A/N: I know it's been a while, but I had this dream last night and woke up with a bit of Cletus, Edward, and Jasper withdrawal. Hope you all are having a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday!
The Turkey Incident
11/26/2009, 01:30 – CletPOV
Diets suck. For months I've been roaming around this place as if I owned it, content in the knowledge that my human has finally met my training standards. Truth be told, I'd also spent most of my days in a bit of a catnip haze. Fucking, Jasper. Leave it to Dr. Handsy to burst my bubble. Jasper and Edward kidnapped me on Monday, threw me into the silver contraption on wheels, and hauled me back to the torture chamber. For the life of me I couldn't figure out why I needed to return to hell. Handsy had already cut off my balls, so there really wasn't anything left for him to grope. But back I went just to get a couple of shots and listen as Handsy informed my boys that I'm fat. Fucker.
I admit that I've slowed down a bit and have a tendency to run out of breath when Uncle Emmett chases me from one end of the apartment to the other, but this isn't my fault, its Jasper's. Catnip gives me the munchies in the worst way and since Jasper was my sole supplier, he was responsible for the results. Uncle Emmett and crazy Carlisle didn't help either. Did they really think I was going to say no when they offered pizza or jelly donuts?
When we returned home from hell, Edward laid down the law. He informed Uncle Emmett, crazy Carlisle, and Jasper in no uncertain terms that I would only be allowed to eat the special kibble prescribed by that asshole, Handsy. The next morning when Edward and Jasper returned from work, I got my first taste of the cardboard that was apparently meant for me and promptly went on a hunger strike. I figured when he realized I was starving to death, Edward would give in and at least let me steal a piece of chicken. Unfortunately, my human had a stubborn streak and refused to cave in to my repeated demands for sustenance.
On day two of my strike, in the wee hours of Edward and Jasper's only night off that week, I implemented 'Operation Feed Cletus'. Tip-toeing into the kitchen, I began pawing open the cupboard doors in an attempt to find something…anything to quell the rumbles of my empty tummy. My bowl of cardboard sat untouched in the corner as I used my paw to pry open the heavy doors, which thudded loudly with each attempt. Desperate, I gave up all attempts at secrecy (my boys were busy mating and wouldn't hear me anyway over their own caterwauls) and moved from cupboard to cupboard, finding nothing but harsh smelling bottles and empty pots and pans.
Breathing heavily from the effort I was expending, I backed out of the cupboard under the sink and turned to face the island. A white container stood next to the island where, if I recall correctly, Jasper placed the remnants of this evening's meal. Jumping onto the counter next to container, I draped myself over the side and stretched my paw out, hoping I could get the top of the container off. I must have tried too hard, because next thing I knew, the container fell sideways onto the floor with a bang. Startled, my tail expanded into extra poufy mode and paranoia set in. I had to be quiet or Edward would catch me in the act and then there would be hell to pay. Leaping from the counter to the floor, I pawed open the lid only to find the container empty. Glancing over my shoulder towards living room, I pointed my ears towards the bedroom to check if my human was still busy. When I heard Edward moan, "Fuck! Jasper! Right there! Harder, baby, HARDER!" I knew I still had a bit of time to complete my mission.
Frustrated, I looked around the room for inspiration. All of the human food was housed here somewhere. I just needed to find it. I turned back towards the living room when a shimmer to my right caught my eye. There, lit by the moonlight coming through the window, was the magic silver box of goodness. Of course! Why hadn't I thought of this before? Everything delicious I'd ever stolen in this kitchen originated from the MSBG. I gathered my strength and moved to sit in front of the glowing box. Edward and Jasper always opened the MSBG by pulling on the black handle, but it was too high for me to reach. On the upper left side of the door to the massive box were two levers. If I jumped up and smacked the levers with my paw would the MSBG open? Gathering my strength, I leapt up and hit my paw against the first black lever. Landing with a thud on the floor, I rejoiced when something cold and wet tumbled out of the door. Progress!
