We fade to the inside of Fifi's Cadillac home as she is getting ready for bed. She turns on the radio.
Radio Announcer: We have just received word that notorious criminal Knuckles Cutlet has escaped from the Acme Jail following the lock on his cell being removed for polishing. Citizens of Acme Acres have been advised not to leave their homes after dark and to stay away from dark alleys, dark rooms and dark anything. At least until Cutlet has been captured. He is a wild and dangerous pig.
Fifi: Wild et dangerous peeg? (Giggles) Obviously, 'e 'as not seen ma Hamtone after ah skunk 'im!
Despite her humour, she makes sure that her home is securely locked up before getting into bed.
Fifi: (Yawns) Mon Conniechon eez such a wonderful garçon. Why can't other boys, or peegs for zat matter, be like 'im?
She snuggles into bed and, after turning off the light, slowly falls asleep. We fade to the Junkyard's entrance as Hamton walks wearily home through the dark street.
Hamton: (Exhausted) Whew! What a cleaning session! (With spirit) Still, cleanliness is next to hogliness and the locker rooms should always have adequate hygiene. Pete Puma might be the school's janitor and...I don't mean to brag but I think he really needed my assistance when it comes to properly getting the mess out of the mess hall. Just wish it didn't take five hours ta get that spot off Arnold's locker.
He pauses outside the entrance to the Junkyard and sees the Cadillac that Fifi calls home.
Hamton: I wonder if Fifi's home... (Chuckles) Ask a silly question. She'll be all tucked up in bed, which is where I oughta be.
His stomach grumbles.
Hamton: (Admonishingly) Shush, you'll wake her up! (Reconsidering) Although... I wonder if Fifi would let me have a midnight snack.
He's about to enter the Junkyard when he stops himself.
Hamton: (Shaking his head) No, nope, nyet, ix-nay... I can't just barge in an' demand for food! Besides, I've got some olive loaf in the fridge at home.
There is a clap of thunder and he leaps about a foot in the air in shock.
Hamton: (Nervously) A storm's headed this way. I'd better hurry home.
He begins to trot at a faster pace. He is just passing the alleyway close to the scrapyard when two vice-like hands seize him and drag him into the darkness.
Hamton: (Screams) HEEEELLLLP!
We cut to the interior of the Cadillac. Fifi is still soundly asleep, until...
Hamton: (Offscreen, screaming) OH, HELLLP!
Fifi is jarred awake.
Fifi: (Drowsily) Qu'est que c'est?
There is another clap of thunder that lights up her home's interior. She clutches the comforter in shock.
Hamton: (Offscreen, squealing) HELP, FIFI, HELLLP!
Fifi: (Alert) Hamtone?
Hamton: (Offscreen, yells) Fifi, Fifi, FIFIIIIIII...!
Fifi stumbles out of bed. She fumbles with the lock in the darkness for a bit, and after finally getting the door open, she sprints outside in her gown.
Fifi: (Frantically) Ah am coming, Hammy!
She reaches the entrance to find...nobody there. She looks around.
Fifi: (Unnerved) Hamtone?
There is no answer. She shivers as the wind blows in her direction and scampers back into her Cadillac, locking it shut again.
Fifi: (Getting back into bed) Ah could 'ave sworn ah 'eard Hamton... screaming ma name...
She doesn't go back to sleep as quickly as before now. She looks up at the ceiling, wondering if she really heard her pig. We hear the sounds of rain falling hard on the car's roof.
We abruptly cut to the
ACME SNIFFSNORIAN MUSEUM. It is silent and still for a few beats, until we hear the harsh sound of breaking glass, following by the wail of a burglar alarm. Immediately, several police cars arrive at the museum's entrance and the officers run into the building.
Officer: (Offscreen) We got him!
We fade to black.
THE PIG PURLOINER
By Redtop1995
Part 1
We open on the sun shining brightly upon the city. People are walking to and fro and you wouldn't have thought there had been a kidnapping the previous evening.
Fifi walks cheerfully to school, avoiding puddles created from the storm. She carries her books under her right arm.
Fifi: (Cheerfully) Ah, as ze storm clouds flee, ze sun returns in zeir place. Vat a beautiful day. (Looking around) Mais ou est Hammy? (Shrugs) 'E must 'ave set off early. (Happily waving) Ah! Bonjour, mes amis!
The camera pans over to reveal Babs and Buster walking ahead. They stop and turn around to see her, waiting for her to catch up.
Babs: (Happily) Hi-Yeeee! You sure look happy today, Feef! Did Hamton buy you some more chocolates?
Fifi's mood lessens.
Fifi: (Shakes her head) Non. Babs, Buster, 'ave vous seen him?
Buster: (Beat) I saw him yesterday.
Fifi: (Annoyed) Non, non, non, ah mean right now.
Babs looks around and shakes her head. They continue walking.
Babs: (Indifferently) Honestly, we thought he'd be with you. He often spends time with you since Plucky went to sell stakes in Transylvania. (Raises an eyebrow) Why you askin'? (Gossipy) Is he in trouble an' hidin' from ya?
Fifi: (Unnerved) Non. Eet eez just zat ah...thought ah 'eard him outside ma 'ome last night.
Buster: (Chuckles) We-he-hell! Was he peepin' on ya? It's always the innocent ones! That's why yer lookin' for him, isn't it?
Fifi: (Indignantly) Non! At least not zis time. (Explaining) Ah was asleep, et zen ah 'eard 'im screaming pour 'elp.
Babs: (With a raised eyebrow) You heard Hammy screaming?
Fifi: (Nods her head) Oui! Then, ze storm began. 'E was calling ma name et begging moi to 'elp 'im, mais eet was dark et by ze time ah got outside, ze street was empty, so ah went back to bed.
Buster: (Beat) Maybe you're in heat.
Fifi: (Scandalised) Excusez-moi?!
Buster: (Explaining) No, really. It's probably skunk mating season, an' you've been havin' urges for your mate who, in your case, is Hamton. Maybe your mind was playing tricks on you and givin' you an excuse ta reach out for Hamton. You thought he was in distress but it was nothing.
