Sam (my current favorite on Glee well along side of Puck but in this instance Pucks character is not the type needed to fulfill my inspiration; I needed a sweet and naive type not brash, forthright, and arrogant [BTW this is not a crossover]) is kind of a prop in my crackbrained idea. Just an FYI in case you didn't catch it the Sam in the Fanfic is not the Sam from LWD but the Sam Evans from GLEE. For the purpose of this fanifc we will pretend that he has never preformed with New Directions nor has he ever been to Lima High.
Disclaimer: Now on to the relevant issue of not having any affiliation to Life with Derek or Chord Overstreet aka Sam Evans or Taylor Swifts "That's the Way I loved You" or The Teddy Bears "To know him is to love him" and sadly if asked I would have to take down my amazing fic which finally stopped the demented little bunny in my head from torturing me and interfering with homework! ; .)
Enough babbling on with the trainwreck!
"Hi Sam." I smiled quickly at my boyfriend who was opening his car door for me. I slide into his car distracted by an intense war of poke. No way was I allowing him to win after the humiliation and ridicule I faced the last time I conceded defeat.
He decided to post a photo I thought was destroyed years ago and I had to endure days of laughing and many many jokes about my braces. Including but not limited to the always hated brace face, metal mouth, and tinsel teeth all of which were posted on my Facebook wall when I logged in everyday for a week … most of them were from him and the rest were from his minions. He was going down!
I knew exactly what I would do to retaliate… ahh the smell of sweet revenge so close I can almost taste it… I don't care what anyone says revenge is not best served cold it is best piping hot and fresh… like soup … of course I have a plan! I kept it as an insurance policy; that's right I am planning on posting the lyrics to the love song he wrote and sang to a girl way back in High School on his Facebook wall it's in his own hand writing, therefore irrefutable. I know I'm an evil genius - insert evil cackle here.
I faintly heard Sams' "Hi baby" as he prepared to start the car, "You look beautiful tonight." I was to busy concentrating on beating that nincompoop into the ground to give a proper greeting!
…and I feel perfectly fine…
Except with Sam rambling on about some comic book or the Na'vi or something I began thinking about the phone call I received last night.
"I really think this could be the one!"
"She's nothing like all of the rest, not that she isn't beautiful, because she definitely is, but she is also intelligent, ambitious, and volunteers at a women's shelter in her spare time. "
"She's not someone I would ever think he would like and he is not someone I would believe she would want… but apparently they are very happy."
"They tease each other constantly, he calls her his keener and she calls him a Neanderthal, it is very endearing and quite entertaining… I wouldn't be surprised if there is a proposal before the New Year!" she happily gushed.
After that one sided conversation I thought I was going to be sick; especially since the relationship she just described sounded disgustingly similar to another relationship he maintained with a very different girl and the fact that she did not see this made the whole situation even more revolting.
I kept repeating to myself that mine and Sams' was equally as wonderful if not more so than theirs because theirs was trying to replace another relationship. And even if he managed to convince himself that he loved her one day it would all fall apart because she would eventually see it, eventually understand, eventually become uncomfortable around them, and eventually grow to hate them both. While mine and Sams relationship has no disease, nothing which would fester, and spread, and eventually have to be eradicated in order for the two members to live.
Or at least that is what I keep telling myself.
Sam is the complete opposite of him except he too is a hockey player, a very good one and he is the founder of Helping Hands a foundation dedicated to providing proactive programs for at risk youth and empowering them through knowledge and life skills. Sam is the perfect gentlemen he respects my space, never makes me wait and calls exactly when he says he will. He's close to my Mother she actually calls him to invite us to dinner instead of me because I am" to busy studying in the library to answer". Honestly that may hold a grain of truth but only because I am extremely focused on finishing my PhD. in Psychology, but she acts as if she doesn't speak with me at least once a day!
"Casey" did you hear me? I brought champagne for us. Would you like a glass?" I blinked and came out of my fog and made eye contact with Sam, his beautiful green eyes filled with questions. "Case did you want some?" He asked holding up the bottle and giving me his most enigmatic smile. He's charming and endearing and I'm comfortable.
