The Zombies Come Out at Night

by frostyfreezyfreeze54

The kids are in the fight of their lives against the living dead when a zombie invasion threatens to destroy Seattle, along with the entire West Coast.

1. The Zombies Come Out at Night Script

Thank You, Heavenly

Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day

SEASON 5

EPISODE 10

Airdate: October 30, 2016

"The Zombies Come Out at Night"

#TYH510

SCENE 1

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

On a rainy night in Seattle, the kids are all watching the news together.

REPORTER: And finally, police are on the lookout for a large group of zombies that have made their way from British Columbia and continue infecting civilians here in the Seattle area. Authorities say they are unarmed, but extremely dangerous. In other news, the Seahawks are going to be out of town this weekend when they visit the New Orleans Saints.

RK: Should we get tickets for that?

BUSTER: How are you guys not freaking out about this? Did you not hear what the man said? There's a zombie invasion on the way. The apocalypse is within reach!

WADE: Buster, you can't always fall for sensationalist reporting every single time. That guy's just exaggerating.

JAYLYNN: Yeah, every year, it's something different with these idiots. Last year was a tornado, the year before was HIV. We're all going to die anyway. I don't need the media to tell me that.

BUSTER: But he sounds serious. These zombies are going to wipe out everybody in Seattle and pretty soon, we're all going to be just like them.

SPARKY: Ah, Buster, the news is just trying to scare you. I bet these zombies are friendly and peaceful.

BUSTER: What? Since when have zombies been anything like how you described them?

SPARKY: I don't know, I'm just being optimistic.

RK: Look, sir, sir, I'm calling about the tickets. I just want to speak to your supervisor. No, don't put me on hold. I said, don't put me on hold before I climb up into the phone line, come out on the other side, and kick your stupid ass for not doing your damn job! GAH!

RK tosses his phone on the floor.

WADE: You know, there's a way to talk to these guys, RK.

RK: I don't care! That's the only way you can talk to these guys. I'm done with customer service. All these assholes do is give you the runaround and pretend they don't hear you when you talk.

CUTAWAY GAG

RK is on the phone with customer service.

SUPPORT: Would you like to speak to a representative?

RK: Yes, I told you that already.

Beat.

SUPPORT: I'm sorry. I didn't hear that. Would you like to speak to a representative, yes or no?

RK: What did I just say to you? Yes, I want to speak to a freaking representative!

Beat.

SUPPORT: I'm sorry, I still didn't get that. Try again. Would you like to speak to a representative?

RK: For the last time...YES, MOTHERF***ER, YES!

Beat.

SUPPORT: We're sorry, but your call can't be completed at this time. Goodbye.

END OF CUTAWAY

SCENE 2

iCarly Elementary School

Exterior Entrance

Seattle, Washington

The guys enter the school but Sparky begins scratching his head.

SPARKY: That's weird. Hey, guys, don't kids usually start coming to school right about now?

RK: Maybe we're the early birds.

JAYLYNN: We can't be early. He just said that this is when kids usually start coming.

RK: Well, maybe they just changed the start time and we don't know about it. I'm serious, Jaylynn, when the zombies start eating everyone, I hope they cook your ass first.

BUSTER: Hey, hey. That kind of attitude is not going to stop the invasion from happening. If we're going to save ourselves, we need to stick together.

WADE: Buster, for the last time, there's no impending zombie apocalypse. It was probably just some juvenile news report that guy was paid obscene amounts of cash to read.

BUSTER: Oh yeah? Well, smart guy, you might be interested in knowing that in Vancouver, kids and the elderly were the ones who were in danger of becoming zombies the most. But nobody protected them, and now they're part of the gang.

WADE: Until I see zombies here in Seattle, I'm not buying what the media's selling.

JAYLYNN: Me either.

BUSTER: Okay then. You guys can stay unprepared, but I have my ace in the hole already.

SPARKY: What is it?

BUSTER: A while back, I read a newspaper article that said within the next year and a half, we would be hit with the worst zombie invasion in over half a century. That's why I went to the store and got myself some of this.

Buster shows off a bottle containing a mysterious green liquid.

RK: You bought the green Hawaiian Punch?

BUSTER: What? No. This is Zom-B-Gone. Known all over the world as the most powerful zombie repellent ever made. You just drink it, and you're automatically invincible to anything those zombies throw at you. It's foolproof.

WADE: How can it be foolproof if you're using it for the very first time?

BUSTER: Ah, Wade. Sweet, sweet, always getting into trouble Wade. Have some faith. I would share this with you guys, but this is the only one and you might steal it away from me so you're out of luck.

WADE: I don't want or need it.

BUSTER: Good. We're on the same page.

RK: Hey Sparky, I think you're right. There's nobody in these halls.

JAYLYNN: And the classroom's empty. No teacher, no kids. What the hell is this? Is everyone just trying to avoid us?

BUSTER: I think it might have something to do with the prank RK and I pulled at the assembly two weeks ago.

RK: It's not our fault. Those cupcakes were supposed to explode when we said the codephrase. Just bad technology is all.

WADE: Guys, this is really disturbing. I can hear my echo.

SPARKY: And there's no line at the water fountain!

JAYLYNN: Oh my God. It gets worse!

BOYS: What? What?