Fifi: (Sniffs) Ah know when ah am in heat, Buster. Unlike vous, ah am a skunk. Et ah know zat Hamton was outside ma 'ouse!
Babs: (Chuckling nervously) Easy now. Maaaaaybe you were havin' a nightmare.
Fifi: (Uneasily) Eet felt real.
Babs: (Reassuringly) Listen, Feef. What you've described sounds like typical nightmare cliches. A dark stormy night, your soulmate in peril, etc. And besides, what would Hamton be doin' lurkin' around at that time of night?
Buster: (Confidently) He's probably not here because he set off for school early. He mentioned that he needed time ta get the spot off Arnold's locker before Calculations. The three of us are gonna enter the first class, an' we'll see our porker pal sitting at his desk after givin' an apple ta Professor Granny.
Fifi considers this.
Fifi: (Happily) Oui. Vous are both right. Ah am worrying over ze silly dream, no?
We cut to Calculations class. Fifi sits at her desk next to Sweetie. She looks around.
Granny: (Offscreen) Tyrone?
Tyrone: (Offscreen) Here!
Granny: (Offscreen) Generic Student Number 47?
GS#47: (Offscreen) Here!
Granny: (Offscreen) Erm... oh, dear, what's your name?
Mary: (Offscreen) Here.
Granny: (Offscreen) Fifi?
Fifi is still looking around for Hamton. Sweetie flutters up onto her head and gently taps on it.
Fifi: (Absentmindedly) Quoi? (Hastily) Oh! Present, Madame Granny.
She continues looking for her boyfriend. We cut to his desk. It's empty.
Granny: (Offscreen) Hamton? (Beat) Hamton?
Everybody looks around. Hamton is nowhere to be seen. Buster squirms uncomfortably in his seat and shrugs at Fifi.
Granny: (Offscreen) Where is Hamton?
There is a collected murmuring noise. Nobody knows.
Granny: (Offscreen, bemused) No Hamton... how peculiar.
Fifi frets in her seat.
We cut to the end of class. Fifi has seized Buster by the front of his shirt and is shaking him violently.
Buster: (Shocked) Take it easy, Feef! Maybe I was wrong!
Babs: (Deadpan) You were wrong.
Fifi: (Panicking) 'E wasn't zere! 'E would never hop class!
Babs: (Chuckles) I think you mean skip, Feef.
She leaps back as Fifi rounds viciously on her, dropping Buster on his derrière in the process.
Fifi: (Angrily) Eet's not funny! Something 'as 'appened to 'im, ah know eet!
Babs: (Sternly) Look, Fifi, I get that Hamton is real important to ya, but don't ya think yer bein' paranoid? I mean, he was absent from one class an' yer actin' like he's been taken away by some evil creature.
Fifi: (Gasps) Vat eef 'e was? (Tearfully) Et ah did not save 'im!
Buster: (Frustrated) For Avery's sake, Fifi, stop assumin' the worst! There's probably a reasonable explanation for this. (Softens) He's around here somewhere. Trust me, I'm a role model.
Fifi takes a deep breath through her nose and exhales through her mouth.
Fifi: (Regretfully) Desolé, mes amis. Ah am just worried pour 'im.
Babs: (Pats her shoulder) It's alright, Feef. If it was Buster who wasn't here, I'd be actin' just like you. (Beat) Unless he'd squirted me again.
Buster: (Cheerily) We'll all keep an eye out for him.
We see a montage of Buster, Babs and Fifi searching the campus for Hamton. They ask Calamity and Wile. E in the science lab, who shake their heads. Then, they ask Pepe in his office, who shakes his head. The moment they leave, Penelope emerges from under his desk and they continue making out.
They ask Bookworm in the library, who dodges a ravenous Sweetie whilst shaking his head. As they look, we hear a song being sung.
Chorus: (Singing) Hamton? Hamton? HAMTON! Where, oh, where is Hamton? Have you seen our porker pal? Hamton is the hungriest critter of any animal. His loyal, good guy virtues have always brought him fame. He's found hog heaven in Acme Acres. Hamton is his name!
The montage ends. Fifi looks despondent as the trio walk to the cafeteria.
Buster: (Sighs) We've looked everywhere an' he wasn't there. If he's not in here, something's wrong.
They enter the cafeteria just as Gogo emerges from the clock, ringing a triangle. They wait hopefully for the pig to sprint into the area at uncanny speeds and seat himself at their table with an already full tray. But everyone stampedes into the cafeteria and lines up just as Ma Bear serves the slop.
Fifi looks like she's about to burst into tears. Buster gulps.
Buster: (Concerned) Okay, Fifi, you were right. He's gone.
Fifi: (Sobs) Something terrible 'as 'appened to 'im!
She whips round.
Fifi: (Desperately) Do not fear, mon little peeg de grease, ah am coming for yoooou!
She is about to run out of the cafeteria when Babs grabs her by her tail.
Babs: (Shouts) NOW, WAIT A MINUTE!
Fifi: (Weeps) Non! 'E needs moi! Ah was not dreaming last night, 'e really was in danger!
Babs: (Frustrated) Fifi. Stop it. Stop upsetting yourself over nothin'!
Fifi: (Righteously enraged) NOTHING?! Vous think zat my Hammy eez nothing?! Vat if eet was Buster?!
Babs: (Sighs) I didn't say that Hammy was nothin'! Now, look. Hamton's not at Acme Loo. Where else in Acme Acres would he be?
Buster: (Brightly) At Weenie Burgers? Happy World Land? Acme Mall? A concert for the Roches? At Henny Youngman's standup routine?
Babs: (Rolls her eyes) No! Hamton would never cut class. His pig scout virtues wouldn't let him. He'll be at home, sick!
Buster: (Snaps his fingers) That's it!
Fifi: (Hopefully) Vous think so?
Babs: (Confidently) I know so! So, let's all head on over to his house after school. He'd probably appreciate visitors. Especially you, Fifi.
Fifi claps her hands with renewed happiness and embraces Babs.
