Chapter I

Everyone is gathered in the throne room waiting for the commander's decision. It has been a few days since the attack on the Coalition, except for a few people no one knows what happened exactly.

Titus is at Lexa's side as always, the only difference is that this time around he is particularly nervous. After a brief moment of hesitation, he speaks.

"Yours orders, Heda?"

Lexa turns to her right and looks at Clarke in search of guidance. The blonde is staring coldly at the man but when she feels Lexa's eyes on her she reciprocates the glare and her features slightly soften. The commander looks away and stares for a moment at the floor. Millions of images run through her mind about the past events, she wishes she could take a moment to talk with her predecessors one more time. She needs guidance and she doesn't want to fail as the leader of her people. She knows what she must do, yet she's conflicted.

I must show strength otherwise I will lose support from the Coalition and I can't have that. Not if I want to ensure peace and a brighter future for everyone.

She is still thinking about the events that led her here at this moment. She looks down at the ambassadors and the other people in the room, warriors, healers, commoners.

What if there was any other way? What if she wasn't the commander? What if she lived in a different world? What if she never met Clarke?

At that last internal question Lexa's mind goes to a specific memory from a few days prior in her chambers.

The commander is drying her hair after a quick bath, the day she just had really took a tool on her. She just had to take a break from Titus and everyone else. She doesn't hear the door open as she walks with her head down but when she looks up she finds that beautiful blonde her instinct is telling her to jump at her, not to attack but to hug her because she is so afraid she would leave her. Last time they talked Clarke had to choose if leaving Polis or not.

As soon as their eyes meet, Lexa knows, she can feel Clarke's heart suffering just as hers.

"I'm sorry." Clarke says without looking away from the brunette.

"Don't be." Lexa manages to say even if every cell in her body wants her to scream and tell her don't leave, stay with me. "You have to go back to your people." she feels her heart breaking little by little, she doesn't want this to happen. "That's why I.." she stumbles for a moment and sees how Clarke notices her hesitation. She swears she sees in the blonde's eyes hope.

The brunette doesn't finish her sentence, she remembers the words Titus said to her a few hours earlier, begging her to remember his teachings. Love is weakness. Is that really true? During the final battle against the Mountain Men she asked Clarke to come with her to the capitol, that Polis would have changed her mind about them. Lexa knows that if it was any another person and not the blonde she wouldn't have wanted that so bad. She knows that since the beginning she started developing feelings for her, at first it was pure admiration but then she started to realize it wasn't just that. Her feelings haven't changed a bit, she still wants the blonde with her in the city, especially after everything that happened. Yet, even if she is aware of her true feelings for the blonde, she doesn't find the strength and courage to tell them to her. She swallows her heart and speaks again with a broken smile.

"That's why you are you." the brunette sees Clarke's reaction and she wonders if she is a bit disappointed she hasn't expressed her real feelings.

To be commander is to be alone.

Titus' words echo in Lexa's mind but at the same time she remembers what Clarke has said to her that day at the camp in her tent: Maybe life should be more than just surviving. Don't we deserve better than that?

Lexa can't deny she feels the same way as the blonde, she knows they deserve to live a little without worrying about what the next move should be, whether or not one decision is the better one. After all, even if they're the leaders of their people and have a lot of responsibility they are still young women who deserve to be just that from time to time.

It is true, Titus has said that her feelings for Clarke put both of them in danger and the best decision should be letting the blonde to go home to Arkadia to be safe. She does care for the blonde, she really does but she is also feeling a bit selfish, she wishes she could stay with her and protect her.

"Maybe someday you and I will owe nothing more to our people." the blonde interrupts the silence between them.

"I hope so." and she really does. She just wants to reach peace among the Coalition so that she can take a breath and possibly be free to be with Clarke the way she wishes to. She knows that no matter what until she doesn't find a solution the blonde will be in danger that is why her major priority right now is to keep her safe. Even if that means they will be apart for now. With a pain in her chest she extends her arm to Clarke. 'This is it. Our farewell.' the commander feels the warmth of the blonde.

"May we meet again." there is no coming back. Her heart is breaking apart inside her chest, every fiber in her body is fighting against her mind to stay there and keep the blonde close. Lexa watches as a mix of emotions run through Clarke's face, her blue eyes on her lips she gets closer and kisses her. They don't need words they are sharing what needs to be said through that kiss. They're both crying, if Lexa had any doubts about Clarke's feelings about leaving her now she doesn't have them anymore. It is so clear how it is difficult for both of them. As they continue kissing each other they reach the bed, the brunette sits down on it and they separate for a moment just to looking at each other.

They don't know but they're both thinking the same thing: Damn, I wish we could stay here forever, forget everything else.

Time doesn't stop, even if you are remembering something and you wish everything could just freeze for a moment.

Today, Lexa is being asked to make a big decision. She must choose to the fate of someone's life she cares deeply for. She's feeling betrayed, angry, disappointed but most importantly sad. She can't believe that someone who has spent their entire life watching over her, protecting her, guiding her, could do such a thing.

She is letting everyone wait for too long.

"Fleimkepa, Titus. You are banished from my lands." She can't end his life, even if she has every right to do so. She had talked a lot with Clarke and even with Titus himself. What he has done is terrible and a huge betrayal on the Coalition and he is in favour of having his life taken. "Until another Fleimkepa is found, your banishment will be put in hold and you will be a prisoner in Polis."

There is shock in the room, no one knew the responsible for attempting at Wanheda and Heda's life. Until now.

"You served the Coalition well, you deserve to put your business in order and to say your goodbyes. You will live the rest of your life with the burden of having almost killed the Coalition while you were claiming to be saving it."

Titus closes his eyes and Lexa notices it, she knows he wishes she would change her mind, but she won't. The decision is made, and he has to live with it. Literally.

Author's Note: Hello everyone!

I've finally decided to write this story, it's been on my mind for a while now and here it is! It won't be too long.

I wanted to write something to celebrate Lexa, since she was very important to me (and to the community) a lot. It's also thanks to her that I got closer to get my degree. (I choose her as the topic of one of my project for one of the last exams I had to take.)

If you're interested it is based by a fanvideo I made, if you want to check it out on my youtube channel Kryptolella: What if.. - Clexa

Sorry for the eventual mistakes, if there are any, please send them to me and I'll correct them as soon as possible.

Please, let me know what you think. I do hope you'll enjoy it.

Christy