JAYLYNN: I can't find my hat! I just had it on my head five seconds ago!

RK: Um, Jaylynn, you're holding it.

Beat.

JAYLYNN: Oh. Right, I was fixing my hair. Boy, who's the idiot girl that just embarrassed herself, huh? Let's get her.

BUSTER: Coincidence? I think not. Those zombies are getting closer and closer by the minute.

WADE: Will you give it a rest? This has nothing to do with zombies. There was no school today. We probably forgot, case closed.

RK: I don't know about that, Wade. When it comes to no school, I'm always the first in line to start dancing and say "F*** all y'alls, I'll see you the day after tomorrow."

SPARKY: Maybe he's right. That's the only reasonable explanation. Let's just go home. We can hang out with each other later.

The guys shrug and all of them leave the school. At that moment, a zombie version of Sanna pops out of the school's garbage can and eyes the kids as they start walking home.

SANNA: Must...eat...brains. Must...get them...to fill out...survey.

The zombie Sanna ends up tripping over the steps and falls in the bush nearby.

SCENE 3

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

KG is polishing his assault rifle when RK walks in.

RK: Hey KG. Cool gun. Let's take it out for a test drive!

KG: Easy there, little bro. This is a big man's gun, and only big men can carry it around.

RK: But you're only 14.

KG: I'm bigger than you. That should at least count for something. I'm shining this up real nice for the zombies. Those sons a bitches think they're going to come get me. Well, they'll get something alright. They're getting shots to the dome!

RK: You really believe in the zombie invasion? I thought that was just a myth like Twinkies surviving nuclear explosions. I mean, they're tasty, but I'm pretty sure they're no match for a meltdown at the power plant.

KG: Of course it's real, man. These zombies are going to give us everything they've got. Which is why I'm going to bust some heads the minute they try creeping at the door. Use your gun. I'm pretty sure you can get some shots off.

RK: Forget it. There's no way my nine is going to outlast a group of flesh-eating, mutated, diseased freaks.

KG: How about you use two nines?

Beat.

RK: You son of a bitch, that's genius! Okay, when the zombies come here, I need to have a badass line set up. How about this one? "I'm sorry, you undead weirdos, but I'm gonna make sure you stay dead!"

KG: Eh, it's not epic enough.

RK: I feel like everything I do just gets worse and worse.

SCENE 4

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

That night, Sparky is watching TV.

REPORTER: Latest news on the impending zombie invasion.

SPARKY: Wait. Impending?!

REPORTER: That's right, Sparky, impending. And as we all know, impending means that something is imminent, which in itself means that something is coming very, very soon. The horde of zombies have all made their way to Seattle, and have broken up into several different groups. One of them is called "Night of the Living Unfed," but due to copyright concerns from George A. Romero, the name probably won't last for much longer.

SPARKY: I can't believe this! I have to warn the others!

Buster bursts in at that moment with his Zom-B-Gone.

BUSTER: Sparky, I know you saw the report and I know you know that the end is near. So that's why I've decided to share my Zom-B-Gone with you.

SPARKY: Oh, Buster, I don't want you to waste your toy on me. I'll be fine.

BUSTER: A toy? Sparky, I'll have you know that the lead singer of My Chemical Romance once endorsed this drink. He said it's America's last defense against a zombie holocaust.

SPARKY: You don't remember his name?

BUSTER: Why would I?

Sparky and Buster hear a loud crash outside. They look through the window and see that a group of zombies is attacking Sparky's neighbor and dragging him out of his home.

MAN: NO, PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE! I HAVE A DENTIST'S APPOINTMENT TOMORROW!

BUSTER: You know, sometimes, it's not fun when you're right. I know you might think otherwise, but it hurts inside.

SPARKY: Well, at least we still have the news to reassure us.

REPORTER: This just in, a dangerous zombie alliance has entered the studio and they're causing a ruckus! They're slobbering all over innocent bodies! This is anarchy! The carnage is overwhelming! Someone needs to get help! The reinforcements are here! Somebody's gotta do something! Wait, no, it's the zombies! No, get away from the cameraman! NO, DON'T DO IT!

The zombies knock over the camera and begin assaulting the cameraman.

REPORTER: OH, COME ON! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU GUYS?! SOMEONE GET SOME HELP OUT HERE, TAKE THE SAFETY OFF YOUR GUNS FOR GOD'S SAKE! HELP THESE PEOPLE! Oh no, stay back. Get the hell away from me, you idiots! THAT'S IT, I'M OUT OF HERE! I'M NOT WITH THIS SHIT! WHO DO THEY THINK I AM STAYING HERE, ERIN BURNETT?! Please get away, GAAAAHHHHH...

The screen goes into static and then a "Please Stand By" message is shown as "Keep Ya Head Up" by 2Pac plays in the background. Sparky and Buster look dumbfounded.

BUSTER: They ate the news guys!

SPARKY: We have to get the others before...

Sparky's front door is busted open and the zombies begin walking inside.

SPARKY AND BUSTER: AAAAAHHHH!

ZOMBIES: Do you want to speak to an agent? Press five now.

BUSTER: Oh no. They're speaking in riddles. They've evolved!

SPARKY: Let's sneak out through the back!