Fifi: (Joyfully) Oh, bless you, Babs! Hamton eez okay after all!
She skips offscreen.
Buster: (Surprised) Hey, wait, Feef, school ain't over yet!
Fifi: (Offscreen, sweetly) Ah know. Ah just 'ave to make something pour mon Conniechon!
We cut to Buster walking along the country lane that leads to the farm where Hamton lives.
Buster: (Bemused) Y'know, Feef, when you said you were gonna make something for Hammy, I thought it'd be a "get well soon" card.
We pan out to reveal Fifi walking ahead of the Bunnies, carrying a huge three layered chocolate cake with the words "To mon Conniechon, with love" written on it with pink frosting. Despite its size, she carries it like it's a pillow.
Fifi: (Giggles) Buster, pour somebody who made ze guide to romance, vous left out ze one detail about men: ze best way to zeir 'eart is through zeir stomach. Especially if zey are Hamton.
Buster: (Scoffs) Now, that ain't completely true, is it? I mean, sure, Hamton loves food, but I'm more complex than...
Babs hands him a bushel of carrots.
Buster: (Licks his chops) Say, thanks, Babsaloo!
He scoffs them down in one bite. The three friends reach Hamton's house at last. Fifi sets the cake down and raps on the door.
Fifi: (Sing-song) Hamm-ee! Eet's Fee-fee!
Babs: (Sing-song) And Babs-ie!
Buster: (Imitating Michael Jackson) Ee-hee!
He shrugs as Babs and Fifi give him deadpan stares for a second.
Fifi: (Sing-song) Oh, Haaaammy!
Babs abruptly lunges towards the door wearing lederhosen.
Babs: (Screams) OH-DE-OH-LAY-DE-HOOOO!
Fifi flinches, holding her ears at the din.
Babs: (Sheepishly) What? All lovers yodel to each other!
Buster: (Rubbing his ears) That's it, no more watchin' Three Stooges shorts for you, Barbara Ann!
He is suddenly butted offscreen by a mountain goat.
Babs: (Through gritted teeth) What did I say about callin' me that, Bus-ter?
She spin-changes back into her normal attire.
Babs: (Muses) Hmmm... maybe he's too weak an' frail ta answer the door. But we gotta get in ta see him!
She zips offscreen. The camera pans over and we see her digging a hole, mud flying everywhere.
Babs: (Offscreen) We'll hafta tunnel in!
Fifi simply takes out a key and unlocks the door with it. Upon hearing the door open, Babs stops her labouring.
Babs: (Dumbfounded) How'd ya get in?
Fifi: (Nonchalantly) Avec ma spare 'ousekey.
Buster: (Suspiciously) Why do ya have a spare key ta Hamton's house?
Fifi: (Happily) In case 'e needs moi. Ah am 'is petite ami, no? 'E 'as a key to ma 'ome, too.
Buster: (Smirks) Oh, I get it. If either of you get lonely, you can just come around. Yer Hammy's night nurse, huh?
Fifi: (Sultrily) Vous better believe eet, vous playboy bunny.
Picking up the cake, she crosses the threshold. Hamton's abode is dark and silent.
Fifi: (Calling cheerfully) Hamtone? Are tu awake, mon Conniechon? Eet eez moi, Fifi!
There is no answer.
Fifi: (Calling cheerfully) Ah baked tu something sweet! Since tu are sweet! Why don't tu come down et share eet avec moi?
Still no answer. Fifi begins to visibly sweat.
Buster: (Reassuringly) Now, Feef, don't get bent out of shape. Hamton's most likely a heavy sleeper. Head on up to his room.
Fifi: (With renewed confidence) Oui, zat's eet. Ah shall go up et surprise 'im!
With that, she walks upstairs. We cut to Hamton's bedroom. There is a lump under the comforter on his bed. The door creaks as the skunkette cautiously opens it.
Her eyes light up as she sees the lump and she turns to the camera and puts a finger to her lips for silence.
Then, she gets down on all fours and prowls up to the bed, her fluffy tail swishing from side to side as she does so. The camera slowly pans over to the bed when...
...Fifi abruptly pounces.
Fifi: (Gleefully) Wheeeee!
She lands neatly on top of the lump under the duvet and begins tickling it.
Fifi: (Giggles) Ah know tu are under zere, mon Conniechon! Tu cannot fight ze tickling fingers of Fifi!
She continues this for a few more seconds until she realises that the lump isn't reacting. With mounting dread, she lifts the comforter to find she was tickling a pillow. Then, the camera cuts to the bookshelf. It's covered in dust.
Fifi: (Gasps) Mon dieu...
We cut to the living room. Buster is playing with a paddleball whilst Babs examines the cake with longing eyes.
Fifi: (Screams) HAMTONE?! WHERE ARE TU?!
Babs dives into the cake in terror whilst Buster accidentally hits himself in the eye. As they recover, we see Fifi rushing around the house, looking for her pig.
Fifi: (Offscreen) Are tu in 'ere? Hamtone? Are tu up zere? Hammy, answer moi, please!
Buster: (Sighs) This is kinda startin' ta get annoying.
Babs: (Imitating Groucho Marx) You hoid 'o' porcupines? Well, Hammy's a pork-she-pines.
There's a sudden rumbling noise and the house begins to shake. Everything, the furniture, food and the Bunnies, begins to slide down to one side as if the building is being lifted up into the air. We cut to outside. Fifi has lifted the entire house off of its foundation.
Fifi: (Frenzied) Are tu under zere?
She drops the house back with a resounding crash and sprints towards the sty.
Fifi: (Desperately) Are tu taking ze mud bath?!
She dives into the mud. Buster and Babs walk outside.
Babs: (Worried) But, seriously though, I don't like this. Hamton wasn't at school, he wasn't at home. Where else could he be?
Buster: (Ponders) Hmmm...maybe if we get Shirl ta scope out his aura, we'll know for sure!
Babs: (Happily) Good idea!
She whips out her pink cell phone and puts Shirley on speed dial. After a few rings, we hear the loon's voice.
