Thank You, Heavenly
Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day
SEASON 5
EPISODE 9
Airdate: October 30, 2016
"Savi's Revenge"
#TYH509
SCENE 1
One rainy night in Seattle, the camera cuts to two gravestones placed next to each other. Lightning strikes both gravestones, and a hand pops out of one of them. Another hand pops out of the second gravestone, and the two hands grab each other as lightning strikes them and the sound of a gong is heard.
SCENE 2
The Newman Condominium
Interior Bedroom
Seattle, Washington
Buster wakes up the next morning with a big smile on his face.
BUSTER: Isn't it a great day to be alive?
Buster gets out of the bed and heads towards the bathroom. When he walks inside, he sees "Your Soul Will Be Ours" written in blood on the mirror.
BUSTER: Oh my God! Who would waste so much ketchup writing this crap?
The scene cuts to Buster in the shower, singing "Roar" by Katy Perry.
BUSTER: I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter. Dancing through the fire. 'Cause I am the champion, and you're gonna hear me roar! Wait, what comes after that?
Out of nowhere, a message is made for Buster from the shower water that states: "Vengeance Is The Cleanser."
BUSTER: I'm sure it is. Stupid talking water. Killing the mood with messages and junk.
SCENE 3
The Newman Condominium
Interior Kitchen
Seattle, Washington
Buster is eating his cereal and reading the newspaper at the same time.
BUSTER: Another poor man killed from lead poisoning. When does it end in this country?
At that point, Buster's chair breaks inexplicably and he falls to the floor.
BUSTER: Hey, I just bought this chair last month! Something weird's going on here...
Buster is then grabbed by his shirt collar, making it appear that he is floating in mid-air.
BUSTER: Oh no! I LOST GRAVITY!
Buster is then slammed into his bowl of cereal with his face pressed up against it, trying to get out through muffled screaming. He is then thrown backwards and his head lands on the broken chair, knocking him out cold.
SCENE 4
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
Sparky closes his locker when he sees Buster with a black eye.
SPARKY: Buster, what...
BUSTER: I don't wanna talk about it.
SPARKY: Are you sure?
BUSTER: Yeah, it's nothing. Other than the fact that I feel like someone's trying to kill me.
SPARKY: What? Who? Whoever it is, we're going to the police and putting them in jail.
BUSTER: That's not going to work. The police can't arrest ghosts. I mean, they can try, but they'll just float right through the prison bars and escape.
SPARKY: Wait, what? Buster, there's no such thing as ghosts.
BUSTER: Really, Sparky? You're in that camp? Well, let me ask you this. What's one of the greatest movies that have to do with ghosts?
SPARKY: We are not doing this again.
BUSTER: I'm asking you, as your friend, a very serious question. What's one of the greatest movies...that have to do with ghosts?
Sparky sighs.
SPARKY: Ghostbusters.
BUSTER: Ghostbusters, of course. It even has my name in it! They knew what they were doing when they made that movie.
SPARKY: Buster, are you sure you're being haunted? Maybe you just punched yourself in the face when you were sleeping like last time.
BUSTER: I know what it was, Sparky! Creepy messages, broken chairs, floating in mid-air. This is serious. I don't know what's going on, but something's out to get me and I don't know what to do about it.
SPARKY: Okay, okay. You look pretty scared. If I were you, I would hang back a little bit and see if this ghost is really after you. Then you can take it from there.
BUSTER: And then what?
SPARKY: I don't know. What usually happens when you encounter a ghost?
Beat.
BUSTER: I'm sorry, what are we talking about?
SCENE 5
iCarly Elementary School
Exterior Playground
Seattle, Washington
The kids are having lunch outside.
RK: Okay, so we need to start planning what we're gonna do for Halloween. I was thinking we have a sleepover inside that abandoned warehouse on Charleston Street. You know, the one that's in danger of collapsing and killing everyone inside?
JAYLYNN: Why the hell would you wanna go there? That sounds demonic.
RK: I know. Action, suspense, fear. All the ingredients you need for a memorable Halloween trip. That and candy, but candy goes without saying.
BUSTER: Can I ask a question? Why are we eating out here? We should be inside where it's safe.
WADE: Safe? Buster, it's a lovely October afternoon here.
BUSTER: Oh, that's what those unholy spirits want you to think. Ghosts are attracted to fresh outside victims. That's the best way to claim a soul.
WADE: Can someone help me out here?
JAYLYNN: Yeah, and why does Buster have a black eye?
SPARKY: Some strange things happened to the kid this morning and now he's under the impression that ghosts are after him.
RK: Wait, we need to be scientific about this. Buster, what happened to you this morning?
WADE: How is this related to science?
RK: It's supernatural science.
BUSTER: Well, I woke up and saw a strange message in the bathroom. It was about my soul being taken. Then when I was showering, I saw another message about vengeance. Then I was beaten around in the kitchen, and it felt like my eyes were being covered while I was driving half the time. But you know what the strangest part is?
WADE: What?
BUSTER: They were playing "Thriller" on the radio.
JAYLYNN: So? Halloween's coming up. Of course they're gonna play that song.
BUSTER: It was playing on every single station!
The kids start screaming.
RK: Well, Buster, it's official. You're being haunted. The reasons are obviously unknown, but until we get to the bottom of this, those ghosts will stop at nothing to kill you.
