Okay, so if you think that this is way too close to "I Will Not" by The One Called Demetra, well, too bad. I've PMed her and she says it has nothing to do with her story. So, ha! And if you say that this story is boring, well….. IT'S A TIPBOOK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's not really supposed to be very interesting.
Disclaimer#1: I am not Rick Riordan. I AM THE BOOGEY-MAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Disclaimer#2:
ME: Hey, Rick Riordan! Do you have a coin collection? TheRRinmyImagination: (gasp!) Yes, I do! How did you know? ME: Oh, just a lucky guess. TheRRinmyImagination: Oh. ME: Look, Rick, why don't we make a deal. I'll give you a penny from 1944 and you'll sell me ALL the Percy Jackson books. Deal?
TheRRinmyImagination: Okay, deal. Now hand over that penny!
Both of us: YAY!!! I'm the luckiest person in the world!
Note: No offense. I DO respect RR. He even has a place of honor in my Sacred Grove of Polo Shirts. (And I DO have a penny from 1944. I COMPLETELY FrEaKeD when I found out how old it is.)
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I've decided to write a book of tips. Or maybe you'd call it a tipbook? Oh, well. Now you're probably wondering "Why does she want to write a tipbook? Aren't there enough tipbooks out there?"
But, see, most of those tips are awful. I mean, there are tips in those books that would never work. And believe me, I know. I've read them all. Even this one by Meg Cabot, "How to become popular" or something like that. But most of them are atrocious. So that's why I'm writing one. And it will be AMAZING.
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Hannah C. M. Anderson's
Book of Tips
For halfbloods, gods, nymphs, naiads, satyrs, titans, immortal deities,
nerieds, centaurs, confused teenagers, and mortals with or without the Sight.
(THE ULTIMATE TIPBOOK!!!)
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For halfbloods arriving at Camp Half-Blood :
TIP #1 Do NOT annoy Mr. D. Mr. D is a god. The Greek god Dionysus, to be exact. And his temper is really really short. Considering that in his true form you could be reduced to a pile of ashes just by looking at him, it is not a good idea to make him angry. Not a good idea AT ALL.
There. Don't say I didn't tell you.
TIP #2 No, you are not dreaming. Nor are you having optical illusions. Everything you see is real. Unless the Hecate cabin are up to their old tricks again, that is. And if you think you must be crazy, I assure you it has nothing to do with camp. Camp did not make you go crazy. If you are insane, a) you were always crazy, ever since the day you were born. or b) you went mad at some point of time in your life. I assure you that I am 89.82825% sure that your madness has nothing to do with camp. I think.
TIP #3 Greek mythology is real. Cool, huh? Not completely. See, it's not just the good things from mythology that are real, but the bad stuff,too.
I know. Life sucks.
TIP #4 Until you are claimed you will be sent to live in the Hermes cabin. Keep all of your valuables with you at all times, unless you are willing to suffer the consequences. And don't go running off to Chiron. A kid did that once and and the Hermes cabin ended up throwing his stuff into the lake. It goes without saying that none of his things were rescued before they were damaged.
TIP #5 If you are not claimed by your 13th birthday, something is very, very wrong. Go talk to Chiron about it. Maybe it would be best to go to him a day or two before you turn 13, because the council of the gods swore on the River Styx that they would claim ALL the children of ALL the gods. When gods swear on the River Styx and don't keep their promises to mortals, it can go bad. Very, very, very bad.
TIP #6 Do NOT leave the cabin at night. Otherwise you will be eaten by harpies.
You have been warned.
TIP #7 Do not go into the woods alone at night. The reasons are pretty obvious.
TIP #8 Do not suck up to Mr. D. It just annoys him. (And us.)
TIP #9 At dinner you are expected to throw some of your food(preferably the ripest strawberry, the most perfect peach, the juiciest steak,etc.) into the fire. This is considered an offering to your parent (parents, if you're a god/goddess). Do not be afraid. In ancient Greece, children were offered.
TIP #10 There are magical goblets in the dining pavilion. When you speak to them, they fill up with the desired drink. Except alcohol,of course. DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT ask for alcohol. The last kid to do that asked for beer. Instead, hundreds of thousands of multitudes of spiders started to pour out. All of my siblings and I climbed onto the tables and started screaming. All of the Aphrodite girls did that too, even though they didn't have a single reason to do that. And the rest of the campers had to kill spiders until Nico di Angelo, brilliant little genius that he was, created a giant interstice in the marble floor which sort of sucked the spiders in. And that kid… well, we burned some of his stuff as an ''offering'' to the gods. And at the next capture the flag, well…..let's just say he got pretty beaten up. Okay, so we broke twenty-four bones out of two hundred and fifty and we left him bruised and bloody all over. Chiron did a pretty good job healing him, but we couldn't find any kind of medicine to help against his hysterics.
Do not request alcohol.
You have been warned.
If you request alcohol from your goblet, we will kill you. I am completely serious. Why? Because the children of Athena hate having to be afraid of completely insignificant insects who aren't even half as powerful as we are. And because the rest of the kids hate having to kill spiders and listen to us scream.
Again, you have been warned.
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Annabeth is fussing in front of the mirror in our den and she is driving me crazy. I usually wear my blonde hair tied back in a headband and a ponytail. But she's fussing with it, wondering if she should wear it in a ponytail, or half up and half down, or a braid, or a bun, or a french twist,or a chignon…...………..
