It would be strange to describe someone as alone when they stood nearly shoulder-to-shoulder in a crowd, but Alicia stood as alone as one could be in the crowded club. There, just outside the dance floor, she watched on silently as she sipped her drink. Non-alcoholic. With her being under the drinking age, her friend was risking enough trouble just letting her in. She watched the dance floor, wanting to join in, but couldn't bring herself to do so. She wasn't exactly shy. She had friends, they all ran around and had fun together. She wasn't the quiet one, didn't lack confidence, she was snarky and known for her smirk… but at the same time, underneath, there was always a question. Is this me? She hated that question. She knew who she was. But there were times when her confidence wavered and never more than when it came to dancing. It wasn't that she lacked nerve or daring; she'd ridden dirt bikes and gone cliff jumping. It wasn't fear of performing in front of others, those previous examples standing as evidence, as well as the debates she used to start in school.
Letting her guard down, that's what it was. She would feel too exposed. People said that dancing makes you feel free, that you could lose yourself on the dance floor. Alicia was struggling to hold onto herself. Nineteen years old and she was experiencing an existential crisis. Hadn't she always been? She was determined to get past it. Only she could decide who she was and she was ready to prove that to the niggling question inside her.
She placed her glass on the bar with resolve, but when she turned back toward the dance floor, she found herself nose to nose with a stranger. Alicia gasped in surprise, but the face in front of her showed no sign of being startled. An amused smirk played at the corner of the woman's mouth and her blue eyes were alight with such confidence, such life, that Alicia could do nothing more than stare. The woman's amusement seemed to grow, broadening her smirk to a full grin, and Alicia felt the embarrassment and humor begin to seep in. However, before her bashful smile was fully in place, her lips were covered by those of the grinning stranger. The sudden shock had Alicia frozen on spot once again, but the woman didn't pull away. Disbelief was the first and strongest feeling to the unexpected contact, but a fierce swirl of sensation soon followed. Lips, gentle but persistent, touched hers once, twice, and again, waiting for her to respond. With each touch, there was a thrill of excitement. There was no thought involved when Alicia began returning the kiss. It was all feeling, all so very intense. People said that they could lose themselves on the dance floor, but it couldn't possibly compare to this. No other kiss she'd ever had had been like this either. It was burning, searing to the core. It strummed deep within, causing her whole body to hum, a singing in her veins and a tingling sensation that shivered to the tips of her fingers and toes.
Slowly, the woman's lips retreated from hers and the hand cupping Alicia's head slipped away. The hoots and jeers around them broke through and Alicia looked around anxiously, fighting embarrassment like she'd never known before. When she realized her own hands on the woman's waist, she pulled back like she'd been burned. Had her friend seen? She hadn't even looked back at the woman yet, unable to believe how she'd let herself go. Who was this-?
Before she could think any more about it, the woman's hand was in hers and dragging her away. Leaving the main room behind, pushing through the door to the hallway leading to the bathrooms, was another strike to her brain. Brighter, quieter, this area further removed her from what had just happened. Finally, she turned to look at the woman again. The very first moment she'd seen her, Alicia knew she was beautiful and she was just as beautiful here in front of her now. Blue eyes, she remembered well, blond hair half pulled back, and lips… she definitely remembered lips. The feel, the taste, and then that amused smirk, that amused smile. Amused; that upset Alicia. Had the woman treated her as a joke? But the woman's smile was soft now… affectionate… in ways that felt… intimate, sincere. Alicia simply couldn't make sense of it.
The woman pulled her further from the door and when she'd backed herself against the wall, she took Alicia's face in both her hands and slowly, gently guided Alicia into another kiss. Alicia wasn't sure why she allowed it. She wasn't sure why she was kissing this woman again. Searching for answers perhaps. Because whatever the first kiss was, this was different. The first kiss was heated, something that had been getting more demanding, desperate, clinging. This was soft and gentle, so different from the first, but the feelings, powerful, both aching and soothing, were here in this kiss. A tender kiss as one between long-time lovers.
At that thought, Alicia immediately pulled away. When she looked at the woman, she did her best to hide her feelings. She didn't want the woman to see the fear and uncertainty that all this had caused.
"I'm sorry. I probably shouldn't have done that… I don't… I'm not… I've never… you know." Alicia's hand waved around unhelpfully as she struggled for words. The confidence she usually carried was conspicuously missing. When the amused smile on the other woman's face returned, Alicia had to wonder if that's where her confidence went. The blond kisser had stolen it.
"Never? It seems you do with me," she replied playfully.
"No, I…" Alicia scrambled for an argument, a way to explain. "I have a boyfriend."
"Oh… Right." The woman nodded slowly, appearing as though she was seriously pondering the situation.
Alicia wasn't sure what to make of the reaction, but still felt the need to defend herself. "I really do. I have a boyfriend. He-"
"I don't doubt it," the woman hurriedly cut in. "That just means I'm going to have to wait a little longer."
