Summary: He was being so close, having so much to say to her. And yet, he was losing her slowly. And all he had was a smile to remember her by. IchiRuki. ONESHOT.
Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach.
Lyrics: What Hurts the Most lyrics written by Mark Wills, sung by Rascal Flatts
(Erased the space) http// www. esnips. com /doc/43b5a704-5d34-4953-b7cf-ef9ab3ecca4a/What-Hurts-The-Most
A/N: I recommend reading it while actually listening to that song. The link is up there.
Maybe he should have known, from the first time he saw her that she was always beyond his reach. And yet, he ignored it.
I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don't bother me
I can take a few tears now and then
And just let them out
I'm not afraid to cry
Perhaps, it was a wishful thinking that came across him, a hope which appeared when he saw her smile. He thought at first, that perhaps a friend like her was all he needed. He convinced himself that by being in the one place, as her best friend was the best choice that he could ever get.
It was enough, or so he thought. It was the closest place possible, the closest space that she let anyone to be near her. And he occupied that place.
She smiled at him, laughed with him, shared her hidden thoughts, and showed him her fragile state. He was her best friend, after all… and he took them all up.
Every once in a while
Even though going on with you still upsets me
There are days
Every now and again I pretend I'm ok
But that's not what gets me
"Ichigo!" she waved at him from the distance. "Come here quickly!"
He smiled, and nodded. Together they sat on the hill near a beach watching a firework of summer's festival. She watched the how each light exploded in the night sky with her eyes, staring at them, almost unblinking. It was a beautiful sight, sparks of fire dancing their way up to the sky, a beauty that lasted but a moment.
He smiled as he watched her. For him, she was much more fascinating those beautiful sparks in that summer night. He understood what she saw him as, and he accepted it. But regardless how he tried to ignore it, deep down, he knew that her presence to him had become something far more important.
What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
He watched her in a hidden sadness, in an invisible pain that he was trying so hard to cover with his smirks and grins.
"Ne, Rukia. What do you see me as? A naive child? A friend or what?" he wanted to ask her that question. Yet he did not.
"Am I allowed to see you, to think of you differently from how you wanted us to be?"
And never knowing what could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do
"Why couldn't you see it? It should be obvious, isn't it?"
Why, Rukia? Why couldn't you see him loving you? Why couldn't you understand his silent love?
Days passed, and they grew closer more than ever. She opened more secrets to him, and even letting him see the tears that she was hiding for so long. He too, told her a lot of things, shared his point of views to her and she where would listen to him, quietly, with her understanding ears. The world was changing, and they were too. Yet only two things remained the same.
She continued to see him as nothing more than the closest friend possible. And him, loving her in every way he could think of.
As they got closer, both happiness and sadness overtook him. Happiness, because he knew, that for her he would always be her best friend. And sadness, because he knew, that their relationship will only remained like that forever. And nothing more. She would never love him.
It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you
Everywhere I go
But I'm doing it
Every evening, when they have time, they will walk across a deserted beach, and just talked. They were in their own world, unaffected and indifferent of the reality outside. Maybe it was a fact that they refused to believe. Or simply, a thought that never crossed their mind.
One day, some way or another… there will be time for them to say goodbye.
But who cares, right? They were enjoying their world, walking across the sandy beach, and watching the stars at night. Who cares about goodbyes? It would not happen in any near future. They still had plenty of time in their hands, or so he thought. He was a teenager after all.
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone
Still harder
How many years ago was it? That's right, she had just turned sixteen. They made small fireworks near the beach to celebrate it, and just sat, watching the night's sea waves. She was unusually quiet that particular night.
Her eyes watching the small fire in her hand, dancing as the wind blew. "Ichigo," she said, quietly. "I'm sick."
"What?" Of course he did not understand it at first. She did not reply him, eyes staring at the firework. He looked at her again, and that was when he noticed small bruises formed like blemishes on her pale skin. The faint light of the fire reflected on her profile, making it looked paler than usual.
