I do not own any characters. Hawaii 5-O is owned by CBS. Enjoy!
Catherine sighed as she stepped out of Honolulu International, it was always breathtakingly beautiful to come home to this amazing island, but was this really her home anymore? A bittersweet feeling rushed over her as she realized she was back in her beloved Hawaii, but there was no one to come back to and that hurt. Unsure of where to go and what to do, Catherine decided a trip to Kamekona's for garlic shrimp would be her first introduction to her new life. The decision was reckless she knew: Kamekona could tell Steve she was back on the island, members of 5-0 could be settling for a late lunch, or worse: Steve would be there. But she needed something familiar and treasured to ground her because her world was spinning out of control, and comfort food always makes thinking easier.
After her cab drops her off at the beachside food truck, she takes one look around, and Catherine can't help but tear up. The lump in her throat becomes unbearable, and she coughs up a sob. "Get it together Rollins, you chose to come here" she silently berated herself. Here being the operative word: Kamekona's, Oahu, Hawaii even. Catherine has never been so unsure, defeated, and quite frankly, tired. She's exhausted from running, from blindly taking orders from superiors, from running away from love, running from purpose to purpose to find herself.
Kamekona is ecstatic that his "best customer" has decided to patron his stand. Upon seeing the redness in her eyes, the food's comped—an action Catherine appreciates because she's running low on cash and in need of some kindness. Sitting down at one of the tables, she knows coming here was absolutely the wrong decision, she's not suitable for public consumption. The garlic shrimp is so delicious, Kame's hospitality is so touching, and the memories of celebrating her uranium win with 5-0 are so fresh, she's dying inside.
Catherine begins sobbing into her garlic shrimp, oblivious to the concerned stares of onlookers. Her sobs roll through with the strength of tidal waves, but she can't seem to get it together, and she's not sure if she even wants to because living with this mask has been killing her. Soon enough Catherine can't breathe, and death feels inevitable. Before she can register that this is a full-on panic attack, Kame is by her side pulling her into a rough embrace as she dry heaves and sobs. Kame insists on taking her to the hospital; he's never seen Catherine upset, let alone whatever this is. Catherine tries and fails to get her bearings. She wants to tell Kame she isn't working, has no health insurance in her real name -perks for working for the Agency-, and little access to cash or her savings, yet there's nothing but sobs and screams coming out of her.
The hole in her heart is gaping, and the void in her life is all-encompassing, it threatens to swallow her entirely. She's always been restless, a free-roaming spirit, but this is different, this is lost. She hates herself for dragging Kame into this because he does not deserve to deal with her in this state. Part of her feels guilty knowing that this was probably going to happen if she came to Kame's, but she just needed to see a familiar face on the island who didn't hate, resent, or distrust her.
"Was this little stunt she pulled at Kamekona's a convenient way for Steve to find out she was back on the island" she internally screams at herself, she can hear Danny and Lou telling Steve this exact sentiment. She won't allow him to hear about her return to the island, this time for good. She will not hurt him again, and she will not get in the way of him and Lynn. Coming for a mission, to catch a killer and terrorist – that she could do with Steve in her presence, finding out who she was at her core – Steve did not deserve to come along for that ride.
It takes a minute for her to realize Kame is talking to her, trying to coax her to get out of the pick-up. She moves to walk into the hospital, and her knees falter. Kame does not miss a beat as he scoops her up bridal style and treks into the emergency room. The next thing she knows she's in the ER with an IV hooked in her arm and a nurse trying to keep her calm. The worried look on Kame's face chills her and sends her back into her harrowing anxiety. Has he texted Steve? Danny? Kono?
Her words come out as a whisper, and she repeated herself three times before Kame understands, "Steve cannot know, none of them can know. Please". She can see the conflict in Kame's eyes as he reluctantly agrees not to mention whatever this is – to McGarrett. Kame doesn't want to leave her, but he doesn't want to stay and watch this, and most of all he doesn't want to lie to McGarrett. And not alerting Steve in this circumstance is a severe lie of omission. Ultimately, Catherine's pleas and how awful she looks eases the guilt he knows will swell up when he sees Steven McGarrett next.
"Kame you can go. I'm over my episode; I'll be fine. They're gonna want to keep me overnight for observation, I am sure. Thank you for helping me, I cannot even begin to express how much you are taking care of me has meant to me. Mahalo." She manages to utter before her emotions get the best of her and she's covered in a puddle of tears. Kame nods and begins his departure only to throw one last worried look over his shoulder.
LATER-
The team showed up to their favorite after-work haunt, Kamekona's, for an early celebratory dinner and start to the weekend. Much to their surprise, there is no sign of Kamekona. To make matters worse, Flippa is cryptic about his whereabouts. Steve makes a mental note to check in with the big guy this weekend to make sure everything is okay in Kamekona's world.
