I'm Ready...

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Chapter One – Last Night In This Place

Chapter Song – All the World I Tell Myself (Correatown)

Bella POV

It's my last night in Arizona …. I don't know if I will ever come back. How fast life can change, how fast you can hate a place you once loved so much….a place that has been your home for 16 years. A place you once felt at peace and safe. I used to raise my head to the sunlight and smile, now I lock myself in my room during the daylight hours not wanting to see any of them. I couldn't take the chance of any of them finding out I was home; I was back in secret and leaving the same way.

The moon has become my sun for the last week. Hiding in the dark is much easier; hiding the shame, and hurt I feel living in this city is much more comfortable in the shadows.

I used to be popular…I used to love school….I used to have two best friends, a boyfriend, and plans for my future. I've hardly slept for a week; it does not come easily to me here in this once familiar but now foreign place. It's as if I am living in my very own nightmare.

It really is amazing how fast things change; I used to have all of those things now all I have is a black hole filled with despair, anger, hurt and worst of all; loss. "He" stole from me. "He" brain washed my best friends, my boyfriend; and "he" got away with it.

I try to remember how I used to feel before that night, that girl has quickly faded away. The loss had taken over. Worst part about this entire thing is I came out looking like a junkie; my best friends and boyfriend turned their back on me; believing him over me. When I had realized what"he" was doing to me... "Grooming me" ... well to put it simply I was too late. I dream but I don't know what is real or not "he" made sure to cover all his tracks. Make me forget certain things, and made sure I remembered the worst of things.

The lack of sleep has to do with where I am. I slept fine while I was in rehab. Not in the beginning; but that was a long time ago. It's this place, it's dark to me now; what once was safe and comforting, is not the case anymore. I cannot wait to leave. This isn't the person I am. I have worked so hard to move past all this. But this place; I can literally feel it sucking the life out of me.

I thought I knew who I was. I thought I knew who they were. I thought I was a good judge of character. I was fooled, but then again I wasn't the only one. Hell they still believe him over me; she believed him over me; even my dad did for a minute. How could I have been so wrong? It only takes one decision that can change everything about yourself and the life you once new. That night changed me completely. I was so stupid, so naive. I was the honour roll student, the cheerleader, dating the jock. Life was "perfect"…..so naïve.

I'm leaving this "perfect" life, in fact because of that night so is my family. None of us can stay and it's all because of my choices. My mom Rene and step dad Phil are re-locating to Jacksonville. Mom says she wants nothing more than for me to come with them for a "fresh new start" but in all honestly I think she is relieved. Every time she looks at me she see's everything she lost. Her picture perfect family in a private gated golf community is gone. They have shunned her and Phil just as they had shunned me. They believe I am just a drug addict making up stories; too high to recognize truth from lies. I guess it makes sense to some degree had I not made the choices I did and followed my gut maybe none of this would have happened.

Rich kids with access to money, drugs, and alcohol. Fathers away on business with their secretaries. Wives having affairs with their twenty year old golf instructors and pool boys. Yeah I ruined her "picture perfect life". I seriously doubt her head was that far up her own ass. She seen what she wanted to see; believed them over her own daughter. Or cared more about the image then what I had been put through. My mom left my dad when I was 8; she had come to visit her best friend from College who lived in Phoenix that is where she met Phil. My mom never wanted to settle down in a small town, she craved the snobbery and all things that came with gated communities and country clubs. Cue Phil. Don't get me wrong I love my step dad; he believed me; he knew who I was. And he really does love my mom even though they got together in a way that broke my dad's heart.

I started realizing how fake these people were about three years ago. But I kept it to myself I never spoke about any of the things I seen or heard. I was playing along with everyone else. Trying to have the "picture perfect" life too. That was shattered a year ago.