BUSTER: NO, I'M NOT READY TO DIE! There's no reason why I should go before Melissa McCarthy does!
SPARKY: Hey, stop scaring us like that, RK. Nobody's killing my best friend, dead or undead. Hey, look, Buster. The ice cream truck! Why don't we get some together? You love ice cream.
BUSTER: Well, it's true. Ice cream does calm me down from some of my episodes.
SPARKY: Ninety-six and counting, I know. Let's go.
Sparky and Buster go to the ice cream truck.
JAYLYNN: Can I get some ice cream too?
RK: Sure, why not?
JAYLYNN: Yay!
Jaylynn runs towards the truck.
WADE: Why...why would she need to ask for permission?
RK: She's a weirdo. Just go with it.
SPARKY: I think I'll have a vanilla cone. How about you, Buster?
BUSTER: I'll have the same. And you know what, ice cream man? I have a question.
ICE CREAM MAN: Of course. Any question from my customers is a wonderful question.
BUSTER: During the wintertime, where do you go? Do you go to Florida and make more ice cream or do you just hibernate until spring?
The ice cream man pauses for a few seconds, and starts choking Buster in an inexplicable rage. Sparky and Jaylynn unsuccessfully try to loosen the man's grip.
SPARKY: Let go of him, you psycho!
ICE CREAM MAN: YOU SON OF A BITCH, I'LL KILL YOU!
Out of nowhere, the man collapses and lets go of Buster. The truck then drives away.
JAYLYNN: Buster, are you okay?
BUSTER: What the hell was that? When you do stuff like that to kids, it's supposed to be behind closed doors! And I never even got my vanilla cone.
The scene cuts to the truck driving away, and the ghost of Savanah Edie, Buster's former pen pal, rises up from the body of the unconscious ice cream man. The ghost of Diana Katanova, Buster's ex-girlfriend, is driving the truck.
SAVANAH: I'm not a doctor or anything, but I think this guy's dead. Way to go, Diana, you killed an innocent man.
DIANA: I was trying to save you from doing something stupid. Why would you possess an ice cream man and try killing Buster in plain sight?
SAVANAH: Because obviously, I thought the idea would work. See, Diana, I'm bold. I actually go after what I want. Unlike you, you big softie.
DIANA: Savi, I want Buster dead just as much as you, but this isn't the way to do it. When we kill him, it's going to be at his condo on Halloween.
SAVANAH: I like the way you think. That's dark. Why didn't I come up with that?
DIANA: Because all you can think about is killing Buster and nothing else?
SAVANAH: Well, can you blame me? He killed me. Everything I wanted to do in my life is a waste of time because he ended it for the both of us. I want to feel his blood on my lips. I want to hear his pathetic shrieks as I slice his face open with a knife. I want to cut off his limbs, eat his arteries and stick rusty nails into every area of his brain.
Beat.
SAVANAH: So where are you driving this thing?
DIANA: Into the ocean. There's nothing we can do, that man's dead.
SAVANAH: Are you insane? You're going to kill us!
DIANA: We're already dead, you sadistic dumbass.
SAVANAH: Oh yeah, right. Don't talk to me like that.
SCENE 6
The Newman Condominium
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Buster arrives at his home with Sparky.
BUSTER: Thanks for walking me home. I felt like a cute girl in one of those rom-coms everybody hates.
SPARKY: Ah, it was nothing. I bet that ghost realized there's strength in numbers.
BUSTER: Definitely. You know, I just realized something.
SPARKY: What?
BUSTER: Halloween's coming up. Which means it's the two-year anniversary of what happened.
SPARKY: Ah, Buster, you shouldn't think about things like that. You did what you had to do. Savanah's dead, Diana's dead, they're both rotting in hell where they belong.
BUSTER: You're right. I just hate that it had to end that way.
SPARKY: Me too, but when push comes to shove, the people who really love you are here to stay. Do you want me to hang with you for the rest of the day?
BUSTER: No, that's okay. Me, I'm just going to sit back and see if that ghost is ready for round two.
SPARKY: Cool. I'll see you at school tomorrow. Call me if anything.
BUSTER: Sure thing, man.
Sparky leaves and Buster lies down on the couch.
BUSTER: Alone by myself. This must be what it feels like to be an adult every single day.
Buster closes his eyes and dozes off, but when he wakes up, he finds that he is in purgatory.
BUSTER: Wait a minute, what the hell? My couch! My furniture! Oh no, not the potpourri! I'M MENTAL!
DREAM BUSTER: You're not mental, you're asleep.
Buster is shocked at the sight of another Buster.
BUSTER: Oh my God? I'm in the future, and there's a clone of me! You know what? Fine. If you want to yank my guts out, at least give me those drugs that put you to sleep before you do it.
DREAM BUSTER: What's wrong with you? I'm just Dream Buster.
BUSTER: Dream about what?
DREAM BUSTER: No, you moron, my name is Dream Buster. Do I need to explain further or are you just a lost cause?
BUSTER: Alright, I get it. But why are you here?
DREAM BUSTER: I want to take you on the most amazing journey of your life while you're resting. Follow me. We have a lot to see.
BUSTER: Okay, I guess. But if you even think about taking me to a dark alley, I'll wake up faster than you can say shoofly pie.
DREAM BUSTER: *sighs* I'll remember that. Now come on, let's have some fun.
