Miss Me, But Let Me Go
Author's Note: This story is loosely based on the move, A Walk to Remember. With that said, if you're a fan of happy endings, then this might not be for you. Sometimes, I just find that those stories that don't have your usual happy endings are the ones that move me more. This one is no exception. So if you're feeling a bit adventurous, go right ahead. Enjoy! :)
"What's on your mind, Lois?"
Walking hand in hand, Lois and Clark strolled down by the lake after Lois suggested to take a break from the busy carnival just two blocks down. It was Smallville's annual Fruit Harvest, and it was tradition to hold a mini-festival to honor the said event. Ferris wheels, a carousel, and swing rides filled the area, along with some arcade booths.
Lois stopped walking and faced Clark, meeting his eyes. The green shades of his irises were welcoming, soothing her whenever she stared deeply into them.
"Forty-five," she paused, "this is date number forty-five."
"Wow. You're still keeping track?" he asked, surprised.
"Our fifth date we went to the Wishing Well Foundation Fundraiser. You complained about our lack of PDA and I admitted to you that I was nervous. Does that answer your question?"
"Very much. Although—"
Before Clark could even finish his sentence, Lois got on her toes and planted a kiss on his lips. Taken by surprise, he moved his hands down her waist, holding her in place. Though there were other people walking around the vicinity, it felt as though at that moment, it was just the two of them, standing in their own little piece of paradise.
In desperate need for air, Lois broke off the kiss. Her hands reached for Clark's as she tangled them together in a knot.
"I wish we could stay like this forever," she finally said, admiring the hands that were intertwined together.
More than seven or eight years ago, Lois never thought that she'd find her soulmate in Clark. When she first met him, she never saw him more than an annoying acquaintance; someone who she needed to find in order to bring justice to her cousin's fake death. Little did she know at that time that he was the one—the one she needed, the one who completed her, the one she couldn't live without.
The real question now, however, was: Could Clark live without her?
Deep down, Lois knew the answer to that question. It didn't matter. Whether Clark liked it or not, he would have to live in a world without Lois Lane. The only real problem to that was how he was going to cope with it, and for how long.
Other than Chloe, no one else knew that Lois had been diagnosed with brain cancer. What seemed to be normal migraines before actually turned out to be much worse, and after speaking with her doctor, she knew time was of the essence: she only had a couple more months or weeks—depending when the attack strikes again—to live. She wanted to make sure that every single day counted, and if she could have it her way, she wanted to spend every minute of her remaining life with Clark.
"You say that like something will change," Clark replied, a little concerned that Lois might be saying more than what she's letting on. He'd noticed, for the past few days—weeks even—she's not acting like the Lois that he knew so well. She was, dare he say it, a bit softer. It was starting to frighten him a little.
Hearing Clark's comment, Lois didn't respond. She knew he was suspecting something, but it hurt too much to let him know. She didn't want the last few moments she had with him to be full of worry, pity, and concern. She wanted to leave with happy memories—memories only she and Clark will remember.
Before the tears even started to well up in her eyes, Lois wiped them using her handkerchief. She continued to keep her head down so that Clark wouldn't see that she was in the verge of crying.
"Are you okay? Lois?"
"Y-Yeah. Stupid mascara, it's irritating my eyes. I think we should continue walking." Finally, she looked up at him.
As Lois started to walk, Clark caught her free hand, causing her to turn around. He pulled her closer to him, refusing to leave without an answer.
"You're dodging the issue. Is there something that you're not telling me?"
"No. Of course not. I just meant…oh you know, reality bites sometimes."
She knew that more than anyone.
Nodding his head in approval, Clark tilted Lois' chin upwards and gave her a quick peck on the lips. He smiled as he opened his eyes, memorizing every feature of her face.
"As long as I have you, I would always prefer reality over my dreams."
Touched by every word that escaped Clark's lips, Lois beamed her largest smile at him. He was the only one who could make her feel so high, the only one who could move the floor off her feet. She'd never felt so accepted and so loved. Clark could make her feel things that no one else in the whole entire world could make her feel. He really was the one she was meant to be with for the rest of her life—or what's left of it.