Bending down, I sniffed cautiously at the clear cubes but couldn't ascertain exactly what type of food this was. I licked one of the cubes cautiously and realized that it was only frozen water. Time to try the second lever. Positioning myself a little more to the right, I jumped up again and hit the second lever. Big mistake. A cold liquid poured out of the MSBG and landed all over my face and paws and onto the floor. I ran to the opposite of the room and glared at the MSBG. Edward must have rigged it to punish me. Exhausted, I washed the cold water off of my face and paws and stared at the bowl of cardboard next to me. Maybe it wasn't that bad. I sniffed the bowl and took a small bite.
Nope, still tastes like shit.
Sighing, I looked around the room again, waiting for inspiration to strike. I'd been through all of the cupboards on my level, the white container next to the island was empty, and the MSBG had been booby-trapped by Edward. The only places left were the upper cabinets. Mustering up all of my energy, I leapt to the countertop next to the sink and hit the jackpot.
There, wrapped in plastic, was the biggest bird I'd ever seen. The sink was filled with cold water (probably another one of Edward's methods for keeping me out) but the top of the bird was just above the water level. Nervous, I maneuvered myself closer and stretched out my paw to see if I could reach. Just then, my stomach let out another loud rumble. Go big or go home, Cletus. What's a little water?
Analyzing the situation carefully, I decided to check on the humans before proceeding. I crept down the hallway and listened at the bedroom door. Apparently they'd reached the cooing portion of the evening; all I heard were softly whispered words of devotion. Ugh. Well, at least this meant they'd be asleep soon and I'd have uninterrupted time with the big bird. I waited a few minutes and as soon as I heard their breathing even out I made my way back to the kitchen.
Leaping up to the counter, I got myself into position and began chewing my way through the plastic wrapping. Fifteen minutes later I reached the Promised Land. Unable to help myself, I began gorging on the delicious raw meat. It wasn't as good as pizza or jelly donuts, but it was a damn sight better than that crap in my bowl. The rumblings of my stomach calmed and eventually, I could eat no more. With a yawn, I shook the excess water from my paws and began to give myself a bath. It had been so long since I had this deliciously full feeling and once I'd sufficiently washed away the remnants of my meal, I stretched out on the counter for a nap.
In hindsight, it probably would have been smarter not to fall asleep at the scene of the crime.
11/26/2009 – 05:00, JPOV
Groaning, I turned off the alarm clock and pulled myself out of bed. Pulling on the pair of pajama pants I'd discarded next to the bed, I ran a hand through my hair and shuffled to the bathroom. Today was our first Thanksgiving together and we were having everyone over to our place. My parents had flown up from Texas and would be coming over with Rosie, Emmett and the twins later this afternoon. Esme, Carlisle, and Alice would be here later this morning to help Edward with the cooking.
I'd had only one assignment and that was to be sure the turkey was defrosted. I was supposed to move the turkey from the freezer to the refrigerator two days ago, but I forgot. When I got home from working a double shift yesterday, I found my fiancé in a total panic because the turkey was still frozen. I tried to calm him down, stating that it couldn't take that long to defrost a fifteen pound bird, but he wasn't hearing me. All I received in response to my pleas for calm were glares and mumbles about how I'd ruined Thanksgiving. Deciding that I needed to fix this quick, I consulted the Butterball website and printed out instructions for cold water thawing. He put me in charge of defrosting the turkey and went off to bed in a huff.
Two blow jobs and a round with the hand cuffs later, I knew I was forgiven. He even got me to agree to stuff the turkey this morning and put it in the oven. Of course, I'd agree to anything when his mouth was on my cock, hence my 5:00 a.m. wake up call. I stumbled sleepily into the kitchen and flipped on the light just as my bare feet landed in a puddle. Confused, I looked down to find the floor in front of the refrigerator covered in water. Fuck! Was the refrigerator leaking? I opened the door and looked inside to see if anything spilled, but couldn't find anything. Closing the door, I bent down to see if I could determine where the water was coming from but couldn't find the source. Deciding that I needed to move on to the turkey, I grabbed the paper towels from the counter next to the refrigerator and mopped up the mess. As I straightened back up, I looked around the kitchen and felt my jaw drop.
