Farewell

I went silent, putting my hands on my lap, leaned back on the bench and hid a deep breath. There is no reason to get this nervous, no reason at all. It's just a talk. Opinions exchange.

I'm very happy to see you surrounded with those nice people. I do believe that you really value their care and support — and those fun times you're having together. As for me, I've got to go back to studying. I'm not into spending my time on entertainment anymore, like I did in middle school.

After all, considering this crisis that we've overcome, I find myself unable to think of life so joyously like I used to back then. You may find it interesting that my current school used to be all-boys up until recently, and there are very few girls now. It just doesn't feel right for me to cheer and laugh there, sometimes I even feel as if I'm bashing the glass wall with my head.

And that's what led me to the conclusion that I really, really value all the time we had together. You're the only person that takes me as I am, ever since we first met in that old middle school. I loved it when I could sit down at your desk, unpack my bento and have lunch along with a happy chit-chat, remember those times?

I never realized how valuable those minutes were, until I found out that my new life had nothing to offer as a replacement. There is only one person, who has always treated me right ever since the very beginning. It's you, Kyon.

I grinned.

Ah, I guess, these were not the most pleasant things to hear. Sounded like I was trying to confess, right? Please don't get me wrong. I never had that intention in mind...

"I never get you wrong, it's those people around who do. Somehow they always get weird ideas about us. Take Kunikida, for example – the guy's got great memory! Never forgets a thing, he can probably recite every dialogue that we had in his presence by heart."

Oh, really? I mean, yeah, he probably can. You know, it's one of those things I try so hard to remember but always end up forgetting. Like those memory techniques that I used while studying for the high school entrance exams – they were out of my head as soon as I passed. And those memories probably just faded as well, after all it's been more than a year since then.

I smiled as fair and carefree as I could. Whatever, just let it be. Doesn't matter. I'm able to learn something new now. After all, striving for things already past doesn't make any sense to me.

I shook my head decisively and stood up from the wooden bench. Well, I'd better get started on my way to the cram school. I really need it now – mostly due to the personal matters. It was nice seeing you, Kyon!

I went towards the Kitaguchi station entrance, keeping my back straight, walking with a perfectly natural carefree feel. As I was approaching the sliding glass doors, a loud and somewhat desperate voice reached me from behind.

"I'll see you around, my dear friend! I'll definitely see you on the alumni meet-up!"

"No matter how many years it takes" I added silently. I neither turned back nor even raised a hand to let him know I heard that. What's the difference? The words were spoken.

The last hope has died.

It was still alive back then, about two years ago. Specifically on that wonderful day in September, when a warm showering rain took us by surprise. When I was sitting behind him on his bike, clinging to his tense back and feeling gentle rainwater running between our bodies dissolving everything that stood between us. Clothes... no, definitely not the clothes.

I never thought that my looks were anything above average. Moreover, that stupid scene with Okamoto was really getting on my nerves that day. That poor narcissist girl, she didn't mean anything special. Truth to be told, she held no interest in Kyon. I'm sure she wasn't purposely trying to make him lose his balance. She's just used to behaving like a princess, that's all there is to it.

But still as soon as she moved closer, he froze like a bunny facing a snake, and he was obviously working too hard to keep his stare on her eyelashes, the stare that was desperately trying to fall about ten inches lower, down to the class beauty's blouse, that had two buttons unbuttoned in a rather negligent way.

At that moment I even felt like comforting him. I knew that such behavior was absolutely natural for the boy going through puberty, plus he'd seen her at the swimming pool that morning. Not only her that is, he saw me as well, but my body never possessed those flashy features that are so welcome to boys' eyes.

Never before have I felt a desire to change myself. When saying that, I'm obviously talking about the looks. That day was the first time ever that I had seriously considered such thoughts.

But the rain summed it all up. A real tropical shower, not too common for our area, especially that time of year. Funny. My very first and last attempt to flirt in a way suitable for a well-behaved but still gentle girl. We rode his bike together hundreds of times, but never in the rain. I guess, I figured that if he likes to watch that much...

…and then I caught his friendly, slightly embarrassed glance and realized that I shouldn't have bet on something I wasn't not familiar with. He never tried to look at my chest, no matter how hard I tried to pull the wet and clinging blouse away. I mean, he was looking in the right direction, but all he saw was just his classmate soaked in the rain. Or rather a friend who got caught up in an unexpected and annoying trouble, but nothing critical there. And when I said that I'd really appreciate if he'd look away for a moment he panicked in such a cute and helpless way.

Funny. Oh no, at that time it wasn't funny at all. I was totally overwhelmed by – obviously not the hurt or anything, what was there to be hurt about? – the feeling that the world was just so wrong to begin with. The realization how painful the difference in how two closest people on earth see each other could be. At that moment I was his most precious and needed friend, I felt and knew that. And of course he was even more so for me.

He didn't care for the laughs and antics that our classmates were shoving at us, considering us a pair of lovers. He loved to watch how I played and fooled around with his little sister – I never played with another child like that, even when I went to the kindergarten myself. Kyon was ready to do anything for me, whatever I could think of asking, but one thing. That very thing, that one should never ask for.

Standing next to him under the narrow shed, feeling his body warmth just an inch away and being angry with the rain that just won't stop, I couldn't help but think – that night in July, did I really make the right choice? Unlimited powers can be a burden, but also a last refuge. For the weak souls.