Before Clark could feed her any more romantic lines and make her weak to her knees, she decided it would be good to finally change the subject. For one, she was already starving.
"What do you say we go eat dinner at the Flaming Grill? They house a nice karaoke there, and you, Clark Kent, will be serenaded by the ever-enigmatic yours truly."
"Sounds like a good idea."
As they walked back towards the car, Lois and Clark held hands together. If only Lois had a camera on her, she would've asked someone to take a picture of them. She wouldn't trade that moment for anything in the world.
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"Wow, Lois. First you dedicated an entire playlist for me when you got on the karaoke machine, and you also paid for the bill? I am definitely missing something here."
"Oh come on, Smallville. First of all, the crowd liked my singing skills, and two, I don't always depend on you," she told him.
"I beg to diff—"
She held a finger up in the air. "Nuh-uh, you're not going to ruin this night for me."
As Clark pulled up the truck in front of the Talon, Lois opened the door and got out of the car. She gazed up at the sky as the darkness of the night showcased the brightness of the stars. They never looked so beautiful.
"Wonderful, aren't they?" Clark asked as he walked closer to Lois, looking up at the bed of stars.
"You'd think they're just there for decorations, but I think they have a greater purpose."
"And what's that?"
"They watch over us at night. They're the light that helps us find our way, and their radiance lets us see the beauty in this world."
At that moment, Clark looked down and locked his eyes on Lois' face. The moonlight caught her just right, her skin glowing like candlelight, and the tint of her lips just the perfect shade of pink. He still couldn't fathom how he'd ended up with someone as beautiful as her. He could search around the world, but no one could ever be as desirable as Lois Lane.
Smiling, Lois brought her head back down and met Clark's eyes. She could hear the beat of her heart drumming loudly in her ears, and her hands began to sweat just a little.
All she wanted was to find someone who would love her unconditionally, and spend the rest of her life with that person. Now that she's found him, time decided to play an evil trick and cut her stay short. Life isn't fair, she thought to herself.
"I love you."
Until the moment she'd take her last breath, she would never get tired of reminding him how much she cared for him. She meant every single word, and she needed for him to believe that.
"I love you too."
Clark wrapped his muscular arms around Lois and hugged her tenderly. Then, slowly, he brought his lips to hers, taking in all of her being. He kissed the contour of her lips, adjusting his face until the angle was just right. He wanted her to know just how much he needed her.
As her body ached for the need for air, Lois had to break off the kiss with Clark. She didn't want to do it, but she was left with no choice. Breaking away from him was like trying to break away a metal from a magnet—extremely difficult.
"Ah…I had a lot of fun today. Thanks for everything, Clark. Goodnight."
"Goodnight," he answered back, watching as she opened the door. As she got inside the Talon, Clark walked back towards his truck and started the engine. Before he left, he looked at her again and waved goodbye.
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"Aaaaaaaah! Aaaaaaaah!"
"Lois, Lois are you okay?" Chloe yelled as she walked briskly towards Lois' room. As she opened the door, what she saw next surprised her.
Lois was lying down on the floor, curled up in the fetal position. Her hands were held over her head, trying to soothe herself from the excruciating pain she was feeling. She looked so helpless.
"Oh my God, Lois! Wha-how—are you—?" Chloe was at a lost for words.
"Chloe, my…head…aaaaaaah! Aaaaaaaah!" More agonizing screams.
Not knowing what to do, Chloe searched around the room to see if Lois' medicines were nearby. As her eyes scanned the nightstand on the corner, she grabbed the first thing she found, which was Lois' cellphone.
"H-hello? Yes, I have a uh—my—my cousin! She's in a lot of pain, and she needs to get to the hospital!"
As Chloe finished making the phone call, she ran back to Lois to see if there was anything she could do. Her hands were shaking and she tried her best to comfort her cousin, though she knew her attempt was useless.
"It'll be fine, Lois. Please, please, just hang on."