Cupboard doors were standing half open, the garbage can was knocked on its side, and there, on the counter next to what looked to be a half eaten turkey, laid Cletus, paws up and dead to the world. I felt the hysteria begin to bubble up in my throat and ran a hand over my face to make sure I wasn't caught in a bad dream. When I opened my eyes again, the scene remained the same. I began to close the cupboard doors and eyed the cat with disdain. Up until this moment, I'd felt bad for the bugger, knowing that he hated the diet food Edward insisted he eat. He'd been moping around the house for two days, refusing to touch the prescription kibble. But this was going too far. Edward was going to kill him, if he wasn't already dead. I wasn't quite sure; since he hadn't moved an inch in the time I'd been in the kitchen.
I approached the cat cautiously and felt for a pulse. Maybe he saved Edward the trouble and killed himself after gorging on Edward's turkey? No such luck, he was still alive and when I looked at his face, I saw him looking back at me with what I swore was chagrin. Pointing my finger towards the door, I hissed, "Go. Hide. Now."
Not one to miss an opportunity to save himself, Cletus headed off to laundry room in a dead run. It was the fastest I'd seen that cat move since I moved in. Shaking my head, I surveyed the damage and winced. The plastic wrapping had been chewed off at the top and large chunks of the breast had been eaten away. It was unsalvageable. What the hell do I do now? Mr. Martha Stewart's perfect Thanksgiving dinner was swiftly turning into a disaster and I was going to catch the blame, since the only reason the turkey was in the sink was because I forgot to defrost it like I was supposed to.
Fuck, Jasper, think! I needed another turkey and I needed to get it before Edward woke up. I'd worn him out last night, so hopefully he'd be out for another couple of hours. What I needed was a plan. All the turkeys at the grocery store would still be frozen, so that wouldn't work. Maybe a restaurant? Deciding that I needed help, I called for reinforcements. Grabbing my cell phone from the counter, I hit 2 on the speed dial and waited.
"This better be good, fucker. It's five fucking thirty in the morning," Emmett growled into the phone.
"I need your help," I hissed into the phone. "It's an emergency."
"What's the matter? Are you okay?" he yelled into the phone.
"The turkey, Emmett. The cat ate the fuckin' turkey! What am I goin' to do? Edward is goin' to kill me!" I said, as I paced back and forth across the kitchen. "It's my fault that it was out for him to eat in the first place. I forgot to defrost it like he told me to."
"Cletus ate the turkey? Go, Cletus," Emmett chuckled. "I'd have eaten it too if Rosie put me on a diet."
"Shut-up. I need you to find me a defrosted turkey and bring it here immediately. I'll get rid of the evidence and get the stuffing ready. If you can get it here before six thirty, we should be okay," I ordered.
"Where the fuck am I supposed to get a defrosted turkey on Thanksgiving morning?" Emmett growled.
"That's why I'm callin' you, asshole. You owe me. Figure it out and get here," I yelled and hung up.
11/26/2009, 06:15
After disposing of the turkey carcass and cleaning the kitchen, I paced the living room waiting for Emmett to arrive, checking every so often on Edward to be sure he was still asleep and blissfully unaware of the cluster fuck taking place in his kitchen. Forty-five minutes later I heard a soft tapping at the front door. Hurrying through the living room, I opened it to find Emmett holding a massive turkey. The only problem? It was still alive.
"What the fuck?" I yelled, pushing him into the hallway and closing the door behind me.
"You wanted a turkey, I got you a turkey," Emmett replied, beaming with pride.
