Welcome and be amazed at the greatest and most awesome harry potter fic of all time. Bow before it you mortal fools, for you will never again see such awesome greatness. If you don't like then that can only mean that your brain cannot comprehend its incredible awesomeness, for the greatness of this fic is often lost on mortal minds. You horsepetootheads you.
Disclaimer: Harry potter does not belong to Me; if it did it would be much more awesome and would definitely not be a childrens' book. There will be other things also in this fic that ain't mine bitch!
Harry Potter and the Chickenhorse
Prologue: The Thing Before the Actual Story!
Moose and cow lived in the forest of monkeyfeet and ate cheetos for a living, one day they happened upon a small girl who spontaneously turned into a chicken and drank some cake. Then with all the power of potatoes they screamed in pain, turning a monkey into a chick moose. Moose fucked the chick moose and made moose babies, but then Britney spears came and ate moose's balls and chick moose's ovaries, so moose and chick moose couldn't fuck anymore and the moose population was successfully controlled, but then they ate a magic pie which caused them to grow back so it really wasn't, then harry potter came and zapped the moose into a chickmoose and cow fucked the chickmoose which made a Chickenhorse baby, and cheetos rained from heaven for this Chickenhorse was long ago prophecied to become the most powerful being on earth, and that it would be an evil Chickenhorse that ate voldemort and all other bad guys and became more evil than any being ever, but for now it was just a cute little Chickenfoal. So cheetos was the obvious sign because cheetos were clearly invented by an evil demon who wants everyone to die and get diabetes in that order, but since that order is impossible, it settled for the opposite order. Of course diabetes is a really lame way to die, it usually causes kidney failure and stuff. Which aside from being really drawn out and fucked up, is also boring. I mean why couldn't cheetos cause head explody disorder or something. Anyways, The Chickenfoal went away for a while and came upon a big fat cave that was big and fat and made of fat and bigness, so the Chickenfoal went into the big fat cave that was big and fat and made of fat and bigness, and went past an angry dragon, who said
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING GOING PAST ME?! CAN'T YOU SEE I'M AN ANNNGREH DRAGON THAT WANTS TO KILL YOU AND EAT YOU AND THEN RAPE YOUR CORPSE!" screamed the dragon
"Wait, if you eat me then how can you rape my corpse?"
At this logical quandary the dragon randomly exploded for no reason. Then a monkey came and thanked the Chickenfoal for slaying the angry dragon.
"Well, you're welcome," Said the Chickenfoal, "but please don't come in front of me, I don't like looking at monkey come."
"Well, how dare you! AND WHY ARE YOU LOOKING ME IN THE EYE?! FURRY!" screamed the furious monkey, throwing a hardened clod of poopy at the Chickenfoal, however the Chickenfoal anticipated the furious attack, and headbutted the poopy back at the monkey, who then randomly exploded for no apparent reason.
At the bottom of the big fat cave that was big and fat and made of fat and bigness, the Chickenfoal found a stinky crystal hat. It smelled like fish and rotten butter with cheesy masked potatoes, but it was as pretty as diamonds and rubies and emeralds and all other pretty gemstones combined, and it shone in a color that no one had ever before seen and thus cannot be described to those who have not seen it, and were you to see it, your life would become much more fulfilled, as the awesomely indescribable color would fill your mind with amazement. Alas you will never see it, but it's really really awesome. Seriously, like if a chick wore a dress that was this color it would bring out her eyes, while accentuating her boobs and ass and it would totally not make her look fat. But it would make her butt look big because chicks with big butts are awesome and chicks are really weird for apparently wanting to have tiny flat asses. Like why do they want to look like a 14 year old boy? Seriously what's the-
"GET ON WITH THE DAMN STORY!," screamed everyone in a frothing furious fury that would leave you pissing your undergarments in fear.
"WHO THE HELL IS TELLING THE MOTHERFUCKING STORY ANYWAY, BITCHES! FUCK ALL OF YOU ALL, IF I WANT TO SPEND TIME DESCRIBING THIS HERETOFORE NON EXISTENT COLOR I WILL! IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT TOUGH SHIT! I AM THE AUTHOR AND YOU ARE JUST FIGMENTS OF MY IMAGINATION AND PIECES OF MY MIND I AM USING TO CREATE THIS STORY! I DON'T MIND IF YOU COMMENT, BUT DO NOT MOTHERFUCKING TELL ME TO GET ON WITH THE MOTHERFUCKING STORY! IT'S MY STORY AND IT WILL BLOODY FUCKING WELL PROGRESS THE MOTHERFUCKING WAY I WANT IT TO!" screamed the author, and just to show he meant business he made a big earthquake that caused everyone to shit a shiny fiddle made of gold. Then he took all the gold and bought a nice country for him and his girlfriend to rule over. And they lived happily ever after. But that's another story.
So anyway, where was I? I know it had something to do with that color, and chicks being stupid fucking retards for wanting flat asses… oh yeah, seriously what is up with that? Chicks are much prettier when they look like chicks and not 14 year old boys. That should seriously be pretty damn obvious, I mean really, ladies. But yeah, a chick wearing that color would be much hotter. It would universally look good on any chick. Too bad it only exist in my noggin, because if I made a dildo of this color it would feel really good in my cooch. And so the Chickenfoal put a clothespin over its nose, and put the hat on, and so the hat granted the Chickenfoal TEH EVUL POWAH! And with TEH EVUL POWAH! The Chickenfoal flew back to the top of the big fat cave that was big and fat and made of fat and bigness. And so the big fat cave that was big and fat and made of fat and bigness randomly exploded for no apparent reason.