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After receiving Chloe's voicemail in his cellphone, Clark went straight to Smallville Medical Center to check on Lois' condition. On the hallway, he saw Chloe sitting down on one of the chairs, crying.
"Chloe? I came as soon as I got your message. Where's Lois?"
Still dressed in her nightgown, Chloe wiped the tears on her cheeks.
"Sh-she's being checked right now by Dr. Frankenfurt. I haven't heard any news yet," she informed him.
"I need to see her, where is she?" he demanded, the tone of his voice angry.
Clark made his way towards the two metal doors only to be stopped by Chloe. He looked at her in disbelief.
"I'm sorry Clark, but no one's allowed inside," she said, gaining her composure.
"Chloe, what happened? Lois was perfectly fine before I left the Talon!"
"Clark, there's something that you don't—"
Just then, a man dressed in a white coat with a stethoscope wrapped around his neck came out between the metal doors. He was carrying a metal clipboard and walked up to Chloe.
"Miss Sullivan?"
"Yes, that's me." Clark moved to get next to the two of them.
"I'm sorry sir, but only family members of Miss Lane are allowed—"
"It's fine, doc. He's part of the family," Chloe said, preventing to make a bigger scene.
"Alright then…" Dr. Frankenfurt removed his glasses.
"How's my cousin?"
"I-I'm very sorry to say, but she…she didn't survive."
"Survive? What do you mean didn't survive?" she cleared up with him.
"The migraine she got triggered many things. She lost many short impulses, and it got to the point where her brain lost control that it stopped sending signals to her body. Her organs stopped functioning shortly after. I'm very sorry for your loss."
"No—no. Please tell me you're lying. She was acting very normal when we ate dinner. There's no way that she's…"
"I'm sorry, but after speaking with her doctor, the patient was informed and aware of the fact that one slight attack could have very irreparable consequences. It was only a matter of time; she was given only less than 3 months to live. Excuse me."
At that moment, everything in Clark's world turned into a nightmare. He didn't want to believe any of it, hoping it was just some dream he would simply wake up from. He'd never felt so hurt, so feeble, so…defeated. To live in a world without Lois…he couldn't picture it, and neither did he want to find out.
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Walking inside the room where Lois' body laid felt like entering the kingdom of hell.
Chloe cried silently to herself as she removed the cloth covering Lois's face. Using all of the energy she had left, she tried not to break down, but failed miserably. She sat on the corner of the bed.
"Lois, Lois! Wake up, wake up, please!"
Watching as a distraught Chloe fell down to her knees from the shocking news, Clark couldn't bring himself to walk towards the bed. His feet felt like they weighed a million bricks, refusing to be moved. The last thing he wanted to do was to see the love of his life lying down motionless, not breathing at all. He didn't know what to do.
Gathering all of his strength, Clark finally made his way towards the bed where Lois' body was. The moment he saw her face, tears started streaming down his eyes, overwhelmed with the emotion that came over him.
"She was just singing me one of her favorite songs earlier, Chloe. She dedicated them all to me. H-how is this possible?"
Without a word, Chloe sobbed even harder and brought her hands to her face. She didn't know what to tell him; it hurt too much to feel anything but sorrow.
Clark cradled Lois' face with his trembling hands. Her soft pink lips that he'd just kissed earlier were now blue, and her face was getting paler by the minute. He brought her face closer to his, kissing her for the last time.
"I love you," he whispered in her ear.
The room turned painfully silent as Chloe got up and blew her nose on a tissue. She watched Clark as he carried Lois' lifeless body in his arms.
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Five days later…
Chloe saw Clark stacking up the hay in the farm as she parked her car in the front. She walked up to him, determined to do Lois' final request, despite the fact that Clark refused to speak to her for keeping Lois' illness a secret.
"Clark," she let out, her voice hoarse.
Clark continued with the job as if he didn't hear anyone make a sound.
"Look, I know you're mad at me for what happened with Lois. But, as her cousin, she asked me to not tell anyone about her condition, especially to you. You have to understand, I had to honor it."