Shirley: (Offscreen) Like, hi-yeee! It's Shirley McLoon speakin'...
Babs: (Cheerfully) Hey, Shirl, listen...
Shirley: (Offscreen) Like, only kiddin'. I'm not home, or some junk. I ain't in Acme Acres either. I'm in Transylvania, lookin' for lonesome ghosts...an' Pl-ucky came with me. He's like a mondo bad smell that just won't go away. Anyhoo, don't go missin', because I won't be here ta help ya an' yer on yer own. Please leave a message or some junk.
Babs hangs up.
Babs: (Worried, to Buster) We'll hafta find him ourselves.
Suddenly, a huge muddy lump emerges from the sty.
Babs: (Clutching Buster) AIIII-YEEEEEEE! It's the Creeping Unknown! It's not of this Earth!
The muddy lump shakes itself to reveal Fifi.
Fifi: (Panicking) Babs! Buster! Ah cannot find Hamtone!
Buster: (Shakes his head) Yeah, we could tell. Where could he be?
Fifi: (Gravely) Something eez wrong, mes amis. Trés wrong. 'Is 'ouse eez dirty!
Babs: (Gulps) Uh-Oh... Hamton would never let his house get filthy, even if he was sick or his ribs were broken. (Clears her throat) So, he's nowhere to be seen, an' his house is dirty...
Fifi suddenly has an epiphany.
Fifi: (Whispers) Last night...
We abruptly enter a flashback.
Hamton: (Offscreen, screaming) HEEEELLLLP! OH, HELLLP! HELP, FIFI, HELLLP! Fifi, Fifi, FIFIIIIIII...!
The flashback ends.
Fifi: (Tearfully) Eet was not a nightmare. Eet was real! Hammy really was screaming ma name! Et...ah...ah...
She buries her head in her hands. Babs immediately steps forward and hugs her as she sobs.
Babs: (Softly) There, there... C'mon, Feef, you can't blame yourself.
Fifi: (Sniffles) Vous do not understand, Babs. Eef...eef eet 'ad been moi who was in danger et screaming pour 'elp...ma Hamtone would do everything in 'is power to save moi... Mais when 'e needed moi, ah failed 'im... (Bawls) Ah am a terrible soulmate!
Babs: (Sternly) No. Fifi La Fume, you are NOT a terrible soulmate. The fact that yer gettin' so worked up about Hammy is proof that you love him. Now, listen to me. Hamton has gone missing. Neither of us know where he is. But, so help me, we're gonna find him. Even if it's the last thing we do.
Fifi: (Wipes her eyes) We...we will?
Babs: (Imitating Scarlett O'Hara) With Warner's as my witness, we will not rest until Hamton John Jacob Jingleheimer Pig is safely found!
Buster: (With spirit) Darn tootin'!
He does a spin change, emerging as his "Brainy Domes" persona.
Buster: (With an exaggerated British accent) Brainy Domes is on the case!
Fifi: (Touched) Merci, Babs, Buster... ah appreciate eet. (Convincing herself) We will find Hammy. Ah just know eet...
Babs: (Patting her shoulder) Course we will! (To the heavens) Hold on, Hammy! We're comin' ta get ya!
We cut to an office. While Babs photocopies her face, Buster talks to Fifi. We can see Tina Russo reading a magazine with an uninterested expression whilst blowing bubblegum.
Buster: (Sagely) The best way to find a missing pig, or a missing anyone for that matter, is to make sure that everyone else knows they're missing, then everyone can look for the missing anyone until someone finds them and they're not missing anymore. (Clears throat) You gettin' this, Feef?
Fifi nods her head eagerly, and then after a beat, she shakes it.
Buster: (Sighs) Nuts.
He whips out a missing poster. If you look closely, you can see Rita and Runt are the missing animals.
Buster: (Taps the poster) While the three of us look for Hamton, we'll put up missing posters!
Fifi: (Puzzled) Mais eef ze posters are missing, 'ow shall we put zem up?
Buster: (Sighs) The posters will let people know Hamton's missing. But what we need is a photo of the missing link.
Fifi: (Brightly) Oh, ah 'ave plenty!
She whips out a set of scrapbooks. One of them reads "Memories with Babs and Shirley" and one reads "Memories of France". At last, she picks up another that reads "Memories with My True Love". She starts going through it. Buster waits patiently.
Fifi: (Coos) Awwww, regardez! Zere eez our prom picture. Oh, 'e looked so handsome in zat tux...
She turns a page.
Fifi: (Points) Zat was ze day Hammy et moi did ze 'omework pour Professeur Pepe in which we 'ad to chase et catch each other. (Fondly) Hamtone was not trés good at bounding on all-fours mais 'e did 'is best. (Laughs) 'E bounced around like a chubby petit beach ball!
She turns the page.
Fifi: (Gasps) Sacré bleu! Ah forgot about zis one! Hammy et moi went on ze vacances et we met Arnold et we all took turns diving into ze swimming pool! Hamton hit ze water so 'ard, 'is swim shorts flew off et 'e 'ad to stay in ze pool until we found zem! Eet took us six hours!
Buster: (Eagerly) Whoa, really, I wanna see!
Fifi abruptly slams the book shut.
Fifi: (Sternly) Zat eez pour moi et Hammy only to see, merci beaucoup!
As Buster pouts with his arms folded and his ears flopping down, Fifi continues consulting her scrapbook.
Buster: (Mildly impatient) So, when are ya gonna find the perfect photo of Hamton?
Fifi: (Sighs) Desolé, Buster. Eet's just zat...ever since Hammy disappeared, eet...eet feels nice to reminisce on ze times we shared together.
Buster: (Chuckles) Fifi, he's only been missing for a day. You're acting like he's...(He trails off)
Fifi: (Sadly) Eet feels like un eternity. Right now, all ah 'ave eez ma scrapbook of ma Hammy. (Tearfully) Because...pour all ah know...'e...'e...
Buster: (Hastily) Ah, no, no, no, Feef. Don't think about that. He'll be safe, I promise you. But we'll never find him unless you give me a photo of him.
