Title: Unfaithful
Pairing: Clow/Yuuko, Yuuko/Watanuki
Warnings: spoilers for recent chapters, I guess.
Disclaimer: I don't own xxxHOLiC or TRC. CLAMP does.
Watanuki looks too much like Clow. Too much.
She notices it the moment she first laid eyes on him, in that pocket dimension, when laws were broken—when time was turned back. Clow was still alive then, waiting for the right moment to travel to the desert country, to fill up a void space. Right there and then she felt—knew—that hitsuzen was playing a dirty trick on them.
"He will take care of you after I've gone," Clow whispers to her on their last night together. She doesn't know what hurts more: the fact that he's leaving, or the thought that he arranges for someone else to be by her side.
He kisses her forehead, and she inhales his scent for one last time.
"He's a good child," he says, stroking her cheek. "Maru and Moro will love him. Larg will love him...You will love him."
She closes her eyes and remembers how she shielded that child from that evil man, how she covered his ears to block the harsh words out. She doesn't want him to experience pain so early in his unnatural life. Not yet, she thinks, not yet…
Yuuko falls asleep in Clow's arms, and forgets about the future, just for a short while. She then dreams of cherry trees and shadows and blood, and sees Clow on his death bed, but hears a young male voice calling her name.
Yuuko-san…
She wakes up with a cry, and finds the bed already empty.
~*~
He comes to her with determination in his stride and a wish in his heart. She regards him with a cold demeanor, feeling the last vestiges of Clow's magic radiate from him.
"I asked my father to send me here…" he says, blue eyes glinting; Clow's smile suddenly flashes through her mind, and a dull ache permeates her heart. Yuuko looks away and inhales her opium.
"You have a wish."
He holds his words in for a moment, measuring it, perhaps, but utters it anyway.
"I want to…I want to help that person…the one who is close to me…more than anybody else."
"You must pay a heavy price."
The boy looks her in the eye, giving her his silent answer. She stands up and moves towards him, her clothes and hair swaying as she does so.
"Your price will be your memories," she tells him, and studies him for a short while. When he doesn't speak, she continues.
"You will forget everything—your home, your parents, your life. You will not remember them, even this transaction, even this wish."
He takes a deep breath and nods. She steps back a little, and lifts up her hand, her magic circle appearing underneath their feet. She proceeds with his wish, barely hearing his words:
"I think I saw you…in a dream…you…you told me…not to listen…"
He loses consciousness then, and falls. She catches him before he hits the floor and cradles his head on her lap. She thinks of the possibilities, of the arrangements, of his new life in this world until he comes to her shop and meets her again.
She touches his face, lightly, and glances at the glowing orb in her hand. He will be chased by spirits everywhere; will unconsciously try to kill himself.
Yuuko looks at his sleeping face and then averts her gaze after a moment, suddenly realizing her one wish.
~*~
He spends time at the shop more often, and she watches him change day by day. He opens his eyes and mind to the world around him, and keeps the things he learns deep in his heart.
She finds herself smiling more each day, as if nothing is amiss. She laughs as he chases Mokona and the girls around, and sees that he is enjoying himself, amidst the yells he habitually throws at them. He shifts his attention to her, and suddenly grabs the bottle of sake that she's holding.
"YOU'VE HAD ENOUGH LIQUOR TO LAST YOU A LIFETIME!!!"
She snickers inwardly about this particular comment, and resists the urge to tell him that no, lifetimes don't apply to her. She's done with the life and stuck with time. It doesn't fit. It doesn't suit.
She pokes him in the nose and orders him to make a special dessert. He flails and protests and flails again, and marches off to the kitchen to cook.
Yuuko loves the fact that he does her every bidding, no matter how much he complains about it. She loves how he takes care of the children and Mokona, how carefully he prepares her food, how meticulously he cleans the shop, how he keeps her company….
"Yuuko-san, is something wrong?" Watanuki asks, laying the tea in front of her. She shakes her head. He smiles, and runs off to the kitchen again; he thinks he smelled something burning.
She watches him go, her gaze lingering on his profile. Clow's words come back to her, his voice reverberating in her head, etching deep into her soul.
You will love him.
Yuuko pours tea unto the cup, and stares at the brown liquid. Her feelings are the only gifts she can bestow upon anyone, yet she feels hesitant, ashamed. She never wanted to betray Clow's memory. Not now, not ever.