"What?" Alicia sputtered. "You don't even know me."
The woman shook her head with a small, sad smile. "I'll always know you, Lexa. You'll always know me, too. Sometimes it just takes a little longer."
"Wait, what… My name's not Lex-"
"Alicia. Alicia, right?" the woman corrected.
"I never told you my-" Alicia had begun backing away but stopped when the woman took hold of her arm.
"I have names, too. Clarke's a favorite."
"Okay, you're kind of-"
"Alicia, do you ever have this feeling inside? A feeling there's more to you? That you are more? Everyone does, but not like you. Here…" Clarke's hand slid down to hold Alicia's forearm, exposing the wrist. Alicia was anxious at this prone position to this woman who had clearly lost it, but she couldn't bring herself to pull away.
Clarke pulled a permanent marker from her bag and took the cap off with her teeth. She glanced up at Alicia for permission. Alicia did not offer that consent with any sign of affirmation, but didn't make any move to pull away. There was a tickle on her wrist, but it wasn't until Clarke released her that she had a look at the design.
"A broken infinity sign? What's that supposed to mean then?" Alicia took another look at the symbol and back up at Clarke with growing wariness.
"You tell me."
"How should I know? Some kind of gang thing? Drugs? Cult? You're really starting to-"
"The symbol itself. What's it mean?" Clarke pressed.
Alicia sighed heavily. "Infinity is never-ending, eternal. So people use broken infinity as a reminder of mortality, everything dies, live life to the fullest, blah blah blah. So what is the point of th-"
"But that's not broken infinity, is it?" Clarke put in, pointing out the four connecting dots.
Alicia's brow scrunched as she looked at it. She wanted to ask what that meant, but she had a feeling she should already know. She wasn't sure she wanted to know.
"Don't worry, you'll figure it out. You'll remember," Clarke assured her. She stuffed her marker back in her bag and when she looked up at Alicia again, there was unexpected sadness in her eyes. Her tone was light and playful, but the sadness and longing remained. "You'll remember. I'm sure you'll find me. 'Til then, I've got things to take care of. Trouble's on the horizon. Always that way, isn't it?"
"What do you mean?"
"You'll figure it out." Clarke assured her, maneuvering around her toward the door.
"Wait, are you just going?" Alicia asked in confusion. "I thought you wanted me to find you. You haven't told me anything. How do you expect me to… I…" She shook her head in disbelief, wondering why she was even asking. She had no intention of pursuing this woman.
"You'll find me," Clarke assured her, "but for now, there are a few pressing matters for me to take care of, and you… You've got some dancing to do."
"I don't dance," Alicia declared defiantly. "You're talking nonsense. There's nothing for me to figure out. Nothing to remember. I'm just me." At the same time she spoke the words, she hoped she was wrong.
"It scares you, doesn't it?" Clarke responded sympathetically. "That nagging feeling, that itch. That's the key though. That question 'Is this really me?' You can't just push it aside or it will never go away. You have to answer it. You tell it to shut up." A watery chuckle escaped, but Clarke continued solemnly. "Because the answer is always 'yes'. Whatever you do or don't do, that's you. But with that same thought, you can't force it. Don't try to be any certain thing. It's when you accept yourself that you find yourself… and just how much more there is to you. Because there is more. So much more. You're incredible."
It was said so ardently that, for the first time, Alicia was not surprised when Clarke kissed her. This kiss, too, was different than the others. It was full of longing and sorrow and regret; the short, painful goodbye of a devoted lover.
"How?" Alicia asked, suddenly not wanting to see Clarke leave. "If I'm not supposed to force it, how am I supposed to figure it out?"
"It'll just come. You'll see. The dreams will be more frequent now, more vivid. You dismiss them now as product of a crazy imagination, but you'll come to see the truth. That they're real. It's impossible and fantastic, but you're going to have to keep your mind open to that. Because you are impossible and fantastic."
"And you, too, I suppose?" Alicia could hardly believe it, but she was beginning to tear up herself.
"You better believe it," Clarke chuckled and grinned brightly, but it was quickly subdued.
"Do you have to go?" Alicia asked pathetically. "You could stay just a-"
Something between a sob and a laugh broke through the composed state that Clarke fought to maintain. "Don't tempt me… But we'll see each other again. Hopefully sooner than later."
Alicia could only nod.
"May we meet again," was Clarke's formal goodbye, accompanied by a kiss to the symbol on Alicia's wrist. She turned to go, her farewell given, but Alicia surprised them both by pulling her in for one last kiss.
"Hopefully sooner than later," Alicia repeated.
Alicia stood in that spot long after Clarke had left. Everything that happened, everything Clarke spoke of was just impossible. But she knew the feelings Clarke spoke of, she knew the dreams, could feel the dreams, and could never forget those kisses, that first kiss. Without knowing it, she'd waited her entire life for that kiss, and that intense sensation alone could fuel her for the rest of it. But she wanted more, she wanted Clarke, and she was already determined to find her.