Sparky and Buster run through the kitchen and out the back door. They make it to the front of the house and get inside Sparky's car.

SPARKY: Come on! Start, damn you, start!

BUSTER: They're banging on the door! That's so impolite. Just ask us to open you up.

Sparky and Buster are able to drive off while the zombies follow the car.

SCENE 5

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

RK and KG are just about finishing off the group of zombies that have attacked their home. Sparky and the rest of the kids run inside.

SPARKY: Are you guys okay?

RK: Pfft, more okay than a...than a rich guy sleeping on...someone help me out with this.

WADE: You know, Buster, it takes a big man to admit when he's wrong.

BUSTER: What did I ever do to you?

WADE: No, I'm just saying, I should have listened to you about the zombie invasion.

BUSTER: Oh, okay. I ain't mad at cha. At least now, we're all here together.

JAYLYNN: Where's Anja?

RK: Probably one of the zombies now. She's dead, man.

JAYLYNN: What?

WADE: Yeah, she most likely is. I mean, who else did you think was going to die first?

RK: With the way things are going, I still think Jaylynn's going to kick it off for the rest of us.

JAYLYNN: Shut the f*** up, man. Now I have to deal with the fact that my best friend is a mindless zombie.

SPARKY: Wait. If Anja's a zombie, then that means everybody we know and love are zombies too!

BUSTER: We don't really know that many people.

SPARKY: Really? So people like Adriana, Anna, Sanna, Ashley, Gilcania, they mean nothing to you?

BUSTER: Of course they do. But we're gonna have to move on if we have any chance of surviving this.

SPARKY: OH NO, HALLEY GOT CAUGHT TOO!

BUSTER: Not exactly the response I was hoping for.

At that point, more zombies start coming through the door in an attempt to capture the kids.

BUSTER: Stay back! We're armed!

KG: You're damn right we are. Reload, brother!

RK reloads his guns and he starts shooting at the zombies with KG next to him. However, they suddenly run out of ammunition as they begin clearing house.

KG: Oh no. Guys, we're snack food now. We have no more gun juice.

JAYLYNN: ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! WE'RE SO SCREWED!

BUSTER: Don't worry, guys. I still have my Zom-B-Gone. Available in five different flavors at your local Wal-Mart.

Buster winks at the camera and there is an awkward silence for a few seconds.

WADE: Buster, why are you looking at the wall like that?

Some more zombies come through the front door. The camera cuts to outside the Jennings house where more zombies are in a line stretching all the way to the end of the block.

JAYLYNN: HOW MANY OF THESE MOTHERF***ERS ARE THERE?!

RK: Okay, the screaming? It has to stop, kay? Kay. All we need to do is handle it the way they would back in the day: With a good old-fashioned rumble. Let's give 'em the rough stuff, kiddies.

BUSTER: Enough of that old-school nonsense. The Zom-B-Gone is the key. The cheesecake, if you will.

WADE: The cheesecake?

BUSTER: I enjoy cheesecake.

SPARKY: THEY'RE GOING TO KILL US, WE HAVE TO DO SOMETHING!

BUSTER: Alright, guys, stand back. Once I drink this, I'll be more unstoppable than you can ever imagine.

Buster opens the bottle of Zom-B-Gone and begins drinking but one of the zombies panic and tosses the bottle at the wall, cracking it upon impact.

BUSTER: THEY'RE ON TO US! LET'S KICK THEIR CANDY ASSES!

The kids begin brawling with the zombies but are quickly overpowered and Buster ends up being thrown through the coffee table.

RK: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, MY COFFEE TABLE! THAT WAS A CONVERSATION PIECE, YOU DICKS!

RK runs away from the scene.

SPARKY: What the hell are you doing?

RK: There's too many of them! No more combat! We have to go on the run!

KG: He has the right idea! Let's get out of here before they...GAAAAAHHHH!

RK: KG!

KG is killed by the zombies and becomes one himself.

KG: To get you to the right agent, I need more information.

RK: What?

SPARKY: LET'S GO NOW!

The kids leave as fast as they can through the back and bulldoze their way through the zombie line on the way to RK's car. They all get inside, but not before Buster's leg is caught by one of the zombies, who is revealed to be Lynne.

SPARKY: Lynne?

JAYLYNN: Oh, hell no. RK, where's the pocket knife you keep in the glove compartment?

RK: Right here.

RK tosses Jaylynn the pocket knife, she steps out of the car nonchalantly and then viciously stabs zombie Lynne to death.

BUSTER: Damn, Jaylynn. Thanks for saving my life.

JAYLYNN: This was my only chance to kill Lynne. I wasn't going to waste it.

RK: Come on, let's go!

The kids all step in the car and RK speeds off as the zombies stand around confused.

KG: Did they fill out the survey?

SCENE 6

RK's car is now in the middle of nowhere as it passes by a nearby tumbleweed.

RK: Jaylynn? How did you know where my pocket knife was?

JAYLYNN: You once showed me your glove compartment and for some unknown reason, decided to tell me that you keep your pocket knife in there.

RK: Oh yeah, you're right. I did show you where I put it. We were...*chuckles*...we were about to have some problems, Jaylynn. I can tell you that.

BUSTER: Where are we? Texas?