Taking some scissors, Fifi cuts out a photo of Hamton. Reluctantly, she hands it to the blue rabbit.
Fifi: (Smiling sadly) Eet's from our prom picture. Ah thought eet would be, how-you-say, symbolic zat eet would be ze one to bring 'im back.
Buster: (Smiling, shakes his head) You really are a romantic, aren't ya?
Fifi: (Smiling despite herself) Ah cannot 'elp eet, mon ami. Ah am French.
As Buster walks offscreen to make a missing poster, Fifi looks down at her scrapbook, disheartened at the sight of herself now all alone.
We cut to
Babs, who has finished photocopying her face and is now laughing at her expressions on the several sheets of printed paper. Tina walks up to her.
Tina: (Deadpan, to Babs) So, how're you plannin' ta pay?
We cut to Montana Max's Mansion, and then fade into the spoiled brat's bedroom. He's on his phone made of solid gold.
Monty: (Businesslike) Yeah. So, ya found more of those dumb animals, huh? Dumb animals no-one will worry about? Yeah, that's great. Put it with the other dumb animals. You'll get yer pay on May 32nd. See ya.
He hangs up. Grovely enters the room, carrying a roast chicken.
Grovely: (Complacently) Here you go, Master Monty. Fresh chicken. So fresh, in fact, that it was walking around five minutes ago.
Monty: (Eagerly) Yippee! My new Merry Meat Factory is gonna be a hit!
Grovely: (Deadpan) Especially since you're the sole consumer.
Monty: (Rolls his eyes) It was the only way! If those whiny animal lovers or those goody-goody rabbits got a hold of the news, they'd be on me like flies on manure! (Ponders) Speaking of... I need someone ta clean up after those dumb animals. Can't have 'em stinkin' up the cellar!
Grovely gulps.
Monty: (Dismissively) Naw, not you. You still gotta clean the mansion! What I need is a master in cleanliness. Some sap like...like...
He ponders for a beat before grinning maliciously and clasping his hands together.
Monty: (Nastily) Yeah. He's perfect!
Babs glues a missing poster with Hamton's photo onto a tree. It is now sunset.
Babs: (Mops her brow) Phew! Well, that's the last of 'em! Now everyone will know our congenial companion is missing!
The camera pans out to reveal the trees in Acme Forest are completely covered in posters. There's no sign of any leaves or bark.
Buster: (Snarky) Well, in this neck of the woods, that is.
He looks up to see the setting sun.
Buster: (Sighs) It'll be dark soon. We'll continue looking for Hammy tomorrow. (Yawns and stretches) Well, we'd best be hittin' the hay.
He turns to leave but his girlfriend stops him.
Babs: (Shakes her head) Not so fast, Blue Ears. I dunno if we should just up an' leave Feef right now.
She points offscreen and we slowly pan over to the skunkette watching the sunset from the top of a hill. The breeze gently fans her fluffy tail and ripples her periwinkle hair. We get a view of Fifi's face. She looks despondent, her lower lip jutting out in a pout. She looks like she's fighting back tears.
Fifi: (Sighs deeply) Oh, Hamtone... Where could tu be?
Babs places a hand on her shoulder. She gasps in shock and wheels around as if expecting an attack. The pink bunny backs off slightly, waving her hands disarmingly. Fifi inhales and then heavily exhales before turning to face the setting sun again.
Babs: (Sheepishly) Sorry, Fifi. Guess yer lost in yer thoughts.
Fifi: (Sadly) Desolé, Babs. Ah am just worried, zat eez all.
Babs: (Gently) We'll find him.
Fifi: (Shakes her head) Ah 'ope vous are right. Ah cannot lose 'im.
Babs: (Chuckles) Ironic, isn't it? You spent years searchin' for love, an' now you're back to square one in a way. Only this time, ya know what yer lookin' for.
Fifi: (Tearfully) Hamtone eez ze one. Ma true love. 'E eez not like other boys. 'E does not take advantage of moi or flee like ze Roadrunner when ah am near. 'E sees moi as a normal Toon. Not some repulsive stink bug or some airheaded floozy. (Beat) Ah doubt zat ah will move on. Hammy et moi are like ze lovebirds. If one loses ze other, zey refuse to find love elsewhere et will spend ze rest of zeir lives alone. True love cannot be replaced.
Babs: (Resolutely) You won't hafta move on, Fifi. Buster an' I will help ya scour the Tooniverse for Hamton. We'll find him faster than you can say "Le Trendy Deserterie".
Fifi: (Smiling) Merci, Babs. Vous are un true friend. (Seriously) Mais we 'ad better find ma Hammy quickly. 'E may be in terrible danger. Ah can imagine 'im somewhere out zere...
We enter Fifi's mind's eye. Hamton sprints through a dead and barren forest with gnarled branches. The pig's clothes are filthy, tattered and hole-ridden. He has several wounds across his exposed skin.
He is being pursued by a pack of snarling, red-eyed wolves. Dirt flies as their powerful paws pound the ground. Saliva flies from their tongues and razor-sharp teeth. They are gradually gaining on their fleeing prey.
Just as the wolves jump him, the scene changes.
Hamton is now strapped to a table in a grimy kitchen. A figure wearing an apron with red stains on it approaches him, brandishing a cleaver. The figure takes a piece of white chalk out of his pocket and draws a line on the paralysed pig's neck.
Hamton: (Screams) Fifi, wherever you are, HELP ME!
The vision ceases abruptly, and we see Babs embrace Fifi, who is snivelling and shivering uncontrollably.
Fifi: (Choked sobbing) Zey...zey cannot do zat to 'im! 'E...'E could die, Babs!
Babs: (Frustrated) Don't say that! What are the odds of that happening?
Fifi: (Sniffles) Zere are wicked people out zere. Zey might 'ave ze taste pour pork!
Babs: (Beat) But, Fifi. You have a taste for pork!
Fifi: (Correcting) Dans ze good way. Not like ze terrible people dans la monde. (Determinedly) Ah 'ave to find 'im!
She is about to continue her search when Buster stops her.
