Disclaimer: Psychonauts is property of Double Fine Studios. I, the writer of this fanfic, do not own the characters or am associated with the company in any way, shape, or form in the production of this non-canonical, non-profit fanfic.
It's a regular day at Whispering Rock: the sun is smiling, Ranger Cruller is shooing kids out of the off-limit woods, and there is a sale on dream fluff. Yep, everything is normal… until Oleander arrives ten minutes late.
Being ten minutes late may not sound strange to the average person, but Oleander is infamous for always being early. In fact, there is a rumor among the campers that Oleander lives in the Main Lodge bathroom, given that he is the only one who uses it, on account of the smell. When Oleander walks into the camp, the children are able to see just why their "beloved" coach is late: Instead of his normal military outfit, Oleander is wearing a navy polo shirt with tan khaki pants. Instead of his normal military boots, he is wearing black loafers and instead of his normal military helmet, he opts to leave it at home and instead just show his buzz cut hair. But the most noticeable thing about Oleander today is that he reeks of cheap cologne which smells like a combination of wet dog fur and rotten cheddar cheese.
Oleander struts into the camp and as he walks, the campers stop what activities they were doing beforehand and just stare in awe. As Oleander continues walking, he pulls Vernon, who is walking in the opposite direction as him, off to the side to ask him a question.
"Tripe, have you seen Agent Vodello?"
"Yeah, last I saw her, she was at the lake getting ready for her class."
"Thank you for your assistance."
Oleander then begins to walk towards the lake when suddenly; Vernon decides to ask him a question.
"Coach, can I ask you something?"
Oleander then slowly turns around, dreading the seemingly endless one-sided conversation that he knows is going to occur, and grinds his teeth as he responds.
"What is it, Tripe?"
"Why are you all dressed up today?"
"Well, I'm attending an important business meeting, so I need to look my best."
Upon hearing that response, Vernon begins to tell one of his infamous stories as Oleander's face turns into a disgruntled frown as his milky right eye begins to twitch. "This reminds of the time when I had to dress up for my school photos. That day, I woke up at 7:00 a.m. thanks to my alarm clock. And then I turned off my alarm clock. And then I got out of my bed. And then I made my bed. And then I went to the bathroom. And then I washed my hands. And then I returned to my bedroom. And then I got my dress shirt and dress pants out of my closet. And then I took off my pajamas. And then I put on my underwear. And then I put on my dress shirt. And then I put on my dress pants. And then I went downstairs to the kitchen. And then I got a bagel out of the refrigerator. And then I ate the bagel. And then I drank a cup of orange juice. And then I fed my dog, Lady. And then I brushed my teeth. And then I-"
Oleander then looks down at his watch as he interrupts Vernon. "I'd love to stay and listen, but I have to get going."
Oleander then starts sprinting towards the lake to get away from Vernon as the young boy yells out to his fleeing mentor.
"I'll send you an audio log of the rest of the story!"
When Oleander final gets to the lake, he is panting from his five minute sprint to get away from the most boring nine year-old to walk the face of the Earth. Oleander then quickly composes himself as he began to tense up a little from nervousness. In order to calm himself down, Oleander decides to give himself a pep talk.
"Okay Morry, you can do this… She's your friend and co-worker, just go up to her and ask her out. How hard could it be?"
Oleander then walks out onto the beach and is heartbroken when he sees Sasha and Milla sitting on the dock and holding hands. Oleander then hides in a nearby bush as he listens in on their conversation.
"Agent Vodello, can I please return to my lab now? I have to run some tests on the Brain Tumbler and I have some files to sort. We can do this during our lunch date in a few hours." Sasha says as he nervously adjusts his sunglasses.
"Sasha, we've been dating for two months; you can call me by my first name. As for your previous question, no, you can't leave. Sasha, you're cooped up all day in that underground lab and only come out for meals and when it is time to leave. You need some fresh air and a change of scenery, Darling." Mia slightly pouts to the stoic man as she affectionately rubs her head against his shoulder.
Sasha then slightly blushes as a shy smile spreads across his face. "I guess your right Agent- sorry… Milla. I'll try harder to change that, if not for me… then for you."