He saw the ripples of fate spread out upon different worlds, saw the future, saw this. He knew what her feelings would be and told her, but she didn't listen. His efforts to spare her the guilt were futile, and she knows that he still tried, because he doesn't want this for her, doesn't want this for them.
She sets the turmoil in her mind down, not intending to delve into it for now. There are still much to do—much, much more.
Watanuki finally comes out of the kitchen, dessert in hand. He cleans the mess in the shop afterwards, and she lets him off for the day. He bades her goodbye, and she discerns an empty feeling in her chest after he leaves. The voice in her head returns, with more intensity than before, and she accepts, and regrets, her defeat.
You will love him.
I will.
I do.
I'm sorry.
~*~
The dream is ending, and her halted time has begun to move once again. This is finality, she thinks, this is the end.
She sees him standing in front of her, reaching out for her. She tells him she's leaving; that she died all those years ago. He cries then, not understanding why.
He feels pain, so much pain, and this is what she wanted to protect him from, but can't. She's done everything in her power to make sure that he lives. It's all up to him now, to anchor himself to reality, to live his life, to move on with the future, his future.
Watanuki asks for her wish again, like he did when they were in a dream. She tells him, and hopes that this time, he accepts it. It was her fate to die. It's his fate to live.
"You are…very precious to me," she tells him. And he is, because he was there for her, because he understood her, because he will grant her wish. She's always wanted to be in this moment, to finally move on. She loved Clow first, loved him longer, loved him deeper…but that doesn't mean she loved Watanuki any less.
She will always love them. The both of them.
The shadows of time and space engulf her bit by bit; Yuuko feels them tighten around her as they diminish her false existence. Strange as it is, she finds comfort in this torture. The constricting bind assures her of repose, of the peace she longed for. The tendrils start to crawl up to her face, and she slowly disappears amidst the darkness.
The last thing she sees, just before she leaves the world of the living, is Watanuki's cheerless smile.
~*~
She didn't expect the afterlife to be like this: all trees and fields and light. She looks up at the cherry tree she is standing under, and then up to the clear sky. She then looks out to the vast grasslands and wonders if there's something beyond this world's horizon. There will be a lot of time to explore, she thinks. She has an eternity to do so.
"Hello, dearest."
She turns, and sees Clow smiling at her, just like always. She smiles back, a soft, fragile smile, and goes to him. He opens his arms and pulls her in an embrace.
"I…" She says, unable to continue; she buries her face in his shoulder instead, trying to control the unexpected wave of emotions she's currently feeling. He soothes her then, holds her tighter, strokes her hair. She sighs.
"The dream has ended," he whispers, and continues to caress her locks.
"Yes…" she answers, her voice muffled. She still can't say much; she isn't quite used to this world, to this feeling.
Clow kisses the top of her head, and murmurs, "You were supposed to have this, a long time ago…" He sighs, and kisses her head again. "I'm sorry."
She looks up at him then, and gazes into his eyes. She finds nothing there except for dreams, and hope, and love. He's never really changed, after all.
"I've hurt you both," she admits. He smiles and pulls her back in, his hold a bit tighter than before. She knows he understands her. Always have, always will. "This makes us even, then," he jokes, and they both laugh, not quite shattering the everlasting silence.
They remained quiet for a while, listening to the grass as it dances to the soft breeze.
"He promised to wait for you," he muses, and rests his chin atop her head. She is reminded of Watanuki again, but the grief and the misery and pain are slowly fading away; and she feels nothing but contentment and peace settle in. She shifts in his arms and tries to read his expression. He chuckles then, and sways her lightly. She wraps her arms around his neck and leans to kiss his forehead.
"Will you come back to him?" he asks, smile unwavering.
She considers the question for a moment, and smiles softly. "Will you let me?"
He laughs, and cups her cheek. "Only if you take me with you, dearest," he says. Yuuko grins to herself and holds him close, searching for a hint of bitterness in his voice, but finds none.
This serenity is the only one she'll ever know, the only one that'll last. She half wonders if it'll be shattered by the wake of Watanuki's promise, but knows that all he ever wanted was her happiness, and will wait for an eternity, just to let her have it.
After all, she thinks, it is only in this stillness—of her heart and her soul---that she finds the truth that she never, ever, really had to choose between the two of them.
A/N: Yay! Finally finished this! Reviews will be very much appreciated, and so is constructive criticism, but no flames please! 3