Buster: (Gently) Fifi, ya won't find him in the dark. There's no point tiring yourself out. Get some sleep an' keep yer strength up.
Fifi: (Nervously) Ah cannot go 'ome, Buster... Ah keep thinking about Hamtone, et...
Babs: (Pacifying) C'mon, Feef, don't upset yourself.
Fifi: (Calming down) Eef my thoughts about ma Hammy are zat dreadful, ah do not want to see ma dreams.
Babs: (Pats her hands) Tell ya what. Tonight, you can stay with me. Then, if you have ANY nightmares about Hammy, I'll be there ta help. Mom won't mind guests!
Buster: (Reassuringly) And I'll see if I can find any clues. Now, let's all get some shut eye.
Taking Fifi's left arm, and motioning for Babs to take her right, they lead her away. She looks back, somewhat sadly, as they do so.
The Next Morning
We see complete darkness. Abruptly, we hear a metal scraping sound and there is a burst of sunlight. Babs's face lurches into view.
Babs: (Calling) HAAAAMTON?! OLLY-OLLY GODFATHER THREE!
We cut to a view of an alley to reveal that Babs is searching for Hamton in a trash can.
Buster: (Amused) Babsie...of all the places for Hamton ta be, why d'ya think he'd be in a garbage pail?
Babs: (Shrugs) Irony, I guess. I mean, he has a track record for hygiene yet his girlfriend has an odor problem an' lives in a junkyard.
Buster: Touché. And speakin' of girlfriends, I wonder if Fifi's havin' any better luck than us.
Abruptly, a cat yowls offscreen.
Fifi: (Offscreen, disappointed) Vous are not Hamton! Shoo! Shoo, tout de suite!
Furball scampers past, his fur and tail standing on end.
Buster: (Chuckles) An' there's some more irony for ya!
Fifi plods sadly into view.
Fifi: (Despondent) 'E eez not 'ere.
She kicks the trash can Babs was searching in, sending it flying like a football.
Fifi: (Angrily) C'est ridicule! Ah do not understand, every time ah watch ze TV, zese wicked people always leave ze evidence behind. We 'ave been looking et looking et we 'ave not found un draw!
Buster: (Correcting) Trace.
There is suddenly a loud CLANG! The trio wince.
?: (Offscreen) OW! Who did that?!
Buster, Babs and Fifi whistle innocently. The camera pans out to reveal an elderly Farmer rubbing his head. A dented trash can lies next to him.
Farmer: (Ranting) Warner really hates me! First I get conned outta sellin' a fine pig to that low-life Montana Max an' then a garbage can falls outta the sky an' gives me a headache!
Fifi: (Horrified) Un fine peeg?
Farmer: (Ranting) Yeah! A really fine pig that I was gonna sell ta market! That brat said he'd take it an' gimme the money on May 32nd! The 31st has been an' gone an' I got no million dollars! (Beat) Who said that?
Babs: (Pondering) A pig? Monty ain't one for pets. What would he want with a pig?
Fifi gasps and we enter her mind's eye. Hamton is strapped to a table in a grimy kitchen. A figure wearing an apron with red stains on it approaches him, brandishing a cleaver. The figure takes a piece of white chalk out of his pocket and draws a line on the paralysed pig's neck.
The camera pans up to reveal that the figure is Monty.
Monty: (Dementedly) To market, to market to buy a fat pig. Home again, home again, JIGGITY JIG!
Hamton: (Screams) NO! NOOOOOOOOOOO!
The vision shatters.
Fifi: (Screams) HAMTON!
Before the bunnies can say a word, she gets down on all-fours and sprints offscreen.
Babs: (Shocked) Fifi, what...?!
Buster: (Grimly) Monty probably hasn't bought a pig ta search for truffles. C'mon, Babs! Feef's gonna need our help.
Grabbing her arm, he sprints after the running skunkette. We cut to Fifi racing at breakneck speeds through the city. Her fur is frizzled, her arms and legs pumping like pistons on a steam engine, and her long fluffy tail waving like a flag in a storm.
Fifi: (Furiously) Not ma Hammy, NOT MA HAMMY!
As her temper rises, musk flows from her tail, causing parked cars to either rust or melt.
Fifi: (Screams) AH WILL SAVE TU, MON CONNIECHON!
We fade to Monty's mansion. The owner in question is eating toast and marmalade whilst using a hundred dollar bill as a napkin.
Monty: (Yawns) I wonder what the poor kids are doin'.
Grovely: (Deadpan) I hate to ruin your day, Master Monty, but you seem to have trouble.
Monty: (Indifferently) If it's the Loan Sharks, set up the bear traps.
Grovely: (Shakes his head) There's an angry skunk heading straight for your far-from-humble homestead.
Monty: (Baffled) What?
Grovely hands him a telescope. Monty rushes to the window and looks through it...the wrong way.
Monty: (Scoffs) Don't be stupid, Grovely, she's miles away!
Grovely snatches the telescope from him and spins it around so he's looking through it properly. Monty's left eye inflates like an airbag and shatters the lens.
Monty: (Screams) AUGH, SHE'S RIGHT ON TOP OF US!
He runs into the hallway.
Monty: (Panicking) SOUND THE ALARM! WE'RE ABOUT TA BE ATTACKED BY AN IRATE POLECAT!
He rushes towards his vault.
Monty: (Yells) Grovely, hold her off! I'll be in the panic room!
He dives inside and slams the door shut.
We cut to the inside of the vault. Monty sits in the fetal position amongst the gold bars, jewels and bags of money. We hear faint sounds of wood splintering and metal snapping from outside.
Monty: (Sings fearfully) Money...that's wh-what I want...
Fifi: (Offscreen, roaring) WHERE ARE VOUS?!
Monty: (Sobbing) Go away! Please! Leave me an' my money alone!
Suddenly, his money begins to slowly spin as if it's going down a whirlpool. In panic, Monty tries to scramble out, but he gets dragged into the sinkhole. We hard cut to black.
We fade in to see
Fifi looking positively incensed, snarling at the camera. Babs and Buster walk up on either side of her.