I glanced around startled to realize we were both seated Indian style on a blanket in the middle of the soccer stadium where Sams' favorite team plays with candles all surrounding the blanket. There was soft music playing on the speakers "Why can't she see? How blind can she be? Someday she'll see
that she was meant just for me, oh oh yeah" I looked around and I didn't even remember getting out of the car or arriving at the stadium.
"Oh I'm sorry!" I quickly came up with an excuse.
"I …. I just finished writing the last ten pages on my thesis… which I am quite worried about because I have to defend it in front of experts! I have applied to several research institutions as well as universities as a professor… all pending of course that I actually graduate… and honestly I am quite nervous and totally exhausted Sam." I say quickly trying to fit everything I was thinking into a two second conversation piece while trying to not sound as if I was making up a lie on the spot. What? Making up lies … that is hard work!
I quickly break eye contact and look away hoping he didn't see the blush I can feel heating my neck and said "Perhaps you have something with caffeine instead of alcohol?"
The first excuse was quite acceptable and I decided to continue with it in hopes that the simpler the lie the more likely I would remember. I certainly did not want any alcohol which might loosen my tongue and tell him exactly what was on my mind- which is something I definitely did not want to happen because he had no idea about that part of my past- no one did well except Rosie and Rob- it was part of a blood oath to never be brought up.
"I just do not want to become slouched due to lack of proper sleeping habits and the irresponsible consumption of alcohol when in the wrong frame of mind, because in case you didn't know your mood can affect how quickly alcohol is absorbed into the blood stream." I tried to give him my brightest smile hoping that he would accept my explanation without question.
Of course he did, he always dose because he can't see the smile I'm faking…and my hearts not breaking…and I feel perfectly fine…but I miss… screaming and the teasing and the fighting in the rain and its 2 am and I'm cursing your name so in love that I acted insane and that's the way I loved him…
Ahh perfect I thought as I tilted the bottle of Chardonnay up to my lips and gulped it down. No glass needed not sweet but not dry all while packing a delicious punch.
It's just me, the wine, bubbles, scaldingly hot yet perfectly tempered water, and of course the genre of music perfect for my emotional state … man hating music. Thank goodness for Pandora and the ability to catalogue and organize music by creating stations for every mood or genre or both.
Normally I do not condone the excessive usage of alcohol but tonight the offer of sweet oblivion is to overwhelmingly essential to pass up. After what I did I needed the sweet oblivion, I craved the sweet oblivion, I was feeling to many emotions - not the good ones like love, happiness and anticipation, but the ones like fear, sadness, and disgust… with myself.
I am contemplating my acquiescence and questioning my judgment. I know Sam loves me, and I love Sam but am I in love with Sam?
The same questions and thoughts keep swirling around in my mind.
Should I have said yes? Is it morally questionable to have said yes and not allow Sam the chance to find someone who could both love him and be in love with him? Is it selfish to allow him to marry me, even though my heart has been gone for a long long time, long before I even realized it happened, because I am fearful of growing old by myself?
I mean I am twenty-eight years old and want to settle down, get married, and have children. But for so long … to long I have put relationships on the back burner. Most people believe it is because of my "Keener" status but I keep a fiercely guarded secret and it is because of this secret that I didn't feel it was fair to be unable to give my future potential unknown husband half of my heart.
But with the conversation I had the other evening playing loudly in my head I decided to take a running leap off the ledge I had been so careful to avoid for the past ten years.
I said yes.
To Sam he proposed.
Tonight at the stadium.
In big letters on the scoreboard.
A slow but crippling fear of growing old alone was beginning to occupy space in my mind after witnessing all of my friends fall in love and marry. Even he recently jumped on the bandwagon falling in love with Angelina.
It's nice to no longer worry about growing old alone. Because I had this horrible vision of myself being an elderly lady with five or six cats that dotted on her niece and nephews, all of which made fun of her behind her back. The thought of growing old with Sam is somewhat pleasant and I know my marriage with him will be that very comfortable but even after all of these years I still miss the fighting, the teasing, and the overwhelming passion for life and for the other person.
What is he going to think? What would it be like with him? No! That is in the past. He has moved on and so have you.
That type of circular thinking is not pragmatic it will never happen and should never have happened.