("Places to Go" by Yuna plays in the background)
Dream Buster snaps his fingers and him and Buster are transported to outer space. The two then start flying across the Milky Way and jump over several stars in the process. They then go back to Earth and fly across the Yangtze River in China, the Arc de Triomphe in Paris, and the Colosseum in Rome. Buster flies way up into the skies, and begins resting on a cloud while drinking lemonade. It then fades into a bar where Buster and Dream Buster get off of their clouds and start dancing with Smokey the Bear. Buster then jumps off the stage and begins crowd surfing while Dream Buster takes off his shirt and starts riding his scooter around the bar. The music stops when gunshots are fired in the bar, killing Smokey the Bear and other customers.
BUSTER: NO, SMOKEY!
DREAM BUSTER: Come on, Buster! Let's give them some hell!
Dream Buster hands Buster an assault rifle and they start going after the shooters.
("Rock Out" by Motorhead starts playing as Buster and his imaginary persona engage in a shootout with the two masked shooters. Buster jumps over the piano and starts firing shots at one of the gunmen, causing them to fall over. The other gunmen tries to blind Dream Buster with a mysterious white dust, but he sidesteps it. The dust ends up going into a nearby fan and it is blown back in Dream Buster's face. The gunman then shoots him multiple times, killing him.)
BUSTER: YOU BASTARDS, HOW COULD YOU?!
The gunmen pull off their masks to reveal themselves as Savanah and Diana.
BUSTER: Wait, what? Savanah? Diana? What the hell are you guys doing here?
SAVANAH: Shut the f*** up and hold still.
Diana fires at Buster and he immediately wakes up screaming, several hours later.
BUSTER: DON'T KILL ME, DON'T KILL ME! Wait a minute. It's just a dream. I'm thinking about this too hard. Nobody's coming to get me. Now why don't I just change, and watch some TV?
The lights shut off at that moment.
BUSTER: Holy shit, please don't tell me...
DIANA: We're back.
BUSTER: Oh, f*** me.
("Undead" by Hollywood Undead plays in the background)
When the lights return, the ghosts of Savanah and Diana are staring a trembling Buster down. Buster starts screaming and tries to run away, but the door is locked. Savanah and Diana then start assaulting him, throwing him around the room and landing several punches and kicks. They then try to slam him through the coffee table, but he bumps their heads into each other, unlocks the door, and runs out of the complex screaming again.
BUSTER: THEY'RE BACK! THEY'RE BACK! THEY'RE BACK TO KILL ME! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Buster jumps in his car and turns on the radio.
WEATHERMAN: And the forecast in Savannah, Georgia calls for rain all week long...
BUSTER: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
SCENE 7
Schroeder's Mini Market
Exterior Entrance
Seattle, Washington
Buster leaves the corner store with two bags containing several drinks. He puts the bags down, opens up a bottle of lemonade, and starts drinking.
BUSTER: Ah. I feel so much better.
("Dirty Diana" by Michael Jackson is heard blasting out of someone's car as they drive by. Buster immediately starts screaming again, picks up his bags, and runs away.)
SCENE 8
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Buster opens the door and falls to his knees in an empty living room.
BUSTER: Is anybody here?
Sparky runs downstairs in his pajamas.
SPARKY: Buster, is everything okay? Oh, dear, you look sick. Have you not been drinking enough?
BUSTER: It's them, Sparky. They're back. Savanah and Diana are the ghosts and they want to kill me!
SPARKY: No freaking way!
BITCH CLOCK: Hey Sparky, you're going to need a new toothpaste tube. I'm using the one upstairs for this, um...personal thing.
SCENE 9
The MacDougal Household
Interior Kitchen
Seattle, Washington
Sparky opens up a can of New England clam chowder with the can opener while Buster sits at the table.
BUSTER: And the next thing I know, those assholes are beating me senseless and trying to put me through my own table. My knees were so weak, I felt like they were about to pop off.
SPARKY: I can't believe they're the ghosts. I thought you killed them.
BUSTER: I thought so too, but apparently, I didn't finish the job. I don't know what to do. I'm too scared to go back home knowing they're just waiting for me so they can do me in.
SPARKY: Well, until you're ready to go home, you're more than welcome to stay here with me. You can borrow my spare pajamas.
BUSTER: Thanks Sparky. It always pays off to count on your best friend. Wait a minute. Why am I eating chowder?
SPARKY: Clam chowder's a quality soup.
BUSTER: But I don't eat chowder.
SPARKY: Chowder is the cleanser.
BUSTER: I thought you were going to make me chicken noodle soup.
SPARKY: You're a big boy now so eat that chowder.
Beat.
BUSTER: Alright.
SCENE 10
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
Sparky is talking to RK, Wade, and Jaylynn near the lockers.
SPARKY: I don't know, guys, a horror movie marathon? Is that really what you want to do for Halloween?
RK: Of course it is. This is the best possible way to enjoy it. We're going to be so scared, we won't need to use the bathroom for at least a week.
SPARKY: Okay, ewww.
JAYLYNN: Hey, where's Buster? I was going to stomp his ass in Uno today.
SPARKY: Oh, he didn't feel like coming. He's still pretty messed up after the whole ghost thing last night.
WADE: So there really are violent spirits out to get him?