SOMEBODY GET ME OUT OF THIS TORTURE CHAMBER!!
Ugh, now she's wondering about make-up; she's driving me insane……
April's sitting in an easy chair reading something; apparently Annabeth's fretting isn't bothering her one bit. And April just said "Interesting, I never knew that Rachel was…"
The minute she said that Annabeth became furious. "What did you say? What are you reading?"
"Ummm, the Bible?" April is replying nervously.
"And why, for the love of architecture, are you reading the Bible?" Annabeth's voice's dangerously low. Now, coming from anyone else ''for the love of architecture" sounds really weird, but coming from Annabeth, it's just plain scary.
"Because I'm doing a project to find out about the connections between Christian belief and Greek myth-, I mean, history."
"That Rachel! I bet he lied, I bet he thinks she's prettier than me, I bet he still loves her! He had dreams about her, the stupid…" Annabeth is seething now.
"Annabeth-there-are-young-children-in-this-room!" I whispered.
Aldora, a five-year-old, looked at Annabeth with wide eyes and rushed out of the room. Smart kid.
Annabeth continued. " He had dreams about her!!! I bet he still likes her, still, and is just pretending that he likes me so that he has a girlfriend! Oh, but inside, he wants her. As if I'm not good enough!!! He wants her, 'cause her dad's rich, oh, yes, but she works in art groups, and for charity. And with her he'd have a regular, normal life, a mortal life."
Annabeth's shoulders drooped. " He wouldn't want to live with me." she said quietly. She's calmed down a little bit, but it looks like she's sinking into depression. Nobody ever wants to live with me. I'm a monster magnet, and I'm rude…. What would anyone see in me ?"
I feel sorry for her, sorry that she feels that way. I pity her for a minute. I rarely see my dad, but at least everything works out between us. I act responsibly (I usually do) and he acts as if we're just good friends, and he hasn't seen me in a while. Then he'll start talking about something, like physics or philosophy or something, and I'll see a hellhound, he'll say ''There's a dagger on your desk", I'll rush out, kill the hellhound, and return to the kitchen and he says "Now where were we? Ah, yes, the giant impact theory; why do you think it's not true? I personally think…"
But she's gotten wound up again.
"He memorized HER telephone number! Hers! He's never even asked for mine!!!!"
She's still going on and on. I would tell you what she's saying, but I don't think it would be appropriate for children. So instead I'll write about Andy, one of my half-brothers.
Andy wants to learn a little bit about everything, so he'll study Norse mythology for a week, then astrology, then cooking…. Some people would call him flighty, but he's just focused on lots of different things. He started pottery the summer of "The Battle Of The Labyrinth". Annabeth lost her temper one day and threw a vase that he'd made. Ever since then, he's wisely stuck to pottery. Even though he's moved onto other things, (the history of Louisiana,why Louisiana we will never know, and impressionists) he still makes a vase every week.
Annabeth's still ranting. Uh-oh…. That was the latest vase that Andy made. A shame, that one was my favorite. Oh, she's going on and on… "Stupid bitch, she's a boyfriend stealer! That's one of the unwritten rules, never steal anyone else's boyfriend! And their hair looks awful together! I mean, red and black? HELLO!?!?!?!"
I could use that "unwritten rule" in the boyfriends section; but then it would be an unwritten rule…..
Oh no. That was another vase that Andy made. He worked on it for hours.
Annabeth is mumbling to herself about finding a voo-doo doll. I'd better go help calm her down. If she gets to the Hecate cabin, I don't think we'll have an Oracle this time next year.
Annabeth has calmed down, but she's still worried about her makeup. Percy's coming by in fifteen minutes; she'll have to hurry. She wants help.
My left hand is raising itself against its (and my) will. Oh no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. This voice is coming out of my throat. "I will", it's saying. Is that my voice?? Is that really my voice? But I hate makeup!!!
I helped Annabeth with her makeup. And her hair. And I'm still alive. Wow. Hallelujah!!!! I told her to put her hair up in a half up-do (half up, half down), and when her hands trembled I did it for her. I told her to wear neutral colors for makeup and helped her. And when Percy came we sent her out the door!
I'm going to bed now.
Annabeth arrived at ten o'clock tonight and I helped her out of her coat. She was smiling and giggling.
Annabeth did not stop giggling all night and, since I'm the only light sleeper in cabin six, I was kept up all night. I was ready to put her in a sack and toss her into the ocean and say, "How do you like sailing now?"
It's time for breakfast. I told April to make sure my face didn't fall into my oatmeal.
Yes, I eat oatmeal!
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Ok, so this didn't work out perfectly…… I guess I was pretty hyper while writing this.
As for why I have disappeared of the face of the earth for the last few weeks, I was on Klassenfahrt and then I wasn't allowed to use this wonderful computer. (a German kind of class trip; hmmmm, I guess that's why it's called a KLASSENFAHRT, where I worked like crazy and got absolutely NO RESPECT for helping!!!! )
I'm currently trying to translate this into German which isn't easy, considering that my German is pathetic. As for Ally, I won't delete her, I'll just, ah, let's say….. postpone her story until I become a much better author.
Thanks to all my friends out there; you know who you are!!! 8D - DatoIm (da as in fat, toi as in toy, not as in French for you when you are the ...Object?, m as in the letter M)
Review and give me tips!!!!!! - Yours Truly,
DatoIm
(funny pun, pun-ish thing to say, considering the title)