The picture of a little nine year old boy forms in my mind with mischievous blue eyes and uncontrollable reddish brown hair…
But as I bring the bottle up for another big gulp I spot the huge gaudy diamond now sitting on my left hand ring finger and as I caress the unfamiliar texture I can't help but feel trapped.
I am afraid that if I keep thinking about what I did I will need the paper bag I conveniently placed beside the tub… just in case… one never knows when they come in handy and the phone call I feel obligated to now make to my soon to be ex-fiancée is probably going to cause me to hyperventilate. Yes I know I shouldn't do it over the phone but … I am a coward… at least I didn't go with my first instinct which was to do it through a text message.
Perhaps I subconsciously knew I was going to make this call all along. So I open a second bottle of wine gulp back a mouthful, choke a little bit, take a deep breath and dial the number which has become so familiar. And as I hear the phone ring and wait for him to pick up a thought crosses my mind. In an alternate universe I wonder what would have happened if I had met Sam first would I love him with my whole being or would he still come in second.
By the time I am about halfway through the second bottle trying to wash away my sorrows and belting out loudly to Frankees "Fuck You Right Back" lyrics I am admittedly more than a little sloshed and I abruptly make a grab for my phone picking it back up and causing water to splash over the edge of the tub and dial his number.
All of this is his fault! If he weren't so "wild and crazy and just so frustrating, intoxicating, complicated… and if I miss screaming and teasing and fighting in the rain and its 2 am and I'm cursing your name… so in love that I act insane… and that's the way I loved you…"
He finally decides to casually answer his phone on the second ring "Whatdaya want Case?" as if every messed up emotion and thing in my world weren't directly correlated with meeting this arrogant, Neanderthal, ….stupid… head…!
"I hattteee you!" I slur into the phone.
"Wha-" he tried to interrupt my rant. But I wasn't finished.
"You fucked up my life, ruined all of my relationships both past and present, and fucked up my life…" I somehow managed to get around my tongue and tried to finish my train of thought before I forget but he cuts me off again that son of a b…
"What you can't blame that on me… the guys finally seeing you for your true alien life form and decide that running for the hills sounded better than being harvested for your study on the human race. Psychology my ass!" He laughed at his own humor.
I continued on as if I had not been interrupted trying to remember where I left off "an' have the gull to continue on 'bout life on your la de do da charming way … as if nothing ever happened an' act as if all we ever were was friends! Friends my ass more like frienemies!"
"Casey where are you? Are you drunk?" he actually sounded a little worried.
"As if you care!" I practically scream/slur into the phone. "You have Angelina now. You don't care about me… you so easily gave up! What happened to what Derek wants Derek gets?" I am beginning to get very emotional and have tears welling up in my eyes. "You must have only wanted me for those two months until you got tired of what we had! Well you're just an egotistical jackass and I do not want to be your anything anymore n-not even your f-f-friend!" I am finally able to stutter out.
"Casey." Derek says in a very serious tone. "In what world have you been living?" He tries to divert my attention and I'll be damned if he is pretending to be confused about what I am speaking of… denial much… I think to myself. He continued on with his speech expanding to include the questionability about the status of my mental health and something about an emotional breakdown and maybe not being fit to work in the mental health industry.
I think I'd know better than he would if I were having a breakdown … I am almost a psychologist! And just to clarify yes I am emotional and yes I am drunk and yes I may very well be an emotional drunk but I am definitely not having a mental break down. The paper bag … they just help handle stressful situations.
I wasn't really listening to him though as he tried to reason with me and instead decided to ignore him and started singing along with the song which came on Pandora. What can I say it described him perfectly.
"Der-ek!" I slur loudly into the phone. And get up out of the tub to put the phone right against the speaker to ensure that he heard every word being sung.
"You had me several years ago when I was still quite naive
Well you said that we made such a pretty pair
And that you would never leave
But you gave away the things you loved and one of them was me
I had some dreams, they were clouds in my coffee
Clouds in my coffee, and... "
I pulled the phone away from the speakers singing along and held it up to my mouth so he could hear me "You're so vain, you probably think this song is about you."