SPARKY: Yup. And you're not gonna believe this. The ghosts are Savanah and Diana.
RK: Who's Savanah and who's Diana? I forgot their faces.
JAYLYNN: Wait, the girls who nearly killed Buster and tried to kill us too are back walking this earth?
SPARKY: Well, they're ghosts now, but yeah, they're back.
JAYLYNN: I can't believe this.
WADE: We have to find a way to stop them before they kill Buster.
RK: Relax, guys, nothing is going to happen. If I know anything about these types of stories, it's that the hero always wins.
JAYLYNN: But this isn't a story, you nimrod! It's real life!
RK: That's what you think. Look, Buster is going to get out of this. He just needs to stand up to those assholes and kill them once and for all.
SPARKY: I hope so. It's making me sick just thinking that they're still out there.
SCENE 11
The Newman Condominium
Interior Bedroom
Seattle, Washington
Diana floats around the room tossing things around and opens one of Buster's drawers to find an old picture of the two.
DIANA: I can't believe this.
SAVANAH: I don't think Buster's coming back here. What a pussy. What are you doing here?
DIANA: Trying to trash the place. Look at this. Buster kept a picture of us from the time we went out for beef patties. We couldn't eat it again for three weeks.
SAVANAH: You guys went out for beef patties?
DIANA: It's the Jamaican taco.
SAVANAH: Well, bitch, this isn't the time for reminiscing. You know how insane I'm getting right now just waiting for Halloween? I can't wait to take Buster's fingernails and bite them off. I might just eat some of his skin for the hell of it.
DIANA: We're killing him, burying him in the graveyard and that's that. Don't try to make this creepy. There's just one thing we need to figure out: What about his idiot friends? You know they're going to try and stop us.
SAVANAH: Just like last time. But don't worry, I have a plan for that. They're not going to ruin this for me. THIS IS MY NIGHT!
Beat.
DIANA: Seriously, take it down a notch.
SCENE 12
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Buster and Bitch Clock are doing a jigsaw puzzle.
BUSTER: Hey, is it really true that you learn something new every day?
BITCH CLOCK: Of course. Like yesterday for instance. You learned that two crazy bitches are out to kill you.
BUSTER: Thank you for reminding me. I just wonder what it takes to keep yourself from learning something new every day.
BITCH CLOCK: Just stay in your bed all day. Don't move, don't talk, don't do anything but breathe. Hey, where did you buy this puzzle?
BUSTER: From some weird guy standing outside the liquor store. He said he had some treats in his car for me, but he was barefoot, had a lazy eye, and smelled like guacamole that's been left under your bed for two weeks. All signs pointed to him not owning a car.
BITCH CLOCK: So you bought a puzzle from this guy, and it only occurred to you after the fact that he...
BUSTER: The less you ask me about the things I did last week, the better.
BITCH CLOCK: No problemo.
Sparky walks in with his backpack.
BITCH CLOCK: Hey, Sparky's home.
BUSTER: What's up, Sparky?
SPARKY: Eh, nothing much. It was really weird not seeing you in school today. I really had to stretch my conversations with the guys today.
BUSTER: What do you mean?
SPARKY: Well, it started off okay. Then I had to keep changing the topic because it's usually a five-person talk and without you to play off of, the whole thing was...a mess. I barely made it out of there alive.
BUSTER: That sounds awful.
SPARKY: It was. So were you able to go back home today and get your stuff?
BUSTER: Nope. I don't know when, but I can't go back there for anything. It's too scary.
BITCH CLOCK: How dangerous are these girls anyway? I mean, they're ghosts. What exactly are they capable of? Tickling you to death?
SPARKY: Two years ago, they locked us in a basement, tortured us, and almost killed each and every one of us.
BITCH CLOCK: Oh. Well, I guess we know how kinky this generation really is.
SPARKY: What?
BITCH CLOCK: You know what I said.
SPARKY: Um, okay. Anyway, Buster, I know you're scared, but you can't have Savanah and Diana force you out of your condo. It doesn't matter what happens or where you go. They're going to find you and kill you.
BUSTER: Look, I understand where you're coming from, but I just don't think it's worth it. If they want me, they can come get me, but I'm not digging my own grave by going someplace where I'm not safe.
Sparky sighs.
SPARKY: I guess you're right.
SCENE 13
The MacDougal Household
Interior Bedroom
Seattle, Washington
Sparky is fast asleep that night while Buster continues tossing and turning.
BUSTER: No. No, stay away. Leave me alone, please.
The scene fades into Buster's dream. He starts screaming as guards in a medieval castle begin to chain his arms and legs. They then toss him down a long stairwell and he lands face first on the basement floor.
BUSTER: What the hell? I could have broken my neck on that landing! Everything they tried to do would have been pointless.
DIANA: Do you ever just think to yourself that maybe you should shut up?
Savanah and Diana emerge from a shadowy part of the basement with a chainsaw covered in blood.
BUSTER: Guys, please don't kill me. I swear, if you spare my life, I'll devote all my time and money into making you two nice ghosts. You'll be just like Casper!
SAVANAH: Cut the empty pleas and relax. This is only going to hurt just a little too much.
BUSTER: I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING! UNLOCK THE CHAINS!
DIANA: It's too late for that, bitch.