WADE: No, we're in Roswell, New Mexico.

BUSTER: See, that makes even less sense than what I just said.

SPARKY: Yeah, where are we anyway?

RK: Honestly, I don't know. We left Seattle centuries ago.

BUSTER: Of all the times to go off the grid and we choose Halloween time.

SPARKY: I mean, we're not running away from anything. We just need to escape the zombie apocalypse. Then we can go back home and everything will go back to normal.

RK: Yeah, I don't think that's going to work out.

JAYLYNN: Why not? RK, we have to go back to Seattle eventually.

RK: Guys, at this point, Seattle is a wasteland. The zombies have taken over and they're just going to eat everyone in sight. They're probably in our houses right now enjoying pictures of us in the bathtub or some shit. By the time we get back, we won't be able to save anybody. I couldn't even save my own brother.

WADE: He has a point. Saving ourselves is all we can do in this situation. We should just cut our losses, go somewhere else and figure out what to do later.

BUSTER: What if somebody's after us? We have to stay under the radar.

SPARKY: Eh, we're not that special. If we die, we die.

BUSTER: Well, is there a bathroom somewhere here in nowhere land? I really need to go and gather my thoughts.

JAYLYNN: There's a truck stop diner straight up ahead.

RK sees the truck stop diner and gulps in fear.

RK: Are you sure you want to use the bathroom here, Buster? You've seen movies. These places are full of motorcycle gangs that kick your ass for looking at them sideways.

BUSTER: I could always go in here. All I need is a shopping bag and...

RK: Hey, while we're here, let's grab a bite to eat.

SCENE 7

Peeping Tom's Diner

Interior Booth

RK and Jaylynn are at the booth while Sparky and Wade are at the bar sitting on stools.

SPARKY: Thanks for the free soda, Annie.

ANNIE: Sure thing, Sparky.

WADE: We haven't been here that long and you're already on a first-name basis with her?

SPARKY: Oh, I've known Annie for a while. I drive up here sometimes on the weekends.

WADE: Since when?

SPARKY: Since the day I decided that I can have a life outside of you guys.

The scene cuts to RK and Jaylynn at the booth.

RK: Okay, according to the menu, this place got its namesake because on Tuesday nights, it turns into a strip club. Well, it looks like our next road trip is set.

JAYLYNN: Where's the food? I'm about as hungry as those zombies right about now.

RK: You can't rush good cooking, Jaylynn. You know, I have to say, I had my doubts about this place, but I can tell they run a tight ship around here.

Buster walks back to the booth.

BUSTER: Guys, if you're going to the bathroom and you, um...see a guy near there that asks if you want to see his special friend, don't say yes.

JAYLYNN: Why not?

BUSTER: Because, Jaylynn, if you say yes, you're going to start questioning everything you've ever done in life.

The scene cuts back to Sparky and Wade.

WADE: So does Halley know about this place?

SPARKY: Of course she does. One time, she came here on Tuesday night. Kids eat free that night. For some reason, she didn't want to tell me anything else that happened.

VOICEOVER: And finally, a horde of ravenous zombies are on the lookout for five missing school-aged children. Four white, one African-American. The following police sketch will give you an indication of what they might look like.

The police sketch is a drawing of the quadruplets from Nicky, Ricky, Dicky, and Dawn and their friend Mae.

WADE: That looks nothing like us.

SPARKY: Of course it doesn't, Jaylynn's only half-white. Wait a minute. That sketch represents us! The zombies are coming!

WADE: We have to evacuate the premises!

The scene cuts to Buster, RK, and Jaylynn.

BUSTER: And so that's when I said, "Put a sock in it." And that's why you never hear Tim complaining about the weather.

RK: Who the hell is Tim?

BUSTER: I dunno.

WADE: Guys, we have to go! The zombies are after us!

SPARKY: They put out a news bulletin and everything!

JAYLYNN: I was actually starting to like this place.

RK: Me too. The waitress actually asked me to call her when I'm legal. I can't wait to be a grown-up.

SPARKY: So when Wade and I say that a bunch of savages want to eat our brains and take away our existence, what do you hear?

BUSTER: They hear nothing, Sparky. They can't understand the struggle. Wait, what did you guys just say about the babka?

WADE: WE HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE FOR GOD'S SAKE!

SCENE 8

Peeping Tom's Diner

Exterior Entrance

Seattle, Washington

RK drives off and there's an awkward silence for a few seconds.

JAYLYNN: You know, if Anja was here and she saw all of that, she would probably threaten to smack someone.

RK: I don't know what you see in Anja anyway. It's like, take away her personality and what do you got?

JAYLYNN: You know, if you have a crush on me, just say so.

RK: Oh, look, another episode of RK Feeds Jaylynn's Ego. Oh, wait, I have to change the channel because I'm not watching!

SPARKY: WILL YOU GUYS SHUT UP?! JUST SHUT UP FOR ONCE IN YOUR DAMN LIFE!

Beat.

SPARKY: I'm sorry, it's just been a really stressful night.

BUSTER: What are we going to do now? The town wants us, we have nowhere to go, and I finished all the Doritos!

In response, the kids start screaming.

RK: Wait a minute. Is that a barn?

WADE: RK, I'm pretty sure you're just looking at a mirage.