"What the fuck am I supposed to do with that?" I hissed, unable to believe that my brother-in-law was holding a live turkey. Said turkey gobbled and I broke into hysterical giggles. "Seriously, Emmett? This was the best you could do?"
"Hey! I know a guy on the force whose father owns a turkey farm out in Bristol. I had him meet me halfway. I didn't know that he was going to bring me a live one," he pouted as the turkey continued to gobble.
"This isn't goin' to work. Go put it in the garage while I think," I instructed, going back inside the apartment to get the keys. Handing them to Emmett I said, "We'll go release him into the wild later."
"What wild? This is fucking Chicago, dude! Besides, you're from Texas. You people kill everything down there. You can't kill a little turkey?" he asked with a smirk.
"It's not just killin' the damn turkey, Emmett. You have to pluck the feathers and dress it. We don't have time for this shit," I replied, exasperated. "Go put it in the garage; we'll deal with it later."
As he made his way down the hall, the turkey, most likely thinking its time was limited, made a desperate bid for freedom and propelled itself out of Emmett's arms. I watched in shock as it made a mad dash down the hallway towards the stairs, Emmett chasing behind it. All of the commotion must have woken up the neighbor, because within minutes, Mrs. Selkowitz's grey head was poking out from behind her door. "Jasper, honey? What's going on out here?" Her eyes grew large as she caught sight of the live turkey just before it descended down the stairs, Emmett close on its heels.
With a sigh, I explained the entire situation to her. Shaking her head, she motioned for me to follow her inside. "You're in luck, Jasper. I just happen to have a defrosted turkey that it turns out I'm not using. I originally planned to have Thanksgiving here, but my granddaughter went into labor last night and we're going to spend the day at the hospital," she stated as I followed her to the kitchen. "It's already stuffed, all you need to do is put it in the oven."
I nearly fell over in relief. She placed the prepared turkey onto the counter and turned to face me. "Next time you're in trouble come and see me, Jasper. That's what neighbors are for. Your friend seems to mean well, but really? A live turkey?" she giggled.
I pulled her towards me and gave her a big hug. "You saved my life, Mrs. S. I don't know how I can ever repay you."
"You just show up in that uniform of yours to one of my bridge tournaments and we'll consider it even, my boy," she said with a wink as she pulled away from me. "Now go put this in the oven before Edward wakes up. It's a twenty pounder, so it'll need to be in the oven for five hours at 350 degrees," she instructed with a grin.
Placing a quick kiss on her cheek, I grabbed the turkey and headed back to our place. Letting myself in, I made my way back to the kitchen and placed the turkey on the counter. Opening the refrigerator, I pulled out the bowl of Edward's stuffing and then turned on the oven. Working quickly, I pulled out the stuffing that Mrs. S. had put in and replaced it with Edward's. When the oven beeped that it was ready, I placed the turkey inside, set the timer, and heaved a sigh of relief. Now I just had to get rid of the evidence. I washed Mrs. Selkowitz's stuffing down the garbage disposal and headed out to see if Emmett managed to wrangle the turkey into the garage. I'd just opened the front door when saw him coming back up the stairs, turkey feathers wafting behind him.
"It's in the garage, but it's not happy," he said with a frown as he tossed the keys back to me. "Fucker nearly pecked me to death," he growled, motioning to the peck marks on his forearm. "Listen, I need to get back. I told Rosie that I was running to the bakery for donuts, but I've been gone for over an hour. My ass is going to be grass if she wakes up and finds me still gone."
"But what about the turkey?" I asked. "We need to get rid of it."
"We'll make an excuse later to go out and we'll set him free. In the meantime, he'll be fine where he's at," Emmett assured as he headed back to the stairwell. "I'll be back around noon. Just keep Edward out of the garage," he called over his shoulder.