I've managed to overcome my weakness, the shower was over as if someone shut a giant tap in the sky and we were back on our way to cram school. We didn't talk much, didn't even exchange a glance, but still kept ourselves from slipping into the sticky mud of aloofness. Oh, how many times have I thanked myself since then for resisting that minute's – rather moment's – desire. I did not make an attempt to return everything to how it was before. Though I most certainly could have. And in that crazy April when we met again – that time I definitely would have done so.

One day I'm going to call Tachibana Kyoko and have a long and serious talk. One day I'm going to take the blame for everything I've caused, and what's more – for everything that I haven't. For that stuffy and crazy night in July when I finally came to the decision that I'm not going to take the fate of the whole Universe into my own hands. That night when I walked out of the house under the sparkling glow of the Sky River, raised my face to the sky, spread my hands and shivered in a soundless scream, gazing into the gentle light of the Sokuji.

That gift or that curse – by then it had me pushed to my limits. Constant self-control, instant suppression of the smallest and most innocent desires, having to reflect on every thought – to detect, understand and mercilessly cease those desires. All my conscious life I was afraid of myself, or rather that power, that pulsed in my fingertips, rolled in waves under my skin and sent sparks off my hair.

Timeless exercise gave its fruit – I've grown to be very sensible and quiet, unpretentious and understanding. Ever-forgiving. But eventually I've got tired of the fear of losing control one day which could – consciously or not – result in irreparable damage.

This world is not suited to be a home for a sentient, powerful, yet humane being. There is no way of changing the fate of others to your liking and still managing to stay human. The war favors those who are able to sacrifice a platoon or a regiment or a whole army to reach their goal, but war has its' own principles.

Battling the Universe, imposing your will on other free minds and the nature itself was never my choice. Neither was inner betrayal leading to me losing my own human traits. I'd tried to convey it to Kyon in one of our recent talks, but he didn't seem to get the idea. Although he believed that I was on his side, and that alone made me happy. And I won't lie, it still does.

Kyon... Kyon. By the time we graduated from junior high my powers were barely sufficient for creating a pitiful shower, along with tricking my own espers, who unwillingly became collectors of my widespread and wasted powers. Actually, what I thought back then was that my power had successfully dissipated, returned to the nature, from which I'd stolen it by some strange chain of events.

And maybe – it occurred to me just now – maybe I did lose control over myself that night in July? Maybe I lied to myself, trying to divide and spread my burden, but in fact all I did was look for a successor, who could deal with it in a better way?

The one who wouldn't tire himself with endless attempts to control every desire, but not an idiotic petty tyrant or a heartless cynic at the same time? The one who would find it easy to use these Universal powers to his own and others' pleasure – and do that on the unconscious level?

Well, if that's the case, then someday I'd probably have to admit my guilt before the eyes of Suzumiya Haruhi as well. After all, the chances of me being the reason of the mess she got into are pretty high. Fortunately, Suzumiya-san had no problems in finding those who would support her in joy and sorrow. I, on the other hand, could barely make contact with my own espers, not to mention other, much more powerful allies. There was no way I could consciously make it to where she stands and still remain a human, remain myself.

Same with taking a place in his heart. It's clear now. He still sees me as a dear friend, somebody to share thoughts with, he likes to hang out together, to chat just about everything. His friendly feelings are very warm and sincere. But they are just friendly, nothing more. His heart won't skip a beat when I smile. But whenever a smile comes to her face...

It would be better if I left, so I'm leaving now. Of course, there's no way I'm going to visit that annual alumni meet-up this spring. Why would I want to...re-open this wound of mine?

Yes, a wound.

I am hurt.

It's so unusual, and so uneasy to realize but I really am hurt. I'm not laying any claims, I'm tolerant as ever, I wish him... them every bit of happiness, but this doesn't soothe my pain. And I'm too weak to withhold it. However, unlike those wonderful and fearsome powers I used to have, I'm also unable to scream this pain out to the starry sky above.

Also...

Also, I allow myself some uncertainty. The gift of omniscience has left me along with the gift of omnipotence, though never in my life have I used any of those for my own sake. At least now I don't have to fight this temptation. Otherwise it would have been so hard to restrain myself from checking whether I was right after all.

Whether I was right that this power had a certain flavor. And it was the flavor that Kyon sensed unconsciously, when he grew attracted to Suzumiya-san, from the very first day they've met each other. He even changed his ways completely, becoming active and vigorous, not caring to look back. Yes, he still rattled and grumbled – but then again that's what he's all about.

Sometimes I think that I should have waited a bit more, should have kept that cursed gift for at least a couple of years. At least till the day when I'd exchanged a few general polite and meaningless phrases with that absolutely common classmate of mine. And then realized that I no longer knew how could I even live and breathe before knowing him.

He holds no mysteries within, whatever level you'd try to study him on. Nobody expects anything from him. Year by year he keeps his draggy goofy attitude, sometimes coming quite close to being a smug and pathetic idiot. Kyon won't lift a finger to save himself, but as soon as trouble comes to whoever he considers a friend – both time and space better move out of his way, along with physics and common sense. Because this amazingly thickheaded student tends not to care about the obstacles in his path.

A high-school student.

For now.

I want to remember him being like this. I even reached for my phone to take a picture a couple of times, but never made it. It's okay, pictures are not needed. I will always remember him. I will always think of him. And each and every morning I'll be grateful to myself that I did run out of the stuffy house that night to make my only sincere wish come true.

Because, if things went the other way, I can't be sure that I'd be able to let him go.

Let him go, as simple as that.

And what would be left for me then? An eternal painful struggle of trying to understand whether he chose me by his own will, or maybe I did help him a little?

Please, be happy, Kyon.

Farewell.