Cascade
A/N: This is Ivanonva's perspective during 'Rising Star', while a scene like this wasn't shown in the episode I felt that it had to be written.
Disclaimer: I do not own Babylon 5 or any of its associated characters. If I did Marcus would have lived.
It was at an hour that she didn't care to know when she poured herself a glass of wine as she sat on the couch in her quarters, her feet curled beneath her as her left hand cradled the glass.
She knew that it wouldn't be that easy; wine had never been a facilitator of ease, particularly when coloured such a dark shade of crimson.
She took a sip of the wine and swallowed it past the tightness in her throat; she wondered what would happen if she took a larger sip.
Probably nothing reasonable, she thought.
She pursed her lips slightly before she spoke to the computer console; "Computer, begin personal log entry."
The beep was so short that she almost didn't hear it, it was there one instant and then gone the next; the brief lifetime of a falling star.
She sipped the wine again and let it bubble on her tongue for a moment before she spoke.
"Commander's personal log... Marcus Cole died today," the words slapped her across the face; she hadn't said them since she had refused to accept them as tangible reality.
She set her glass of wine on the table in front of her and tucked her robe around her body tightly as she continued speaking:
"He died to save my life," she chuckled for a moment, "Guess that damn chivalry of his just couldn't..," her throat tightened a little more. Her lungs felt hot. She leaned forward in her seat slightly before folding her hands in front of her.
"He always had chivalry, more than I've known of in a lot of men."
She sipped the wine again, her fingers tingled slightly.
"He could be so damn annoying but... there was something... intriguing I suppose about a man who could be such a pain in the ass and yet so charming."
Something inside her cracked, burning and bleeding as she felt her eyes water; composure was a luxury for her nowadays.
"He also had a way with words, he could convey so much with so little."
A little sob broke through her facade and a tear tumbled down her cheek. She wanted nothing more at that moment than to have Marcus there in front of her and for him to reach his hand out to her and tell her it would be alright.
But that was the stuff of dreams and lately she'd only had nightmares.
"It's strange," she continued, "Not having him around, not seeing him, not... being near him," she wiped another tear from her cheek, "It's as if there's this... void where he once was, but nothing can ever fill it."
The tears flowed freely then and the sobs followed as her head fell into her hands and composure abandoned her entirely, "Why did you have to do it Marcus," she whispered between soft sobs, "There must have been another way."
Her hands trembled as she brushed a few tears away from her face and reached for her wine, which she had difficulty swallowing. The glass quivered between her fingers as she spoke again:
"And he loved me, he absolutely loved me and I never acknowledged it. Of course there was that damn voice in the back of my mind that said that there was something there but I just... I just refused to act on it."
She ran a hand through her dishevelled hair as another choked sob escaped her.
"And now he's gone."
She swirled the remaining wine in her glass and watched it curve against the glass, thick and dark like blood.
"It's the worst kind of damn irony, the kind that you read about in Shakespeare," she swallowed the last of her wine and set the empty glass on the table.
"Except that stuff was fictional," she said in a hushed whisper.
The lights in her quarters were dim as she settled her hand against the edge of the couch.
She would rather have been reaching for Marcus' hand.
"I wish that I could have him back... even for... a moment, then I could tell him that... I loved him too," she made another hopeless chuckle; "He'd probably make some sort of witty response in that British accent of his."
The tears started falling again then and she couldn't stop them, they fell like a river down her face and she just let them.
Reasoning was beyond her grasp now.
There had always been something reassuring about having Marcus by her side to support her and the comforting ambiance that his wit created.
She had never considered the repercussions that would fall in his absence. It was as if he had been a source of strength for her and the knowledge that he would be there as that support kept her standing on that bridge of the White Star during the war.
The aftermath of his death had cascaded through them all like a wave, now she felt as if her legs were shattered and she had no crutches to keep her up.
His life force may have been transferred into her, but she felt as if in his death a part of her had died as well.
She looked back up at the computer console, which blinked in the process of recording.
To hell with records, she thought, there's no need for a record of this.
"Computer, delete log entry."
She didn't listen for a response as she leaned back on the couch, her shoulders cushioned by the soft fabric. It didn't ease any of her pain.
Her eyes drifted over to the empty glass on the table, a vacant crystal chalice of possibility.
She didn't stand up to get another glass of wine; she couldn't find the strength to.
She didn't know if she ever would again.
Fin
Yes, I do ship Ivanova and Marcus and I really wish that they had gotten together on the show :( But...they didn't.
Anyways, please review and tell me what you think :)