Nodding, I headed back inside and after a quick stop in the bathroom, went back to bed. As I curled my body around Edward's, I felt the tension in my body dissipate. As long as he stayed out of the garage, life would be good. Placing a kiss on his shoulder, I drifted off to sleep.
11/26/2009, 12:33 - JPOV
I sat on the couch with Carlisle watching football and the clock. Emmett was late and we still needed to get the turkey out of the garage. So far, I'd been able to keep Edward in the dark, although it was a close run thing. First it was questions about the size of the turkey. Apparently a twenty pound bird looked different than a fifteen pound one. Then he started to worry about Cletus and the fact that he hadn't eaten in two days. He relented in the spirit of the holiday and put some of his old food in his bowl, but Cletus wasn't interested. Of course he wasn't, he'd eaten five pounds of turkey just a few hours before. I had to stifle my snickers as Edward worried that the cat was sick and that maybe we needed to take him to the emergency vet. I managed to talk him out of it and convince him that if the cat hadn't eaten by tomorrow, we'd take him. There was no need to ruin Thanksgiving because Cletus was supposedly starving to death.
All my hard work and plotting almost went down the drain when I saw Edward headed to the front door with keys in hand. "Where are you goin', babe?" I asked nonchalantly.
"There's a platter I need in the garage. I was just going to go grab it before your family gets here," he replied.
Jumping up from the couch, I grabbed the keys from his hand and said, "I'll get it. You stay here. You've been workin' so hard, it's the least I can do." Not giving him time to object, I placed a kiss on his forehead and headed out the front door. Making my way to the garage, I approached cautiously. How was I supposed to get the door open and keep the turkey inside? I hit the remote and let the door open a quarter of the way. Stopping it, I rolled under the garage door and closed it quickly. Turning on the light, I found myself confronted with one pissed off turkey. Using the car as blocking device, I quickly pulled the platter off the shelf and using it as a shield, made my way out of the garage.
When I reentered the apartment, I found that my family had arrived. After greeting my parents, sister, and the twins, I took the platter into the kitchen and went to find Emmett. I found him in the laundry room exchanging a fist-to-paw bump with Cletus. "Dude, if you want, I got some wild game for you to hunt in the garage," he whispered to the cat. Observing this insanity from the doorway, I cleared my throat and watched as they both looked at me guiltily. "What?" Emmett protested. "Cats are carnivores. I bet he'd enjoy the opportunity to take down some big game."
Shaking my head, I growled at my brother-in-law and whispered, "Look idiot, we need to go get rid of the turkey now. Edward nearly went out to the garage a few minutes ago and we can't keep that thing in there forever. We need an excuse to get out of here for a little bit."
Emmett walked towards me. "Already done, bro. Already done. I 'forgot' the pies Rosie was bringing so we have to go out and pick up some from the grocery store," he replied with a shit-eating grin. "I'll just take you with me since I don't know this area as well as you do."
I had to admit, it wasn't a bad plan. We walked to the kitchen and informed our family that we were headed out to pick up the pies. Edward, Esme, and my momma were discussing the recipe he'd used for the stuffing and they just waved us off. Grinning, we escaped to the garage and discussed how we were going to get the turkey into the car.
Emmett backed up his SUV to the garage door and lifted the back hatch. Lifting the garage door as I had before, we both rolled under the door and flipped on the light. Luckily, the turkey was already in the back corner of the garage. Emmett swooped in to grab him up and once he had him in hand, I opened the garage door and we threw the turkey into the back. He jumped in on the driver's side and after hitting the remote to close the garage, I entered on the passenger side. "Where to, oh wise one?" Emmett asked as he started the engine and pulled out onto Washington.
"I think Austin Park is our best bet," I replied, instructing him on how to get there. As we drove, the turkey became more and more agitated and jumped over the seats until it was directly behind Emmett. I tried to hold it off, but it definitely had an axe to grind and began pecking the back of Emmett's head.