Diana starts up the chainsaw and begins closing in on cutting Buster open as Savanah laughs maniacally. Buster slowly stops screaming as blood is splattered all over the walls. Like the last dream, Buster wakes up screaming.
SPARKY: Buster, what happened?
BUSTER: I...I feel like...I can't even breathe.
Sparky jumps out of his bed and begins hugging Buster.
SPARKY: It's okay. It's going to be okay. Don't worry, everything's going to be okay.
SCENE 14
Space Needle Diner
Interior Booth
Seattle, Washington
Sparky and Jaylynn are talking over porridge and coffee.
SPARKY: Jaylynn, I haven't been this worried about Buster in a long time. He woke up last night screaming because he had a nightmare that Savanah and Diana were cutting out his internal organs. And this morning, he wouldn't even drink his apple juice. He never turns down drinks!
JAYLYNN: Is that why he skipped school again?
SPARKY: Pretty much. He's a complete shut-in now. He feels like if he leaves my house, he's going to become a target. I don't know what to do, Jaylynn. He's scared out of his mind, losing his grip on reality and I feel like there's nothing I can do to help him.
JAYLYNN: You say that now, but there might be a way to end all this.
SPARKY: How?
JAYLYNN: By getting out of his way.
SPARKY: What?
JAYLYNN: By getting out of...
SPARKY: I heard you the first time. What do you mean, get out of his way?
JAYLYNN: Look, Sparky, has it ever occurred to you that one day, you might not be able to help Buster?
SPARKY: Kinda. But that's why I have to do what I can now. I want to be Buster's best friend for the rest of my life, and he's going to need me. I have to look after him.
JAYLYNN: It's not your job to protect him, man. Look, I know you're worried about Buster, and I know you want to help him all the time. But if he can't even help himself, what's the point? He has to go back home, tell those girls to f*** off and not back down. You can't tell him to do that. I can't, RK can't, Wade can't. He has to stand up and do it himself.
SPARKY: So what am I supposed to do? He's the one who wanted my help in the first place.
JAYLYNN: But if he has any chance of getting out of this alive, then he can't run away. He has to take his shit and deal with it.
SPARKY: That...didn't answer my question completely, but you're right. I have to give Buster the chance to fight this on his own or he's always going to be scared. Thanks Jaylynn. I think I know what I have to do now.
Sparky takes his jacket and walks out of the diner.
JAYLYNN: I know damn well he never paid for this.
SCENE 15
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Bitch Clock is watching TV when Sparky walks in.
SPARKY: Where's Buster? I need to talk to him.
BITCH CLOCK: Oh, he went back to his condo. See, I told him that he wasn't doing himself any favors by sitting around being afraid and he has to go back home and fight those girls. I think all he needed was a good kick in the ass.
SPARKY: You son of a bitch, I'm the one who was supposed to give him the kick in the ass!
BITCH CLOCK: So you're upset that he has his confidence back, but you're not the reason for it?
SPARKY: It's complicated, I just came back from a hard talk. I really hope he's over there taking care of things.
SCENE 16
The Newman Condominium
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Buster storms in, slams the door, and turns off the lights.
BUSTER: Alright, Savanah and Diana! I'm right here! Time to come out and play!
The lights come back on and the girls are surrounding Buster.
SAVANAH: Ask and you shall...
BUSTER: Shut the f*** up, both of you.
DIANA: I never said anything.
BUSTER: You were about to say something because I know you about as well as I know other people, so the both of you shut up and don't talk when I talk. Now I'm not going to repeat myself here. You guys are bloodsucking, evil scum. Not only did you try to kill me before, you tried killing all my friends and even your own friends. The fact that you're coming back after two years means you still haven't learned anything, so why don't you go back to being dead and leave me alone?
SAVANAH: Yeah, that's not happening.
BUSTER: Are you insane right now? Why are you two even here?
SAVANAH: Look, a lot of things have changed in two years, Buster, but you're still the same. You're just as pathetic, spineless, and afraid as I remember. It makes me sick that I'm dead and I can't experience anything anymore, and you get to live. You still have friends, you still have family. I HAVE NOTHING! So I'm going to do whatever it takes to kill you. I'm going to stop at nothing to make sure worms eat your flesh for the rest of eternity.
BUSTER: I guess you don't realize that I deserve to live way more than you. You're just an empty, rotten person, aren't you? I mean, I know ghosts don't have souls, but...you're no different from the girl who tried to kill me two years ago.
DIANA: Hey, back off! She has every right to kill you. We both do. And we're not going anywhere until we finish what we started.
BUSTER: Do you even know why you're here, Diana? Do you really want me dead? Or do you want me dead because your psycho friend over there wants me dead? You used to be one of the good guys, Diana. You used to tell me all the time how much you cared about me. Now you're just a big fat nothing like her!
DIANA: You're going to regret ever killing us, I swear to God.
BUSTER: Leave me alone, you two. Leave me alone, leave my friends alone, just go back to being dead where you belong, please.
SAVANAH: Trust me, it's too late for that. We came back for one reason, because we couldn't stand the fact that you were still alive. Diana asked for mercy and you couldn't give it to her.
Buster has a flashback to "The Life and Times of Diana Katanova," where he is about to kill Diana after killing Savanah.
DIANA: Buster, I'm sorry for everything I ever did to you. I'm sorry for everything I ever did to you. I'm sorry for hurting everyone you care about. I'm sorry for hurting my best friends! Diana starts crying. I'm a terrible person, just please don't kill me!