Milla then hugs Sasha and strokes his hair as she giggles to herself.
"Aw, Sasha… that's the sweetest thing that I heard you say to anyone. I knew that beneath your stone cold exterior there was a warm, caring heart."
"I'm not the Tin Man, Milla. It's just that ever since I was a child, it was always hard for me to express my emotions. Maybe it's because my father was a widower and I never had any motherly guidance."
"Well, now you have me darling, so that excuse won't work anymore. I would love for this moment to last forever, but the children will be arriving to class any minute now and I have to prepare; but here's something to hold you over until lunch, darling…"
Milla then passionately kisses Sasha for a full 15 seconds before pulling away and staring at the stoic agent with a seductive look in her eyes.
"I hardly think that that is an appropriate display of affection in a public setting such as this…"
Milla then playfully slaps Sasha's shoulder as the two agents go their separate ways for the time being: with Sasha returning to his lab and Milla going to the middle of the lake to prepare her mind for the campers.
Meanwhile, Oleander emerges from the bush, trying to hold back his tears. As he attempts to leave the beach, Bobby Zilch approaches him.
"Hey Coach, I need you to help me settle a bet with Benny."
Oleander, who is clearly not in the mood to interact with anyone at the moment, responds to bobby with a tone of voice that is an overt combination of embitterment and irritation. "What does this have to do with me, Zilch?"
Bobby, who is as emotionally oblivious as ever, continues with no reservations. "Are you wearing that outfit because you're gay or are you wearing it because you're metrosexual?"
Upon hearing that question, a fierce scowl spreads across Oleander's face as he begins to clench his teeth. Oleander then uses his telekinesis to pick up Bobby and hurl him into Lake Oblongata.
Oleander then cancels all of his classes for the day and then hides in Ranger Cruller's shack in the middle of the off-limits woods so that no one would see him cry. While there, Oleander contemplates his experiences with Milla.
When he first met her when they first started working at the camp, alongside Sasha, she was the only person who did not shy away from his aggressive personality. Whereas other psychonauts, such as Sasha, were repelled by Oleander's bravado and decided to give the man space, Milla saw it as a cry for attention and knew from it that Oleander was an insecure man that just needed a friend.
Milla then spent many months, during the camp season and at the agency for the rest of the year, trying to get to know Oleander. From genuinely listening to his military stories, which she could easily tell were fabricated, but would never hurt the proud man's feelings by letting him know, to even backing him homemade cookies once and a while.
After doing this for some time, Oleander felt comfortable enough around Milla to tell her some of his troubles once and a while, which she was both surprised and flattered by, on account of how tightlipped the stout psychonaut was around everyone else. She had learned from him that, like Sasha, he lost his mother when he was an infant, but Unlike Sasha, his father wasn't the nicest man. Whereas Sasha's father was describe to be a quiet, but gentile man, Oleander's father was cruel man.
Oleander's father, from his time as a butcher, developed the philosophy that anything thing that was small in size, from rabbits to people, were worthless creatures that were only good for feeding the rest of society. This philosophy was strengthened by the fact that Oleander's mother died due to birth complications when giving birth to their son, which he subliminally blamed on Oleander, who was always small for his age.
Almost every day of his childhood, Oleander's father would remind his son of how he was worthless because of his small size and would always be worthless. That's when, after he failed to get into the Army, Navy, Airforce, and even cooking school, he decided to become a psychonaut, where he would not be judged by his height, but by the strength of his mind.
After hearing this, Milla was reminded of her time working at the Orphanage. The way that the children felt neglected and worthless was just like how Oleander is acting now. What Oleander needed was not just a friend, but a mother, and that was exactly what she was going to do for the man.
After that, Milla became even friendlier with Oleander where in addition to eating lunch with him and talking with him, when she wasn't on a mission with Sasha, of course, she was helping him with in the way a mother would help her child, such as cooking diners for him and helping him clean his messy apartment. For Milla, while she always wore a smile on her face and was warm to everyone, on the inside, the destruction of the orphanage and the deaths of her children haunted her at every waking moment; so when she learned that Oleander never had a mother, she saw this as gift to help her escape her guilt and help another person while she was at it. While many people thought that Milla was helping Oleander by being his friend, she saw it as him helping her.