And when the Chickenfoal returned to its parents the Chickenfoal saw that moose and cow were hanging from trees all cut up, so angrily, the Chickenfoal used TEH EVUL POWAH! To eat the hanging corpses of its parents, and flew off to find the one who had killed them. It did not have to go far. It found that Harry had randomly turned into a girl with boobies and everythong for no apparent reason, and Ron had randomly become a death eater so he could rape harry even though that doesn't make any sense for Ron's character and I just really hate ron because he gives me sand in my vajayjay even though I don't have one of those. And Voldemort was there too and stuff…
So the Chickenfoal walked up to chickharry and screamed "WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO MY PARENTS HARRY WHO IS NOW RANDOMLY A SEXY GIRL?!1111"
"Well, we were fighting, but we got hungry, and animals are lower on the food chain than humans, so we ate them," Replied chickharry.
"YOU CAN'T JUST GO AROUND EATING PEOPLE'S PARENTS!" screamed the Chickenfoal then burped up his father's leg, "JUST FOR THAT I'M GOING TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!"
And so the Chickenfoal summoned all of TEH EVUL POWAH! That he could and ate Voldemort, then it farted and a bunch of smoke came out of its ass and swirled into a tornado surrounding it, and magically transformed the Chickenfoal. The Chickenfoal was now… dun dun dunnn! A Chickenhorsesnakeydude, but that takes forever to write so we're still just gonna call it a Chickenhorse. Then all of the horcruxes exploded for no apparent reason. Even the ones that were already destroyed. And so dumbledore's office blew up because tom riddle's diary was in it, but fortunately Dumbledore wasn't there. And then Dumbledore apparated in and screamed, "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE YOU FOOLISH FOOLISH FOOLISH FOOLISH FOOL, YOU HAVE CAUSED YOURSELF TO BECOME EVIL!"
"Nuh-uh," said the Chickenhorse, "Harry did that, he ate my parents!"
"HUMANS ARE SUPPOSED TO EAT ANIMALS YOU FOOLISH FOOLISH FOOL! FOR WE ARE HIGHER ON THE FOOD CHAIN!" Screamed Dumbledore.
"Yeah, and I'm going to change that when I take over the Solar System," Said the Chickenhorse, and flew off using TEH EVUL POWAH!.
"Oh noes," said Dumbledore, "he used TEH EVUL POWAH! So that stinky crystal hat he was wearing must have been TEH EVUL CRYSTAL HAT!"
Then Hermione came, "What is THE EVUL POWAH!?" asked Hermione, and then she left.
"Not "THE EVUL POWAH!", TEH EVUL POWAH!" replied Dumbledore.
Then Hermione came back, "TEH EVUL POWAH!?" then she left again.
"No, TEH EVUL POWAH!" said Dumbledore.
"Then Hermione came back-"
"Who said that?" interrupted Harry, confused.
"Oh sorry, it's just me, the author. That was a typo, my bad," the author replied, nervously jacking off.
"Oh okay," said harry.
"Anyway, as I was saying:"
Then Hermione came back, "Oh," then she left again.
"Yes, TEH EVUL POWAH! Was sealed in a hat in a big fat cave that is big and fat and made of fat and bigness a very very very extremely extremely very extremely very very very extremely unspeakably incomprehensibly inconceivably unfathomably ridiculously absurdly insanely asininely stupidly ineffably long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long longlong long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long longlong long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long longlong long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long time ago to prevent its misuse, when used it takes over the body of the user and uses their body to take over the world, which it then uses to randomly destroy china for no apparent reason."
Then Hermione came back, "That's horrible, I think I read a spell to stop it in a book the other day, it was "abraca resealTEHEVULPOWAH!"
"YES BUT- DANG IT AUTHOR TURN THE CAPS LOCK OFF I DON'T WANT TO YELL RIGHT NOW DAMMIT I WANT TO TALK NORmal, anyway, as I was saying, yes, but before using it we have to try and stop him from eating all the most evil people in existence, otherwise the spell won't work for some reason."
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Hermione.
"NNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed everyone in unison.
"Why are we all screaming no?" asked Chickharry, who was masturbating.
"Also this is definitely better as a guy… oh wait it's not stopping yet… okay it's kind of a toss up now."
"We weren't screaming no. We were screaming NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Replied Hermione
"Same difference," Harry pointed out.
"Oh, I guess because this is really scary. Also we're all hungry because we didn't eat breakfast."
"Lunch?" harry asked.
"I'll drive," said Dimbledorf, then he read the misspelling of his name and screamed "HEY MY NAME IS DUMBLEDORE! ALBUS PERCIVAL WULFRIC BRIAN DUMBLEDORE, NOT ALBUNCH PRESIVAL WUFFERC BRAN DIMBLEDORF! NOT ALBERT PREBASOL WOOFY BRAIN DOLLARDIFF! AND CERTAINLY NOT BOB! GET MY MOTHERGODAMNEDFUCKING GODMOTHERFUCKINGDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMNED GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING NAME RIGHT OR I WILL MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMNED KILL ME AND YOU BOTH BY RANDOMLY EXPLODING FOR NO APPARENT REASON MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN IT YOU STUPID MOTHERFUCKER!"
"Sorry…" said the author sheepishly, blushing on her lower cheeks.
Then Hermione and chickharry randomly started making out for no reason, so everyone who was a heterosexual male starting staring and masturbating, but there weren't any heterosexual males there except ron who was dead so they didn't.
The end.
Or is it?!
Obviously not since it's only the prologue.
Or if it is it will be because it never gets updated.
And dies.
And randomly explodes for a good reason.
P.S. "I will start with Hitler and that French bastard." screamed the chickenhorse.