The scene goes back to the present day.
BUSTER: Wait a minute. How do you even know about that? You were dead when it happened.
SAVANAH: She told me about it, dipshit.
BUSTER: Oh, really? Well, did she also tell you what happened after that?
The scene cuts back to the original episode.
BUSTER: Fine, I'll let you go.
DIANA: Thank you. You're so...
Diana attempts to stab Buster in the chest with the knife but he dodges and throws the thumbtacks in her face. The scene cuts back to the present.
SAVANAH: You never told me that.
DIANA: Well, either way, killing you wasn't enough. He had the audacity to kill his own girlfriend.
BUSTER: Yeah, who was a murderous sociopath!
DIANA: So what?
BUSTER: Look, you guys can sit here and ramble all you want, but the fact of the matter is, I'm still here. So try and kill me. Take your best shot. I dare you!
SAVANAH: No. See, Buster, we play chess, not checkers. When we kill you, it's going to be on Halloween. We'll let you enjoy your last few days before we make sure your parents have to bury you in the ground. It's not going to be like last time, honey. You can't beat us twice.
BUSTER: And what makes you think I can't?
DIANA: Because you don't have what it takes to do it again. You're too soft.
BUSTER: It doesn't matter what you psychos think. You're going to die once and for all and I'm sending you back to hell!
SAVANAH: Yeah, good luck with that. See you on October 31, Buster. I really hope you have fun these next couple of days. Because after that, it's lights out.
DIANA: What about the dogs?
SAVANAH: Don't question that. I told you, I have a plan to take care of them.
BUSTER: Oh, by the way, ladies. One more thing. You only have this one chance to kill me. If you can't do it on Halloween, I never want to see another trace of you. If I kill you guys again, you stay dead. Forever.
Savanah and Diana briefly stare at each other.
SAVANAH: You know what? Fine. I'm cool with that.
DIANA: Me too. Because you know what? There's nothing he can do to win again.
BUSTER: That's what you think.
Savanah and Diana float through the door and leave.
BUSTER: I really hope they didn't touch my stuff. Getting ectoplasm all over my potpourri and whatnot.
SCENE 17
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Lunchroom
Seattle, Washington
The kids are all eating lunch a few days later.
JAYLYNN: So when are we going trick-or-treating?
RK: Oh, we're not doing that this year, Jaylynn.
JAYLYNN: What? Are you crazy? I'm not about to go through Halloween without eating candy. I should spit on you for saying things like that.
RK: You're gross. Look, with the movie marathon, I just don't see how we can pack that much into the schedule. We're booked solid.
WADE: You know, we could always go trick-or-treating before the marathon.
RK: Genius idea. Wade wins today. He gets all the glory, thank you for saving our asses.
JAYLYNN: We're going to go trick-or-treating in the daytime?
RK: Beggars can't be choosers.
SPARKY: Buster, what are you writing there?
BUSTER: Well, if Savanah and Diana kill me on Monday, I want to make sure I'm prepared for it. So I'm writing up my will just in case. By the way, I need your input on this: Should I give my refrigerator to you or Jaylynn? I don't think either of you guys have the ice machine in yours.
SPARKY: You're not going to get killed on Monday.
WADE: Who's getting killed on Monday?
BUSTER: Savanah and Diana want me dead, so I threw down the challenge. Either I kill them for good or I'm going to hell. Personally, I think it's a fair deal.
JAYLYNN: Are you crazy? You can't take on two evil ghosts by yourself.
RK: Jaylynn's right. If you're fighting them, we're all fighting them. Which means we have to cancel our plans to dick around and watch movies all night.
BUSTER: Thanks for the support, guys, but I have to do this alone. They still don't take me seriously, so I'm going to show them what happens when history repeats itself.
WADE: Buster, you could get killed.
BUSTER: I don't care what the cost is. These two have made my life a living hell and I'm sick of it. When this fight ends, it's going to end because I said so. With that out of the way, who's interested in my stickers? You better act fast because it's now or never.
Sparky looks at Buster concerned as he continues writing.
SCENE 18
Down in the depths of hell on Halloween night, Savanah and Diana are preparing for the fight.
DIANA: Savi, I don't know if I can go through with this. I'm nervous.
SAVANAH: Nervous about what? You're about to kill your ex-boyfriend who killed you two years ago in a street fight and now all that's left of you is a soulless slob of goo. What's there to be nervous about?
DIANA: It's just that...you think Buster was right? We're really going to all this trouble just to kill him? I mean, he beat us the first time. What's this going to prove?
SAVANAH: Diana, did something hit you in the head really hard and now you can't remember who you are? Or were you just hit with Stockholm syndrome and you're nothing more than a lovesick idiot? Let me lay some truth down on you: You are dead. Do you understand me? Your life no longer exists and everything you do from this point forward means absolutely nothing. Your boyfriend took all of that away from you. Now you have the chance to fix all that by taking everything away from him. So are you just a coward, or do you have my back like you said you did?
Beat.
DIANA: I have your back, Savanah. You don't need to worry about my loyalty. Buster dies tonight and we leave happily ever after.
SAVANAH: Great. Now let's go. This new lip gloss only looks good on me for an hour. When we're done killing Buster, I might have to return it.