Oleander knew that Milla had worked in an orphanage before becoming a psychonaut, but she had never told him about how it burnt down and the death of the children, so Oleander was completely oblivious to her mental condition and perceived her acts of kindness as signs that she was attracted to him.
As the months turned to years, Oleander had become more and more attracted to Milla. Not only did he like her for her body, he also liked her for her energetic personality, her warm, nurturing nature, and the fact that she was willing to joke with him about his foil and rival in the field, Sasha, or smoky egghead as he liked to call the German psychonaut. So it was no wonder why, when Oleander had finally mustered up the courage to ask her out, he was so mortified to hear that she had been already dating Sasha, his sworn enemy for some time.
As Oleander sulked in the shack, he began to grow angrier and angrier as he tried to piece together what the hell she saw in Sasha that made him so appealing to her. As far as he could tell, Sasha was an introverted stick-in-the-mud who spent all of his free time working on experiments and running scientific tests. Oleander knew that it couldn't be Sasha's sense of fashion, on account that he always wore that ugly striped sweater and those sunglasses that made him look like a douche. Oleander knew that it wasn't Sasha's personality because he was always too logical and pessimistic about everything. So, by process of elimination, Oleander concluded that Milla was attracted to Sasha because of his height. His father was right; no woman would ever love a short man. Milla never liked him, she pitied him.
Once Oleander came to that conclusion, everything started to make sense: the talks, the cookies, the warm attitude… it wasn't because she saw him as a friend, but rather, as one of the children from her damn orphanage that she would go on and on about, which he had no idea why she left in the first place if she loved it so much.
As Oleander sat in the shack, he then heard the voice of his father speaking to him within his mind. "Is it really so surprising that she doesn't like you? You're a little bunny and little bunnies are good for nothing but food."
Oleander then grips the sides of his head and mutters to himself. "No! I'm a psychonaut and I'm a big bunny who's worth something."
Oleander's father's voice then lets out a cold, gravely laugh. "Riiight… Now don't run, little bunny, or else Daddy's gonna kill you! Bun Bun Bun!"
Oleander's thoughts are then interrupted when he hears a knock on the shakes door and sees Ranger Cruller standing outside with an irritated look on his face. "I don't care if you're the head coach Oleander, these woods and this shack are off-limits, no exceptions. Now git!
Oleander then complies and heads back to his workstation in the section of the camp containing the campers' cabins. For the rest of the day, Oleander works on paperwork and other such tasks that he had been putting off. When the day is over, Oleander leaves his station and goes to his jeep.
When Oleander has to use levitation to get in his vehicle, he hears the voice of his father belittling him yet again. "Bun Bun Bun!"
When Oleander goes to the grocery store on the way home to pick up some toiletries and he has to use telekinesis to reach the items on the top shelf, he hears his father. "Bun Bun Bun!"
When Oleander gets home and takes a shower, he hears his father's voice as he is washing the lower half of his body. "Bun Bun Bun!"
After Oleander finishes his shower, he goes to bed. In his sleep, he is experiencing a recurring nightmare that he has been having ever since he could remember. In this nightmare, Oleander is a bunny who is running away from his father, who is chasing after him with two giant, rusty cleavers, and no matter how fast he runs, his father catches him, kills him, and prepares his meat to be sold in his butcher shop. Normally at this point, the nightmare would end, but tonight, it went on to show Oleander's father selling his meat to Sasha and Milla, who then proceeded to eat him as dinner during their date. Oleander then woke up out of shock and after a few minutes of deep breathing, he then proceeded to cry himself back to sleep.
The next day, Oleander went to the camp in his normal outfit and held his morning session of Basic Braining without any hitches. At around noon, Oleander ends Basic Braining for the day and heads to the Main Lodge for lunch. At this point, Oleander was starting to get over the fact that Milla was dating Sasha, but little did he realize that how lunch that day would change his life for the worse.