Author's note. This will make more sense if you watch the Moldovan entry to Eurovision 2011 before reading. Warning: contains a scene of wanton violence towards an inanimate item of headgear.
Insane hat"What in the name of sanity have you got on your head?"
- River Song in The Big Bang
A familiar wheezing groaning sound echoed trough the curved corridors of Stormcage. A smile appeared on Dr. River Song' face as she watched the Tardis creep into reality. With a gentle thump the box settled onto the floor. The door swung open to reveal the Doctor.
The smile vanished from River's face as she took in his appearance. It was not the suspenders that she objected to, or even the bow tie.
It
Was
The
Hat
or possibly the hAt. That seemed somehow a better description of the monstrosity that adorned the Doctors head.
"Hi honey. Want to come for a quick trip? Or a long one? Or a medium lengthed one Or – "
River cut him off.
"What, by the Severn Wonders of New Earth, are you wearing?" She demanded.
The Doctor reached up to touch his headgear protectively.
"Oh come on River" he said "even you must appreciate the shear magnificence of this hat. It is without doubt the most magnificent, the most utterly cool, the most brilliant piece of clothing in this galaxy. And quite possibly in several more as well. There are entire civilisations that would go to war to posses one of these hats. In fact – "
"Where did you get it?" Rivers voice had gone icy cold with disapproval.
The Doctor seemed somehow – it was a mystery how – to have not noticed her tone.
"Ah! I knew you want one once you saw it." He flourished his screwdriver and soniced the lock of River's cell. "Come on, we need to go to the Eurovision Song Contest 2011. Remember to be very nice to any Moldovans you meet. If we're lucky we can get you one of the genuine articles they wore onstage."
The Doctor led the way into the TARDIS, continuing his unrelenting discourse on the merits of all things connected with Moldova. And all things connected with hats. Naturally.
Some time latter – or maybe earlier, it was hard to tell where a time machine was involved – the Tardis materialised not far from a red giant star. It hung in space. The door opened. The Doctors voice could be heard saying "You should have let me drive. We're nowhere near Eurovision 're not even on a planet."
There was the sudden, small click of handcuffs closing and River's voice said "True Sweetie, but we are exactly where I wanted to be."
"River why have you handcuffed me to the railings? Undo these handcuffs. River. RIVER. NO NOT THE HAT. Unhand my hat. RIVVVVEEERRR."
A long black pointy object has tossed out of the Tardis doorway and began falling towards the star. There was the sound of a gunshot and a hole appeared in the hat. The doors closed, and the Tardis slipped out of reality – quietly now, with River driving – and back into the vortex.