RK: No, it's a barn. I know I had the pancakes at the diner and they were a little off, but I knows what I'm looking ats!

JAYLYNN: Hey, maybe we can go there and hide until the zombies stop chasing us!

BUSTER: And then what? We need a plan.

RK: Well, I was thinking about this at the diner. It might be a little drastic, but I think that we should go for it: We need to get to New York.

The kids groan at RK's suggestion.

SPARKY: Come on, man.

RK: Look, I'm not crazy about it either, but we'll be safe in New York. What's the one major city that always manages to avoid the apocalypse? New York City. We can move there and start new lives.

WADE: RK, we're not leaving Seattle to go someplace that's not even one hundred percent secure. New York's not our home.

RK: In case you guys haven't been keeping up with current events, there's a ravenous group of zombies who took away our home, want to make love to our internal organs and turn us into flesh-eating, drooling robots. I don't think we have a choice.

SPARKY: You know, we could always go somewhere else. Like Nashville.

RK: We're not going to go live with Cimorelli!

Beat.

SPARKY: We're gonna have to meet them at some point.

RK: NOT TODAY!

BUSTER: I think RK's right. If we really want to get away from the zombies, we have to go somewhere where they'll never find us. I mean, New York's got like, two gazillion people. We'll fit right in.

SPARKY: Well, I guess it couldn't hurt to give it a shot.

RK: Great. Now let's check out that barn.

RK parks in front of the barn.

SPARKY: If there are any talking animals, I'm sleeping in the car tonight.

The kids go inside the barn and see nothing but a bunch of hay covering the walls.

WADE: Well, it looks like this is an old abandoned barn. Judging from the foundation, it seems like this place has been around for years.

RK: See, guys, do I know how to pick 'em or what? You know what, that's got me thinking. When we get to New York, I'm picking the apartment.

JAYLYNN: Before we start planning our future, let's just stay here for the night and see if those zombies leave us alone. If they find us, we're gonna have to keep driving.

BUSTER: Well, yeah. We're only staying for the night. Crap, we're going to have our very first slumber party in God knows how long and I forgot my pajamas. I just bought this Captain America set from Amazon. Would have blown your minds.

SPARKY: Time to get comfy, everybody. The good news is we found a safe place to stay.

Sparky starts resting on some of the hay.

SPARKY: Wow, this hay is so warm and inviting. I just hope I can get to sleep before...

Sparky immediately falls asleep.

RK: Sparky has the right idea. Let's all get some hay.

The kids all proceed to get their own hay to rest on.

BUSTER: Hey Jaylynn?

JAYLYNN: Yeah?

BUSTER: What are you gonna be for Halloween?

JAYLYNN: Alive.

BUSTER: I don't really know that character. You shouldn't be anything that most people aren't gonna get.

Jaylynn sighs.

JAYLYNN: Alright, I'm about to catch some shut eye. If anyone tries taking my hay while I'm asleep, I'll kill you.

RK: Hey, I would rather get possessed by those zombie freaks than die at your hands. Would be the biggest L I ever took.

WADE: Well, good night, everybody.

BUSTER, RK, AND JAYLYNN: Good night.

The remaining four kids all go to sleep.

SCENE 9

Exterior Barn Entrance

11:54 PM PST

The zombies approach the barn and repeat "Customer Service" like a chant, walking slowly towards it. A zombie-possessed version of Halley looks at RK's car and identifies it.

HALLEY: DIAL ANY KEY TO CONTINUE!

The zombie versions of Ashley and Anna are alerted towards the car.

HALLEY: DIAL ANY KEY TO CONTINUE!

The girls all take a look at the car and use a crowbar nearby to break the mirrors, along with the windows, shattering all four of them. The remaining zombies, consisting of various characters, start shouting and trying to tear the barn's door off its hinges. Sparky begins tossing and turning.

SPARKY: No, man. Look, Buster, I don't know the theme song to My Life as a Teenage Robot. I never watched that show. GAH, WHAT WAS THAT?!

Sparky wakes up and hears the zombies outside, along with the rest of the kids.

RK: Holy shit, this is a big one!

JAYLYNN: Buster, you know what could come in handy? That Zom-B-Gone you have on you!

BUSTER: I'm sorry, are you trying to mock my pain right now? I DON'T HAVE IT ANYMORE, JAYLYNN!

JAYLYNN: Oh yeah, you don't. I kinda zoned out a little bit when we were at the house, my bad.

WADE: They want a fight?! LET'S GIVE THEM A FIGHT!

("Calling All the Monsters" by China Anne McCain playing in the background)

The zombies finally tear the doors off their hinges and are immediately met by the attacking Testicular Sound Express. The kids engage in a brawl with the zombies as they try to kill as many as possible. At one point, RK tears the leg off from one of the zombies, snaps his neck, and starts staring at the leg.

RK: Well, you only live once.

RK shrugs and starts eating the leg.

RK: Holy shit, this tastes like a frigging beef rib!

WADE: RK!

RK: I mean, let's kill these fun boys dead!

The fight continues as Jaylynn tries rushing to the car for safety, and then opens the glove compartment of the car to retrieve the pocket knife. Jaylynn runs back with the knife and begins screaming as she cuts off the heads of several zombies, including Anja.