Fifi: (Furiously) Alright, vous vile, heartless dog. Ah am going to ask vous zis once, et don't vous dare lie to moi: where eez Hamtone?
We cut to the dazed and bemused Monty. He is ensnared in Fifi's tail. We can see that he's also tied to a chair.
Monty: (Burbles) Wha-?
Babs slaps him in the face.
Monty: (Yells) OW!
Babs slaps him again, this time with a fish.
Babs: (Snarls) Shaddap!
Monty: (Outraged) Whadda you losers doin'?!
Buster: (Folding his arms, deadly calm) Alright, Montana Maximilian. Just tell us where yer holdin' the pig an' you won't get hurt...much.
Monty: (Baffled) Pig? What pig?
Babs thrusts the fish down the brat's pants.
Babs: (Snarls) I said shaddap!
Monty: (Angrily, to Babs) Stop that, you...! (Laughs) NO! Stop that, hahahahaha! Get it out!
Buster slaps him across the face.
Buster: (Coldly) Where is Hamton?
Babs slaps him again.
Fifi: (Icily) Ou est Hamtone?
Babs slaps him again.
Babs: (Angrily) Where's Hammy?!
Monty: (Flustered) I...
Babs slaps him again.
Babs: (Angrily) Shaddap!
Buster: (Deadpan) Barbara Ann, we can't interrogate him if you keep tellin' him ta shut up.
Babs slaps him across the face. Monty sniggers but the pink bunny slaps him once again.
Monty: (Protesting) Look, I dunno what happened to yer fat friend, now lemme loose an' get outta here before I call the cops!
Fifi: (Grimly) Bien. Let zem come. Ah am sure zat zey will find vat vous 'ave to say trés interesting!
Babs: (Tauntingly) Y'know what the penalty for pignapping is? A one-way trip ta Bogeyland!
Monty: (Frustrated) RRRRRRRRRR! What're you morons talkin' about?! I didn't pignap!
Buster: (Scoffs) Don't play dumb with us. Yer a villain! It's in yer nature ta kidnap congenial, peace-loving, wouldn't-hurt-a-fly pigs!
Monty: (Bargaining) Look, if I gave the three of you jobs, would you drop this?
Fifi: (Affronted) Absolutely not! Now, where eez...
Buster: (Shakes his head) Feef, he ain't co-operatin'. We'll have to send in our little friend.
Monty: (Horrorstruck) What?
Buster puts two fingers in his mouth and...doesn't blow.
A giant zipper materialises out of nowhere and Gogo emerges from it.
Gogo: (Cheerfully) HELL...O!
Buster: (Happily) Hiya, Gogo. We need you to torture Monty.
Gogo pulls out a rubber chicken, a mallet and a blueberry pie.
Buster: (Shakes his head) Naw, we need...a little help.
Gogo: (Winks) Ohhhhhh, I gotcha.
He fishes in his pocket and pulls out a washtub full of soapy water. Putting on a shower cap, he dives in with a SPLASH!
After a beat, he reemerges...now the size of an ant.
Gogo: (Squeaking) I'm goin' in!
Monty: (Horrified) Get him away from me! What's he gonna do?!
But it's too late. Gogo zooms into his left ear. Sweat begins to trickle down Monty's forehead.
Gogo: (Offscreen) Monty, how long have you known you have a brain tumour?
Monty: (Terrified) WHAT?!
Gogo: (Offscreen) Hey, the eardrums! Perfect, I'm a professional eardrummer!
Abruptly, we hear loud banging noises.
Monty: (In agony) AAAAAAAAUUUUUGGGGGHHH!
We hear a ripping noise and everything goes silent.
Gogo: (Offscreen) Uh-oh. (Cheerily) Ah, well, nothin' some duct tape can't fix!
Abruptly, Monty's hearing is restored.
Gogo: (Offscreen) There we go! (Beat) Heeeeey! Monty, your truth isn't plugged in!
Fifi: (Hopefully) Truth?
Buster: (Chuckles) Great! Now we're getting somewhere. He'll spill the beans about Hammy! Gogo, plug his truth in!
Gogo: (Offscreen) Okey-dokey! Here goes...
We hear a popping sound and Monty suddenly goes stock still.
Monty: (Monotonously) I have urinary incontinence, that is why I wear diapers until Mom can buy pads.
Babs: (Dumbfounded) You wear diapers?
She and Buster share a look, before bursting into peals of laughter.
Buster: (Calming down) Never mind that! Just tell us where Hamton is!
Monty: (Monotonously) I have plans to revive my Merry Meats franchise. I have swindled several oafish farmers into giving me their livestock so I can slaughter them and turn them into delicious meaty treats. I am hoarding the animals in that room over there.
He points to a door in the corner of the room.
Buster: (Smugly) Aha! At long last! Thanks, Gogo, you can come out now!
Gogo: (Offscreen) Nah, I like it in here! Just don't tell him I'm still in his head.
We hear another popping sound and Monty immediately goes back to normal.
Monty: (Dazed) Owwww… What happened. Everything went dark… What did you losers do to me?!
Buster: (Grins) That's not important now. We got what we wanted.
He points to the door in the corner of the room.
Monty: (Gasps) No, don't go in there!
Fifi: (Joyfully) Oh, Hammy! We've found ma Hammy! (Threatening, to Monty) If 'e eez 'urt, zen zere will be ze devil to pay!
Monty frantically shakes his head as the bunnies and skunkette reach the door.
Monty: (Bellows) No! NOOOOO!
Buster wrenches the door open...and a stampede of farm animals thunder out, muddying the floor with their hoof prints. Happy the Cow prances out last.
Happy: (To BB&F) Whoo! I wouldn't go in there if I were you! It sure does stink!
Ignoring the bovine's warning, Fifi scampers inside.
Monty: (Sobs) My meals! My meat! Gone! I'm ruined!
Abruptly, a mob of Hippies thunder into the room, holding signs that read "MEAT IS MURDER!" and "I'M A VEGAN!"
