Helpful Critic Please

Hey! Sympathy here and I just want to talk to ya'll before you read my story.

See, I am a raging, blushing, fairly innocent yaoi fan and because of this I have trouble writing M-rated yaoi, which I think I could be good at though I suck at making good plots, slowing down, and my mom is over my shoulder.

*bows at waist* please critic me and my story below without hurting me plz! Take care of me and my feelings.

Thanks~

Ps. any pointers on how to make a good plot or slowing down will be greatly appreciated.

Iruka x Kakashi btw

Kakashi panted, whimpering between each pause, his limbs squirming and his fingers clenching, fisting the bed sheets beneath him. Between his legs was his lover and soul mate Iruka, pleasuring his stiff member with his hands and mouth and turning him into goo while relaxing him since he'd gotten back from his mission. (That was run-on… how would I shorten it, making two sentences or getting rid of some details?)

"Nn… Ruru, please…" Kakashi begged, toes curling. "More…"

Iruka smirked chesirely before complying, taking Kakashi in his mouth in one go, making the copy-cat scream. Iruka chuckled, making Kakashi groan at the vibrations he felt within his being. Iruka began to gently bob his head, licking the sides of the shaft while holding his hips down from thrusting.

Using his free hand, Iruka silently trailed over the creamy hip towards the crevice of Kakashi's ass. Iruka lightly prodded the hole in question and Kakashi moaned a breathy 'please' (that make sense?) Pleased with the response, Iruka pulled off Kakashi long enough to spit on his hand before quickly returning to his previous post. Iruka smooth over the tense orifice once, twice, before gradually inserting his index finger. (My words can be funky because I use some too many times so I go for alternatives)

Kakashi yelped and bucked at the semi-familiar feeling before setting himself to relax again. Iruka bean to slowly thrust his finger, being sure to drag it every so often against the jounin's prostate, making him moan more. Every time he purposely missed it, Kakashi would growl, though pathetically, in frustration.

"Iruka!" he barked.

Iruka pulled back with a chuckle. "Yes Kashi?" he asked innocently.

"Stop teasing! I want-," Kakashi was cut off by his scream of pleasure as Iruka added a second finger while thrusting hard on his prostate.

Iruka frowned innocently, dragging his fingers again. "Want what?" he asked innocently.

Kakashi was panting so hard he was almost hyperventilating. "Cum… want to cum…" he begged, tears of pleasure falling.

Iruka smirked. "All you have to do was ask love," he replied.

Iruka took Kakashi in his mouth against while thrusting his fingers faster, harder, and deeper. Kakashi moaned loudly, his body tensing as the inevitable end came near. One of Kakashi's hands shakidly left its anchor on the bed, scrambling to grasp Iruka's other hand. Iruka gave a squeeze and suck and Kakashi's returned it through the haze of pleasure.

(Here's where I suddenly die and get awkward) The coils within Kakashi began to tighten to impossible lengths before Iruka gave a particularly hard suck and thrust, the breaking point. Arching his back off the bed, Kakashi screamed as he cummed, shooting his essence into Iruka's mouth and throat, which the other swallowed.

Breathless, Kakashi eased back, moaning as Iruka slowly removed his fingers. Iruka pulled himself from his lover's hypersensitive cock, cleaning the head with his tongue. Tired from their playing, Iruka fell to his side, resting his head on his place lover's rising and falling chest.

"Welcome home love," Iruka murmured, tracing invisible circles on the white canvas.

Kakashi mumbled incoherently, very tired. Iruka grinned at the control he had over his lover.

"Love you," he said, nuzzling the other's chest.

"Love you too Ruru," he was never too tired to say that."

END.

PPS. Sorry I didn't make it to penetration! I wanted to but I didn't know how to drag the story out to that while making it good. This story literally came out of nowhere.

PPPS. I almost added Yamato too but I figured I should start small… that and I didn't know how to… o/o

I'm so pathetic… : (

Help me Sensei-sama's!