JAYLYNN: I'm sorry, buddy. I love you.

Jaylynn then starts crying as she begins to kill more zombies with the knife. Out of nowhere, more zombies start appearing and it becomes even more of a one-sided fight than before. Out of nowhere, Buster grabs a lighter from his pocket, uses it one of the zombie's hair, and it leads to a chain reaction resulting in the entire area covered in fire, burning the barn and several of the zombies. RK and Buster get in the car and begin driving off while there is an inexplicable explosion of the barn.

BUSTER: Wait a minute. Where are the others?

RK: They were just with...oh no. They couldn't have become zombies too!

RK momentarily parks the car and him and Buster step out to witness the remaining zombies slowly approach them, with Sparky, Wade, and Jaylynn at the front.

BUSTER: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

SPARKY: To speak to a representative at any time, press five now.

RK: What?

BUSTER: Let's go!

RK and Buster dive inside the car and RK speeds off while Buster tosses a bunch of marbles out the car. The zombies end up slipping on them and fall over, being momentarily subdued while "Let It Roll" plays in the background.

SCENE 10

San Francisco International Airport

Exterior Entrance

San Mateo County, California

Buster is sleeping in the passenger's seat when RK taps him awake.

RK: Hey there, sleepy head. Rise and shine. It's a new day.

BUSTER: Oh, what is it now?

RK: This is it right here, Buster. This is where we start our new lives.

BUSTER: I don't want to start our new lives without our friends! They're mindless zombies now and we're going to have to find a way to save them.

RK: Buster, it's too late for them. Remember, the name of the game is self-preservation.

BUSTER: I guess. But where in the world are we?

RK: We're in beautiful San Francisco. Well, not exactly San Francisco, but we're close to it.

BUSTER: Wait a minute.

Buster looks around and notices a bunch of different airplanes.

BUSTER: The airport? Why are we at an airport near San Francisco?

RK: Because, Buster, this is where we begin our journey to freedom. Last night was a close call, but we have a chance to get to New York yet.

BUSTER: By hitchhiking? That's the number one to be traumatized for life by a grown-up!

RK: No, you waterhead. We go inside the airport, score some plane tickets, book a flight, and get on the next trip to New York City. Then we'll be able to start our new lives.

BUSTER: This whole thing is absolutely ridiculous.

RK: Well, let's weigh our options. We can stay here, where we'll be unprotected from any incoming zombie attacks, or we can go to New York, a place that will turn us into big-time celebrities.

BUSTER: New York's not going to turn us into celebrities.

RK: Hey, that's what you think. Eli Manning has two Super Bowl rings, but let him play for another team and no one ever talks about it.

BUSTER: Okay, let's just get on the flight now. I wanna forget what happened last night as soon as possible.

RK: That's the spirit. Let me just empty out my car. This is the last time I'll ever see the old girl.

RK gets out of the car and opens his trunk. He takes out a duffel bag and starts packing a sledgehammer, a baseball bat, a 64-pack of American cheese, three rolls of Scotch tape, and a copy of Justin Bieber's Believe album.

RK: Ugh. My secret shame.

RK shakes his head and zips up his duffel bag.

RK: Alright, Buster, let's get out of here. Next stop: The Big Apple.

SCENE 11

San Francisco International Airport

Interior Terminal

San Mateo County, California

Buster and RK are waiting for the time to board their flight as they sit down and watch TV.

REPORTER: And in local news, authorities are looking into a zombie invasion that has rocked the West Coast for the past two weeks. San Francisco may be in danger of these monsters coming in and terrorizing residents, but at the moment, there's no potential threat.

RK: How about that? We're getting out just as soon as these zombies destroy this beautiful city. If gentrification couldn't do it, this is the next best thing.

BUSTER: I miss Sparky.

Buster starts crying.

BUSTER: My best friend is a zombie!

RK: Buddy, it's going to be okay. How do you think I feel? My best friend's a zombie too. And Jaylynn. Poor Jaylynn. I know I'm always busting her chops, but she's like family. Great, now I'm getting emotional. You know what? We have to promise something to each other.

BUSTER: What?

RK: When we get to New York, we live our lives in their name. We make them proud. We show them that we made it, and maybe one day, after the zombie invasion is over, we can see them again.

BUSTER: That's beautiful. Let's do it.

RK: We're going to be kings out there, my boy. You'll see.

Static is heard through the airport loudspeaker.

VOICEOVER: Attention airport customers. Unfortunately, due to fog and an investigation into the zombie invasion, all planes heading from San Francisco have been grounded until further notice. Thank you once again for choosing San Francisco International.

The customers start booing and groaning.

BUSTER: Please, like we wanted to come to this airport. Pfft, choosing it.

RK: Well, ain't this about a...

MAN: Excuse me. I couldn't help but notice that you two had a plane to catch.

RK and Buster turn around and look up at a middle-aged white man with glasses.

BUSTER: Yeah. We were going to go to New York City and become kings.

RK: But there's fog out there, not to mention the news people lying about the zombies not being a threat. So it looks like we'll be stuck here forever.

MAN: You don't have to be. You could stay with me for the time being. Give you a nice place, a hot meal. Get you out of those clothes.

BUSTER: Well, we definitely could use some freshening up.