Hippies: (To Monty, angrily) COW KILLER!
They jump Monty, disappearing into a ball of flying fists and feet. Before the bunnies can question what is going on, Fifi comes out of the room where the animals were being held.
Fifi: (Downcast) 'E's not in zere.
Babs: (Sheepishly) So, Monty was innocent...
Buster: (Shrugs, to Babs) Well, no, he was hoardin' those animals, intendin' to eat 'em. In fact, if we hadn't shown up...
Lola: (Offscreen, interrupting) Then hundreds of innocent farm animals would have been slaughtered!
Monty: (As he's being beaten up) NOW WHAT?!
Lola Bunny runs into the room, accompanied by a news team.
Lola: (To the camera) I'm Lola Bunny, reporting live from the mansion of the notorious Montana Max, who has just been discovered to have captured several cows, horses, pigs and sheep to kill and eat.
Monty: (As he's being beaten up) THEY WERE LEGALLY ACQUIRED!
Lola: (Ignoring him) And we never would have found out his dastardly deed if it hadn't been for the combined efforts of these young toons!
Babs: (To the camera, excitedly) Hi, Mom!
Lola puts her microphone in Fifi's face.
Lola: (To Fifi) What are your thoughts on being a hero, young lady?
Fifi: (Irritated) Ah do not 'ave time pour zis. Ah am looking pour ma boyfriend!
She pushes the microphone out of her face and storms offscreen. Buster follows her. A light bulb suddenly appears above Babs's head. She talks into the microphone.
Babs: (To the camera) Her boyfriend's name is Hamton Pig!
She scampers off.
Lola: (Puzzled) Hamton Pig? (Perkily) Well, whoever Hamton Pig is, I'm sure he's proud of them!
That Evening
We fade to Fifi pacing in Babs's bedroom. After a few seconds, the door opens and Babs bounds in.
Babs: (Cheerily) Get yer vocals in tune, Feef, 'cos we're gonna be on the radio!
Fifi: (Puzzled) Pourquoi?
Babs: (Cheerily) That news report gave me an idea. We'll let the whole of Acme Acres know that our Hamton is missing! It's just like when I built that movie theatre that only played Bosko cartoons, an' now EVERYONE knows who Bosko is!
Fifi: (Baffled) Who eez Bosko?
Babs does a slow burn, but recovers.
Babs: (Briskly) C'mon. We'll find yer love sausage in no time once yer on the air!
Taking Fifi by the arm, she marches her offscreen.
We fade to a radio station. It has a sign that reads "Radio ACME" in big red letters.
Chorus: (Singing) Radio ACME... with Mac and Tosh the Goofy Gophers!
Mac: (Offscreen) Thank you! Welcome to tonight's Radio ACME!
We fade to the studio inside. Mac and Tosh are wearing headsets that are far too big for them.
Tosh: (Happily) Thank you for that welcome, Mac!
Mac: (Cheerfully) Well, you're welcome for thanking me for welcoming our listeners...
Babs scuttles up, whispers in his ear and then darts offscreen.
Mac: (Clears his throat) Yes, of course. Tonight, we have a special guest performing at Radio ACME.
Tosh: Mac, old boy, who should introduce her?
Mac: Would you like to do the honours?
Tosh: Oh, no, no, no, no, old chum, I insist that you introduce our guest.
Mac: If I may venture an opinion, my friend, you have a much better...
Buster: (Irritably, interrupting) Tonight's guest is Fifi La Fume!
Fifi moves up to the microphone, Babs helping her carry her harp.
Mac: (Indignantly, to Buster) How rude!
Tosh: (Pleasantly, to Fifi) So, then, young lady. What are you going to play for us tonight?
Fifi: (Noncommittally) Ah am going to sing a tribute song pour ma boyfriend...Hamtone Peeg.
Mac: (Nodding) I see. And where is this Hamton?
Fifi: (Swallows her emotions) Ah do not know.
Babs cuts in.
Babs: (Explaining) Y'see, Mr Mac an' Mr Tosh, Hamton went missin' a few days ago. Fifi, Buster an' I have been tryin' ta look for him since!
Mac: (Tuts) Oh, dear. A misplaced man.
Tosh: (Shaking his head) A purloined pig.
Mac: We wish you luck in finding him.
Tosh: But, what song are you going to play for Hamton?
Fifi: (Beat, swallows) Our song, monsieur.
Before either of the Goofy Gophers can say any more, she turns to the microphone.
Fifi: (Softly) Zis eez pour tu, Hammy. Wherever tu are.
The studio is silent as she begins to pluck the harp strings.
Fifi: (Sings) Ah give 'im all ma love. Zat's all ah do... And eet vous saw my love. Vous'd love 'im, too. Ah love him...
We fade to a battered radio. In the background, we can see that the paint is peeling off the walls behind the radio.
Hamton: (Offscreen) F-Fifi?
We fade back to the studio. Fifi plays the harp like a professional, but we see her eyes glisten with tears. Babs holds Buster's gloved hand.
Fifi: (Sings) 'E gives moi everything...et tenderly. Ze kiss ma lover brings...'e brings to moi. Et Ah Love 'im.
She sniffs loudly, attempting valiantly to stop the tears. Buster and Babs share an uneasy look. They know what's coming.
Fifi: (Voice breaking) A love like ours...could never die...as long as ah...'ave 'im near moi...
But before she can end the song, she stops plucking the strings and covers her face with her hands, sobbing. Immediately, Babs strides up and embraces her.
Babs: (Comforting) C'mon. It's okay.
Fifi: (Weeping) Non...eet eez not. 'E eez gone, Babs. Gone! Et eet's all ma fault!
Babs: (Shakes her head, comforting) No, Feef. We'll find him.
We cut back to the view of the battered radio. Fifi's cries can still be heard from the speakers.
Fifi: (Inconsolably, offscreen) 'E was ze only boy who loved moi! Et ah'll never see 'im again!
Hamton: (Offscreen, shouting) Fifi! It's me! I'm here! Fifi, don't go! Don't go...!
We fade to black.
To Be Continued...