As Kame returns to the stand, it's all he can do to wave a generic "Aloha" to the members of the task force and climb into the safety of his food truck. "Hey what's with the big guy?" Quips Lou just before he takes a massive bite into his sandwich. Danny rags on him for eating like an animal, a Neanderthal, an obvious dig at Steve. Surprisingly, Steve is paying no mind to Danny, missing a valuable opportunity to express mock-pain at the dig. McGarrett's mind is elsewhere; he's determined to find out why Kamekona and Flippa are acting so weird.
An hour and two longboards later, Steve putters at the food truck, to corner Kamekona. "Hey, buddy, everything okay? You're acting a little off today. If you're in trouble, you know 5-0 would be happy to help you." Steve looks earnestly at Kamekona, studying Kame's strenuous effort to form words.
"Big Kahuna, I am not in trouble, I am all good. If I were in trouble, you'd be the first person I called" he goes so far to flash his trademark ear to ear grin, but it does not escape Steve that the smile doesn't quite reach his eyes.
It occurs to Steve that the matter might be personal, something Kamekona is not going to open up to him about, at least that is tonight. With an exasperated sigh McGarrett about faces and heads to the Camaro where Danny has impatiently patiently waited for Steve. Steve was driving the Camaro, and Danny wanted to get home in time to shower and make himself presentable before he arrived at his exes to pick up the kids.
"What is wrong with you?" Steve says throwing an annoyed glance at the visibly annoyed detective.
"What is wrong with me? With me? Hmm, I guess it's that I choose horrible people to be friends with, God! Inconsiderate people, with no respect for my time and my personal life. Hmm, that's it." Danny fires back.
"Danny that hurts, that really hurts. I was just looking out for Kamekona. Something's off with him."
"I am sorry Steven. I am babe, believe me, I wanna find out what's wrong with Kamekona as much as the next guy, but tonight's a crucial night. It's my weekend with the kids, and I am only gonna get 30 minutes with Grace before she's asking to go to the mall or go to the movies with Will. Not to mention I've got to see Rachel and tell her I am thinking of proposing to Melissa. So, forgive me for being a bit impatient." Danny loves that Steve cares about people so profoundly, but tonight is too big for Danny for Steve to be playing 20 questions with Kamekona.
"Whoa what? You buried the lede on that one buddy! You're gonna propose to Melissa?! Whoa. Wow, that's amazing! When? Why didn't you tell me? Congrats man. Where's the ring?" Steve is only slightly hurt that he wasn't the first one told.
"Before you get your panties in a bunch—notice I said I was thinking, as in contemplating, as in wondering if that's what I want to do. I am not proposing to Melissa just yet, but we have been dating for a few years, and I know she wants kids, I am not getting any younger, so maybe it's time for me to show I am committed to her and making things work with her. Besides I can't even think about a ring right now, I've got the money pit- I mean our restaurant, Grace wanting a car, Charlie starting first grade, rearranging the custody agreement with Rachel… an engagement ring will have to wait." Danny hopes he's given enough reasons so that Steve isn't pissed he hasn't bounced the idea off of him at least once before he mentions it to Rachel.
"Wow Danny, still congrats. But why are you going to tell Rachel before you make your move? Did she tell you 'oh Stan and I are getting serious so look out for an engagement' or did she tell you she was engaged?" Steve looks over to find a slightly less amused Danny than seconds before.
"Huh? No, Steven, I did not know beforehand, but that's not important. Let me ask you this though." Danny pretends he's deeply engaged in a philosophical epiphany, stroking his face as if it's conjuring up the answers to life's most profound questions.
"Oh boy here we go." Steve exaggerates his annoyance with an eye roll.
"Well did you tell Catherine that you had radiation poisoning before you just flew off to a deserted island in the middle of nowhere to find a deposit full of radiation poisoning? Hmm, something tells me that you didn't." Danny shoots back.
"No Daniel I did not tell Catherine about the poison, though that would not have changed my decision to accompany her, the people of this island were endangered, it's my job to protect them. Also, Catherine has nothing to do with this; I would have gone if it had been anyone else." Steve is now full on annoyed. He hates that Danny throws Catherine in his face anytime they come in contact with each other.
It stops the hard-earned progress Steve has committed himself to – to stop thinking about Catherine every minute of every day, to stop the longing to see her, tell her about his day, complain about trivial things to make her laugh, and most of all to see her smile and call him Sailor, he loves it. Loved it.