Finally, he spoke. What he said next wasn't particularly pleasant to hear, but he felt the need to say it.
"I could've saved her. Yet you knew about her condition and you didn't do a single thing about it."
"You don't think I wanted to save her life just as much as you wanted to? I went everywhere, Clark. I sought for help, but they all gave me the same answer: 'there's nothing much I could do.'"
Chloe's reasoning wasn't enough to clear her out of the guilt for not saving Lois. For Clark, her reasons still weren't able to bring Lois back from the dead, so it didn't matter. He just didn't know how to move on now that his reason for living is gone. It was almost as if someone cut off his air supply.
"I didn't come here looking for a fight, Clark, so I'm just going to do the last request Lois asked me to do. And here it is," she told him, handing him a beige envelope with the word 'Clark' written in the front. It was Lois' handwriting.
After he wiped his hands together, Clark took the letter from Chloe's hands.
"She wanted me to give you this after she died. Said it should help you in some way."
As Chloe watched Clark silently admire the letter Lois wrote to him while she was still alive, she figured it would be best if she left and let him have the luxury of reading it in private. Besides, she still had another errand she had to do.
Couple of minutes later, after looking at the handwritten letter, Clark decided not to open it yet. He wasn't ready to see the content, so instead, he placed it in the pocket of his pants and went back to work.
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Later that night…
Clark paced back and forth in the barn, eyes locked steady on the letter. He didn't know if he should open and read it, or just rip it to pieces and throw it away. Sure, he wanted to see, hear—feel—Lois again, but he wasn't sure if he was ready to face the pain of accepting the fact that she was really gone. All this time, he's still in denial, thinking that one day, she would come back and tell him it was just some sick joke she decided to play on him.
Unable to resist the temptation any longer, he grabbed the letter off the table and started to open the envelope. Inside was a sheet of paper full of words, all written by Lois herself.
Clark,
I never thought I could ever love a person as much as I loved you. Every time we were together you always lit up my world that I'd sometimes forget I was living in reality.
I wrote this letter because I know you would never stop blaming yourself over my death. Truth is, it's not your fault. It's not mine either. Fate just decided to play a nasty trick on us, and once they were set in motion, there's hardly so much we could do to control them.
Please, don't be mad at Chloe. I asked her to keep this a secret from you and everyone else, and being the loyal friend that she is, she did just that. Your friendship is way too important to be lost, and trust me, you'll need each other more now than ever did before.
Finally, the real reason for this letter is to ask you to do me one last favor: let me go. I know it's not easy, but I don't want you to hold back on life just because I'm gone. Truth is, I'm never really gone. I'm just not with you physically. You'll always be in my heart as I'm sure that I'll always be in yours. If you ever find someone else, make sure you love her just as much, if not, more, as you loved me. I want you to live your life, but most of all, I want you to be happy.
With that said, if you ever start to feel sad and miss me a little, go outside and look at the stars. Find the biggest one you could find, and when you do, I want you to think of me. I'll be that star. Just like the way you've watched over me throughout the years, it's my turn. I'll be watching over you from now on.
All my love,
Lois
After folding the letter and placing it back inside the envelope, Clark remembered what Lois told him the night before she died.
"They [stars] watch over us at night. They're the light that helps us find our way, and their radiance lets us see the beauty in this world."
To Clark, everything seemed to make sense now. Everything Lois told him about the stars were true. It's almost as if he's seeing them at a different light tonight. Sure, he may miss Lois more than he will ever admit to anyone, but if there's one thing that will get him through, it's the fact that he knows that she will always be the star that shines brightly in the night sky. Like she said herself, she's never really gone.
After all, her love, like the wind, was something that can't be seen. It was something that can be felt, and for Clark, that was enough.
Author's Note: If you made it this far, congratulations! Even for me that was such a painful story to write, but I wanted to venture out into other things. Now, the question is...should I prepare myself for the pitchforks with my name carved on it? Hahaha. Thoughts are always welcome, and once again, thank you so much! Have a safe weekend!