"Fuck! Get that thing off of me," Emmett screamed, swerving as he batted the turkey away from his head.
"Watch where you're goin'," I yelled back. "I'll keep him off ya; you just get us where we need to go." Taking off my jacket, I wrapped it around my arm and turning to face the back seat, fending the giant bird off like I'd seen the K-9 cops handle angry pit bulls. Not a moment too soon we reached the park and finding it mostly deserted, drove close to a semi-wooded area.
Emmett shut off the car and we both exited. Glancing around to make sure there were no witnesses, we opened the door and waited for the turkey to jump out. When it didn't, I looked inside to see it staring back at me. Sighing, I went around to the other side and using my jacket covered arm, shooed it out of the SUV. When it landed on the grass, it just stood there, gobbling. "Go!" I yelled, gesturing towards the trees. The turkey, not sensing our urgency, remained next to the SUV, pecking at the grass.
I looked over at Emmett who was watching the proceedings with a smirk on his face. "Don't just stand there, fucker. Do somethin'!" I yelled.
Emmett, in his infinite wisdom, shouted, "Turkey dinner!" I don't know if it was his words or the sound of his booming voice, but turkey took one look at him and made haste towards to the trees. Grinning at each other like fools, we got back into the SUV and headed off to the closest grocery store to pick up the pies.
11/26/2009 – 18:07, JPOV
Completely satiated and munching on a piece of pecan pie, I sat in the living room with the rest of the family and watched the evening news. We'd had a wonderful Thanksgiving, filled with laughter and love and I'd nearly broken down in tears as we'd shared what we were thankful for during dinner. I had a wonderful fiancé, an amazing family, and a great career. What more could a man ask for? The meal had been delicious and Edward had received tons of praise for hosting dinner. The only hitch had been when he'd asked me if I'd changed the seasoning on the turkey. Almost choking, I shrugged and said, "I thought it needed a little extra pepper."
He smiled across the table at me and replied, "See! You'll be cooking alongside me in no time, baby. You were right; it did need a bit more pepper."
Emmett and I exchanged looks as Edward refocused his attention to my father. We'd gotten away with it. Edward's first Thanksgiving had been saved and he was none the wiser.
Thirty minutes later, Rosie started packing up the twins so that they could all head home. She waved off Emmett's offer of help, rolling her eyes at her husband as he lounged on the couch, his belt buckle and the first button on his jeans undone. I watched as she grabbed the keys from Emmett and headed down to place the leftovers Edward was sending home with her in the trunk of their SUV. A few minutes later she returned and as she entered the apartment, she asked, "Emmett? Why are there feathers all over the SUV?"
Emmett sat straight up on the couch and looked over at me, but I studiously avoided his gaze and focused my interest on the news broadcast. Shaking my head minutely, I hoped he would think fast and come up with something because honestly, I had nothing. Just as he opened his mouth to respond, the news anchor announced, "And in other news, a worker from Animal Services had his hands full today trying to corral a loose turkey in Austin Park." I watched in horror as the worker chased the turkey around the park with a net. "Looks like this one escaped from someone's dinner table," the worker said with a chuckle when he was interviewed. "This is definitely not a wild turkey. I'd say he probably came from one of the turkey farms out in the suburbs." The scene returned to the anchor at the desk. "Folks, if you're missing your turkey, contact Illinois Animal Services."
Glancing up, I saw Rosie's jaw drop as she pointed at Emmett and whispered, "Turkey feathers? Are those turkey feathers in our car, Emmett?"
At the same time, Carlisle piped in asking, "Isn't Austin Park just down the street?"
I looked over at Edward to see him staring back at me with narrowed eyes. "What?" I asked defensively.
"Care to tell us about your pie run?" he asked innocently.
Fuck. The jig was up. I opened my mouth to explain when Cletus edged into the room, a cocky smirk on his face. In desperation, I threw up my hands and said with a smirk, "I think you need to have this conversation with your cat."