down low as he searched for something to watch. He settled for a senseless cartoon, drifting off as well after a few minutes, hand still on her back, plotting ways to sneak-attack Richard for making Monica cry.

~.~

Call me crazy and anti-Mondler, but that episode, where Monica and Richard break up always gets to me, and I always get a little teary-eyed. Because they just love each other so darn much and that feeling of wanting different things but still loving each other is just the worst.

Anywho, please review :) Not too sure how well I got Monica's voice down, but I read it in her voice in my head, and I thought it worked pretty well. Now, who should I tackle next….