He lived in a clinic, his father was doctor. At that moment he knew, even thought he preferred not to. His eyebrow twitched. "No," he said, shaking his head. "It couldn't be."
She bit her lips, her small body trembled, yet she shed no tears.
"Yeah," she nodded. "I have leukemia."
Getting up getting dressed never want this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would treat everyway all the words that I say in my heart
That I left unspoken
How long did she hide it from him? How could he not notice it by then? Sure, she had been looking weaker and tired lately. But it never once occurred to him that out of all people, she will be the one who will have it.
Why her?
And since that day, the more he watched her, the more he understood how fragile she had become. Waves of nausea came to her, washing the life out of her. She spent her seventieth birthday on a hospital bed, with him sitting besides her, holding her hand. A white lily was placed inside a vase in the room, alone and forgotten. He looked at her again, how thin she had become, until what left of her was skin and bone.
"Ne Ichigo," she said. "I want to go the beach." Her voice was so soft and hoarse, that all he could do was smiled at her.
He nodded. "Yeah,"
"I miss it and the firework too."
He nodded again. "Yeah, we will go there once you got better. And I'll light a really big firework for you then."
She smiled.
What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
It was a lie that they both understood; a hope that was never going to be granted.
Yet he said it anyway, and she smiled at it.
All the doctors and nurses grew fond of him. Sometimes, a few of them would tap him on the back and cast him a genuine look of concern and said, "What a loving boyfriend you are. Let us all hope for the best."
He did not bother to correct them that he was not her boyfriend. That he was just someone that she considered as a close friend, and whom, she would never love. It would be a lie, if he said that he did not care about their relationship anymore. But at that time, all he wanted was so that she could be there, forever, regardless how she viewed him as.
"And maybe," he thought. "Maybe it was enough for me by being here besides her."
And never knowing what could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do
"Ichigo?" she said one night. "Just go home, you need your rest."
"Hmm?"
"It's okay. I'm really feeling fine right now. I just want to sleep." Her voice was soft, yet assuring. He realized, ever since the night of her sixteenth birthday, she never once, shed a tear or complained about her pain. She merely took them all up; everything, by herself.
He grabbed her hand gently, and kissed it in much tender as he could afford.
"See you then," he said. She nodded and closed her eyes. He cast one final glance at her, and walked outside.
Her eyes were still closed, and she whispered into the empty room, "I'm sorry. And thank you for everything."
What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
The next afternoon, when he visited her again, she was still in her deep slumber: a slumber in which she will never wake up. She looked so peaceful, eyes closed, and a small smile that showed a child's innocence. Her skin was white, and she laid there unmoving. He could not remember how he reacted back then. Everything went blank. Maybe he cried, calling her name over and over. Or he might be just gaping at her corpse, eyes opened wide in disbelief, mumbling something which he himself could not understand.
…Rukia…
Ichigo thought again. What did he do back then? All he remembered so clearly was the state of her body, and the expression that she was wearing, and it haunted him.
They didn't even say a proper goodbye.
And never knowing what could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do
He stood by the deserted beach again, eyes staring at the distance. The colors of the sunset stroke beautifully across the sky, the cold water swept passed his bare feet every now and then… and he paid attention to none of them. There was only one image in his head, an image of the past that he never wanted to forget: how years ago, they used to walk by this very beach, looking at the exact same sunset.
More than once, he refused to believe it. But deep down, he knew, that even without her, everything stayed the same… the scenery, beautiful as ever. Him, lonely like always. Even without her being there for him, without her walking besides him, the world still revolved, all stayed like what it used to be.
Everything, except his empty heart, dwelled in loneliness. He opened his mouth, and spoke the words that he should have said long ago.
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do.
"Ne, Rukia… I love you."
And there was silence.
A/N: The End. Another angst story from me.
So, what do you think about it? It's my first trial in writing songfic. (The name/link of the song is up there) I hope it turns out okay. Heheh.
PLEASE REVIEW!
-frozenalchemy