"Danny, stop deflecting and using Catherine. Why are you telling your ex-wife about your plans to ask your current girlfriend about getting married? If I was to propose to Lynn, I am not calling Catherine and getting her blessing; I am just proposing to Lynn." Steve says it as if it's that simple and straightforward.
"So, you're thinking about proposing to Lynn?"
"Shut up." Steve rolls his eyes and looks over to find Danny fully turned to him in the passenger's seat with a huge shit eating grin.
"Well, Steven you've never been married. Any new spouse is a huge, huge change in the family dynamic. I need to tell Rachel because after we renegotiate custody if she thinks she can use me getting married as a bargaining chip in the custody arrangement, I will be able to show how that is not hindering my ability as a parent. Also, we need to as a united front, explain to Grace and Charlie that we are not getting back together. I need to hear from her point of view as the mother of my children how she thinks the kids will take it."
"But your kids love Melissa!"
"But they love their mother more. If they think there's even a remote chance of Rachel and I being back together, they're gonna want that. Who doesn't want their mom and dad together?"
"I see your point, but do you think Grace and Charlie want you guys back together or even think it's a possibility?"
"Yes, I do. I think that my children want nothing more than for Rachel and I to resolve our differences. Seeing as she's done with Stan, Melissa and I aren't married or even engaged, yes Steven, they want to see their mother and father back together, their family back together. Grace more than Charlie, she's seen her parents together."
"Fair point. Is there any part of you that wants to be back with Rachel?"
"Are you serious?"
"Yes, I'm serious, now answer the question!"
"Truthfully yes, I do. What? Is it a crime that I want my family back together? I will always love Rachel because she gave me the joys of my life. I would do anything for the mother of my children…" Danny looks out the window wishing they'd pull up to Steve's and that this conversation would finally end.
"Anything except forgive her." Steve spits out before he can think about the statement coming out of his mouth. "Wait, Danny, I am sorry, that crossed the line. Buddy, I am sorry sometimes this Neanderthal brain of mine's gets crazy."
"No Steven you're right. The one thing I can't do is forgive her. The divorce killed me, sleeping with her after Stan left, Stan coming back and them reconciling all of that killed me, but the way I had to find out about Charlie, it's unforgivable. I am afraid of the way that I love Rachel, its irrational, and it's too emotional, too intense; the way she's hurt me, if I forgive her, then we're right back where we started. And I can't deal with that pain anymore. I am an old man. I want love to make me happy, not a love that makes me sick because I can't breathe without her. Simple, happy love. I have that with Melissa, yes, she's not Rachel, but Rachel and I will always be connected because of our children and at some point, that has to be enough."
Steve and Danny remain in silence for the last few minutes of the ride, each processing Danny's confession and its ramifications. The words replay in Steve's head as he thinks about Catherine. Danny's love for Rachel is a lot like his love for Catherine: irrational, emotional, intense, wild, all-consuming. Danny's love- no appreciation- for Melissa and simplicity/stability is how he thinks he could feel about Lynn, maybe even Alicia.
"Sorry for dropping that bomb" Danny offers half-heartedly. Even though they've reached Steve's house, he's feeling oddly regretful for the weird, awkward silence between him and Steve.
"No, I'm sorry brother, I shouldn't have pressed." Steve waits for Danny to initiate getting out of the car in case Danny feels inclined to say more. After an awkward and too long moment, Danny realizes what Steve is doing, and he unbuckles his seatbelt and is out of the car.
"Thanks for listening Steve. I mean it. I'll tell you how it goes. Maybe I'll bring Charlie over tomorrow for a swim if you're not busy or anything."
"Yeah buddy bring Charlie over, we'll have a couple beers, I'll put on some steaks. I'd like that. Besides Eddie needs someone to play with all day."
"Isn't that what you kept Junior here for?"
"Haha get outta here. Go." Danny sped off as Steve enters his home. All Steve's got to look forward to is a few longboards in his quiet (lonely) home. He opens his phone to call Lynn before he realizes he doesn't have it in him.
Nights like this make Steve miss Catherine even more. He wants someone he trusts implicitly to process the talk he's just had with Danny. Catherine's inquisitive nature, her love for Danny's children, especially Grace, would provide him with a caring sounding board. He misses coming home to someone and talking about his day, curling up on the couch for a movie. He especially misses the various, sexy ways Catherine could pull him out of his head and into the present moment. Nights like this remind Steve that even though he let Catherine go, a part of him died when they separated, a part he may never get back. Steve can't tell Danny to go with his heart when Steve is too afraid to listen to his own. Getting over Catherine was like traveling through a mountain range, peaks and valleys: sometimes he thought he could love another woman like he loved her or even more, sometimes he felt like no one would be able to break through the wall protecting his heart, he'd built after Catherine left.