I'm going to live with my dad Charlie in Forks Washington. After everything happened he wanted me out of this city and safe with him. But my mom insisted I stay and face the music, like I had done something wrong, like I had asked for it. She insisted that this would all blow over and life would go back to normal in no time, once I did rehab. They fought a lot over me. My dad could not believe she was on their side. She claimed she wasn't but that I was always one for dramatics. How quickly she realized things were not going to go back to normal; especially when my counsellor told her Phoenix was not the place for me and I was better off going home to Forks with my dad. That was what I wanted; and she needed to allow me to do what I felt was best for me. That after everything I had been through, I was no longer a child. Rene had to let me go; I was never going to be what she wanted me to be; especially now.

The funny thing is I never told a single person involved in my life exactly what happened to me that night or the months leading up to it. Accept for the obvious that was reported to both my parents when I was hospitalized; for an overdose. Only the people in my group and my counsellor know what actually happened to me and what I went through. Everyone was so quick to just point the finger at me; no one ever even asked. Just another rich kid hospitalized for an over dose; guilty before proven innocent. There were pictures and other people's words. All of which were prominently displayed on the internet. They needed someone to blame so they could all go back to their warped worlds. I was so out of it I didn't even get a chance before I was whisked off to rehab in California.

I knew my dad never stopped loving my mom, I saw it vanish the day I was questioned at the Phoenix police department. The day my mother, turned her back on me. I couldn't stand the way she looked at me anymore; she was making me feel guilty for something I did not do, I was a victim; not the sick, twisted freak who…..well I'm not going there yet. I can talk about it now I just haven't done so to anyone outside of rehab. They were my people, the ones who got me, knew where I was coming from; understood the darkness; because everyone there had a story; some worse than mine.

My dad and I have always been close. My parents divorced when I was eight that's when my mom moved us to Arizona to live with Phil. But Charlie called every Sunday and he would come to visit me every few months, I spent every summer with him until the age of twelve; when my grandma Swan died. I just couldn't go back there after her death. It hurt too much. My grandmother was the best person I had ever met; she was my favourite person; I don't think I've loved any one person more. She was always so encouraging and warm and just home to me. I was her only grandchild so we were very close when I was growing up. Her death was the first I had experienced I felt like my heart shattered the day my dad gave me the awful news.

Going back to Forks now was the right thing to do. After hours upon days that turned into months and then a year of counselling helped me realize that Forks was my safe place now. It is what's comfortable and familiar and holds my most cherished moments. Grandma Swan wasn't the only one I left behind there; my second family was there too. But holding onto them was remembering her; again far too painful. So Charlie had started to come and visit me, or we would go on a vacation somewhere together. He has always understood and respected my feelings, he never pushed me to come to Forks he knew I would when I was ready. I haven't set foot in Forks since I was 12. And Now I cannot wait to get back.

I really don't know how I would have gotten through this without my dad; and Esme. They tried so hard to clear my name, and have justice brought to those he knew were the guilty ones. Being the police chief in Forks he called in every favour he had in Phoenix but it was useless. Money talks and these people had a lot of it. Not to mention he had executed his plan so perfectly; there were no mistakes. At least that anyone had found.

I just wanted it to be over. I needed out of the place that was literally sucking the life from me. I cannot sleep here; I cannot function here. It's all just a bad memory. I realize now it is this place. I could sleep when I was away the last year; the memories and nightmares came flooding back my first night here; flashing across the back of my eyes; so I know it's this place; it's all of them, it's Rene, and the rest of the eyes that stare and mouths that whisper behind hands. I need to find the rest of me. I need to find Bella. I need to embrace the person I was before and the person I am now and ensure that I am someone my Gram would be proud of. That I can be proud of.

So Forks is where I am going now. It rains there a lot but I look forward to the rain; I look forward to the cleanse that comes with it. I look forward to the small rainy town, surrounded by trees and ocean, the diner, fishing with my dad, Esme, Alice, Carlisle even Emmett. Walking by Grandma Swan's house; taking in the smell of the ocean that isn't too far away and the sounds of the trees rustling in the wind. The quiet nights, the fresh air, my dad, my family, my home.