SCENE 19
The Newman Condominium
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Buster has on a T-shirt, sweatpants, and is putting on his combat boots as he prepares for the fight. Sparky walks in wearing a similar outfit.
BUSTER: Sparky, what kind of Halloween costume is that?
SPARKY: It's not a costume, man, it's fight gear. I have to be ready.
BUSTER: You're helping me? But dude, I said that...
SPARKY: I know what you said. Look, Buster, the way I see it, you're the most important person in the world to me. And I'll be damned if I let anybody take you away from me. If this is going to be your last day alive, I want to be there every step of the way. Those bitches are going to have to kill me before they kill you.
BUSTER: You know something, Sparky? I want you to be there too. I mean, what good is killing evil ghosts if your best friend isn't there for it?
SPARKY: Exactly. So let's send Savanah and Diana back to the graveyard they came from.
BUSTER: Together.
Buster and Sparky stand side by side as they wait for the girls to arrive.
SCENE 20
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
RK and Wade are waiting by the front door.
RK: Jaylynn, come on! How long does it take to change your shirt?
JAYLYNN: Kinda long, as you can see by the fact that I'm not downstairs yet.
RK: Don't get smart with me, you little smart-ass smarty pants know-it-all brat. Just get down here!
WADE: Do you think this is wrong? You know, going against Buster's wishes?
RK: Wade, if we do not help our friend, he is going to die. I'm pretty sure you realize how severe this situation is. Buster might get killed if we don't do anything to stop Savanah and Diana.
WADE: I understand that, and I know we have to protect Buster, but what if he was serious about going it alone?
RK: He was testing us to see how much we love him. I mean, his lips might have said to stay out of it, but his eyes said that he was scared as f*** and he needed help. I would be scared too. Do you know how much time those two psychos have spent in hell? They can probably fly in from another continent in ten seconds, or have super strength. I bet they have invisible sniper rifles that they're setting up right now to make sure they have no witnesses. Quick, get down on the floor! They can't shoot us if we're crouched down!
Beat.
WADE: What exactly do you know about supernatural beings and the unfathomable terrors of hell?
RK: It varies depending on the situation.
The lights go out and when they return, Savanah and Diana are circling the boys.
RK: Yo, what the f***?
WADE: This is disturbing.
SAVANAH: Look, we don't have time for banter, so just drink this.
Savanah hands RK and Wade cups containing a mysterious liquid.
RK: I don't wanna drink this. You probably pissed, spit, and shit in this cup.
DIANA: If you guys don't drink this, we're going to kill you where you stand.
WADE: Bottoms up, RK.
RK: Cheers indeed!
RK and Wade drink the mysterious substance and immediately collapse.
DIANA: What was that anyway?
SAVANAH: A knockout drink. Makes you unconscious for a couple hours.
DIANA: So, like a roofie?
SAVANAH: No, it's not. This drink is made of chemicals that attack the brain and put you to sleep.
DIANA: That's kinda you not wanting to admit that you just gave roofies to children.
SAVANAH: Look, just because I bought these from a weirdo outside a dive bar, doesn't mean they're drugs. He did mention Megan's Law a lot though.
DIANA: We're wasting time here! We only have four hours until midnight. Where's that redheaded bitch?
Jaylynn finally arrives downstairs.
JAYLYNN: Guys, I have to ask, who's throwing the first punch? I was thinking about...wait, what the hell happened?! YOU TWO?! Man, you're way uglier than I remembered.
SAVANAH: Cute. Give her the drink.
Diana levitates the drink into Jaylynn's mouth and she becomes incapacitated on the steps.
SAVANAH: Awesome. Now it's time to get what we came for.
SCENE 21
The Newman Condominium
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Buster and Sparky are watching TV.
SPARKY: This feels weird, you know? Watching TV knowing that we're about to fight for our lives?
BUSTER: That's the beauty of Halloween, my friend. Seriously, I hope they didn't wuss out.
VOICEOVER: We always keep our promises.
BUSTER: OKAY, BRING IT ON, YOU TWO!
The lights go off and when they return, Buster and Sparky are staring down Savanah and Diana. The girls use their powers to clear the living room floor of the furniture.
SPARKY: Buster?
BUSTER: Yeah?
SPARKY: The more I think about it, the more I think that we're dead either way.
BUSTER: I'm glad we're on the same page. So before you try taking our souls, what are the rules here?
DIANA: There aren't any, dumbass.
Diana hits Sparky in the head with a baseball bat, knocking him out.
BUSTER: YOU HIT MY FAMILY!
("Monster" by Skillet plays in the background)
Buster goes after Diana and starts punching her in the face, but Savanah pulls him off and then levitates him as he constantly bounces off the roof. She then takes a chair and cracks it over his head. Sparky then wakes up and spears Savanah through the wall of the living room. Diana pulls out a switchblade and tries to slice Buster's head off, but he wins the struggle for the knife and cuts her arm off. She then regenerates another arm.
BUSTER: Dude, come on now!
Savanah grabs Buster and tosses him in the staircase, proceeding to punch and kick him repeatedly. She then takes another chair and cracks it over his back. Diana gets the idea to go inside Sparky's body and possess his spirit, forcing a handicap situation.
BUSTER: Wait, what the...I can't fight my best friend!
DIANA: That's what you think.