"Case…" He says in an anguished filled voice. Yes that is what I wanted. I wanted to get underneath his skin make him feel, have him fight with me, this is what I craved. "I really don't know what to say …"
All of a sudden there is banging on the bathroom door. "Casey! Are you trying to wake the dead! It's time to turn down the music, get out of the tub, and stop the screaming and fighting at the top of your lungs with Derek! It's nearly 2am and I have to get up early to deal with a bunch of screaming and rambunctious eight year olds!" Rosie yelled through the door.
Ohhhh shite I totally forgot Rosie has not moved out yet so I hurriedly try to get out of the tub to turn down my man-hating music but in my inebriated state totally forgot two things. 1. There is a step between the floor and the tub and 2. Said step is covered in soapy water spilled on it from earlier. So of course I do something stupid and try to balance myself by catching ahold of the towel that was hanging from the towel rack and fall on my rump causing a big thump (I am sure my downstairs neighbors want to kill me due to all the ruckus I make) and I drop my phone in the bath water.
Rosie barges into the bathroom, "Are you ok I heard the strangled scream and the thump!" she says as she hurries over to help me up.
I try to stand up and save the phone from the certain death of water. I fish it out and say "Hello Derek you there?"
Silence.
"Dropping the phone in the water does not give you an excuse to hang up on me…" I yell into the phone. Rosie gives me a knowing look, gently places a towel over my shoulders, and takes the phone out of my hand. "Casey the phones dead." she states quietly.
As she is settling me down on to the bed she suddenly grabs my hand. "Casey! Ahh why did you say nothing?" she questions as she pulls me in for a hug. I shrug and she shakes her head and says "We'll talk about it tomorrow when you're not as messed up and figure everything out, I promise." She comforted me by patting me gently on the back. "Can we go see my Mom too?" I ask permission like a little girl and she merely nods and says "Of course."
After putting a bottle of water and some Aleve on the nightstand she puts in Clueless and climbs in beside me. "You know after Rob and I get married, and apparently you and Sam get married we will have to schedule your meltdowns." She giggles after the movie starts and hands me a box of Kleenexes.
I nod distractedly as I hazily remember bits and pieces of an earlier phone call made before Derek. I wince as I recall some of what was said "I'm sick …. Sick I tell you… you don't want to marry me… I love the guy who everyone in my family thinks of as my brother even though we could never be siblings… I love you but I am not in love with you …. that's why I could never marry you even though I already said I would… it just isn't fair to you and I love you but not in that way… not in the way which you deserve… please don't hate me… we have been friends for too many years to throw it all away… but if you need time to yourself I promise I do understand… and I am so sorry… I love you but… it's just not enough…"
As we settle back against the bed, my head is only slightly spinning now, and the comfort of watching a happily ever is settling around me like a warm electric blanket and I try to forget about everything all of the mistakes and all of the feelings and all of the if onlys as well as the what ifs.
Rosie grabs my hand and looks admiringly at the ring when suddenly the door bursts open and we both scream as Derek walks in looking pretty damned pissed.
Rosie looks back and forth between the two of us. I am sure I look a little sick and Derek is looking somewhere between pissed and perplexed. She nods to herself as if she is having a silent conversation leans forward to briefly give me a hug and softly says "I'll be in the next room if you need me…" gets up hugs Derek and whispers something in his ear then quickly leaves the room.
Traitor much? I can't help but glare as she walks out.
Derek face is like a thunder cloud as he closes the door and walks further into the room.
"Uh- no" I exclaim. "There is no reason for that door to be shut… nothing is going to happen like that in here." I quickly inform him.
He glares at me. "Casey be serious we need to have a very important discussion."
"About what?" It's my turn to pretend as if I have no idea what he is saying and instead try to focus on the scene flashing across the television screen. Cher is watching Josh sort of dance with Ty. Ah if only my existence were as carefree as Chers.
He gives me the death glare at a level seven. "I think you have a pretty damned good idea." He says as he pointedly scowls at my ring.
"Oh this?" I say as I pull the ring off to examine it. "No I already told you I believe that you have always and will always ruin all of my relationships. I mean look at poor Emily. I still haven't spoken with her after she went all psycho crazy and thought you were cheating on her with me and showed up one night in my dorm room making accusations and threats even though we were clearly not together and you two were broken up for like six months." I remind him looking at the beautiful ring and slipping it back onto my hand.
