Author's Note: This story started with just the first paragraph as a review of the fic Game Over: Insert 4 Billion Credits. After a response from the talented author, I decided to turn it into a one-shot, just because of how crack-y it was.
"Shepard, mass fish murderer, was arrainged today by Citadel Council for crimes against fishkind. Several of her ship's crew were called upon to testify, alleging gross negligence from Yeoman Chambers and a horrifying first-hand witness report from former C-Sec officer Garrus Vakarian about seeing hundreds of dead fish kept in a macabre display in Shepard's personal cabin. The Hanar ambassador has already made several statements pleading for the death penalty to be applied in this case.
"Councilor Anderson has been forced to recuse himself from the case, but has been pleading for leniency given Shepard's part in the destruction of Sovereign. Ambassador Udina is representing the former Spectre during the trial. Reporting live from the Citadel, this is Emily Wong."
The camera hovers up above the crowd, catching sight of Commander Shepard, glowing red scars livid across her face, almost exactly the same color as the rough ponytail of her hair. She strides past, behind Udina, surrounded by a dozen unhappy C-Sec officers, wearing an Alliance neon-yellow prison jumpsuit, and is backed into the elevator to the Council chambers.
Inside the chambers, Shepard is led off to one side, still surrounded by her cordon of protective officers. On the opposite side, a number of former Normandy crew stand in a huddle, their conversation dying away as they catch sight of their former Commander. An alert tone comes through the chamber, and everyone stands respectfully as the three members of the Council file in; Anderson watching from a private spot on the balcony above. The large hologram flickers as a technician sets it to copy whoever is speaking.
"We are all here today to discuss the serious charges against Jane Shepard, former Spectre, former N7 Commander of the Alliance. Shepard, you are charged with the deliberate and premeditated murder of two hundred and seventeen fish. How do you plead?"
The quiet is almost completely, only the faintest susurrus of shifting clothes following an anticipatory breath from almost everyone gathered. "Not guilty by reason of insanity," comes Udina's rich baritone, striking a pose that would do any classical Greek orator proud.
"This one must register strenuous objections," replies the prosecutor, a hanar face-named Vise. "Such pleas, though valid in Alliance court, are not recognized by Council law."
"Would both of you please approach the bench," Sparatus says, irritably. "By the spirits, what kind of plea is that?" He does not notice that the technician's VI is still routing his image through the giant holo-projector, giving the entire assembled audience a close-up of this supposedly private conversation.
"Councilors, I know you've heard from Chambers, Vakarian, and several other members of the crew. But I have just received new evidence that shows my client was clinically insane at the times of these incidents." Udina turns slightly towards Vise. "In no way does it diminish the seriousness of these crimes, but Shepard needs serious psychiatric care, not a cell in Purgatory."
"This one would like to see this so-called evidence, and challenges why it was not released to the Council or my office before now," Vise retorted.
"I echo his thoughts, Ambassador," Valern says crossly. "You might as well go back to your sides, everyone's watching us anyway." They then finally notice the hologram, and prosecutor and defender return to their respective places.
"Very well, Councilors. I would like to call Tali'Zorah vas Normandy to the stand. She retrieved the video evidence of which I speak." Mixed rumbles go through the crowd; still largely supportive from the Normandy's former crew, and the usual anti-quarian bigotry from the rest of the audience (at least, those out of arm's reach of Grunt).
"Miss Zorah," Udina begins, "please start with your first visit to me, at the beginning of this investigation."
"Well, ah, it was just after the news of Shepard's fish murders had reached the news. The SR-2 was a Cerberus constructed vessel, with a Cerberus AI operating numerous spying devices." She stands nervously, facing the council and constantly glancing between them and her own hologram, looming above her like a nervously bashful ghost. "I knew that there had been some in Shepard's cabin, because she was constantly complaining about trying to reroute their feeds, or move them around."
"That bastard Timmy was watching me poop!" Shepard screeches from her corner, and one of the C-Sec guards quickly zaps her with an omni-tool, causing her to start twitching but halting the verbal outburst.
"I apologize for the interruption," Udina oozes out. "Please, continue."
"Well, I, ah, tried to raise this point with the Alliance leadership, but they were too busy with the whole court-martial-for-causing-bad-publicity deal." A couple of nasty looks are sent towards Admiral Hackett, who is far busy playing Sudoku on his omni-tool to pay attention to them. "So I approached Udina, and he asked me if it would be possible to retrieve the recordings from inside Shepard's cabin. I've spent the last two weeks disabling the AI enough to gather those recordings."
"This one questions why you did not attempt to approach the Council," Vise asked, flickering darkly.
"You don't think I tried? The bosh'tets downstairs threatened to shoot me if I stepped onto the Presidium again." A round of loud and angry muttering comes from the Normandy crowd, and several nearby audience members spontaneously decide to visit the restrooms. "So I brought it to Udina yesterday."
"Thank you, Tali'Zorah, that will be all," Udina says. "I would now like to play one of the recordings for the Council; the rest can be viewed at your discretion." He hands a data disc to the technician, who spends several minutes fiddling with it before it starts to play.
The view shows Shepard's cabin from a spot on the wall above her bed, Jane is sitting at her desk working on paperwork and several fish can be seen swimming in the tank peacefully. Her space hamster squeaks behind her, and she stiffens. "No," she mutters, and it squeaks at her again, making her shoulders hunch up. "No, Mr. Cuddles. Not again." The real Jane is mimicking the posture of the recording, muttering an unbroken string of "No" under her breath as she rocks back and forth in the chair. She continues to protest, sobbing outright, as the hamster's squeaking grows louder and more agitated. Finally, she lunges from her chair, activating her omni-tool and jabbing it against the glass of the case. Within moments, all of the fish inside have died, convulsing and floating slowly towards the surface as Shepard throws herself on the bed, curling into a ball.
The recording ends, and Udina allows a calculated moment of silence. "As you can see, Councilors, Shepard is mentally impaired, most likely from the unorthodox efforts Cerberus put into bringing her back from the dead. She needs mental care, not a prison cell. Even with care, it is doubtful she will ever be a productive member of society again.
"It's all his fault!" Shepard screeches out again. "Mr. Cuddles made me do it! He indoctrinated me!" The C-Sec officer shocks her again, the motions for Dr. Michel to give her a shot of sedatives.
The three councilors withdraw, talking to themselves quietly after threatening to kill the technician if he doesn't turn off the hologram. After ten minutes of deliberation, they return to their podiums. "Very well," Valern speaks, "we accede to your plea, Ambassador. Shepard is quite clearly unhinged. We hereby remand her into Alliance custody, under the condition that should she be deemed mentally sound, she will be sentenced at that time, accounting for her time spent in mental care."
The ruckus in the chambers is nearly deafening. The Normandy crew follows Grunt as he forcibly plows through the crowd, gathering in the elevator as it begins the terminally slow descent. "Their decision reminds me of this one mission, at a band camp," Zaeed begins, before the krogan uses his face to activate the button.
Two days later
Yeoman Chambers looks around the cabin of the SR-2, now almost completely bare of all of Shepard's personal effects. Most of them have been auctioned off on the black market, netting her a tidy bank sum, and the only thing left is Mr. Cuddles in his little glass cage. "Aww, who's a cute space hamster? You are! I'm going to take you home and take care of you from now on, okay?"
He merely squeaks, and scurries back inside his little house. She can't see him rubbing his paws together like a clichéd villain, waiting until he can turn her, too, into a mass fish murderer.