No one from Forks knows details of what happened to me in Phoenix. My dad and Esme know some things, but have never heard my story. I get to find the rest of myself; I get to find Bella again. I will never again be naïve Isabella Swan again. I get to just be Bella, the fighter, the survivor. Fighting to be and find the person I was before Grandma Swan died and mixing her with the survivor I am today. Fighting to be the kind of person she would be proud of and surviving anything else life throws my way. Be and find my true self; the one I changed to be accepted by all these people in Phoenix. To be accepted by Rene. Well everyone accept Leigh, Jake and James; but I now realize they clearly didn't know me the way I thought they did otherwise they would not have turned on me like they have done.

No one needs to know just how broken and lost I feel sometimes. I do a pretty good job at hiding it on the days it is overwhelming. But I want to feel real again. I want to feel whole. I want to feel love. I want to feel everything; nothing numbed with drugs. I want to believe that night happened for a reason, as horrible as it was perhaps it was my saving grace. I now know what he was doing the month leading up to that last day. I want to be able to look in the mirror and smile, and be proud of the person looking back at me. Don't get me wrong I can look into a mirror now. I have come a long way from 9 months ago. I'm not broken anymore. There are still cracks but I fill them more and more every day.

Five more hours and I can get out of this place for good my dad will be here in the morning. Everything I need is packed and in the truck. He's flying out and were driving my new 2011 Lincoln Navigator that's fully loaded and a totally un-necessary gift from Phil. I think it's his way of apologizing for Rene's lack of support through all of this. My old car was fine and I would have taken my mother's support and love over any vehicle. But Phil did his best. I knew that even my dad did. I insisted he take it back but he wouldn't hear of it; claiming the winter is bad in Washington and he wanted to ensure my safety. It's a little late for that if you ask me. 18 months ago that would have made me the happiest person alive. I could care less about the truck.

But it is at night I sometimes feel like myself again I remove the layers. The silent moments on my own; looking at the moon excited for what kind of life I am going to have now. With this move I truly am hoping for something better. Something real. The scars on my arm are covered with the words "Aut viam inveniam aut faciam" old Latin for "If I can't find a way; I'll make one". It is what I lived by in rehab and will continue to do outside of it, because that is what I am meant to do; to find and make a way to be my true self. To embrace the things I love and the people I know without out doubt want that very same thing for me.

I want to trust, laugh, cry, fight, apologize, and just be me; not what I am expected to be from others because of where I live. I want to continue the road of healing my true self and actually find out how much more I can be. After everything I have realized I was never cut out for this life in Phoenix and I could never be Bella full time. I have to continue to find a way to live with the past, learn from it, and not cut people out if they get to close, or be concerned that everyone is out to get me. I have to talk about it; I know I have to tell my dad and Esme what actually happened.

As much as rehab was a total nightmare in the beginning the counselling and group therapy really helped. My mom and dad only came to see me once; after I was there for 6 months. I chose that I needed to get through this on my own, and in my own time. I still spoke to my dad and Esme every week. I would call my mom about every other and the conversations were short and polite. I just cannot care anymore; she chose a side; I've learned to live with her decision. I channel my grief, loss, anger, and resentment, whatever I am feeling into my music. That is my therapy. I even stayed in rehab longer to help with new patients, group sessions, I continued my school work through correspondence; and continued writing out all that I had in me into songs; I just couldn't leave until I knew I was ready; and I am ready now.

I can share my story through words and art whether they are mine or not. And it is with all of this that I will not be afraid anymore. I am going to put myself out there; and just be me. I look forward to it. When I think of Forks I smile; I have a good feeling about this next chapter in my life. I am going to re-build those relationships that were so important to me. I will beg for forgiveness if it is necessary. I am looking forward to a new beginning and although the past's doors are not totally closed; the door will continue to stay open until justice is served. But it will not stop me from moving forward not on because I will never be able to leave behind what happened to me it is a part of me now. But I can move forward from it. Filling myself with love instead of hurt. Trust instead of fear. Knowledge instead of naivety. I will fill my life with joy, music, forgiveness, never forgetting my past.

I'm not afraid, I'm ready; I just hope Forks is ready for me.