He looks perplexed again so I add "I told him I couldn't marry him earlier and that I would return this at his earliest convenience."
"Why would you do that? You have seemed happy Case, since you met Sam. I knew…" he started then trailed of "…while I didn't particularly like the idea of another guy being in your life …I liked Sam he reminded me a lot of another hockey player who also loves children… and I knew that when you introduced us that he was going to stick around… which is why I never tried to get rid of him." he quietly finished.
I am staring at him by this time anger beginning to well up again. "Ihateyou… Ihateyou … I just… I dunno anymore… what have I done… what happened to all of my carefully documented plans?" I question no one in particular.
He is unblinkingly staring right back so I continue "I hate myself for feeling this way and I hate you for making me feel this way. I knew I wasn't over it but I thought that I could ignore it and move on… pretend as if nothing ever happened and nothing ever changed between us… I thought that when Sam and I moved carefully from the friendship zone and into a relationship I could finally let go… but… it hurts here." I dramatically point to my heart. "It hurts here so damn much the pain is unbearable and I miss it so much… the passion… the love…" I eventually run out of steam trail off and look away.
"Casey be reasonable about this. It was not only my decision you decided right after seeing Simon for the first that it would be better for everyone concerned that we stop dating, never tell anyone and pretend it never happened. You said that while we were in Queens you could pretend as if we weren't about to be related to the same person, but that actually seeing Simon solidified it in your mind. I told you that I wanted to be with you, but you insisted your Mom was never happier than she was when she was with George and you couldn't take the chance of either her not approving or it tearing up our family now that we were now connected by blood! You said this not me!" He told me in a tone edged with anger and a little resentment.
"Derek – please let's not rehash the past I know exactly what occurred and who is responsible for what." I tiredly inform him. I no longer have any sort of buzz; I am starting to feel very exhausted both mentally and physically. "I am sorry for calling you tonight and saying all of those horrible things." I quietly apologize.
We are both quite for several minutes; when suddenly he bursts out and says "Case I don't really know who besides me can deal with all of your issues so for your sake we could try being together again, and see how it works. Look at it this way you will have less of a chance of being institutionalized in a psych ward with me because psshh I already know your loco." He tries to play off his nerves by smirking at me.
But alas I know him so well, as I know my family. And I know that everyone in London would gossip about us and Simon would get picked on and our parents would be social pariahs. And I know that our family would not be happy. I know that my Mother would be upset and didn't he know by now that I need my mother's help with life, I need her approval?
There was simply no way to ever be with him because of this. I will need her help and input many many more times in my life because there are still a ton of major events which have not happened as of yet. I needed her when deciding which major to choose, what grad school to attend and I will definitely need her when I decide to have children. If she isn't there who will be there to help me decide on names, on schools, on how to praise and punish, decide on which hobbies to put them in and who for the love of sweet baby Jesus will help me control the chaos which would surround me at that point my life. Because I know that if I am with him then I can't be with them… my family.
Because there no guarantees in life even when there are offers of marriage or proclamations of forever, and he has not even attempted to offer any of those, it is simply too risky. My heart has already been through quite enough without me volunteering it for some extreme experiment that will undoubtedly go array. And I know that if we didn't work out it would rip our fully integrated dysfunctional but happy family apart.
I sadly look at him and shake my head and simply say the words which I know he will understand because yes we may fight, and yes we may tease, and yes we may pretend to hate while secretly love but the connection we share is deep, and overpowering, and all encompassing, and we will never have this type of connection to another person, and nothing, and no one will ever change that no parent, sibling, lover or spouse. "I love you… too much to ever be with you." I say as I snuggle deeply into his embrace to watch the happily ever after of a completely different pair of step siblings. While trying my hardest to retain every detail of this perfect moment because it will undoubtedly be one of the few we will ever have together.
The next morning I turn to snuggle into his embrace and instead find a cold pillow that smells of him, I should have known he would not be there but I am still immensely disappointed. I decide it is time to get up forgetting about my activities from the night before, and quickly cover my mouth, and make a run for the bathroom. I receive a text message while at work from Sam.