Diana kicks Buster low and tosses him into the wall. Diana then tries to choke Buster out with a wire, and he begins to fade.
BUSTER: Come on, I can do this! That's not Sparky!
Buster flips Diana over and begins getting the upper hand, landing several punches and kicks on her inside a possessed Sparky. With one roundhouse kick to the skull, Diana is kicked outside of Sparky's body. Savanah tries to grab Sparky by the head, but he takes her outside the condo and begins brawling with her. Buster grabs Diana and starts choking her out, then takes the switchblade and attempts to stab her, but Savanah comes back and knees him in the head. Savanah then pulls an unconscious Sparky and drags him up the steps, then prepares to throw him off. Sparky wiggles free and kicks Savanah down the steps, presumably to her death.
SPARKY: I think she's dead. Buster, we did it!
Savanah sits up similar to The Undertaker and snaps her fingers. When she does, Buster's floor is transformed into the entrance to hell and he and Diana run towards the part of the floor near the staircase.
SAVANAH: If we can't kill you guys, we're sending you to hell by force!
Buster begins shaking looking at the rising inferno and gets held at gunpoint by Savanah.
SAVANAH: It's over. You have two choices, Buster: You can jump in the pit, or get shot down there.
BUSTER: I can't believe it has to end like this.
SAVANAH: And I can't believe you had to kill me two years ago. So say goodbye to your best friend. Oh, wait a minute. He's coming with you anyway!
Savanah starts laughing maniacally.
DIANA: Hey Savanah.
Savanah turns around and sees that Diana has pulled a gun on her.
SAVANAH: Diana, what the hell?
DIANA: It's over, man! I can't do this anymore!
SAVANAH: WE'RE THIS CLOSE TO KILLING THESE TWO AND YOU'RE FREEZING UP ON ME?!
DIANA: I don't want to kill them. I'm sick of having to do what you want all the time, Savanah. You know what I felt after we died? Pain. And every single day, it's just gotten worse and I know that I can't take back what I did to Buster. I loved him, but I let you control me for too long and I've had it! You ruined everything! And if I have to be in hell forever, I'm not taking these two with me.
Savanah shoots Diana in the arm.
DIANA: DAMMIT!
SAVANAH: You know, if you weren't so easy to manipulate, you would probably still be alive, you dumb bitch.
Diana proceeds to shoot Savanah multiple times which causes her body to fall into the inferno pit.
SPARKY: I think I might have to see a psychiatrist after all this.
BUSTER: Diana, why did you do that? You're evil. Evil people don't help others.
DIANA: I'm not evil! Or maybe I am. Look, I'm really sorry for everything I did to you and your friends. And my friends. I killed myself by listening to Savanah and I lost you for good. After we died, I started thinking about what happened and that's when I realized I still love you. And nothing's ever gonna change that. Take care of yourself, Buster. You deserve someone way better than me.
Diana then kisses Buster and jumps into the inferno pit, effectively closing it. The furniture magically is put back where it belongs, and at the graveyard, the dirt from Savanah and Diana's gravesites is restored. The scene cuts back to the condo.
BUSTER: Sparky, are you okay?
SPARKY: Are you? Your ex-girlfriend just repented and kissed you.
BUSTER: Yeah, I really don't know what to feel right now. I can't believe it. Diana wasn't evil. She just got caught up with the wrong person.
SPARKY: I'm just glad they never killed you so she never figured that out when it was too late.
BUSTER: True. Now I know that I have nothing to be scared of anymore. My past is finally behind me.
SPARKY: So you're ready for your future?
BUSTER: I sure am. With the most important person in my life. Thanks for being there for me, Sparky.
SPARKY: Any time, buddy.
The two boys hug and then look around the room.
SPARKY: I think I might have to stay home for the rest of the week.
BUSTER: Honestly, I'm gonna need a month to get over this.
Cut to black.
("Rest in Peace" by Jim Johnston plays in the end credits)
EPILOGUE
A finger keeps poking Adriana and she wakes up. She sees that it is Diana's ghost.
ADRIANA: AAAH, DON'T KILL ME!
DIANA: I come in peace. Look, Adriana, I'm really sorry for everything I did to hurt you. I can't take back what I did, but I can't let Savanah control me anymore. It's too late for me to be a good person, but it's not too late for you.
ADRIANA: You're just saying that so you can stab me in my sleep, you psycho!
DIANA: I don't have any weapons! Adriana, you have every right to hate me for the rest of eternity, but I will always hate myself for what I did. You're my best friend and I will always love you.
ADRIANA: You really mean that?
DIANA: Of course I do. I just want you to know that we'll be friends forever, even though I'm trapped in hell.
ADRIANA: I miss you, Diana.
DIANA: I miss you too. Now go back to sleep and tell Anna what I said. And never make the mistakes I made.
Diana waves goodbye and fades away. Adriana begins crying as Diana reappears.
DIANA: Wait, Adri, one more thing.
ADRIANA: Yeah?
DIANA: When you and Wade kiss, do you still enjoy it?
ADRIANA: Yeah, I love it.
DIANA: And RK and Anna...they're still going strong?
ADRIANA: Stronger than ever.
DIANA: That's great. See you some other time, buddy.
Diana fades away for the last time and Adriana tries to hold back tears as she goes to sleep.
©2016 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS
ROAD TO 100: FOUR WEEKS AWAY