Goddamn Thoughts
These goddamn thoughts, they kill me. This time they really do. I was just sitting in this saggy old armchair, looking out the hotel window, when a very crumby thought flitted through my head like some kind of fairy. I ignored it at first. I took off my red hunting hat and twirled it on my finger for a bit. I looked around the lousy room and the thought kept biting me in the bum. It was less like a fairy now and more like a pin under my seat. It was something about the way I think. I always end up thinking things I don't mean, like that horse manure about every sentimental little thing killing me. If that was true, I'd be dead a hundred times over. Just some stain on this crumby old carpet, mashed into the goddamn floor.
It was immature of me to think like that, even downright phony. If old Sally was the queen of the phonies, I would be the emperor. I swear, I would. Damn, I'm no better than the rest of them! That makes me feel like jumping out the window, it really does. The windows in this hotel don't even have any screens or anything, just glass and an old latch that keeps sticking on its way up.
I open it, push out my head and shoulders to feel the breeze, but I still feel very depressed. The perverts upstairs have gone to bed, and I'm all alone in the world on the seventh floor of a hotel. I could do it now, really do it, because I'm so impulsive and skinny enough to fit through the window. I don't even care about people seeing my body or anything, because I don't know them and I won't be there for it.
God, it's all just crashing down on me now. I don't give a damn about being kicked out of Pencey or those other schools, but my parents do, and I just can't stand to see their faces tomorrow. And Phoebe will be devastated. Maybe if I jump she'll remember me in a better way like I do Allie. I'll be the brother who died in such a tragic way, not the brother who said weird things and disappointed everyone all the time.
I'm a wreck, shivering in my hat and thin pajamas. I remember all the people I've lied to or failed, and all the awkward encounters I've had. Hell, my ears are still burning from that thing with Sunny. Now my hat, my splendid red hat, is taking the plunge. I leaned forward too far and it's gone. Actually that's good, because it makes the drop look less awful. I wonder if it will hurt. I'm just so damn depressed, and I have to follow that hat. I lean even farther out, and my feet leave the floor. For a second, I'm flying.