Sam E* So … you wanna drop by later?
Casey McD* *embarrassed. Of course. I'll see you after I get off tonight.
When I arrive at his house I pull down on my shirt, put my hair behind my ear, and knock curtly on the door three times. He opens up the door smiles widely and pulls me inside. He instructs me to sit down and asks if I want anything to drink. I nod yes and politely ask for some bottled water. When he comes back he hands me the water and sits on the couch beside me.
He is studying me I assume to try to gage my reaction to what he is about to say. Instead of anger or accusations as I expected he asks kindly "Do you remember the phone call?" I guess he decided to take a plunge into the deep end. I nod lowering my eyes in embarrassment.
"Ok let me tell you a little story…" and he begins to tell me of this boy who fell in love with this klutzy girl even though he knew she was broken. After meeting the boy who broke her he decided that she needed someone like him in her life to protect her and be her knight in shining armor.
"You don't have to talk about it with me but just be prepared for me to be persistent because I am not giving up on us and this is what I want to do or I wouldn't have asked you. I knew you were broken when I met you and all I need to know is if everything between the two of you is completely over and if you are willing to give us a chance. "
Is everything between us finished forever? I am trying my damndest not to cry blinking rapidly and tilting my head slightly back in hopes to avoid a full onslaught of tears… because that is the one thing I never wanted to think/say/promise… I look up slowly into his green eyes which are studying me so intently and give a small shallow nod and promise that the biggest part of me- the part that made me so … me- was over.
Because Sam is sensible and incredible and it's like I couldn't ask for anything better and we share a brother who has my eyes and his hair and he is the best part of both of us and he is beautiful and we are just so complicated … and he got away by some mistake and now… it's time to move on with my life because that is one complication I would never want to wish away.
I manage to excuse myself and make it to the bathroom before the onslaught of tears begins. Once my anguish is released I realize I have to go back out there to Sam. He must be wondering where I am and while my heart is breaking in here I know that out there I won't be feeling anything at all which is better than this overwhelming pain I feel in here. So, I make sure I didn't have raccoon eyes and repair any damage those cursed things may have caused take several deep breathes, straighten my shoulders, and prepare myself to act like my heart is whole.
Buzz buzz buzz I looked down. "Oh that must be Casey's phone because I just put that old Justin Bieber song as my ring tone." I noticed that there was 1 new message. Out of curiosity I opened it and saw a conversation with him open.
D* I just don't think this charade should continue. I want things to be different. i noh ǝɅƟl !
Space Case* "I was asked 2 make a choice. If I had not been asked, I may have chosen differently but that is how it happened and now that I've made my choice I plan 2 stick by it plz just 4get all of it ever happened and let us both move on."
I covertly glanced at the door and quickly finished typing. Then I precisely placed the phone down onto the couch exactly where it was before it was touched.
I may feel guilty later on in life about what I had just done but at least she would no longer need to worry about that particular problem. I love Casey enough to make the hard choices and allow her a peace of mind.
She is the Cher to my Sonny and coming in second married to her vastly outweighs not being on the roster at all, which is what would happen if she ever sorted through her feelings for him and found they outweighed those for her family. She would feel guilty about putting me through so much and having those feelings that even if she didn't end up with him she would still leave me out of guilt, which would only hurt both of us in the end. While I may not be the love of her life I am the best thing for her and I would never leave her; I make her feel wanted, and special.
So while she may love him more and she may have more passion for him, I am the one she will end up with, the one who will remain beside her even in death, because I love her enough to not give up, enough to stay, enough to overcome all of the obstacles, and I have no doubts that I acted for what was best on both of our behalves.
"In the face of true love you just don't give up even if the object of your affection is begging you too."
END
A.N. Yes I know I changed the description of the ring from gaudy to beautiful but there is method to my madness. It was all about how Casey perceived the ring at that moment in time. The first time she speaks of it she is upset and has an overwhelming sense of being boxed in. The second time she remembers that Sam is a good friend and while she is not in love with him she does love him and this ring is a symbol of the love between the two of them.
*Hides So what do you think? Reviews= Love.