RK: Wait a minute, I watch TV 24/7. I know what you're doing, old man. This is the old "get yourself a piece of two little kids" story. I bet you don't have a wife or kids. Forget it, I'm not rolling with a pervert.

BUSTER: Pardon me for one second, sir. *whispers to RK* What are you doing, man? This guy's being nice and trying to help us.

RK: Yeah, right. He's trying to help himself. Help himself to some Caucasian booty. Look, if there's one thing my parents taught me, it's stranger danger. RK Jennings isn't down with pedophiles.

MAN: I know what you're thinking and I'm not a sex offender. Look, just because I like to open up my home to children, take care of them when they have no place to go, and spend a considerable amount of time with them, doesn't make me a pedophile.

BUSTER: Makes perfect sense to me.

RK: Dude, did someone knock you silly with a baseball bat? This guy's a sicko waiting to happen.

BUSTER: Look, RK, I watch the news too. I know what they say about these people. But his language isn't "I want to touch you." It's "I would like to wine and dine you before all that." As long as we get out in a few hours, we'll be fine.

RK: Alright, alright, let's go with him. But dude, I'm warning you. Any funny business and I'll be out faster than you can say pineapple upside down cake. You got me?

MAN: Sure thing. My name's Clifford Jenkins. My friends like to call me Cliff.

RK: Ryan Kennedy Jennings. My friends like to call me RK.

BUSTER: Buster Newman. My friends like to call me Buster.

RK gives Buster an annoyed look.

SCENE 12

The Jenkins Household

Interior Living Room

San Francisco, California

RK and Buster walk into Cliff's house and notice his trophy case.

BUSTER: Whoa. Look at all that gold.

RK: I know, and most of them are actually for something other than participation!

CLIFF: Yeah, it's quite something, isn't it? I was actually a star football player back in the day. You know the USC Trojans?

RK: Yeah, what about them?

CLIFF: Well, I was part of some of those national championship teams. 1972 and 1974.

BUSTER: You're a two-time national champion?!

RK: No way.

CLIFF: Indeed, I am. I was even friends with O.J. Simpson. Misunderstood guy. Well, why don't you get comfortable? I can make you a snack.

RK and Buster follow Cliff into the kitchen.

BUSTER: Wait, I don't get it. If you were such a great player, what about the NFL? They didn't take you because you were white or something?

CLIFF: No, I was actually taken in the first round of the 1975 draft by the New Orleans Saints. But in the third game of the season, I blew my knee out and I never got back to the level I was at before. By the end of the season, I had to retire and find a new job. I was devastated.

RK: Sorry to hear that, Cliff.

CLIFF: It's okay, boys. I'm happier than I've ever been before. Now how are those sandwiches?

RK: Well, they're something else. Thanks for not leaving out the honey mustard.

BUSTER: What did you put in mine, Grey Poupon?

CLIFF: Sure did. That's probably the best mustard around. You know what? I'm going to go take my shower.

BUSTER: Actually, Cliff, could I use the bathroom first? I haven't went since I was in the barn.

RK: Ewww.

CLIFF: Oh yeah, sure thing. It's down the hall to your right.

BUSTER: Thanks.

On the way to the bathroom, Buster takes another bite of his sandwich, shrugs, and takes the sandwich with him. He pauses as he ends up opening the door to his left and finds that the entire room is covered in newspaper clippings talking about Cliff, alongside photos of kids that Cliff has murdered.

BUSTER: What the hell is all this?

Buster goes to the desk and starts reading one of the newspaper articles.

BUSTER: This one's dated a year ago. "Clifford Jenkins, widely known for various psychological issues and the violent murders of numerous children since 2001, has once again violated his parole after inviting two young girls to his house. He gave them dinner, then cut their heads off while they were asleep and disposed of the bodies by tossing them in McCovey Cove near AT&T Park, keeping the murder weapon for his fetish. He will now serve nine months in federal prison."

A visibly disturbed Buster takes the article, puts it in his pocket, slowly closes the door, and walks back to the kitchen.

BUSTER: I'm done, Cliff.

CLIFF: Alright, I bet I'll use the bubble bath today. Why not? It's my house.

Cliff runs towards the bathroom while Buster looks frozen in fear.

RK: Buster, you don't look too good. Is it the Grey Poupon?

Buster hands RK the newspaper article and he begins reading it.

RK: Okay, we need to get the f*** out of here.

BUSTER: Yeah.

SCENE 13

San Francisco International Airport

Interior Terminal

San Mateo County, California

Buster and RK walk to the front desk.

RK: Well, if there's one thing we've learned today, it's that this world is full of freaks. Sick, twisted, mentally ill freaks.

BUSTER: Don't those words all mean the same thing?

RK: They do. Check out the big brain on Buster. Okay, that idiot may have made us miss our flight, but we can always catch the next one.

BUSTER: Pardon me, desk lady, when's the next flight to New York?

DESK LADY: Oh, all of the flights are grounded due to the zombie invasion.

BUSTER AND RK: WHAT?!

DESK LADY: Yes. In fact, they should be arriving here by 8PM. It's one of their last stops in taking over the West Coast.

RK: Oh no. They found us. They must have followed your people pheromones or something! BUSTER, WE'RE DONEZO!

