What Becomes of the Broken Hearted? :)
You shut everyone out after that day, pushed them all away. You said you didn't need anyone, but you were wrong, you need them more than ever now. Being locked away for the last seven months taught you that much. You wanted to write to them, especially him, tell him how much you've missed him, beg him to forgive you, but you know he deserves better. You know that if you contacted him now that it would only make things worse and you gave up any right's to him the minute you decided to play hero and throw your future away.
Anyway you were certain that he didn't want to see you, you've never had one single letter from him. You assumed he had moved on. You heard from Chez every few weeks and after a few months of her constant writing you decided that maybe you should write back, maybe even let her see you. You got quite good at this writing lark, even opened up to her about how you truly felt about Seamus and everything that happened to you. You wrote about everything apart from him, but you knew it would only be a matter of time.
You finally asked her how he was, if he was happy, if he had really moved on. When her next letter arrived you dreaded opening it. You remember shaking. You remember feeling sick. You felt shocked to hear that she hadn't kept in touch with him, you thought after giving up your future for her that she would've kept an eye on him. You felt angry that she couldn't answer your questions. She should have known how he was, she owed you that much. That night you trashed your cell and cried yourself to sleep.
It took you a few weeks to write to her and when you did you told her exactly how you felt. You were sick of making everything alright for her, especially now. You demanded that she found out how he was, you had to know. You needed to know. He was all you thought about day and night and no amount of time apart would ever change that. You knew that when her request came for a visiting order that she had something important to tell you. You didn't even think twice about it. You accepted her request immediately.
On the day of visiting you waited impatiently for her, tapping your fingers on the table anxiously. You stood up when you saw her, she looked sad, like she'd been crying and all you could think about was him. You wondered if her tears were because of what she had to tell you, or because she was happy to see you. You hugged her tightly when she joined you; she smelt of over powering perfume, exactly how you remember her smelling. It felt strangely comforting and you wanted to hold her for longer, only you didn't have much time together.
She made small talk for a while, but eventually it became too much and you shouted, telling her to tell you about him. Her face changed then and the tears began to fall again. You knew you weren't going to like whatever she had to say, but you didn't care, you just had to know. You weren't prepared for any of it really and with everything she told you it felt like a knife stabbing at your heart over and over again. You thought at one point that your heart was going to stop beating. You wish it had.
You listened to her, every word and you tried your hardest not to have a reaction to any of it. You seemed calm on the outside, but inside you were screaming. You felt the bitter sting of tears in your eyes, but you won't cry not here. Not in front of chez. After she's finished telling you everything she asks if you're okay. You nod in agreement, smile a false smile and say your goodbyes. She doesn't want you to go, but you have to. You don't know how much longer you can stop the tears from falling. You go back to your cell a broken man.
You thought that his life would get better without you, but it's got worse and you wish that you could turn back time and be there for him. You want to kill this Trevor for putting a hand on your boy, for getting him involved with drugs and dodgy dealings. You know that none of it would've happened if you'd been around and it makes you feel sick knowing that it has. You know that you can't do anything about it yet, but you will one day and you don't care how long it takes you. You never forget a name.
You think about how hard it must have been for him to kill his own mum; you wish that you could've been there so you could've done it for him. You would've had no problem in killing her. You knew she was good for nothing; all she ever did was use him and take advantage. He always saw the good in everyone; it became one of the things you loved about him. Still love about him. You're glad that he didn't get done for it; prison is not what you'd want for him.
You thought he would probably crawl back to Douglas after you got sent down, but you hoped that you were wrong. You believed him when he said that he wasn't going to feel any differently about you, but if that was true then how could he be with someone else. You hate knowing that he is over you; you thought he'd love you forever. You hate Douglas for taking him away from you again, even if their happiness was short lived. You know it's wrong, but you are thankful for the explosion. In some ways it kept him from leaving you for good. You should feel bad for Douglas losing his life, but you don't.
You hate not being around to help him, to guide him and support him. You hate his new found family already and you'd do anything to be there instead of them. You should feel happy for him, but all you feel is jealously because they get to spend time with him and you don't. You think it's strange that they are all playing happy families in your old home. You wonder if he even thinks about it like that, you wonder if even cares. You wish you could be a fly on the wall.
More than anything though, you hate yourself for leaving him and a tiny part of you even hates Chez for letting you. You feel completely defeated because you know that even if a miracle happens that you'll never get to hold him again. You still need him as much as you ever did, but he has proved over and over that he doesn't need you. You know that you should take the hint. You feel overwhelmed with sadness and you wish you could erase every memory of him, but he's infected every part of you. There is just no getting rid of him. It pains you, but you know that your love for him is eternal.
You've always wondered what becomes of the broken hearted. The ones who can't be fixed or mended and now you know. You simply wait to die.
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