How To Catch A Mello by xxdemonchild and blackdragonflower

Summary: Light and Near didn't know how to catch a Mello... but Mattie did.

A/N: Matt's POV

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It's been quite a few years since he left Wammy House and I followed behind him like an obedient puppy. Near tried to contact me, to see if I had any possible leads on my friend's whereabouts. Not like I was gonna tell the sheep boy. Haha. He's the smartest boy at Wammy's, so he can figure it out for himself.

But Kira was looking for Mells too. And at least Near wouldn't kill my outlandish friend... just, annoy him to death with his eccentricities. So today, kids, I am going to teach you how to catch a Mello, if you should ever want to be trapped with a psycho, PMSing blond that gives you great sex. First, you target Mello, and then you make the plans, because if he just recently blew up an entire Mafia base and somehow defied all laws of physics and lived he will need some help. He will have two choices: call his long time friend (that would be you--or in this case, me) to get help, or call his life long, destined rivals worker (who is hot by all means) to get help and caught, he will most likely go for the prior, because his best friend wont call the police and will know to bring chocolate.

But that's to say if he just recently blew himself up now doesn't it? So what do you do if he already blew himself up, or there's no chances of getting blown up in the near future? Anyways... let's go with he already blew himself up and his face is sploded. Not much more to say to that now is there? It's almost like melted chocolate!

So to catch a Mello, you first need to know what a Mello looks like.

A Mello is firstly drop-dead sexy, encased in leather: leather vest, tight provocative leather pants, and slim leather gloves. He likes dead cows. Also, a Mello wears about three to four different types of crosses on his person at once, kinda freaky. Is he religious, not really. Does he pray?

He prays no one ever becomes hotter than he'll ever be.

And that he'll one day beat Near. Sadly, sorry Mells, it's probably not gonna happen... unless I start to hate all my Final Fantasy games. Like I said, not gonna happen.

Well... that's the clothes and accessories I suppose... now to the... erm... other things.

What?! I promise my mind isn't in the gutter!!! Just because I mentioned tight leather.... pants....

Okay yeah sorry personality. Uh... a bitch. For God's sake if I didn't know better I'd claim he was a girl with a flat chest. So, get out your legal pads and start taking notes, as stated before he has to be a bitch. He has to be bossy, addicted to chocolate and threaten you all the time. Oh and vain, very, very vain. Look for those qualities in your Mello, as well as the looks so you can catch your Mello.

Lesson One on how to actually catch him, you will have to spy, for days upon end to the point it may seem like creepy stalking, and don't get caught, because chances are he will be intelligent and will be on the look out for creepy, game addicted stalkers who molest little kids. Ahem, anyways, once you get the gist of his life, when he wakes up, where he goes, what he does in the shower (whatever you do, don't masturbate to that, you will get caught...), who he hangs with (he'll be indoors most of the day because he probably has his slaves do his bidding for him) and everything else in his life, for last example who he locks in his closet.

Reminds me of a funny story... last week I found a teenage girl locked in Mello's closet, called herself 'Jungle Girl'. Hey I didn't argue cuz she called me God of Fire. Awfully nice title don't ya know. Oh and... ha I override the Sun God, but don't tell him that, or my ass will be out on the street.

Oh that's another random fact! It doesn't matter if it was your apartment to begin with, your Mello will take it over and claim it as theirs. Arguing gets you hit, shot at, cussed at, or as stated earlier, thrown on the street with nothing. And that's if he's feeling generous!!!

So you've gotten his life patterns down, where he goes, how he eats, sleeps, breathes, and underwater aerobics! Heck you even know how many times his heart beats a minute, and how many chocolate bar wrappers are littering the floor by the end of the hour. No estimating, you know the approximate number, which is quite the high number. Now comes the fun of setting up the trap!

Lesson Two, you have to set up the trap. First you will need string, a box and a very expensive chocolate bar and none of that Hershey crap. What's the difference? Apparently, the taste. He will know. Ghiralldi is nice, but German chocolate is much better. Expensive, but usable. You can purchase three boxes of German chocolate for at least, well, just have some money in your wallet. The box can be found anywhere, the string as well and the chocolate, obviously in Germany.

Then you will need to find a place to set it up. It can be out in the open, but your Mello (like mine) should like dark alleys, so it should be set up there. In any public places, you're bound to get shot and he will start a shooting, so beware if you choose a public place. Tie the string to the stick, that will prop open the box, place the chocolate underneath, and hide, in the nearby bushes, well never mind not bushes. You're probably in the city, so ya know like a hobo or a fire hydrant, or just around the bend. Maybe there's a trashcan with a fire lit inside, all the more atmosphere to draw in the Mello. Hey never said he was normal in any way.

Now I'm sure you're questioning my sanity and intelligence. I didn't rank third at Wammy's for nothing. But with Mello as second you'd think 'How in the world would he fall for something so simplistic, so easy?'

It's chocolate.

He kills and lives for the stuff. It's like crack for a druggie, or a couple bullets for that homicidal neighbor who lives just down the street who everyone thought was just the nicest thing and then it turns out he's not so nice when he kills the first three kids who set foot on the edge of his lawn. Freakin old geezer. Scared the shit outta me. So Mello needs the hormone imbalancing chocolate like really bad. More than he even needs to catch Kira, which is saying something, if you know your Mells well enough, which if you don't go back to step one noob.

So you have your trap set, hopefully not in the bright sun where the chocolate will melt. Not only will Mello ignore the chocolate but you also lost the nice amount of cash you paid for the sucker. Not a win win situation there, just don't do it. So you're set up in the dark alley, bring a gun just in case, it's for your safety, not his. He already carries one... and that blade in his boot...Your trap is set up and suddenly, Mello comes along and sees it. He will inspect it, and then go for it. It may take an hour, but be patient, he will go for it.

And he does.

Lesson Three. You have caught your Mello. He's going to be pissed with you and probably cussing and going to shoot. Which is why you should have three things with you: chocolate, your gun and a tranquilizer that's probably not sterilized. What's the gun for you ask? To shoot him in the lower calf, so he can't run away. He may kill you...wait, no, he will kill you. So instead, just drug him with that needle, so he's limp. Oh and you have to carry him. He's going to be heavier then what you think.

So, you brought your Mello home. First thing, while he's still out his tie him to the headboard, and his ankles to the bed so he can't hit you or kick you. (In the end though, his forgiveness is great. Hehe, yum.) When he wakes he'll be awfully disorientated and demanding, despite his position with the ties, but be understanding to how he feels, but ignore everything after it hits the five minute mark, even one second over is too far. Oh, and... he's like a walking hormone believe it or not. If you offer your body, you might not have even needed the trap in the first place, but... it's more fun to use the box. All hail the cardboard box. Plus too, if your body isn't good enough, you lost all chances of catching your Mello, so this isn't a course I would take, especially if you know your Mello hates you with a burning passion.

So in review, to catch a Mello you need: heavenly chocolate, a great bod, and somewhat of a tolerance for extremely feminine behavior from a man. With those under your belt your chances of catching a Mello are pretty high. Now if you excuse me... heh... I have a Mello to go play with myself. Heh heh...