BUSTER: No freaking way we're donezo. There's still one more trick I have up my sleeve. In fact, it's the one thing we need to save our lives.

Cut to Buster and RK at Wal-Mart, looking at the empty shelves that would have stocked bottles of Zom-B-Gone.

BUSTER: IT'S ALL GONE?!

CUSTOMER: Oh yeah, they sold out like hot cakes once the news came out with the update. I just hope you boys are ready when the invasion hits.

The customer leaves Buster and RK by themselves in the aisle.

BUSTER: Okay, now we're donezo.

SCENE 14

AT&T Park

San Francisco, California

Buster and RK are sitting right near home plate at the ballpark of the San Francisco Giants. Buster is surfing the web on his phone.

RK: Buster, this is terrible. Our escape plan is useless, the only person we know in this city is a serial killer and we're not even protected. But worst of all, everybody we know is a zombie and they're coming for us. It's over.

BUSTER: Wait, RK, are you saying that we should end it all? You know, just do the job ourselves?

RK: What? No, I'm not killing myself. If I'm gonna die, I'd rather someone have the balls to take me out. But what's the point? By tonight, we're going to be mindless zombies just like everyone else.

BUSTER: Well, I actually decided to do some research about this whole invasion, and I even found out where it originated.

RK: Really? Where?

BUSTER: Well, it all started with some tech support guy who worked in Indianapolis. He went to Vancouver on vacation, and it was there that he got in a car accident with a truck containing gallons of toxic radiation. The stuff went into his car and he became a zombie within minutes. After a week, he infected 97 people alone.

RK: So what? This guy's coming to San Francisco too?

BUSTER: Maybe. If we find him and kill him, we can bring everyone else back to life and end the invasion.

RK: Which means we can bring our friends back!

BUSTER: Exactly. So let's stop these zombies from coming here and everything will go back to normal.

RK: Alright. Buster, it's time we show what we're made of. Let's do this!

RK takes out a small book from his pocket and begins writing in it.

BUSTER: What are you doing?

RK: Oh, I'm writing in my journal about the zombie war. I've poured my heart and soul onto these pages. Check it out.

Buster shrugs and flips through some of the pages.

BUSTER: "December 13, 2011. One day, I'm going to walk up to Lucy Hale, smack her in the face, and yell at her until she cries for making 'Run This Town.'" Really?

RK: Hey, don't judge me! 2011 was my awkward stage.

BUSTER: And this is...

SCENE 15

That night, RK and Buster drive through the Golden Gate Bridge and are met with a sign that says "You Are Now Leaving San Francisco. This Must Be How New York Giants Fans Felt." RK continues driving until he sees the zombies from squinting his eyes.

RK: They're here. Just like I suspected.

BUSTER: You knew exactly what time they were going to show up?

RK: No, I just wanted to sound like a badass. Now all we need to do is find that original zombie, and end this invasion.

BUSTER: Okay, how do we start?

RK: Well, my man, that's pretty simple. We split up and cover both sides of our opponent...ah, there's no plan. WE'RE GETTING HARDCORE WITH IT!

RK goes 90 miles an hour as Buster screams and they end up running over several zombies while on the highway. RK passes Buster the baseball bat as RK smiles while holding the sledgehammer, and they both emerge from the car by climbing up to the hood and standing atop it.

RK: It's on, bitches.

("Thriller" by Michael Jackson plays in the background)

Buster and RK begin going after the zombies with their weapons and the fight is on. At one point, some of the zombies forget who their opponent is and begin assaulting each other. Despite numerous attempts by the zombies, RK and Buster manage to avoid getting bitten. At one point, RK climbs the car, and performs a double moonsault while killing two zombies with the sledgehammer. Buster kills a straight line of zombies with the baseball bat while screaming "ZOM-B-GONE!" He is then met by Zombie Sparky.

BUSTER: No, I can't kill my best friend! It'll ruin everything!

SPARKY: Would you like to speak to a representative?

BUSTER: I guess giving you a broken leg couldn't hurt.

Buster smashes Sparky's legs with the baseball bat and continues going after the other zombies. Meanwhile, RK begins to feel overwhelmed and ends up bumping into the original zombie.

RK: Wait a minute. RK reads the zombie's name tag. Tomas Greenberg, Dell Technical Support. Buster, I got him! I got the guy! Okay, Mr. Greenberg, I'm sorry it had to come to this, but unfortunately, it looks like RK Jennings is here to rise to the occasion and...

RK's eyes widen when he realizes that Jaylynn has bitten him.

RK: Of course, I had to talk too long.

RK immediately transforms into a zombie.

RK: Main menu. For billing inquiries or to make a payment, press one.

BUSTER: RK, NOOOOO! Say good night and goodbye, Greenberg!

Buster screams as he rushes towards Greenberg, but RK jumps in the air, spears him, and bites him alongside several other zombies. Now a zombie, Buster then starts performing the dance from the "Thriller" video and leads the other zombies into dancing towards San Francisco as they march to the city. Vincent Price's laugh can be heard as the camera slowly zooms out from the zombies. Fade to black.

In loving memory of Rod Temperton. 1949-2016.

("Mind Playing Tricks on Me" by the Geto Boys playing in the end credits)